Domitum

2007-04-27T23:39:00.000+08:00

MMH, sschool's speeding up again. It's kinda sad, though. Everyone's too busy to go back to how life was like during the first 3 months.

I remember how those were like, though. Friday class outings, shameless sweet eating in class, lotsa laughing... Heh. Those were fun. They only come once, I guess. Now, it's more work for everyone; be it actually understanding lecs, or doing tutorials. It's kinda sad. Perhaps, it's impossible to get everything back again, but something similar. Wishful thinking? I really don't know any more.

I wanted to stay so badly.
Now, I can't wait to leave.
The irony doesn't escape me, even if other, perhaps more important, things do.

I don't understad what there is to blog about any more.
Life goes on, people rarely read others' blogs to keep track of theirs, since they're too busy with their own lives.
We're all living such different lives, having such diverse experiences.
Can we relate, at all, any more?

I really miss how life was like in sec 4, even though it was THE year for us.
haha, but I guess everyone misses their sec sch.
None of us can help missing the familiarity; it just gets overwhelming sometimes, especially when things don't seem to be going your way. Or going the way we want them to go.

Training tomorrow. Again.

Good luck, sec 4s(: JIAYOU for your MYEs.
Don't let yourselves down!

2007-04-21T11:46:00.000+08:00

Ahhh. So, school's been hecitc.
So, everything's not ideal
So, everyone's not as free.
But, that's life, for now.
What else can we ask for?

I guess this week's been a stark contrast to the my angst-ridden week a while ago.
It's gotten better, I guess?
My choic; now, I've gotta live with it.
And I'll learn. I think it really ISifferent now; I can't and won't go back to sec 3 again.
It's not gonna happen cos I'M not gonna let it.
Wonder how long my resolve will last for...

Things to say and things not to say;
struggling between the two; dare we go either way?

I miss Cedar, still.
Everything from the CACAT 4/I clique, to the OALS, to the PEECEEs... Everything, everyone. It's kinda hard seeing how it was so comfortable then and it's still getting TO comfortable for now. It won't ever be the same, that's for sure; and, I guess, that's why we miss it the most.

AFter the campfire, we've got nothing much to go back to Cedar for any more...
It's kinda heart-breaking when there's finality in an end.

2007-02-10T12:08:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was a bad and good day all at once.
It's one thing to be in Cedar again, happy... But it's another thing altogether being in Cedar, knowing it's the last time you're gonna get reults there and getting shitty results to remember that experince by.
Well done, Shermaine Lim.
Congrats to those who did well(: Y'all deserve it.
Congrats to the rest of 4I who did remarkably well(: An average of 7.9's just... CRAZY.
Congrats to those in 07S77 who got their various As and Bs for HIGHER chinese. (I'M AN INDEPENDENT MEMBER OF THE C CLUB!)
Congrats to Peiyu for getting STRAIGHT A1s.

Sorry I pangseh-ed you, Sining/Mingjin/Jessica/Shuhwee/Wanjing/Grace.

And also, thank you.
To those who gave hugs freely, to those who comforted.
But, espcially to the guys of 07S77. For coming down, for making my laugh and for making me remember that there's still hope yet.

Take comfort, for all those who didn't do as well.
It'll be okay(: I hope.
The good Lord is fair and merciful.

It's not the end yet.
Prayerfully not, ever.

2007-02-03T11:22:00.000+08:00

It's been a good week(:
It's bene spent with great company, doing things that will definitely be remembered for a long time to come.
So, if the Good Lord should decide to send me elsewhere, I know I would've lived like I wanted to, created the impact I wanted to. And I would know that I've finally done somethign right. And nothing in the world can beat that feeling.
After all's been laughed at, talked about and what not, I realise that there really isn't any running from your past; it'll catch up one day. We decide to do things, usually knowing full well the backlash of our actions. What we want versus what it'll cost us to get what we want; how much more will we give up?
Some things end; nothing is forever. So, everything we embark on, we know will end right from the start. Losing, letting go; things that we've all gotta do. A matter of time and patience, healing a broken ego, soul... Heart.
Some people walk out on our lives, a blatant reminder that not many wish to witness our lives; yet, we hope for people who will any way. So, does it mattr then if they leave us for a while or forever, if all we want are people to remember who we were and we stood for?
Hmmm. I don't know; I miss some things, some people.
The laughs. The talks. The trust.
No turning back now, so good luck.
Forgetting's easiest. Can you?

How have you been doing?
Just something I've been meaning to ask.
Ohwell. OAC 07's coming isn't it?
Remember kitchen 06?
Good luck to all involved(:

Looking ahead; so SS(x
But something we've gotta live by(:

2007-01-27T17:57:00.000+08:00

I spent the whole afternoon with JAZZY.

And I was reminded of how much I miss Cedar. ESPCIALLY ALL the cacat things we did, when or not people were looking(x SO many reasons to go back, so many memories to go back for; but somehow, things are different now. SIGH.

To remember the Cedar and Cedarians I know/knew...
I'M UPLOADING THE PICS THAT SHOULD'VE BEEN UPLOADED AT LEAST A YEAR AGO(X

So, moral of everything... I MISS CEDAR LIKE CRAP! ):

Haha, for those of y'all in those pics...
And even if you're not...
I MISS EVERYONE!

2007-01-26T23:45:00.000+08:00

It's been 13 days since 07S77 met for the first time...

I'm finally home from a LONG, LONG day at school. A relatively long week too.
Wednesday - WENT BACK TO CEDAR!(: But again, since our class is SO ENTHU(: , we practised the fac dance AGAIN in our nice air-con classroom(x haha. Not for long though ): I MISS CEDAR! So much about it is changing... It seems like I can't recognise it any more. Aside from the sec 4s of 07, I don't know anything or any one any more, it seems. OHHWELL. At least Evelyn and I got to study in the Family Centre again(: WOOHOO. And we ate outside the canteen! For once in TWO YEARS(x
Thursday - CLASSES ENDED AT THREE x_x Think all of us were half dead by then. Only thing that brightened it up for us was the... APOLLO FACULTY DANCE(x Haha, S77's super ENTHU(: Think all of out class knows the dance, now. WHOO!(: SADLY, I missed the second half (more FUN half) cos I had TOUCH RUG. OHHWELL. It was tougher than previous trainings, I feel. The coach was fierce, for the first time. :s Then, I had to RUSH TO TUITION. I think I stank up the whole room. WHOOOPS(x
Friday - A RELATIVELY SLACK DAY!(: Even though we had GP and BCME. x_x CT session was in the Audi. Royston Tan came down to give a presentation on some Opera thing. It was... Entertaining(x Weixin was being funny at some parts and poor Yiwei was so tired (thatshesleptthroughsomeparts :p). Our class went to an empty classroom, after that to practise the dance. (YES, AGAIN!) It was dancing for a while, then we moved onto some class admin matters that Shiwei very efficiently settled(x HAHA, then we slackked round for a bit more before going down to our class bench to meet up with the rest (if not, majority) of S77(: (i.e. SEAN CHIA, Jared, Yiwei, Huifen, Benedict(x ) THEN, WE DANCED AGAIN!(x Haha, I don't know for how long more our class can be THIS enthu... But, I'm sure enjoying it(x HAHA. Then, after meeting Wenyuan at bout 7plus, we went down to KAP for dinner. MACS!(x Haha, lame games, talking and what not... Then we all went home ): Thank goodness Brandon/Wenyuan/SEAN CHIA stay along the NEL(x Haha. It was a relatively... Fun... Train journey home(: New perceptions, new... Impressions. Haha. I love S77. SERIOUSLY.(:

I can't wait for next week, AGAIN.
It's like, with each new week, a different side of S77 comes to light. And with each new week, we find more grooves to fit into, or create. A new chance, a new phaze... For ourselves. One chance, to make or break.

I hope I stay. I SINCERELY PRAY I STAY.
SO many things I don't wanna leave behind, here.
It's comfortable, in such a quick time. We must've done something right(:
I must've done something right... For once.

HAH. INTO the future; I believe I'll stay.
I REALLY hope I do.

2007-01-25T22:47:00.000+08:00

I can't believe I missed THE FACULTY DANCE PRAC.

But, I heard S77 was good(:
I'm so proud to be part of 77. It's really been... An honour(x

YAAY! NOW, more class gatherings, perhaps?(x
BEFORE the tests start coming!

Escapism.
Existential Angst.

2007-01-23T21:06:00.000+08:00

Can we take a ride...
Get out of this place, while we still have time?

Sometimes, you don't wanna live NOW.
Maybe, 'last time'; maybe, 'soon'...
Just not NOW.

Back to sqaure one...

ANYWAY!07S77 got a NEW TIMETABLE yesterday! Which included CT, then BREAK(x HAH. It was a pretty slack day for us, yesterday. Plenty of time for class uhh BONDING(x We TREID that over lunch. More emphasis on bonding than, class(x XINXINS!(x Stk, quite mean... Poor people, those two.WHOOPS(x After lunching at the high school, we came back, sat at the amphitheatre and played GAMES. Haha, think it was quite funny; a bunch of soon-to-be 17-year-olds playing HAND games (INTERESTING FORFEITS INCLUDED: 'grinding' the wall, guys's pumping on top of err... One another, etc(x ) and not being able to coordinate properly(x (AHEM! 'clap-clap-WAH-ZAI!(x ) THEN WE PLAYED HIDE-AND-SEEK! I promise; it seemed like we had deprived childhoods or sthg(x HAHA. We played polar bear for a few rounds before going up to the hall to learn APOLLO'S FACULTY DANCE!(x MWAHAHA. I say our class is well... SUPER ENTHU(: And the dance rocks... So, I think we really have a good chance of winning? xP After the ACTUAL dance session, a few of us stayed back to TEACH WEIXIN the dance(x It was quite fun; what with his funny expressions etc(x HAHA. Then, Shiwei, Yiwei (ESPICIALLY) and I played a BIT of bball then we went HOME. To uhh... Collapse in exhaustion(x Haha. I PRACTISED THE DANCE TILL 12 I THINK. Hah.

TODAY!
Nearly fell asleep during BIO tutorial (WHOOPS.), but the rest of the lessons were okay. OHH! We finally took our height and weight! Everyone shrunk by a cm i think ): Ohwell. HAHA. Then, 77 stayed back to practise the dance(x I think we've got preeeeetttyyyy much the whole dance down(x NOW, to show the rest by/on Thursday(x I think I pulled a muscle; MY RIGHT THIGH HURT THROUGHOUT TOUCHRUG. And I don't think I've got the game down yet ): Ohhwell. MORE PRACTISE! Thursday AGAIN... x_x

S77 amuses me to no end sometimes(x I'm waiting to see what else we're capable of(x

Why NOT?

Invisible, yet not.
Perhaps.

When?

2007-01-21T19:36:00.000+08:00

It's been an uneventful two days.

And, I'm being stressed by my class. MUGGERS, these people. Or, maybe I've become slack; hmmm... Probably actually. I've never been so unconcerned bout undone homework before. HAHA; ohwell. A new lease of life, a new list of bad habits? I couldn't be sure. I don't even want to know, actually.

There were things being said in anger, in irritation. There were things being said just for the sake of talking. but at the end of the day who suffers for speaking in the first place? Are we as competent in handling ourselves as we think? Or are we secretly afraid of what we might say when we're no longer conscious of what we're saying? Sometimes, it's just better not to know; or to ever find out.

To feel wanted, to belong. It's no longer optional. It's a necessity. Something we crave to stay afloat. The things we do, the parts of ourselves we lose to get what we want... Is it worth it? How much of our lives can we gamble away? OPPORTUNITY COST. Is it worth it to go for the next best alternative, if we could have more in other aspects? What is the opportunity cost of giving ourselves away?

Sometimes, we're better off not knowing certain things.
But, who can stop us from not wanting to know?

Anticipation. Angony.
Do we really know anything?

2007-01-20T12:42:00.000+08:00

AFTER A VERY LONG WEEK OF LECTURES AND TUTORIALS, (with many sweets to help us along...)

WE'RE DONE WITH THE FIRST PROPER WEEK OF SCHOOL!(x

The lectures were FAST (PARTIAL FRACTIONS IN ONE LESSON AND BINOMIAL IN BOUT TWO?!), the tutorials were... Fun(x (AHEM, poor poor mdmyeo. Kena dao-ed by all of us. And STILL asking if she's going too slow.SIGH.) And the class was great. I liked the three hour talk in the high school canteen on day one, the crapping before PE on Tuesday, the lunch with a few class people on Wednesday (weixin and his imitation of SOMEONE laughing and xianhuan's apple. GOODNESS. 0.0), the random hanging out at FISHTANK, pulling of hair and poking during lectures/tutorials(x ... And of course, the FIRST OFFICIAL CLASS GATHERING OF 07S77(:

I had a blast; THAT I know(: We arrived at Jared's place with Yiwei's cake at bout 6plus I think. Then, we some of us sat round playing card, while the rest ended up in the play ground nearby(x we TRIED playing bridge but got bored after ONE round and decided to play daidi instead. It was Sean, Andrea, Benedict and Weixin and I AT FIRST; somehow, suring the course of the games, Hongchao joined in and we formed an alliance of sorts(x Sean, Hongchao, Xianhuan VS Weixin, Benedict and I. Hilarious, but brilliant cos we won in the end, with Weixin's ROYAL FLUSH. 0.0 and one insignificant di(x THEN JARED PUT NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM ON!(x Haha, it was quite retarded; we were half-playing half-watching and decided to give up totally(x THEN WE HAD FOOD!(: (After giving up waiting for stragglers like HUIFEN, YIWEI, HUNSHENG, YUEYANG, JIAYUN, XINER and WENYUAN to arrive :p) PIZZA PIZZA AND MORE PIZZA, plus SPEGHETTI(: SOME OF THEM CAN REALLLY EAT 0.0And the convo over dinner was quite funny(x Until someone spit his food out, laughing(x HAHA, pointless, random conversation. VERY nice(:

After that, we went back to watching Night At The Museum... But, halfway through the show, we gave Yiwei her surprise(: We puased the show, switched all the lights off and carried her vcake out, with the rest of the class singing a birthday song for her(: So sweet(: We, of course, had the picture-taking, cake-cutting... Then, cake-smearing. I THINK Yiwei, Huifen, Jared, Shiwei, Weixin and I were the only ones who got smeared ): HAHA. Next birthday... MORE SMEARING. Mwahahah!(x We finished Night at The Museum then played 'I NEVER'. GOODNESS. Ahaha, using POOR Brandon's cookies as the stuff to be eaten, we played said very... General things. Haha, after a while it was gender against gender, so it was pretty pointless and everyone was STUFFED to teh full(x After that, we played... MURDERER. Only, the game ALSO had a rapist(x Haha. The murderer got raped, in quite a few rounds I think(x HAHA. POOR MURDERER. The DETECTIVES also quite blur, sometimes(x STONING, only(x HAHA. (ESPCIALLY ONE WHO STONES WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN(x Tsk. Stones like that even during lectures/BORING tutorials... :p)

After we got bored of murderer, we sat round and TRIED to gossip, but it was sort of pointless. And, I realised that the two people we were talking about really weren't so bad after all. Okay, maybe ONE's not so bad(x Then, gradually, everyone left ): At the end of it, only Wenyuan, Brandon, Jared, Ningxin, Weixin and I were left. It was a weird but very.. Productive... Information exhanging session(x And someone was being VERY emo. SIGH, tsk, these people. Oh well. At least it was nice and we got to know everyone a little better(:

I hoped for something like this. I wished for people like these. And, now, I've found a good mix. I want to stay; but, can I, will WE? It's something I don't want to find out; but, I know we'll have to. And it's coming out so soon... Will we stay on? Time's ticking away; lives are wasting... For the moment. And nothing could be more simplistic.

God will make a way.

Finally, here's a pic of 07S77(: (The one after we did our 'right jerk, left jerk' during the amazing race(x )

And HERE, 21 of us at Jared's place(:
Always.(:

2007-01-13T21:28:00.000+08:00

Though we may have had our diffiulties...

I LOVE 07S77!!!!!!

WE WERE ALL SO DAMNED HIGH DURING CAMPFIRE, even though there was no real fire to speak of(x haha. The singing of songs was crazy! At first, all of us were in a circle, then somewhere during the first song we formed like a snake and went round the whole hall(x haha. When 当你孤单你会想起谁 came on, ALL of us stopped and jumoed like mad idiots, screaming like we didn't need our voices the next day(x (Or at least Jia Min and I(x ) HAHA. Then, the snake continued for a bit then S77 went back to our spot, formed a HUGE circle with a few random ppl from other classes and swayed with the music, randomly screaming lyrics, until the end of the song session. Then, MASS DANCE!(x haha. Scarmbled to find partners, and I got paired with Jared, again. HAHA(x IT WAS DAMN FUN. Cos we didn't know what we were doing and were just dancing exaggeratedly and throwing each other around(x haha. APPARENTLY, a photographer weaved between all the couples and took pics of them. I HOPE HE DIDN'T TAKE A PIC OF OUR CLASS!(x haha. THEN WE WENT OUT FOR SUPPER WOTH OUR SENIOR CLASS!(x THAT WAS FUN. Hahahha. FOUR generations of S77 classes... GOSH. It was fun(: And we played stupid games i.e. Jonny Whoosh, the TRAIN game, BANG BANG BANG till we went home(x Reached home at bout 12 and was still high(:

Hahah, I hope lectures/tutorials don't cause us to drift from each other. The class unity, for now, is great(: (I hope I can stay in HC...)

AH-AH-POLLO! AH-AH-POLLO! AH-AH-POLLO!
ARE YOU IN, GO!
AH-AH-POLLO! AH-AH-POLLO! AH-AH-POLLO!
BEAT THE REST YEAH!
AH-AH-POLLO! AH-AH-POLLO! AH-AH-POLLO!
WE'RE THE BEST! WHOO!

2007-01-08T15:05:00.000+08:00

ORIENTATION WITH OUR OGs IS OVER!! ):
OHWELL. And I can't believe I'm AT HOME with the BLOODY STOMACH FLU while the rest of the J1s are having fun in their CTs ): Not to mention I won't get to learn the last part of Wild Wild West with the rets of them too ): OHWELL.
Thank God I feel better now. MAYBE I'LL BE ABLE TO GO TO SCHOOL TMR!(: YAY!(: haha.
ORIENTATION WAS GOOD!(:
It started out SLOWLY at first, but picked up in pact toward the end. And after the OG NINETEEN OUTING yesterday, I can't imagine splitting up into different groups. AGAIN. It was fun, with them(: had dinner at cine's Cartel with almost the WHOLE OG(: Then played pool (the girls, obviously, were a bit lost at first(x ), after saying goodbye to LIONEL and LIUQING. Tsk, our other OGL didn't even come. OHWELL!
HAHA, I'm kinda looking forward to the amazing race tmr :p

This is how the NEW YEAR feels like...

AND I'VE FINALLY DECIDED!
I like my new hair!(:

2007-01-01T22:07:00.001+08:00

2007's HERE! It'd kinda surereal how it's arrived already...

I can't say 2006 passed as I wanted it to, but it was mostly good; nothing I'd ever change, that is(: Sure, some things said could've been taken back, things done could've been BETTER done, but I guess they don't matter any more(x There's suddenly this feeling of immense optimism bout 07 and the NEW YEAR(x And I can't be more thankful that it's coming at such a good time.

2007's gonna be different for all of us, I think. Moving on and all that. I can't say much bout it too, cos everything's been said. All the 'keep in touch's, 'will miss you!'s; I hope those who've said it will mean it. It's gonna be hectic, crazy and what not, I suspect and it'll definitely be a welcomed comfort to have a constant through it all. Or many constants, preferably(x

God knows what'll happen. I can only commit everything to Him now. My fears, hopes, dreams... All into His hands. I know He'll see them and make everything well at the end of the day. Best author, ever; so, I don't think He'll ruin my life story, unless I ruin it myself(x

BAH. I can't blog any more without becoming just another blog or blogging what it really means to me. SO, I hope everything turns out for the best, like it normally does. hmm, SO MANY THINGS TO REMEMBER THIS YEAR. I guess just a bit bout everything won't hurt?(x

My class 4I, 2007:
CRAZY. haha, the lessons with Khong and Rachelsee SNEEZING, Sumi's weird qns, T-melia's enthusiasm, Sining and Valerie's random bouts of laughter in class(x , Mdm Lum's REIGN OF TERROR (POOR aunty mingjin(x ), Brenda's enthusiasm to get our class to PARTICIPATE!(x , the MUGGING times with jing/daddy/tata/khong/sining/mj or whoever(x haha.I LOVE 4I 2007(x And of course, the CRAZY SMART PPL WHO CAN GET BLOODY GOOD SCORES. (like Khong who gets straight A1s. 0.0 )

Prefects!:
The proposals of last, LAST year, the events we've ushered at, the weird outings after(PP KOPITIAM!(x ), the study sessions with pcs in teh PR(: other schools' invests, OUR INVEST...(x

Leaders 06/Instructors 05:
DAMN, all the CACAT TIMES!(x As in structors 05 --the DANCE practices!(x Belle's house, PPmacs!, morning setups!, OAC 05... Ahaha, DAMN good memories, even now(: We had fun, THAT I can safely say(x As leaders 06 --OAC 06!(x haha, the times when we were slaccking in the kitchen, walking around aimlessly and being retarded, FOURTH NIGHT!(x , thousand-legged worm, etc(x so CACAT, so DAMNED fun(: People and things I REALLY won't forget.

HOTfamily:
ALL THE IMPROMPTU OUTINGS (that Grace, Jazzy and I SOMEHOW had a hand in planning(x ), the BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS (cake smearing, bikini and whatnot(x ), SEOULD GARDEN, the movies, the gatherings at Grace's place... It's been awesome. the gossiping, bitching and all too(x These are people I don't EVER want to forget(:

Church/ JYC comm 05:
I guess we weren't as close... But, it happens I guess. And not doubt that it would, even if it didn't happen last year. I still want stuff to be kept together, I guess. Even if, it's just Rach and I. Everyone's flying off... In their own way.

Hmmm, I guess at the end of it all, I can only hope I won't lose anything I gained in 2006. And all I can TRULY hope for is a HAPPY New Year, in 2007.

So many wishes and dreams yet to come true...

2006-12-29T12:03:00.000+08:00

...Some are like water,
Some are like the heat.
Some are melodies,
Some are the beat.
Sooner or later they'll all be gone;
Why don't they stay on?
It's hard to get without a cause;
I don't want to perish like a fading voice.
Youth is like diamonds in the sun;
And diamonds are forever.
So many adventures couldn't happened today,
So many songs that we forgot to play,
So many dreams swimming out in the blue...
Let them come true.

Forever young; I want to be forever young.

Do you really want to live forever?
--Youth Group. Forever Young.

Interesting question.

2006-12-26T14:54:00.000+08:00

A photo update. What 2006 has brought me...

Dhil, Shin and I on Racial Harmony day. I LOVE the kitchen dept(: Cooler carrying, crapping and all...(x
Deepavali 2006!(: At Ash's place. It was nice. And we tried to act lian with the one, two, three, four poses(x
Our last campfire. Dhil and I walking to the kitchen again. The last time, ever...
4I 2006(: I LOVE 4I(: Graduation Day 2006. Best pic of our class, yet!
And of course, my beloved HOTs. At Grace's place on the 21st. One dinner I'll never forget, even though we didn't do anything much...

2006 brought so many events, so mnay people. And I thank God for them(: Four years in Ceadr wouldn't have been the same without them(x

2006-12-25T22:41:00.000+08:00

IT'S CHRISTMAS!(x
Easily the most anticipated holiday of the year, really.
With presents, friends, family and TIME... Who wouldn't like it?
Unless of course, you're stuck at home with nothing much to do.
Somehow, I feel guilty; cos I've been thinking bout MYSELF and how I'm enjoying MY holiday, not bout what Christmas means.
Jesus was born; that's the most important thing(:
It's the most important now, and it was 2000 odd years ago too.
He saved us from eternal damnation, walks besides us and loves us unconditionally...

If that doesn't deserve to be celebrated, I don't know what does.

So, MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE(: You're loved, waaaay beyond expectation... Regardless of who you are(:

2007 is in a WEEK! AHHH!
That's a scary thought, to say the least.
Moving to a new school, meeting new people... Finally being able to NOT be nun...
There are so many things to be done! People to meet, cards that have yet to be sent out, things to think about, issues to settle...
2006 has been wonderful(: It let me come full circle.
And now, I must end it properly, to lock the memories up for good.
So, if you ave unfinished business iwth me, please drop me a msg or sthg.
I'll try to settle it before 2007 begins.

But, if i don't, I'm sorry.
I'll try to make it up to you in the new year.
To good, old friends --It's not goodbye. I'm not letting go. So, please don't.

There are so many other things I want to say bout this year, about the future...
But I guess it's redundant now.
Everything I have to say is in the people I care for, in the people I love.
And, I guess, try as I might, I can never find the right words to justify just how good the Lord has been to me this year.

Living testimonies affect others the most deeply...
Now, I see why.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!(:

2006-12-19T20:00:00.000+08:00

To you, who has been a constant in my life--
It's been what, 5 years, now? We've changed so much; but we're lucky to have changed together. It's not the same any more, I guess. No longer the innocent people looking to surpass each other (okay, it might be me.) in tuition, but the people who've been through life-changing painful and, for the lack of a better word, happy experiences. I'm glad we didn't let go, too. Can you imagine if we did? I can't, actually. Thank you for giving me time; time to grow and straighten myself out. I don't know why I'm doing this now, so spontaneously, but it's stuff you should know, if you didn't already(x You've got lots of things to tell me; TSK! The scandals on your blog, for a start ;) But it's always been like that huh? Nonsense, sense, doesn't matter any more. We talk; and that's what counts.

Remember what you promised me bout next year. Work hard for it. We both will.

To you, who I owe an explanation--
It's been done. False hope, lies, deceit; if you think those, after reading it, then I'm sorry. I can't help you any more. If you think not, I leave the rest to you. I might still do things you don't want me to, but I might. And for reasons I hope you understand. So, I really hope you do; I'm getting a bit frustrated with putting stuff in words.

2006-12-10T23:30:00.000+08:00

Corrinne May. Everything in Its Time.
Sometimes i wonder what lies ahead
How long til my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
so many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer
To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and i try to pray
In the silence i can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like that i'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why i should give up
But i'm stubborn in the things i believe

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to the patience and watch for the sign

'Cause maybe there's another plan
One i still cant see
A little surprise, like your love in your life
Funny how time changes how we see

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to the patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I love this song. Perhaps, this is what the Lord has been trying to tell me all this time. Don't know why, but there's a sudden... Disconnection. I hope things go back to normal soon. It's hard to beliebe everything's fine and normal when you constantly feel that there's something missing.

I was just thinking of a few people; how they've changed, the people I knew them as, the people they've become... It's fascinating how people affect other people. And how we move on, eventually, 'cos nothing can really hold us back; not forever at least. We're all moving on for good, soon; postings will be out this coming Thursday. I've always thought that I'd be elated that I'm FINALLY moving on, but now that we've come to it... I can't help but think that going back to Cedar next year would be the best thing ever.

It's probably the fear of the unknown, the fear of... Rejection. So many uncertainties in the coming year --so many new people to meet, so many new things to do. I wonder if I'll be able to do them all; I wonder if I'll regret doing anything, or NOT doing some of the things for that matter. But all these are so... Understood. Everyone feels the same things. Sometimes, I don't know why I blog the obvious.

I'm gonna miss everyone. The CACAT times, the sad times, the crazy times, the mundane times, the anxious times... In each of those times, I was with people. They made memories with me. I don't wanna forget them, and I don't have all the photos to commemorate every event... But prayfully, even 10 years down the road from now, I hope I remember how I felt. That's all that matters, at the end of the day.

2006-12-09T14:36:00.000+08:00

The holidays are overrated.
After the prom buzz and everything else, everything sort of went... Stale.
PFFT. Haha, I wouldn't be surprised if everyone else feels the same way.
To think we were looking forward to the post-Os period OH SO eagerly...
OH WELL. Time to catch up on the things we missed (if anything at all).

Things to do:
1) Finish up CHRISTMAS CARDS. (It's kinda ironic that I'm DAMN BORED, yet can't find the will to finish anything. x_x)
2) Finish getting presents for everyone!(x (HEH. Fun part.)
3) READ MORE FANFICS.
4) Settle any... Delayed situations... Before 2006 ends. (TATA, YOU FREE?(x haha.)
5) MENTALLY PREPARE MYSELF FOR THE JC POSTING RESULTS NEXT WEEK. (x_x God knows best... God knoes best...)
6) OTHE RANDOM THINGS SUCH AS BLOGGING AND BOTHERING MY NEE AND MAKING SURE MY COUSINS WRECK OUR HOME. Of course; MAKING SURE I DON'T KILL THEM OUT OF ANNOYANCE. OH YES! And to READ THE BLEACH MANGA. :3 Haha. Think I'm obsessed(x

LAHDEEDAH. Leaders' chalet next week!
(I can't wait.) Though I might have to disappear to Johor for the day...
OH WELL. ALL IN THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT! (WASTE AWAY YOUR LIFE! YAY! JOY TO THE WORLD!)

I'm beginning to think too much time mightn't be THAT good for the soul;
too much time to think (of crazy stuff to do) bout stuff...

2006-11-28T15:11:00.001+08:00

LAST BATCH OF PHOTOS!(x
Mingen!(:

Shiwen!(:

AND MY BELOVED KITCHEN DEPT 05-06(: hahaha. I LOVE this pic(:

OHH.and for those who want their pics... i have the vicky/tata one with me ;) think the rest have got their pics..?(:

Seasons of Love. Rent soundtrack.
525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear
525,600 minutes how do you measure
Measure a year
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life
How about love
How about love
How about love
Measure in love
Seasons of love

525,600 minutes, 525,000 journeys to plan
525,600 minutes how can you measure the life of a woman or man
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried?
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died?

It's time now to sing out, though the story never ends
Let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love
Remember the love
Remember the love
Measure in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love

Good movie. Loved the soundtrack(:

2006-11-28T14:49:00.000+08:00

MORE PHOTOS!(x

Zhenluan looking ABSOLUTELY GIRLY.

YUSIN, JENNIFER AND ARICA!(x their turns next year.. ;)

Jing!(x Wonder if she applied make up at all...

ZI!!haha, haven't talked to her in ages...

DARLING DHILSHAD.scary eyes 0.0

SARAH MUMMY!!haha, tall and fair and with BIG...(x

RACHEL SEE with red highlights and looking very pretty(:

T-MELIA!!!(x

ACHU!..looking ohsosleepy.pftt.rum and coke, eh? ;)

GOTHIC BELLE.hahah(: pretty, though(:

haha, there're still come more. My weird comp won't upload them though.hmmm...

2006-11-25T19:23:00.000+08:00

NOW, for the UPDATE ON PROM NIGHT 2006!
haha, I had a BLAST(: Six. The awesome class of 2006.
Whatever we're called, I think we're the craziest batch to ever grace the Cedar compound. I'll miss all of y'all... Cedarians, forever(:

There was the crazy photo taking in the foyer when I arrived. The EXCO 05-06 was there, plus khong, tata, etc(x heh. I couldn't recognise ANY ONE there. Everyone was sooo preeetttaaayyy.(x haha. Then, it was up to the hall for more crazy phot taking(x It was fun running around in heels, screaming for people to take pics with you. Haha, practically everyone was doing that(x

Ash and I looking well, smiley?(x
Sining looked pretty without specs!!(x haha. It was different though..(:

Jazzy, Rach and I. Jazzy looking 'expensive'(heh.) in her purple dress and STRAIGHT hair, and Rach looking fab in her blue top(: (pfft. You DO NOT have a fat face.)

Evelyn looked so sweet(:

Hmmm. My comp's not cooperating with me. So, more next time(x

2006-11-20T23:15:00.000+08:00

A dull throb. That's all the past few days mean to me now.
Everything's passing so fast; can't remember them well... Can't SAVOUR them.
And somehow, I can't bring myself to record them any more.
Everything I see, everything I feel...
No words can do them justice.
Not now, at least. So wrapped up in everything I want, everything there is to do...

Ideal? Maybe.

2006-11-04T19:28:00.000+08:00

Alanis Morissette. Ironic.
An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
Isn't it ironic ... don't you think

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought ... it figures.

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids good-bye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
'Well isn't this nice...'
And isn't it ironic ... don't you think?

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought ... it figures.

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

It's a traffic jam when you're already late
It's a no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic... don't you think?

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought ... it figures.

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out...
Helping you out.

And after Hands Clean, i thought i'd never find a song that would stay in my head for THAT long again...

2006-10-31T20:48:00.000+08:00

I like to run away once in a while;
to escape what I need to face NOW.
Be it with people, with my BOOKS, or with other situations...
I can't seem to handle confrontation.
I wonder why.

And to think that cowardice digusts me.

HAHA. I think all of us are walking ironies at least once in our lives.
Some for a longer period of time than others.
Whether we do it consciously, or not...
It happens.
And for those who notice it in othres, it's amusing to watch.

Pfft. I'm so tired of studying.
Seeing thh same stuff over and over and over and over again, pressurising yourself to do the same things over and over and over again and hearing the people around you sauying the same things over and over and over again...
It gets seriously tiring after a while.
Not to mention irritating/frustrating/anger-inducing...

GAH. I think we're ironies now, more so than ever.
Most of us, if not all, know the importance of the O LEVEL EXAMS.
BUT, a good number of us aren't working hard enough or to our expectation.
What ever happened to peaking at the right moments? (and not..uhh. Nevermind.)
Or PERFORMING TO THE BEST OF OUR ABILITIES??
HAHA. It's so amusng how I can say all these things,
and STILL be unhappy with my level of commitment, regarding my work.

PFFT. This is so irritating.
No wonder some people just give up and go crazy.
(AHEM, selfp. Acting out =/= GOING out of our house(x )
Haha. I think at this point in time, all of us just need a bit of RANDOMNESS.
SO!...

WE ATE RICE IN THE HALL TODAY!!!MWAHAHAHAH!!!!
If only we had ikan bilis. It would've been like nasi lemak if we did.
And we were SO FULL we had to play caiquan and zhoujimima to get rid of the left over cake.
OH!!! HOW COULD I FORGET!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MALITAA...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!(:

May you (NOT!!) continue to be the smelly we all know. (HAHA. I'M SO FUNNY I CAN'T STAND MYSELF. *mingjin's/malita's/daddy's imaginary voices: ZI HAI.*)
And may you watch many many many many more NC-16 shows~!
(LEGALLY, of course. Pffft. Such a big headache, the last time round...(x )

ALRIGHTY THEN! I'M OFF TO CONQUER (or, hopefully, to START conquering) MOUNTAINS OF WORK!!! *ties heavy pink blanket around neck* *chokes* *loosens blanket to prevent suffocation (I'M SO SMART!!!(: )* *puts a hand on hip and thrusts (HAHAHA. HANDS and not hips...) the another (Like you know, on grad night last year?) into the (NONO, not like THAT, selfp.) air* (Pfft. Such weird thinking...) *runs away in a whirlwind of heavy pink cloth*

(Insert disturbed looks from rachel and jazzy. Also include a jaw drop from rach,
upon seeing the OFFENSIVE, PINK blanket)

Okay, SUGAR REFILL, ANYONE?!

2006-10-22T20:27:00.000+08:00

It's so pointless thinking bout things that are beyond your control.
Techinically, it's pointless thinking about people and their reactions too.
'Cos everyone's unpredictable at one pt in time or another, and there's no telling when the next moment will be, so i guess there's really no point trying to analyse some one or their reactions.
And that's why i don't quite understand why the majority of females do it anyway.
Maybe we're too paranoid, in the midst of becoming anal or utterly irritable.
Or it could just be the PMS.
Regardless, sometimes i think we worry too much for our own good.
Over thinking never leads to anything good...

Pfft.

...You know that if this earth should crack,
I'll be your solid ground.
I wwill be there to catch you when you fall down.

Whatever you want, whatever you need;
whatever it takes, I'd do anything.
If i had to crawl, get down on my knees...
Whatever it takes, i'd do anything.
--Anything. The calling.

I'm obsessed;
with too many things apparently...

2006-10-03T20:32:00.000+08:00

All of my memories keep you near.
In silent moments,
Imagine you'd be here.
All of my memories keep you near,
Your silent whispers, silent tears.
--Memories.Within Temptation.

Lessons are becoming more intense again.
not with the urgency to cover topics that have yet to be taught,
but by the pressure of the impending Os.
there're so near now..
less than five week away.
our bio practical is on the 17th.
nail biting, hair pulling, hand wringing...
tsk.not yet, i guess.
just mental trauma distress for now.
ooh.papers, papers and MORE papers!
not to mention our own revision agendas.
there are only so many things we can do in one day..
sometimes, i wish fatigue didn't exist.

SLOTH.one of the seven deadly sins.
ANGER.the most destructive of the seven deadly sins.
we just don't recognise sin, when we do.
only when it's too late...
what's the use?
time to put time to good use.
i should ban myself from the computer and the tv.
i SHOULD.but i know i CAN'T.
unless you tell me the exams have been re-scheduled to start tomorrow...
but isn't that how everyone's supposed to think, by now?
..at least, that's what we're convinced to think anyway.

Is it right?
Is it wrong?
sigh.i should be single minded to a fault, now.
but i'm hardly even focused.
some people stress me out.
they're already so far along with their revision..
and they're studying like CRAZY now.
while i, well...
haven't started.
ugh.enough moaning and groaning.
TIME TO GET TO WORK.

I WILL GET OFF THIS BLOODY COMPUTER.
I CAN DO THIS.
I WILL NOT SUCCUMB TO TEMPTATION.
I WILL NOT SLEEP EXCESSIVELY either.
I CAN DO THIS.

goal one: not to touch the computer till next friday.
let's see if i make it...

2006-10-01T18:45:00.000+08:00

The post-exam enjoyment/happiness has to die down now.
it's time to start mugging again.
this time, for a more important exam.
it's funny how our lives keep piling the exams one on top of another.
literal, spiritual, emotional, physical...
and we can't do anything but drag ourselves through.
but i bet everyone knows that;
what's the point in stating the obvious?
or stating the things that have been overly said, to the point of becoming cliche?
we live as we live.
end of story. ellipses.

TSK.impending decisions...
where to go? how much more do i have to do?
WHAT EXACTLY SHOULD I DO?
time's running. the clock's started.
then again, when has anyone been interested in that?
everyone knows time doesn't stop.
what point is there in doing the things we do, anyway?
the only certainty we have in birth, is death..
read that somewhere.
i thought Paulo Coelho's 'Veronika Decides to Die' was a starnge book at first.
but i guess, i understand now.
it really isn't so pointless trying to end life now,
whilst we're still looking good,
since life is so pointless anyway.
is there more to life?
sometimes, i wonder why God made me human.
to save more humans? to being misery to the Earth?
to be happy and to live?
to be saved?
the onus is on us, now, to save others.
with-holding treasures for selfish enjoyment is punishable.
...well, then.is that really the purpose of living?

God, is there an answer?
a step forward in faith; a step backward in guilt

No one likes sadness or complication.
so, let this be a happy post.

WOW.i'm going to start STUDYING next week.
I.CAN'T.WAIT!
the world is a bright and beautiful place!
people are as they seem, innocence stays with you your whole lifetime!
everything is perfect.
i could never ask for more!

haha.it's so easy to be happy.
but realise that when we are,
we can't really narrate it;
not as well as we define or describe negativity.
(for the normal person at least)
perhaps, it's cos we all secretly want empathy.
perhaps, even pity.
all of us want someone who undertands;
but above all, we all want someone who tries to understand us cos it shows our worth, as humans.
it's so easy to understand those who are understandable.
but can we be considered understanding if we ONLY try to understand those people?

sigh, sometimes the sterotypes can be so wrong...

ohwell.it's off to TRY TO start studying!
how HAPPY!

(selfp, like teh songs much?(x )
Within Tempation.Angels.
Sparkling angel, I believe
You were my savior in my time of need.
Blinded by faith I couldn't hear
All the whispers, the warnings so clear.
I see the angels,
I'll lead them to your door.
There's no escape now,
No mercy, no more.
No remorse, cause I still remember...
The smile when you tore me apart.

You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.

Sparkling angel, I couldn't see
Your dark intentions, your feelings for me.
Fallen angel, tell me why;
What is the reason, the thorn in your eye?
I see the angels,
I'll lead them to your door
There's no escape now
No mercy no more
No remorse cause I still remember...
The smile when you tore me apart.

You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they turn into real.
You broke the promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Could have been forever.
Now we have reached the end.

This world may have failed you,
It doesn't give you a reason why.
You could have chosen a different path in life.

The smile when you tore me apart.
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they turn into real.
You broke the promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Could have been forever.
Now we have reached the end.

2006-09-29T22:55:00.000+08:00

I guess this week has been relatively good.
Praise God. He heard my prayers and answered them.
And now, i'm relying on Him again to show me where i should go.
I'm sure He'll provide me with a sign, in due time.
He never fails. I know that now.

I'm in love with a song from the GOOFY MOVIE.
hahaha.my sister's fault--
she found an anime music video using the song as background music.
HILARIOUS.
hahaha.so, now, i'm addicted to the song.
WOOHOO.i'll probably be singing that after the Os.
haha, but i'll guess it'll apply FOR A WHILE, for now(x
SO CUTE.

After Today. A Goofy Movie.
They've been laughin' since I can remember
But they're not gonna laugh anymore
No more "Maxie the geek", no more "Goof of the week"
Like befooore

No more algebra tests 'til September
No more lookin' at losers like him
No more more havin' to cheat
No more mystery meat
No more gym
No more gym
No more gym
No more gym!

Gonna move to the mall!
Gonna live in the pool!
Gonna talk to Roxanne and not feel like a fool!

'Cause after today I'm gonna be cruisin'!
After today she'll be mine!
After today my brains will be snoozin'!
If I don't faint I'll be fine!
I've got forty more minutes, of home economics
Then down with the text books
And up with the comics!
Just think of all the time I've been losin'
Finding the right thing to say!
But things will be going my way, after today

She looked right through me, and who could blame her?
I need a new me, plus some positive proof that I'm not just a goof, and
After today I'm gonna be cruisin'!
No more pep rallys to cut! Yech!
After today my brains will be snoozin'!
I'm gonna sit on my butt
I've got less than an hour, and when this is ended
I'll either be famous..
Or you'll be suspended!

Just think of all the time I've been losin'
Waiting untill I could say ...
Gonna be on my own, kiss the parents goodbye
Gonna party from now 'till the end of July
Things'll be going my way, after todaaaaaaay...

I wish that this was the day after today.

HAHAHAHA(x
oh well.so much for day dreaming.
it's time to hit the books...
AGAIN.
(i want my six points.BADLY.)
hurhur.i think we're all weird.
HAHAHA.funny.

i guess i was wrong.
anyway i put it now, i'll always be wrong when it comes to you.
so, it's good.
i don't understand.
and you can finally leave this behind.
perhaps, you finally see my point.my worthlessness...
and decide that you're worth more than this.

Perhaps...

2006-09-27T20:19:00.000+08:00

Results back today.
half of the papers, at least.
i have hope, still.
but for how long will it last?
SIGH.only tomorrow will tell...

We're into midweek already.
the days pass so quickly, now.
tsk.and we really have to start work all over again.
kinda hard when you still don't know where your prelim results might take you.
an excuse? a reason?
haha, i don't know why i'm deluding myself.
BAH.WORK.NOW.
don't look back; cannot look back.

All things are possible in Him.
with all i'm holding inside,
i trust Him to deliver me.
i trust Him to help me, like He always does.
WE HAVE HOPE YET.

Sec threes taking their exams now.

hmmm.64774643837984464, eh?
i guess.and you're right.
what can i say now, anyway?
you've resolved to walk on.
and that's different from 64774643837984464.
even if you believe it isn't.

2006-09-20T20:57:00.000+08:00

A bowling session taught me a lesson.
The machine was faulty,
so some people got some extra chances to bowl,
and make up for what they didn't manage to do the first time round.
It was a 'second chance', so to speak.
others, however, weren't as 'lucky'.
Some kept saying that if you waited long enough,
'luck' would eventually come to you.
Well, that never happened.

It made me think;
why do some people get second chances in life?
will we wait in blind anticpation till luck comes a knocking?
or will scepticism get to us first and make life miserable?
DON'T ALL OF US DESERVE SECONDA CHANCES?
why is it, then, that some people don't get those chances,
especially after making so many (DAMNED) mistakes?

Another funny thing that happened was that after every strike or spare,
that bowler would lose her 'luck' and do..
comparatively worse.
It's strange, but it happens in life too.
I guess that's why people hoard things, hoard people;
because they don't want to let go of the things they painstakingly begged/borrowed/stole/worked their souls out/betrayed themselves to get.
But what if we had to let them go?
What if life really doesn't do well after hitting the peak?
Can we quit, then? Will we quit?
will we call life a 'waste of time and money'?
Or will we sulk, simply cos we aren't good enough?
CAN we be better?
Does practice EVER make perfect?
Or is it yet another ideal?

Sometimes, i wonder where God is in all this.
Does He see us wodnering and laugh at our immaturity?
Or does He sigh and pity us for living with such warped preception?
IS HE EVEN THERE?
Does He even care?

...sometimes, i wonder.
But i never get my answers.

I realise that when i want something too much,
I keep telling myself that i MUST do it;
I keep forcing myself to believe i need it more than i really do.
Then, i lose my cool and everything falls apart.
Perhaps, it's just better to forget what i want.
Or forget pursuing of it.
So that, finally, God would be fair.
Seems like everything now is an endless pursuit anyway;
we want GOOD GRADES, we want to get into a GOOD JC, we want to get into a GOOD UNI STREAM, we want to have a GOOD CAREER, we want to live a GOOD LIFE.
chasing, Chasing, CHASING.
WHEN WILL THIS MADNESS STOP?
Then, I remember that we have a cjhoice;
we COULD make all this go away;
we COULD stop wanting anything.
But we don't, and CHOOSE to continue lamenting when things don't go our way.
We're all probably more stupid than we think.

WHY do we care for what people think ANYWAY?
I can ask for ALL eternity,
yet KNOW at the end of the day,
all of us care what the next person thinks of us,
simply because we are humans seeking acceptance.
EVEN WHEN we act as if we don't care.
MAYBE one day, we'll FINALLY decide to TRULY disregard everyone's opinion of us.
HAH, if that be the case,
most of us will end up butt naked on the street with nothing to our name,
simply because it's EASIEST to,
and simply because we DON'T care any more.
WHY, then, are these people labelled CRAZY,
when they've achieved something NONE of us have yet to achieve?
they are 'pioneers' in their own right.
yet, society shuns them and tries to covre up this 'blemish'.
perhaps, this blemish lies within us.
perhaps, we don't want anything enough to do it SIMPLY BECAUSE we want to do it.
perhaps, opinions shouldn't have as much impact on us as they do now.
perhaps, we really shouldn't care.
it's our right, as human beings, anyway...

...right?

HAHAHA.
sometimes, we do things prematurely,
and hope with bated breath that we will never come to regret the things we do.
RIGHT TIMING.
always counts.

Haha, riiight.

2006-09-19T21:23:00.000+08:00

ONE MORE DOWN, ONE MORE TO GO.
Physics practical on thursday...
yet, the celebrations are starting tomorrow.
haha, we're SAVOURING every moment.
i don't know how geniuses do it;
or how people can study 24/7..
or somewhere near there.

Ever wanted to be alone?
just for the sake of avoiding other people?
have you ever felt the need to rediscover yourself,
for fear that you don't know yourself any more?
have you ever wanted to remain permanently invisible;
to be blotted out of everyone's lives?

have you ever feared yourself?
or feared the things you would do when no one's observing?
have you felt the need to hide yourself away,
for fear that you'll hurt someone else again?
have you ever felt afriad that you'll become someone you don't want to be?
or felt constricted, simply because you feel that the decision has already been made?
have you ever asked yourself why you fear?
or what causes fear?

have you? do you? will you ever?

..sometimes, i think i'm abnormal for questioning.

Less than a month away from the Os.
and i'm already tired, worn out.
tsk.shameless.
unbearable temptations, fantasies of SIMPLICITY.
all these whilst staring at my books.
through which i'm supposed to GLEAN INFO.
sheesh.whatever happened to 'focus' or 'determination'?
pfft.i hope for ALL our sakes that we can pick up the pace again once we've exhausted ourselves with..ENJOYMENT.
haha.what a funny thought.

till then,
let the fun begin.

2006-09-15T19:11:00.000+08:00

THE WEEKEND IS FINALLY HERE!!!!!!!!
*jumps around*
OKAY, even if the papers didn't go AS WELL..
I'M STILL HAPPY THEY'RE OVER.
i can forget bout an A for ss/geog.
doubtful with regard to phys, bio and chem.
HOPEFUL for amath.heheh.
and there's still emath and chinese next week.
ahh, of course, not forgettting the practicals.
(4/I's in shift TWO for bio! and shift ONE for phys!(: )
i predict that this weekend's gonna be..
SLACK.
haha, if today's anything to go by...
VERY SLACK.
and i'm loving every minute of it(x

it's kinda sad;
gotta start working HARD for Os right after the prelims.
tsk.the time we have to savour is SO SHORT...
i bet some are already working on their post prelim schedules.
goodness, the stress of being left behind.
ohwell.

to all who are taking a form of exam or another: JIAYOU!(:

hmmm.feeling especially...happy today.
somthing must be wrong(x
(learning too quick eh, selfp?(x
and don't worry.you'll do JUST FINE.)

2006-09-09T17:11:00.000+08:00

I can't belive i'm doing this.
it's two fucking days to the prelims.
and i'm online.
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?!
i haven't even touched my ss/geog yet.
DAMN IT.
i'm gonna die a gory, bloody death once the papers start.
i'm fed up with myself.
if i was someone else,
i'd throw up my arms and walk away.
BUT, i seem to be attached to myself,
so i can't.
damn it.

This is so pathetic.
i'm complaining bout myself.
i might as well be partially schizo.
(if not totally)
damn.damn.damn.
and whatever happened to wanting to get into vj,
or wanting to get 7 pts for prelims?
..all i've done is to disappoint myself.
over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over..
again.

Everyone at home's been so..nice;
my mum and dad are getting us nice things to eat,
even my nee's been doing that.
my maid's been so nice;
saving me a trip upstairs.
i SHOULD be repaying their kindness with an unwavering determination to work,
with steadfast commitment to my STUDIES.
but nice is overrated.
and so are my attempts.

i ought to be shot.
maybe thrown into the atlantic ocean or sthg.

i SHOULD be off studying something to do with seeds or tourist arrivals,
but i know i won't.
i'll probably just day dream.
of what?..i don't even know.
i could make it sound better and say i'm meditating,
but i know better.

i'm all out of faith.
this is how i feel..

illusion never changed into something real.

2006-09-04T23:14:00.000+08:00

Blast from the past.

There are SO MNAY things i wanna forget from sec 3.
so many things i regret doing,
so many people i regret letting go.
opprtune moments, pragmatism;
HAHA.i thought i could wait for those to come.
and, i realise now...
you can't.
they're meant for us to create.
what was there yesterday, might not be here today.
can we keep holding on?
or waiting for something to happen?
all of us have our 'what if's.
and i guess after all that has happened...
there are gonna be very few in my life from now on.

I miss my ex-angel.
i miss my ex-mortal.
two people who i let go last ear,
and never realised till this year.
VERY STUPID, huh?
but we all are, in retrospect.
maybe that's what i'd like to believe...
but it seems to be happeneing all the time.
time lost, time gained.
time... we have.
what we do now is what matters more than what we did a second ago,
or what we're gonna do a second from now.
we live NOW.
and, even if we decide to scale the walls we once left to crumble,
it's still something we're doing now.
perhaps, we'll conquer them this time.
maybe we'll meet the people on either sides of the wall.
maybe, finally, we'll find what we forsook on our way here.

carpe diem; seize the moment.

2006-09-03T13:19:00.000+08:00

Today is just another day to rectify the mistakes i made yesterday.
a day is just another day, spent waiting impatiently for things to get done.
tomorrow will be be like today, and the day after that like tomorrow.
if life is really this pointless, i don't see the point in living.
we keep asking ourselves what we want from life..
we have all these ideals;
oh, great career, great friends... happiness.
but what do we REALLY want?
sometimes, i lose sight, and i don't know why i continue to live.
sometimes i think it's easier to just die--
to finally go up to heaven and be with God, eternally.
but i KNOW He placd me on earth for a reason.
i guess we're all placed on earth for a reason, then.
it's just a matter of time before we find it..

or so i'd like to think.

preferably a time before we go insane,
or become wasted (whichever comes first),
from waiting for diving direction.

and now, i'm wondering if there's even such a thing.
waiting is the single most difficult thing we're called to do.
hah, great truths.
little realisation, too late.

crack, crack, crack, break.

paranoia did no one any good.
neither did guilt.
so stupid; SO, SO STUPID.
to think i doubted.
someone should really just shoot me.

and so, the drama of the ****** syndrome starts.

2006-08-26T12:15:00.000+08:00

And we walk on.

the prelims are coming closer!
*gasp* monday -english; tuesday - chem prac.
haha.never thought that things would move so fast.

perhaps, if life were to slow down...

2006-08-19T00:41:00.000+08:00

Things have happened.
i'm confused.
i'm not supposed to think about it;
i'm not supposed to sink into numbness.
but i'm slipping.
soon, sooner..present.
haha.never would have thought..

it takes courage to be a person.
i realise that now

regret IS life's greatest pain.

2006-08-08T22:38:00.000+08:00

sometmies, we think we think think some things can be saved.
it's true that some things ARE saved in the end..
but that isn't a guaruntee for all cases.
maybe hope's redundant.
it lifts you up,
then plunges you back down to reality..
WITH SO MUCH PAIN.
it's sometimes better that we take a step back,
to analyse the situation; to consider a step forward.
or to just be; something we forget to do,
when we're so wrapped up in emotion.

I never meant it.
and i'm NOT pushing you out.
i just need TIME and DISTANCE.
it'll come back,
if things play right.
but till then,
I'm sorry.

HOT outing today!
mummy, daddy, jazzy, rachel, zi, vi, evelyn and zhenluan.
lunched at cartel, beofre catching 'lake house' at PS.
talked LOTS.caught up LOTS.
i finally understand.
haha.that LONG AWAITED understanding.
conversation was good, company was great.
i couldn't possibly have wanted anything more.
i'll miss all of you, come next year ):
i guess i'll just have to treasure what we have now,
and keep these memories close to me, when we'e all separated.
one good memory is enough.
it pulled so many through life;
i hope where ever we go,
these times will be able to pull us through.

Some one asked me something today.
'do you believe in fairytales?'
i guess fairytales exist to only those who belive in their existance;
to those who belive in happy endings.
what ARE fairytales?
are they manifestations of hope?
or something people use to run away from reality?
..some times, i think they're both.
and for the weirdest reason ever,
i thought back to the HOTs;
the 14 of us.
they're my fairytale;
my manfestation of hope that good companionship is ALWAYS possible,
even IN SPITE of all the shit we go through.
they're my hide out from reality;
their companionship is my haven.
and that feeling of being loved is good enough for me now.

so, do i believe in fairytales?
yes, i do.
cos i see them around me 5 days a week,
and i feel them 24/7(:

If you died today,
who will mourn your passing?

Anger, disappointment, betrayal.
they're all part of life.
insecurity plagues it.
you mightn't forget what they did to you,
for a long time to come.
but, take heart.
it's an experience gained.
you're smarter now;
and your passion can never really be wrong.
we're all scarred.
don't cry;
the tears cut deep into those who care for you.

2006-08-06T16:55:00.000+08:00

you dread.
you don't want it to happen again.
yet, you're confronted with the fact that it is.
you can't run from it,
you can't hide from it.
it's you.
it's always been a part of you.
you thought you'd gotten rid of it..
you thought you were finally free; free to be whoever you wanted to be.
but your past haunts you.
and now, it's back;
at the wrong time,
in the wrong situation.

why is it you keep running?
what do you fear?
why keep asking, why keep going on?
you have no answers,
you're angry, frustrated.
and yet, you still have no answers.
you hate yourself.
you lead people on, then push them away.
you're a horrible person.

and yet, you still 'have people'.
hahaha.what irony.

why does that barrier exist?
why do you let it exist?
to keep yourself protected?
or to block people out?
do you fear hurt? rejection? disappointment?
why do you not let your guard down?
will there be a day, a person you'll be able to let through?
it's happened before; it destroyed who you are.
you see it happening again.
you're forced to think of your options;
to run? to hide?
or to confront it, knowing the same thing MIGHT happen again?

do you put yourself at risk?
or do you hurt the people you set out to comfort?
you don't know.
YOU DON'T know.
YOU DON'T KNOW!!!
damn it.DAMN IT.
of all the things NOT to know.

you're forced to make that decision again.

they're knocking.
will you let them in?

why do we avoid things in life?
out of fear? or rebellion?
against yourself? or for the 'greater good'?

why do we bother to define?
what happens when we're wrong?

I.don't.know.

i'm sorry; it was never my place to fill..

2006-07-28T22:54:00.000+08:00

There are only three things i really want as of now.
that's the funny thing bout life, ain't it?
you REALLY don't get what you want.
it seems SO CLOSE.
and in a second, it's gone.
maybe that's why people stop dreaming.
maybe that's how innocence is lost.

is it 'cos we want too much?
or is it 'cos we realise HOW MUCH we want it ONLY after we let it go?
i really wonder some times.
and ooh, let's not forget jealousy;
makes life a whole lot more interesting, no?
you see some one else having something you want,
perhaps even something you used to have,
and suddenly, you want what your neighbour has.
whoa.aren't we VOLATILE.(yes, miss self pollinated? x) )
then, does 'want' come from jealousy or true need?
the lines are blurred now;
more so, in a world where everyone wants everything.
and where most HAVE everything.
we can never het enough.
sad, really.

what ever happened to SIMPLE pleasures?
(NO, not like that, self pollinated.(x )

one of these days, we'er all gonna burst.
and we'll see what the world thinks of us then.
maybe we only THINK we want;
cos we're temporarily deprived of something we used to have.
i guess at the end of the day, we want..
cos we don't have.
and that's all we need to accept.
that's all the world would ever let us accept anyway.

how fas time flies.
it's been 5 FREAKING weeks since term 3 started.
it's scary, to say the least.
the week just started like, yesterday?
it's it's friday already.
i wonder how much faster time will fly.
it's ironic, though;
how slow time can pass in an instant;
in a particular moment.

sometimes, i just want time to stop.
(like in that commercial)
to let me savour all the wonderful things life has given me,
but haven't yet been realised.
maybe then, i'll be a better person, more appreciative.
and maybe then, i'll stop regretting every moment that comes to pass.

please speak slowly, my heart is learning

2006-07-20T22:39:00.000+08:00

DAMN IT.
it's not fair to be irritated with people who don't have anything to do with your anger.
it's NOR RIGHT.
so, why do people still do it?
are we rebellious by nature?
or do we just like to be angry?
is it a mark of maturity; to be angry and angsty?
or is it cool to be brooding and hoarding suppressed feelings?
DAMN IT.
i don't understand this; i don't understand anything any more.
and it sure as hell pisses me off.

it doesn't help that people keep coming in and BOTHERING me.
what's wrong with SOLITUDE.
can i not stay in my room and NOT be bothered for ONE NIGHT?
apparently, it's not possible.
every 20 mins, i have someone coming in to 'check on me' or ask for somthing.
AM I TWO F**KING YEARS OLD?
i can do things myself, thank you very much.
damn it.
i have a mountain load of work ahead of me;
i have to complete it by tomorrow.i'm feeling pissed as hell,
don't wanna do shit,
and it's already 11.

DAMN IT.

and it's racial harmony day tomorrow.
it's supposed to be a joyous event.
i'm supposed to be HAPPY damnit.
probably gonna be sleep deprived this evening,
end up slcaking my time away and going to school with hell to pay for that.
what the hell is wrong with me?!

damn it.
random rant.

it's better out, than it.

some people..
hmmm.
it's sad when we don't know when it's time for us to move on;
from where we are, from the people we know.
sometimes, we're so helpless against their wills.
we don't know what they truly want,
we don't know how they think.
it's frustrating, really.
and TRUST.
always an issue, no?
sometimes, we don't know where to put it
and that in turn hurts us more than not giving it away.

starnge things, we humans do.

at least i've moved on from you.
yet, not a backward glance have you thrown...

some thins in life are for that best.
we just need to have faith that everything will be fine,
at the end of the day.

2006-07-14T21:41:00.000+08:00

Have you ever felt helpless?
you know so many things,
you know that something HAS to be done..
and you can't do it yourself.
don't you just hate that powerless feeling?
no control, nothing you can do.

you're floudering hopelessly in an ocean of doubts,
of 'what if's.
you're trapped in a nightmare, of the past.
you somehow know that this seems familiar..
and you hate that feeling.
you never wanna turn back,
but circumstance finds you doing just that.

you're forced to look at your demons head on,
on eye level with.
you don't want to blink, for fear that something could happen.
the strain in burning your eyes.
the tears are forming.
you're scared, you pray fervently..
then, you close them.
perhaps, by faith, nothing bad will happen.
perhaps, everyone will be okay, just like they were.
perhaps, everything will go back to borning, mundane, normalacy.

everything, you know.
or so you think.
you worry, for fear that something REALLY bad will happen.
that the someone you're worried for won't be able to get up again.
you wish, SO BADLY to help.
but, you know you can't.
some battles have to be fought by yourself.
and it's especially during these periods that you worry.
trust, faith?
these challenges are what test them, no?
..then, why am i afraid of the test?
fear that i won't be resolute in my belief in the person in question?
fear that faith won't pull us through?
..or fear that i won't be strong enough for her, when the time calls for me to be?
i hate waiting.i hate guessing.
but that IS part of life.
something God put there to anchor our trust in Him.
to show us that faith is really all you need.

you know you're supposed to have faith.
you know you don't need to worry.
yet, you do.
you life your eyes, even if it's just a little,
to confirm what's NOT there.
reassures, you look back down at your tasks;
tehn you feel a stab of guilt.
you chose to deny faith, belief.
you weren't strong enough to hold onto them.
'why am i so weak?'
you grit your teeth, turn around and walk away;
but not before turning back to stare at the face of a traitor.
vacant eyes, gaunt features.
and shame, from everything you could've done..
but didn't

faith is not for the weak;
for faith is what pulls the strong along,
even when they FEEL weak.

2006-07-12T20:22:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDA TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO DADDY...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!(:

GRACE DADDY is FINALLY 16! :D
finally LEGAL for nc16 movies, and what have you ;)
Grace, if you're reading this,
ACT SIXTEEN! and talk to mummy...
and grow taller, be less annoying, be less high and dsigusting..
(x haha, but BE HAPPY, daddy(:

It's so fast, how time flies.
GOSH, it's the THIRD week already.
no one's hiding the fact that we only have SIX WEEKS LEFT before prelims start..
and getting our prelim time table yesterday didn't help.
ohsonice 4i has put the day-coutdown to the prelims,
so we're essentially staring at our doom EVERYDAY. T.T
avoidance, is follish, yes;
but ignorance is always bliss. (:
heh.if life didn't have to speed up so fast,
if only we didn't have to grow up.

maybe that way, life would be alot easier.
just the dreams of running around,
laughing ourselves giddy.
maybe friends, family once in a while.
mmh, that would be nice.
i can't help but think
'what IS after this?'
after all, we DID grow till 16 from zero.
and at this age, we SEE ageing.
we SEE what could happen.
i can almost see it now;
get into jc, uni..get a job.
get married.have kids.
grow old.die.
hmmm. where's the fun in that?
i guess it's IN the process of growing up...
but, sometimes i can't bear to.
kinda sad, really;
the mroe you grow, the more you have to face life.
you can't run any more.
not like when you were young and tiny.

tch.such depressing thoughts.
and i don't even know what i'm doing here.
ironic, really;
i keep COMPLAINING about HOW SLACK i am..
yet i appear online for hours on end, reading.
so, i should just SHUT IT and blog.NICELY.
then, kill self with work later.

note to self: intensify work load so as to avoid guilt later.

THERE HAVE BEEN NO MORE SPIDERS!!!
MWAHAHAHAH!!!(: (:
haha, i think they've all moved to T-melia's table.
poor girl.now she has to be the one screaming like an idiot during lesson...
and i realise, we've been quite mean.
say it once, and not again?
HMMM.once more, tata?(x (KHONG..you've still got to do it x))
other than that, school's been quite monotonous.
teachers intensifying the lessons,
more worksheets,
the completion of subject syllbuses.
T.T it's scary, really.

OHWELL.
the world cup's DONE!
cannavaro's cute, poor france and zidane.
i wonder what materazzi said to him, for real.
HMMM.

OFF TO INDULGENCE!(:
solace in the things that are not real...

2006-07-01T00:10:00.000+08:00

And so, a week has passed.
WEEK ONE HAS ENDED.
kinda scary, huh?
how time passes by so quicly.
haha.time has made that phrase cliche now.
we have EIGHT more weeks before prelims start in week TEN.
well, then.

adjustment;
is that what we all need now?
adjustment to a faster pace?
to a more pressing need to DO something,
rather than just be idle?
hmmm.
whatever happened to good old STONING. (or, meditating x) )
sigh.time for a reality chack;
time to face facts;
i want time,
i've got some.
no more asking for more than what i can't get.

i have a nice table partner(:
CACAT recess companions(:
and i keep laughing my head off cos of them.
it's all good(:
now, if only it can stay this way..
all the way through to week ten(:
oh and i ABHOR spiders.
TWO freaking spiders ATTACKED me yesterday.
they think i don't know bout their plan for WORLD DOMINATION!
'kill this weakling first (insert malicious laughter),
we'll slay the rest later..'
HAHA!but i KNOW.
i knew it was all a grand scheme to embarrass me during english!
i know fishy when i see it;
a brown JUIMPING spider
and a spider with only FOUR legs (which can fly by the way).
HAH!they think they're SO SMART.but i saw through it all!
be gone, dreadful spiders!
or i'll have to find some arachni-cides!
*beams menacingly/crazily at the (invisible) spiders*

other than that,
more random acts of cacat-ness include:
1) that very ENLIGHTENING talk in the canteen x)
[ahem, highly informative x)]
2) watching sumi and khong try to stuff ice down each other's shirts.
then, turning round and stuffing it down daddy's x)
hmm.this is bad.i can't remember any more.
i'm sure there are though;
with people from fourI,
cacat-ness is normal x)

WOOHOO!
more prayer sessions next week.
we need discipline. ):
6 more days...

2006-06-27T21:02:00.000+08:00

So many things i wanna do.
so many trhings i SHOULD.
the term has started;
we only have 9 weeks left.
NINE WEEKS.
and i STILL can't get myslef to do the things i should.

it's so hard, fighting against yourself.
i think i'm becoming schizophrenic.
the constant bickering between the two halves of me.
and i yield, to pleasure,
rather than work.
everyone's picking up their paces.
and i'm still stuck in this gutter.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?
more work, more focues, more determination.
less distractions, less paranoia.
there's only ONE way to go now;
so why am i still looking for alternatives?
is this human nature?
to fight against the things you're SUPPOSED to do?
so little time!!!
and i'm still thinking bout crap like this.
the june hols have gone to waste, then;
cos i still don't know the things i SHOULD.

i can't believe i've forgtten how to 'self motivate'.
and NOW, of all times.
what INCREDIBLE timing.
i'm fed up with myself.

then again, so what, right?
i should STOP pissing and moaning,
and get down to it already, right?
WELL, THEN.
someone slap me, shut me up and get me to work,
please.

this is hopeless.

2006-06-26T15:13:00.000+08:00

Simple Plan.Promise
Breakdown
I can't take this
I need somewhere to go
I need you
I'm so restless
I don't know what to do

We've had our rough times
Fighting all night
And now you're just slipping away

Give me this chance
To make the wrongs right,to say
Don't don't don't walk away

I promise
I won't let you down
If you take my hand tonight
I promise
We'll be just fine this time
If you take my hand tonight
If you take my hand tonight

Without you I go through the motions
Without you it's just not quite the same
Without you I don't want to go out
I just wanted to say

That I'm sick of these fights
I'll let you be right
If it stops you from running away

So give me this chance
To make the wrongs right, to say
Don't don't don't walk away

I promise
I won't let you down
If you take my hand tonight
I promise
We'll be just fine this time
If you take my hand tonight

hmmm.i like.(:
represents hope, even after things have happened..

2006-06-22T13:20:00.000+08:00

LET'S SEE.
4 days to the end of the June hols.
then again, it wasn't really a holiday, was it?
i didn't even realise time flying by so quickly.
i've got a mountain of homework left to go
(CHINESE KILLS!! T.T)
and stuff i wanna do,
(BLEACH IS INTERESTING! x) )
but there's too little time.

BAH.

i can't wait for the dec hols.
that's what everybody says anyway..
ooh, we must WORK HARD NOW.
we'll have A WHOLE MONTH TO WASTE AWAY.
5 months, and we'll be done with the past 4 years of education.
mmh, interesting.
time flies by SO QUICKLY.
if one month's passed without much of my knowing,
i wonder how fast 5 months will fly by.
ok, granted..
we have a term full of STRESS and WORK ahead of us,
plus TWO MAJOR EXAMS to go.
hmmm.i wonder.

it's so hard to do the things you should,
when they differ from the things you want to do.
no wonder people say it's easier if you actually LIKE studying.
maybe we should study 'studying' first,
before actually staudying.
maybe THAT way,
we'll multiply our time.

God, it's only 5 more months.
please sustain us till then.
we're nothing without Your strength;
lend it to us, for this last leg of the race...

2006-06-11T22:14:00.000+08:00

We're usually supposed to do things we don't.
and when we do, it turns out that we don't really need to do them at all.
sometimes, we wish that we had known better,
calculated the odds better;
maybe then, we wouldn't be so stupid.
but the thing is, we are.
and even till we die,
we'll continue making stupid mistakes we regret later.

equivalent trade;
hmmm.i guess the world REALLY idn't fair.
even if you present something of equal worth,
you might not get what you want in the end.
some people get what they want,
some people don't.
yet, in some way or another,
all of us put in the same effort.
maybe our rewards aren't the ones we wish to get,
but maybe something we'll learn to appreciate in time.
who knows?
only God knows,
and only time will tell..

I LOVE FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST!(:
i know i shouldn't be addicted to anime now;
ESPECIALLY not THIS time of the year.
time to get serious and done some REAL work.

i wonder when we can get a hold of the movie...

i guess i'll never learn. xP

2006-06-03T12:13:00.000+08:00

OKAY, i'm supposed to be STUDYING.
i was supposed to be STUDYING for the WHOLE of today.
but NO, i HAD TO succumb to the tempation of GOING OUT and usng this (stupid) COMPUTER.
then again, i only HAVE MYSELF TO BLAME.
so why am i COMPLAINING?

hmmm.i hate this shit.
shermaine, FOCUS; it's ONLY 6 months.
6 months to a final war cry.
6 months to a possible dream come true.
6 months to a..better future?
how quickly time SLIPS AWAY..
it's scary;
a WEEK (a friggin' WEEK) has gone past.
WHAT THE HELL AM I STILL DOING?
i think i'm going crazy. T.T

God, help me.
i commit all to you.

so many tragedies lately..
someone..err..passed away.
my maid's sis is in the philippines suffering with acute pneumonia.
their family's financial burden is grownig and there's only so much we can do.
her sister's condition is STILL deteriorating.
and her baby just turned one month old.
then, i wonder
'when did life become so frail?'
it's sad --life is SO SHORT.
everyone has to die one day.
we spend half our lives chasing dreams,
and the other half regretting the thigns we didn't do whilst we still could.
how tragic.
ultimately, it's about HOW you live your life, ain't it?
the things you do to impact others;
the decisions you make to implicate others.

i wonder how many people will be by my death bed.

we try, as far as possible, to live by our beliefs;
to live our dreams, while sill in contact with reality.
we TRY to gain as much respect as possible,
hoping people will remember us for who we are,
and what we stand for.
so HOW do you live?

that's a question that will take time, patience, love and experience to answer.

'Even in madness, I know you still believe
Paint me your canvas so I become
What you could never be

I dare you to tell me to walk through the fire
Brand my soul and call me a liar
I dare you to tell me to walk through the fire
I dare you to tell me
I dare you to..'
--I dare you.Shinedown.

2006-06-01T21:52:00.000+08:00

Some times, things happen.
we don't understand why, we don't understand how,
but they happen anyway.
and at the end of the day it ian't bout what happens,
or even what implications are caused,
but HOW we move on from there.

stay strong, shin wei.
we'll be here for you, if you EVER need us.
and dhilshad, i love you too(:

Psalm 23:
"The Lord is my sheperd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You annoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever"

Always...

and as for this week,
words to describe would be..
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
x) haha, things happen when you're studying in school,
with a bunch of people who dare to do weird things. x)
perhaps, AGAIN? x)
phys lessons have FINALLY become interesting.
i actually UNDERSTOOD and LEARNED.
i'm sure most of 4i would share my sentiment. x)
2 days of "STUDY CAMP" with weird in-between activities x)
"I luRbbE euUxZ wORzX"
sining told me sthg funny.
i wonder what would happen if we played the same game,
in the same premise.
it'd be HILARIOUS.
..sadly, no one has the time anymore. ):

i miss the (crazy and cacat) leaders ):
CAN WE HAVE A LEADERS' OUTING?
(dareordoubledare? x))

HMMM.
it's gonna be one LONG holiday.
then again, the first weeks has already gone past.
it's amazing how time flies.
i'm still in shock.
someone SLAP me.

WAKE ME UP.
i'msuchapig.

ROUND pigs are cute.
INDEED x)
and if we're BOTH pigs... x)

2006-05-28T16:08:00.000+08:00

Ronin.One more moment.
Don't take too long to say
"I love you" to the ones you love,
cause time has a habit of slipping away

Out on a clear blue sky,
when lighting strikes on a sunny day,
just take me in and keep me from the rain,

And the words that seem so hard to say,
come out when you've gone away,
stay a little while and hear me say,

That I want you here tonight,
and I need you by my side,
for just one more moment,
for just one more moment with you

Turn around to say goodbye,
with each and every word that passes by,
like a distant memory,
and time keeps slipping away,
and time will turn to grey,
and time will be the one who holds you down,

And the words that seem so hard to say,
come out when you've gone away,
stay a little while and hear me say,

That I want you here tonight,
and I need you by my side,
for just one more moment,
for just one more moment,

And I want you by my side,
and I need you here tonight,
for just one more moment,
for just one more moment with you

Sometimes time will treat you bad,
Before you even know what's wrong,
and in the end it hits you hard,
please tell me you'll be strong

..i wonder if the world ended tmr,
how many people in the world would say 'i love you' to someone else and really mean it.

2006-05-27T11:24:00.000+08:00

And SO IT ENDS.
one semester has FLOWN past.
i can't believe it;
HALF A YEAR has just gone past.
it's amazaing how i never really FELT it.
it was almost as if we were living day to day,
not really KNOWING how much time had passed.
settling down, OAC 06, LI 06..
and before we knew it,
the MYEs had come and gone.
gosh, this year passed so quickly.
never expected it to be so...

I guess this leaves even less room for contemplation and regret.
the last 6 months should be spent in ENTIRE contentment,
never looking back, but anticipating what's to come.
sure, things have happened;
relationships change, RESULTS came.
but through it all, good things happened.
we were forced to leave some things behind,
and to take up some things.
it's all good, though; it's all good.
to live in the moment;
one of the easiest things to say,
but one of the most difficult to accomplish.
i think it's in our nature to be paranoid,
but how much till that paranoia consumes us?
we keep worrying but the future, bout the past.
so, when do we LIVE FOR THE PRESENT?
to stop worrying, seems to be the answer.
but it's almost impossible to.
isn't it?

ONE MONTH.JUNE 2006.
our last chance to make up for everything.
we're told to STUDY HARD.
who wouldn't want an L1R5 of 6?
everyone does.
it's a matter of HOW MUCH you want it.
i believe by being in cedar,
all of us already have that inherant ability to get what we WANT.
the teachers tell us so, too.
now, we just have to do it.
things have always been easier said than done,
but they were never impossible.
WORK yes.we have to WORK for it.
there must surely be some truth to the saying
'you reap what you sow'
if people have been quoting it for so long(:

so to all those disheartned by their results..
JIAYOU!(:
it ain't impossible.
WE've just gotta WORK FOR IT.
and i know, that throughout that JOURNEY,
there will be friends cheering us on,
dragging us to be where we should be.
yep, it's usually the destination that counts,
BUT it's the journey that makes everything worthwhile(:

it's not about what you GET,
but the person you become even if you don't get it.
i can't quote that,
but it was inspired by what someone...wrote.
haha, i guess it's true.
it takes a big person to say that,
and a bigger person to believe that.
so, to...
i wish the best of everything.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
friend of 4 years
and
closer friend of barely 2 months.

2006-05-22T23:00:00.000+08:00

The past 2 weeks have been ABLSOLUTE heaven.
no exams, no stress.
good company, plenty of fun and laughs.
I'M NOT COMPLAINING!
haha, we're told to LIVE IN THE MOMENT.
CARPE DIEM!SEIZE THE DAY!
haha, so we will.
what's the point in life, if we don't? x)

"Oh I know that the music's fine
Like sparklin' wine, go and have your fun
Laugh and sing, but while we're apart
Don't give your heart to anyone
But don't forget who's takin' you home
And in whose arms you're gonna be
So darlin' save the last dance for me"
--Michael Buble.Save the last dance for me.

Put on them dancing shoes and dance the night away
haha, if we could moment forever,
i'd freeze time now.
the past makes us who we are,
the present defines us.
YEAH MAN.
just a few more days of relaxation.
then, it's back to work.
but WHO CARES.
nothing is free from work.
better to make use of BREAKS.

210506-
WENT TO THE BEACH WITH MY PUBCOMM!!(: (:
haha, got drenched while cycling.
HAHA, but we continued anyway.
THANK GOD for such FINE weather(:
the first pucommm outing in 5 months and it was PERFECT(:
more good memories with the pubcomm(:
rachael hong and deborah lam;
thank you.

190506-
CROSS COUNTRY!
yay!got top 100.haha.
expected to get ALOT less.so, i'm HAPPY(:
(and someone finally passed something she owed me for 1month and 6days? x) THANKYOU)
WENT OUT FOR THE HOT anniversary! :D
haha, we're two this year? x)
8 of us-sarah, grace, vi, ziyan, dolly, jazzy, ahu and i.
MAD time at seoul garden.
laughing, taking pics, watching some people behave INAPPROPRIATELY x)
haha, it was fun(:
then we went SHOPPING.
goodness, we were so tired after that x)
so we bought a movie (walk the line)and sarah, grace, vi and jazzy came over to watch it.
ended up watching ella enchanted instead x)
haha, but it was worth it(:
FULL HOT outing soon, perhaps?(:
i'm HOPING! *crosses fingers*

hmm.speaking of HOT outings,
when can we have another leaders' one? x)
HEHEH.i miss the kitchen dept.. ):

the rest of the days have been spent slacking/wasting away.
haha.better now than never, hmmm?
5 more days..5 more.
to the end of something,
and the beginning of another(:

2006-05-16T22:15:00.000+08:00

'..i'm so used to living under the surface.

And i walk on water,
and you will catch me if i fall.
and i will get lost into your eyes.
And everything will be alright.'
-Lifehouse.Storm.

And so, the good week ends.
RESULTS BACK THIS WEEK.
did terribly for chem, bio and ss/geog.
well, what's a person to do?
you put in EFFORT,
yet you don't see RESULTS.
life's funny that way;
you never really reap what you sow.
most irritating thing is that this time ain't the first.

4/i's a freaky class.
first in what, 4 subjects and 1 elective?
hmmm, and we were the 'just made it' class..

we're supposed to start STUDYING again, this week.
sometimes, i seriously don't see the point-
you SLOG it out for ONE exams,
only to get SHIT results.
then we're expected to GO BACK again.
it's probably not any of the teachers' faults,
but it still can't be helped if we do badly and feel bad.

this SHOULD be a trivial matter.
this SHOULD be a small set back.
then again, when have we ever done what SHOULD be done?
we rebel against everything we're MADE to be.
who's to say things are ever gonna be 'normal'?
MID YEARS DON'T COUNT.
that's a fact.
but SO WHAT?
it scared ME shitless.
i wonder what's gonna happen if our L1R5s all looked bad for prelims.
i can't say EVERYONE did badly for midyears,
but i think it's safe to say most of us did.

some overcame.
some backslid.
some stayed stagnant.

you run; you run your hardest.
you see that you're ahead;
then, like a sudden downpour,
you're chasing people's dust clouds.
and all you're left with is mud,
the rain and blurry vision.
should it decide to pour in the prelims..
will we remain a cut above the rest?
..or left to slow down in mud?

it doesn't matter.
it DOESN'T matter.

so why does it still eat me?

2006-05-14T01:21:00.000+08:00

To the most awesome people in the world-
THANK YOU,
for making may 12th and 13th absolutely THE BEST.
the SWEETEST birthday;
much less sixteenth birthday, hmmm?
haha, thanks people.
y'all know who you are :D

..it doesn't happen,
till it happens in your heart.

WELL.
i'll remmeber this.
'cos it HAPPENED.
in a big way(:

The HOTfamily, 3/i-4/i 05-06.
thank you...
and to all those who remembered(:
thanks loads(:

i'm SIXteen.
HAH.that's funny.

2006-05-08T22:21:00.000+08:00

THEY ARE OVER!
YES!!!!FINALLY OVER!
the MYEs of 2006 are FINALLY OVER!
goodness knows what a nerve wrecjign week that was;
the late night mugging and early morning STUDYING.
not to mention the wake up CALL ;)
MEMORIES that'll surely repeat with the prelims and Os.
WE HAVE A WEEK OFF FROM SCHOOL!(:
such a blessing(:
haha, now to PLAY HARD.
(before the MINDLESS studying starts again T.T)

WE WENT CRAZY AFTER THE PHYSICS PAPER!
screaming answers in the canteen!
then running after a certain MUTHU BOY (and being dao-ed) in the FOYER.
or, the indecisiveness in deciding WHAT TO DO x)
or WHERE AND WHAT TO EAT! x)
so, we finally decided on pizza hut in ps.
discussed POLITICS! 0.0 and SMELLY CHEESE! x)
haha, then we decided to go down to the new cine cinema..
HURHUR.LONG WALK!
and watched "when a stranger calls"!!
haha, the six of us (jing, daddy, tata, khong, sining and i)
sat in the lovers seats.
TSK! xx) but it was really funny seeing jing SCREAMING,
or tata and khong screaming prematurely and sinking in their seats.
OR ALL six of us using our jackets and covering our faces till our noses.
HAHA.but the movie was SHOCKING man.
and poor girl; became psycho after the whole thing.
SIGH.oh well..
lessons learnt:
1)NEVER BABY SIT IN A SECLUDED HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF NO WHERE EVEN THOUGH THE HOUSE LOOKS DARN NICE AND EVEN HAS A POND IN IT.
2)do not be stupid and ask your friend to leave when it's raining/stroming.
3)ALWAYS stay with the maid; she might die.
4)HIDE the kids in a trunk and tuck all bits of cloth into the trunk.
5)do not have weird ceilings which can hide people.

WOOHOO!/then we went to take very LiAnXz NeoPRintSZ!
haha, we're such deprived beings x)
BUT, better now than never x)
(can't believe we're in sec 4 already) ):
haha, then we WINDOW SHOPPED!
and went to have CHEESECAKE at nydc(:
haha, played caiquan and kena-ed twice.
the concoction was DISGUSTING!!! :S
ECK.haha.

woohoo, SENTOSA TMR!(:

i can't believe the work as to REASTART soon.
it's ridiculous.

oh well.
all in stride x)

2006-04-30T20:45:00.000+08:00

I'm not supposed to be here blogging..
but i just couldn't resist after reading..
SOMETHING.

It's sad how friendships disintegrate with the passing of time.
WHY DO THEY?..i wonder.
is it because one party couldn't care less?
is it because BOTH parties can't be bothered?
especially ones which have lasted so long..
why now, why EVER?
some questions weren't meant to be answered, i guess.
i want so badly to shake those people who couldn't care less;
do they see how much their HURTING their old friends?
unless, of course, they no longer mean anything.
but, i doubt after so long, it wouldn't mean anything to them.
perhaps, they really ARE that heartless.
THEY'VE MOVED ON!
gotten new friends, gotten new BEST friends.
and now, what's to become of the one they 'forgot'?
'old friends are gold' INDEED.
that's quite a DEAD fact now, isn't it?
like rag dolls, we're thrown aside to fester with the RUBBISH.
is THAT what we mean to all those who have 'MOVED ON'?
RUBBISH?!mean to FESTER?!
HAHA.how funny.
i think they've forgotten we're human too.

it's the most un-Godly thing to do,
but HOW I WISH I COULD SEE REVENGE BEING EXACTED.
i wonder what would happen if the tables were turned,
the roles were reversed.
would THEY be saying the same things we are?
would they even CARE?
walk on, always walk on.
walkING on.
it's heart breaking to know, much less FEEL and SEE.
but reality is..
i see more and more people being hurt by these 'OLD FRIENDS'.
to identify or sympathize with?
HAH.such a real concept.such real situations..
yet we've all but forgotten there are other going through the same things.
we think we are ALONE.

that's the saddest thing;
thinking you're ALONE.
cos in truth, we never are.
only, we need to open up out EYES and our HEARTS to see,
to FEEL.
sometimes, wounds heal best when you rub salt into them.
perhaps, we are the salt to each other's wounds;
to pick each other up, reopen the old wounds and walk on..
TOGETHER.

hey pigg, if you ever read this...
you're not alone.
i just wanted you to know that though WE haven't seen you in AGES,
we still MISS YOU, TERRIBLY.
one day, babe..one day.
all three of us will go out again,
like LAST YEAR and laugh ourselves SILLY.
GELARE!and keep all the receipts for a certain SOMEONE to refund us..
haha, or walk around randomly again.
i know we'll never be able to turn back time,
but we can pick up the pieces and form new memories again.
we've never forgotten you, dear.
it took us so long to accept the fact that we didn't see you around any more..
you can ask the BLUR ONE.
countless conversations, countless discussions.
we've NEVER forgotten.

if you can find it in you..
let us back in, darl.

LOVE YOU, DEAR!

2006-04-20T23:32:00.000+08:00

"Everyone is changing,
there's no one left that's real;
to make up your own ending,
and let me know just how you feel.
Cause I am lost without you,
I cannot live at all;
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl..."
--puddle of mudd.blurry.

HMMM.school life's speeding up again.
tests, HOMEWORK, revision..
THE MID YEAR EXAMS.
that VERY thought is depressing.
and it isn't comforting to know that it's going to be
ESPCIALLY TOUGH.
then again, better now then during the Os i guess.
the self EXPECTAIONS are suffocating,
the stress is building.
it's a wonder the busier people haven't exploded.

WHY were we CURSED with such ********??
take it in stride? RIGHT.

FRIENDSHIP.
brings the greatest pleasures and the deepest pains.
the ULTIMATE double-edged sword.
one minute you're high, the next, you've hit rock bottom.
you'll never know; you could never guess.
it's disturbing to a certain extent,
but sucess comes to those who risk.
applies to every aspect of life, i guess.
we take a chance with certain people,
hoping that they would take that same chance with us.

sometimes, it ends badle, and people get hurt.
most choose to leave it and move one,
others cannot leave.
it's most heart breaking to know that they WILL themselves not to leave.
is it delusion to think that some situations are salvagable?
is it stupidty to wait for oppotunity to walk past again?
these things we'll never really know;
cos after waiting, we are blinded to such opporunitues,
and give up our only chances of 'making things better'.

then, there are the happy times-
times of laughter, times we happily reminisce.
we smile in reflection,
WE FEEL LIBERATED.
and somehow, we'll never forget.
cynics see it as life's most cruel joke;
to have happiness, but lose it all one day.
who's to know if happiness is eternal?
better to live in the moment,
than to worry about eternity.
'better to have loved and lost,
than to have not loved at all'.

Then, we think about LOVE.
what does it mean?
can it be described?
a feeling; that's what it is.
and i guess, we can search for all eternity long,
to find no such definition.
we SEE it, in daily actions, WORDS.
and we are to wrapped up in it,
we take it for granted.

it's sad that God's greatest gift to the world is wasted, in that way.

OH WELL.
back to the books, i guess.
goodness, life is MONOTONOUS.
i await the 16th of November 2006(:

FREEDOM!

2006-04-09T20:52:00.000+08:00

Default.Wasting my time
Months went by with us pretending
When did our light turn from green to red
I took a chance and left you standing
Lost the will to do this once again

Well this is not for real, afraid to feel
I just hit the floor, don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time, I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling, there is no reason
Just make the call, and take it all

Papa Roach.Scars
Tear my heart open, i sew myself shut
My weakness is, i care too much
And my scars remind me,
that the past is REAL.
I tear my heart open, just to feel.

Michelle Branch.Everywhere
Turn it inside out so I can see
The part of you that's drifting over me
And when I wake you're never there
But when I sleep you're everywhere
You're everywhere

Westlife.If I let you go
I'm too shy to ask
I'm too proud to lose
but sooner or later I've gotta choose
and once again
I'm thinkin' about taking the easy way out

Michelle branch.All you wanted
I wanted to be like you
I wanted everything
So I tried to be like you
And I got swept away

I didn't know that it was so cold
And you needed someone
to show you the way
So I took your hand and we figured out
That when the time comes
I'd take you away

If you want to
I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted
was somebody who cares

It's funny how songs you used to listen to still mean so much NOW.
it's funny how you can see the same situations repeating itself.
it's funny how in retrospect,
nothing else could be done.

It's funniest when we wish we could do it go back and do it right.

2006-04-07T22:54:00.000+08:00

GUIDES CAMPFIRE 2006.
it was nice(:
everything came together nicely, i think(:
good job, y'all.

something someone told me caused me to think.
did i ever mean anything to YOU?
what was i EVER to you?
there's always been this ONE question i wanted to ask;
but now, after everything..
how can i ask it again?
the stupid things i did, the foolish things i said.
i could apologise a thousand times over,
but it wouldn't be enough.

in retrospect,
i couldn't be more stupid.
so now, i pay the price.

WHY WON'T YOU JUST TALK TO ME?

2006-04-04T21:09:00.000+08:00

Time passes.
people change.
it's comforting to know some remain the same.
situations may change, company might vary;
but at the end of the day,
there are some who never really morph with time.
those people are blessings,
and even more so,
if we can still complement each other like we used to.

i feel blessed.

theHOTfamily.
3i 05/4i 06
CPB.
instructors 05/OALs 06.

God, forgive me.
i've strayed so far.
draw me close to You, one again..

2006-04-02T01:10:00.000+08:00

PP macs; forever and always, huh?
the leaders spent FOUR hours talking,
laughing, confessing.
it was all good.
i'll miss the OALs.
we should do it agian, some time(:
(perhaps, we'll actually go to MAC NET? (: )

mmh.went out to pp koptiam with wanping, yusin, belle, arica and sarah too.
talked, exahnged STORIES.
laughed, fell prey to an April fools' joke
(i'm gonna get you ONE DAY, FAIZAH)
and picked up on SCANDALS. (diandiandian! ;) )

we don't always get what we wish for.
but for those that do come true...
we don't always treasure.

'let's pretend that i've moved on and that life goes on without YOU.'

2006-03-31T23:42:00.000+08:00

Have you ever been there;
in a place where you regret everything you've done,
everything you've said?
when memories flash by,
reminding you of the person you could've been,
but not are?

Have you ever been there;
in a place of no consequence,
where things move monotonously?
when you can't tell the past from the present,
confused about everything that lies behind,
in front, or BEFORE you?

Have you ever been there;
in a place where you see the possible future,
and what you would do, in time to come?
have you ever been afriad of teh thigns you MIGHT do,
have you ever feared the reoccurance of a mistake,
espcially a big one?

Sometimes, i don't know where i am.
sometimes, i don't know WHO i am.
the scariest thing is that sometimes,
we don't bother.
i'm losing sight of the things before me,
i don't know what i'm supposed to do NOW.
lost meanings, blurred lines.
how can we exist without purpose?

are we living, or merely existing?
sometimes, i wonder.

someone just told me to 'not be too afraid'.
it's comical how that applies to every aspect of life.
we lose, we gain.
at teh end of the day,
will THEY stay?

sometimes, i wonder.

2006-03-28T21:01:00.000+08:00

That quiet desperation;
a plea for help, perhaps.
trapped, alone, smothered.
there is seemingly no way out.
so many things lie ahead,
and there IS only one road to take.
you had come so far...
to give it all up now?

sometimes, i'd like to think ignoreance was bliss;
that expectation never really befell the ignorant.
they were blissfully unaware of what the society expected,
of what others expected.
perhaps, then, they didn't have any presonal expectations.
nothing to mould their future, nothing to shape their thoughts.
isn't that a scary thought;
not to have any backing, not to have skeletal beliefs.
what does it mean to live, when you're ignorant?
would we rather be 'blissful', then?

sometimes, the choices we make lead us to more choices;
innumerable number of roads to walk down,
countless decisions to make.
yet, at each and every crossroad we come to,
sensations are different; predicaments are different.
can we trust TRENDS, then?
the superstitious believe in a certain trend that governs all else;
that a particular action would DEFINITELY lead to a particular outcome.
no wonder there are the sceptics;
nothing's ever the same.

life then, life now;
if they were meant to be different?
why do they feel the same?
that monotony, the feeling we're PULLED along to SOMEWHERE.
we are expected to 'perform' this year.
expected by society?expected by self?
WHICH IS WORSE?
i guess we all some to a point where we no longer know who's expectations we're living up to.
after all, society shapes who we are,
and what we expect of ourselves.
BUT, humans can only take SO much.
when do we crack, when do we burst?
i don't want to see the day,
yet, i have a feeling it's inevitable.

strange, isn't it;
that we're all supposedly 'unique',
but at the end of the day,
we only have personal betterment in mind.
the process of getting there, eh?
perhaps, just perhaps...

daunting.
yet, exciting.
caught in the limbo between anxiety and anticipation,
and i finally realise that the line has been blurred.
then again, who am i to judge?
so many before me, so many among us;
all equally if noe MORE talented.
who am i to feel such pressure?

i wonder when i'll ever be as good as the rest.
perhaps, never.
then again, only we can live for ourselves.
so why bother about the rest?

GAH.i think schizophrenia's inborn.
it's how much you show it that determines whether or not you're a nut case.

2006-03-26T23:24:00.000+08:00

Just had another random phone call.
i wonder if we'll leave an impact when we leave,
the way our seniors impacted us..

GOOD LUCK IN AJ!

2006-03-25T10:20:00.000+08:00

Leaders' Investiture 2006.
it was great!(:
all the committess, the commitment, the HARD WORK.
everything paid off yesterday.
the feedback waa good, we felt great.
what more could we have asked for?
to think it was our last investiture...

DECO COMM:
Y'ALL ROCK MY SOCKS OFF!
everything we did together-
the PAINTING, the SQUISHY PAINT, the STYROFOAM, the RETARDED BANNER PAINTING, the GLITTER, the BALLS (christmas and PINK AND GREEN ones), the CLOTH, the RIBBONS, the WORDS, the CELLOPHANE.
everything looked great yesterday.(:
thanks to all those who helped out(:
evelyn and i went back into the MPH to take photos of ALL the deco put up..
so, expect to see the pics soon!(:
deco comm 06 rocks!

IT COMM:
GOSH.the ones who work the latest.
all yopur lat night [aid off!
the videos were GREAT!(: (:
all of you DESERVE A BREAK.
SLEEP MORE!
thanks, IT comm, for the times we bummed at belle's house too.
a few more for the memories!(:

THE REST OF THE COMMS:
thanks for everything!(:
it all came together very nicely yesterday(:
thanks for helping out with deco too(:

THE PLAY PEOPLE:
the numerous rehearsals, the constant editing of the script, EVERYTHING.
i'll miss EVERYTHING.
thank you DIRECTORS; i don't think we would've gotten into character as easily as we did, without them(:
thank you CHARACTERS!the line running, the nervous fits, the weird warm-ups, the AM CHIO-ING, the LAUGHING.haha, i enjoyed myself(: the characters were great!(: [jasna/PMthegreat;kelsey/#AG74;devika/SG#1/manyara)
thank you dancers!hahahaha, I LOVED THE DANCES!(: (:

SEC 4 PCs 06:
we'll continue to rock.
I had fun at swensens.
the spastic photo taking, the GOSSIPING (ohsocharmingzl!), the SLOW eating, the MESSY EATER, the salt and pepper drink, the ice cream we couldn't finish, the LAUGHING..the bonding.
another thing to remember the pcs by.
i can't believe it's all gonna end 8 months down the road.
take care, y'all..take care.

I'll miss the rehearsals.[eventhoughtheyweretimeconsuming,frustratingandheadache-causing]
All the times ***** did HIGH-KNEE LIFTS.
the very loud whispering.
the lunches after rehearsals.
the talking before/during/after the rehearsals.
the bumming at belle's house.
the gossiping.
the LAUGHING. [okay, so we laughed alot..]
EVERYTHING.

our best one yet,
our best one yet...

2006-03-19T18:32:00.000+08:00

THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
okay, maybe not yet, but they'll be in a few hours.
then again, when did they ever start?
WORK + INVEST REHEARSALS + DECOM COMM MEETINGS(a FEW of you rock(: ) = NO TIME FOR ANYTHING ELSE.
okay, maybe a few activitie.
but only a SLECET FEW.
sheesh.here are those which matter:
monday 13/3 -
invest rehearsal from 8 - 12-ish.
lunch with phy, khong and daddy.
EXAHNGED INFO.aherrmmm.
obsessions~!..haha, and the ohsoyummy CHICKEN RICE(:
tuesday 14/3 -
invest rehearsal from 8 - 1-ish.
sheesh; had a serious deco comm meeting (minues the EXTRAS) + smoothed out the kinks in the play/skit thingy. [reka + lilin + achala = great group of directors(: ]
planned to go out with the muthus, but ended up catching lunch with zhen luan, belle, TEH and arica at joo seng; WHILE waiting for our pizza.(muthus present: phy, khong, dhilshad)
bummed at belle's house while 1)watching the IT comm stress out 2)trying VERY HARD to finish out pizzas 3)watching the dvd of 19022005 [i miss the instructor days ): ): ] ARICA, TEH!no telling what you saw ;) 4)being VERY stalker-ish and gaining something :x 5)reminded of how close khong and i used to beand that we ARE childhood friends. hurhur. ~~6)getting stressed over deco stuff~~
i had a good time - reminiscing, bonding, and creating new memories.
some things just stick with you, even after tim has passed...
wednesday 15/3 -
went back to school for deco.
gosh, HOW EVELYN, ARICA AND I PANICKED!
not to mention, got pissed.
SIGH.some things never change...
thank goodness TEH came along to help and take pics :p
DHILSHAD came to help TIDY UP, when all of the WORK WAS DONE x)
went to get the qi1mao2mi2fen3 before going to belle's house for lunch.
SINING WAS THERE!(: (: haha, but she was sick ):
we watched the IT comm ppl slog it out again..poor things..
but the video came VERY NICELY together(: (:
arica and i TRIED to do some deco stuff, but failed miserably :p
THANKS TO SINING FOR THE HELP(:
haha, then the last half hr - 45mins were spent very narcisisstically taking photos,
but having a good laugh/time as well.
[ohsochio zhen luan with the specs atop her head!]
cabbed to tuition with zhen luan after.
thursday 16/3 -
final invest rehearsal for the hols.
met phy, tata and khong for bfast
(meeting pei chun and BALA there)
walked to school, then did work (in defiance) in the canteen.
joined the rest in the MPH at 11.
DID DECO STUFF TILL THE REHEARSAL STARTED.
the rehearsal was ok..with funny anecdotes throughout..
['what number can i call you at?']
then the PLAY VATTING.
sheesh.panic doesn't help anything.
changed the script quite a bit,
then went to sp macs with achala, amelia, dhilshad and novabelle.
HURHUR.nice meal.then OFF HOME~!
decided to ahve THE GOOD, LONG TALK THAT NIGHT.
nice.ahem, thanks.(:
[i'm positive my heart's liquid now :p ]
friday 17/3 -
woke up LATE, bummed around.
did almost NOTHING.
then got ready for tuition + the HOTdinner.
zhen luan looked like a GUY.
ohh well.the bubbly chocolate was nice~!(:
haha, the dinner was fun(: the CACAT bus ride there was very..
attention grabbing.
(ahem, 'thank goodness we aren't in school u.'?)
exhange of info = alot of laughing
catching up + a round of truth or dare + girly magazine reading = wishing the night would never end.
but, it did.sigh.SLEEP OVER, next time?
cabbed home with zhen luan and jazzy.
saturday 18/3 -
DID WORK.

yup, needless to say, it's been a pretty boring week.
sigh.

i'm still suffering from OAC withdrawal.
symptoms include: -
1.wishing for OAC days to return.
2.pining for milo and LEMON biscuits.
3.wanted to wash dishes.
4.eating as fast as humanly possible.
5.searching for a marker and masking tape to write one's name
6.looking around for *the muthus *the kitchen dept *other random leaders + instructors.
7.having obsessive compulsice disorder when sweeping.
8.suddenly jumping up, ready for a game of pepsi-cola.
9.wanting to sleep on the floor.
10.randomly plopping on the ground (cepat mati)

gosh.it's only been 2 weeks?
i wonder what will happen to us in 2 months..

i miss the chief, asst chiefs and leaders.
i miss the instructors.

2006-03-17T01:04:00.000+08:00

One, LONG conversation with a GOOD, OLD friend.
haha, so many things have happened;
but thank God, i was reminded of how good it felt to talk(:
thank you, scandalous OLD friend(:

and, ahem. *HEART MELTS!*(:

2006-03-11T21:26:00.000+08:00

It feels so weird to be home.
6 days changed so many things;
i wonder how i ever dreaded it.
everything about it was amazing, magical.
and now, i miss it badly.
VERY badly.
i'll miss the INTRUCTORS.
the good times the LEADERS had.
the random quotes from CHIEF and the ASST CHIEFS.
(even our kitchen brudders)
HAH.6 days, 5 nights - amazing.

day 1 - WOOHOO!!reached LAC.dumped stuff in dorms, went to do kitchen stuff.FINALLY GOT TO MEET SURIA.HAHA.right, so we were washing the beverage coolers and everything, getting used to our kitchen too.then, bin wei and i went for GATE DUTY.(: we sat, and talked..then dragged DHILSHAD THE ROCK and SURIA to join us(: we BONDED as a dept and HAD A GOOD TIME. (ahem, 'DOLLY PARTON' and the horny bees.the ambitions, the personal facts.[BLACK BELT SURIA].the dept pic...) THEN, DINNER.rushed, loud, busy.but we loved it anyway(: INAUGURAL DUMPING OF DINNER ON A PLATE AND EATING IT TOGETHER! record: 3mins.(: THEN, ASTRONOMY.WE SAW SATURN!and ORION'S BELT!and TAURUS AND SIRIUS!and MARS!(: haha, and of course, we had a good time crapping (BOMBING) etc(: too bad bin wei wasn't there ): ahh well.went back to LAC for debrief and NIGHT CAP (PEANUT BUTTER BISCUITS!LEMON BISCUITS!), then LEADERS/INTRUSTORS DEBRIEF.two words: thank goodness. MOVING ON..(: SENTRY!!!!(: (: aah.got the sucky 2am-4am slot, but thank goodness the company was relatively good(: i was with XIUQI, SURIA, KATHLEEN and BIRU.hah(: slack, sleepy, surprising(: but, it was all good(: [i was DARN surprised by what i saw SOMEONE doing at THREE AM IN T&HE MORNING!]

day 2 - i THINK we had tower(: ahem, KITCHEN took the INITIATIVE to refill PEOPLE'S WATER BOTTLES cos we KNOW that most suffered from dehydration last year..so, we had to change it, right?(: AND!!!we got to rule OAC, even if it was for 10 mins. (CHAN, MALI, CHAN, HOI HOI!) it was DARN fun(: dhilshad's funny.(: AND WE ABSEILED!!!(: (: i'll always remember how it felt like to go down the 'spiderman way'.THANK YOU, INSTRUCTOR IVAN! woohoo!then dhil climbed the ROCK WALL! bin wei came back to see it too! then a certain SOMEONE ran away when the LEADERS asked her to see dhil climbing.so sad ): OH WELL. :p haha, BUT DHILSHAD WAS GREAT!!(: (: lunch was rather uneventful, but we could see SOMEONE improving..and it was..good.we were happy(: HAH.then it was off to slacking at the first aid base i think(: I SLEPT!whoops. :p but it was good bonding time with the kitchen dept too.(: (i called someone using my pencil case!) then we received..disturbing..news.if any one of you read this, jiayou.it's over..and i think you guys did great(: 'truly, madly, deeply'; i really believe so.cyring's good for the mind, body and soul..so..(: i'm glad y'all did it(: and the kithen dept rocks.really.if dhil/bin wei reads this, I'LL BE HERE FOR YOU, ALWAYS!..remember day 2 night? 'i think i'm going to BOMB soon, i'm starting to FART already' - phy.haha(: the talking, the laughing(: the SENSUAL SOUNDS, courtesy of dhilshad, the AM chio-ing and everything in between.EVEN THE BRUISE RUBBING..(: you guys rock.then, NIGHT CAP!BATHING TIME!!(: the showing group!(phy, kitchen dept, tata..)and OFF TO BED!(: (no debrief!) had prayers with lilin, phy and cheryl too.(: God blessed this camp.i know it.WE know it.(: and that concludes day 2..(:

[part 2]
day 3 - CAMPFIRE PREP!FIRST ACT!haha, i was waking around with dhilshad initially, refilling and stuff before stopping by the COURTYARD.sining and i did something retarded.ahem!raisingourhandsuprandomlytoconfusetheinstructors (: (: wahoo!haha, and poor SOMEONE and SOMEONE2.cheer up both SOMEONEs!*writingonthehand..* then LUNCH!(: ahhh..SOMEONE was improving(: i THINK lunch was rushed too(: HMM.then we had, THE CRUISE.tsk!***** and other leaders were falling asleep!but it was so darn hot/sunny/windy.super nice la(: AND I GOT SLIGHTLY RED-ER COS I WAS SITTING IN THE FRONT!(: *looks pleased* anyway..kusu island was the same, as last year.only we saw the turtles alot more(: haha, siying and dolly were scaring the campers with their fake-fierce thing(: TSK!(: ahha, and the journey back to LAC was spent taking pics and trying to eavesdorp in the instructors' conversation x) ohh well.misson: unsuccessful.then again, we DID manage to find out random stuff bout a certain SOMEONE.lame ass, INDEED. :p haha, then it was BACK TO CAMP!dinner went on as usual(: but with certain complications.to our sun: IT AIN'T YOUR FAULT.and all of us agree that you did BRILLIANTLY(: *nods* (: then the kitchen dept decided to have a NICE, LONG, TALK(: ahh, yes.memories were dug up, things confornted; but it was all good(: i saw a side of my darling ROCK and STONE i never saw before..and it was conforting to know that they shared it(: kitchen ROCKS(: haha, then NIGHT CAP!(: MILO MAKING(: i love the way all four of us would crowd round that singular, PATHETIC water coler, in attempt to create NICE, nottoosweet milo(: [the rotation of the TESTING spoon! :p]and of course, the BISCUIT RATIONING!campers = monsters during night cap.TERRIBLE!then again, it only goes to show that OUR night cap is good(: HAHA.then, bonding time with the leaders while tata and rachel gave the AR and LC briefing.(: more random grinning and waving(: haha, OALs 05-06 rock(: haha, then bath time and LIGHTS OUT!caught up with the muthus too(: it's nice talking with all your heads against one another's(: i had fun(: and phy's sleeping bag rocks!(:

day 4 - haha, expressions: WE SLEPT!FOR THREE WHOLE HOURS! pro-ness.then again, most were sleeping..so.. :p phy's sleeping bag is nice and soft and warm!(: haha, LUNCH!(: = happy/proud(: hha, i think we had campfire prep after that(: 3C and the polar bear game!(: ultra super cute(: ahem CHERYL LWIN AND SURIA = evil polar bears(: and stupid dancing khong and i did when we thought NO ONE WAS LOOKING :p ohh well(: haha, then...THE ULTRA SUPER COOL AND FUN PEPSI COLA GAME!!(: leaders vs instructors(: HAHA(: suria + CHERYL *TRIES to stare down* + arica = one MEAN game(: esp that SURIA.killed so many ppl, eh?haha, but it was all good.we had fun(: all of us(: i'll miss those games for a VERY long time to come.. ): ahh well, then DINNER!HAHAHA.then following that.,.we had the ohsoretarded MARCHING THING!..goodness.suria and sarah must have had a field day laughing at all their leaders.CACAT!!!haha, 'the birth of the cepat mati squad'(: i'm gonna miss that BADLY.sigh..haha, even ACM joined in!(: hilarious!haha, then SOMETHING happened.marathon indeed, eh?(: ..night cap..and the FIRST BATCH OF MILO SOMEONE MADE ON HER OWN!(well, mostly on her own anyway :p) night cap was GOOD.more rationing + second round of milo = FULL campers(: haha, then bathign time!i think lilin, cheryl chin, phy, shaoyu and i had bs with mr sng that day.it was..enlightening(:

day 5 - sigh.second last day of camp ): shin wei and sruia went of for AR and LC respectively, so dhilshad and i walked round randomly/slacked(: i think some slacking with phy was also in order(: then..ACM and i went up to join expressions.HAHA.then we randomly called ADLIN out to teacher her cepat mati!one word: ADORABLE!!:p whoops, random.haha, then, LUNCH!bin wei, phy and i were sleeping in the dining hall when suddenly a gp of campers asked for permission to enter.ALL OF US jumped up immediately, but subsequently fell asleep AGAIN, on the table :p but lunch was good, and getting better ;) after lunch, we continued to slack in the kitchen(: the kitchen dept TRIED to write SOMETHING, but ended up doodling on my foolscap (i still keep it!) and stoning(: belle, phy and i started to sing random songs..(: all of which were attentively listened to by a SINGLE low zhun luan.sigh(: haha, but it was fun(: then, the INSTRUCTORS JOINED US!they ASKED, if they had ANYTHING to do..so..we asked them to plkay PEPSI COLA with us(: it was DURIAN, MULAN, suria and cheryl vs belle, zhen luan, shin wei and i(: haha, it got more fun later, with dhilshad smaking ppl's butts with the microphone-pen(: [BUTT FETISH! :p]haha, darn fun(: then..after seeeing to CERTAIN MATTERS..kitchen was off to the dorms to (finally) write our SOMETHING!haha, we tried to make it meaningful and as memorable as possible..soo..(: haha, then we gave it to our sun, in hope that it made her happy(: huggs + billy banja-ing + sheepish grins + peering at photos and notebooks = happy kitchen dept(: haha, then..we had the ALL MIGHTY..CAMPFIRE!..the leaders vowed to be most enthu, to make our last campfire in our capacity as leaders more..fun(: everything went well..BRILLINT FIREBALL, SINING(: and the cf dept was pro too(: I LOVED the fire!(: haha, all the cf items were super adorable too!(: (ahem! HAHA's sister, 'jennifer NOT dao and suria DAO' :p) then..the INSTRUCTORS' ITEM!(: it was DARN cute(: and amusing(: haha(: then..the ncc ppl were called away, right after their item and just before ours.note + goodbye = tears of joy/sorrow.sigh.then our item(: CEPAT MATI!, 'MORE BIRDS, MORE LUCK', 'GOLD 90 FM', '3G PHONES', 'PINGPONGPOO!SOOKOOKOO!'..haha, amusing(: and fun(: lots of fun(: still, our hearts broke when we remembered that _____________. ): ohh well.but night cap was great(: 2 rounds of milo + finished biscuits = satisfied everyone(: (sorry phy!) HAH!debrief was PANICKY; cos we suddenly remembered that _____________. ): aiiyyee.then, the last night of camp.we were rushed off to the showers where the newly formed muthu family TALKED(: before, during and after shower(: I LOVE MY PAPA, MAMA, GIRL, BOY AND CURRY!(: the muthus rock(: (: haha, then..at about 1 or 2?..we all slept!(:

day 6 - last day of oac.fire drill at 5am.was..sleepy.sigh.then, we all woke up late for breakfast; only for kitchen to realise we didn't have _____ any more ): ohh well.PORRIDGE!then mass cleaning up.heart breaking as it was to pack up and leave, we did.and it was back to cedar.the bus trip home was fun(: singing songs, reminiscing.(: everyone loved it(: then, back to school for debrief.fdc ppl: CHEER UP(: everyone's behind you(: random.whoops.right, then the leaders went to pp macs, only to find a whole table of instructors there(: we had fun..inter-table talking and fun on the spider web(: a short, meningful bonding session. (not it's last, i hope)..

..i'm gonna miss the leaders and instructors.
(espcially the understudies).

every word brings back a memory.
and i even then, i know that words will NEVER be enough..

'you'll be in my heart'
OALs, instructors...

2006-03-08T22:40:00.000+08:00

OAC 2006.
i'm left speechless.
so many good times, too mnay new memories.
revivial of some things in the past.
things change, people change;
but some things never will.

THANK YOU CHIEF, ASSISTANT CHIEFS AND LEADERS.
thank you, kitchen, for everything.
(ahem, "credit must be given to suria...")
the best camp i've had yet.
the memories will stay forever.

"'cos you'll be in my heart;
yes, you'll be in my heart.
from this day on,
now and forever more"

"as we go on, we remember all the times we had together.
(as leaders AND intrustors)
and as our lives change, come whatever,
WE WILL STILL BE FRIENDS FOREVER"

"CEPAT MATI", "CACAT"
the hose.the squirting.
the 'ang chio'-ing.
the nick-naming.
the milo-making.
the crying.
the talking.
the laughing.
everything...

OAC 2006;
forever and always.

2006-03-01T19:57:00.000+08:00

OAC's in 2 days.
our "last" camp.
our "last" campfire.
everything will come together during oac,
and finally reach a huge finale.
aah yes, things have defnitely changed.
we are no longer INSTRUCTORS.
we're LEADERS now.
i wonder if that means anything more than our predecessors,
or anything less than what's expected of us.
only time will tell.
our beloved kitchen in Labrador campsite..
here the kitchen dept comes.
PILE THE FOOD, BABY.

That bitch will have to take back her words one day.
i hope that when she does,
she'll REGRET it like never before.
she's not as cool as she thinks.
"****" man.HAH.
impressive?
..i think not.

hmmm, another person.
we thought it'd be easier to keep it tight between US,
but look; it's disappearing.
i don't know what it was,
or why this IS so sudden,
but i know that none of us wanted it to happen.
you're suddenly so far away;
and we're left behind, or starnded,
wondering what we did or what went wrong.
we were SO CLOSE.
everyday, every minute.
till our bills exploded, remember?
haha, i loved those times;
when we could share freely.
it's not impossible to bring that all back,
we just need to try --
try our HARDEST, try our BEST.
and if God wills it,
it'll all come back,
WITH A VENGENCE.

darling, i was thinking about it too.
and i'm as confused as you.
hopefully, we'll be able to work it out,
and bring our last third back.

The JYC publicity committee 2005 forever...

Like a prick in the dark;
it still hurts.
i don't know HOW, and don't know WHY.
i JUST KNOW i does.
i cannot see it, yet i know.
it's one of those unforgettable things;
everything -- it's just hard to forget.

BUT, perhaps, i need to..

God sustain me.
make me all YOU want me TO BE,
for YOUR will be DONE.

2006-02-27T20:39:00.000+08:00

I've done the most IDIOTIC things in my life,
yet i'm still alive.
some times, knowing too much could kill you.
thank God, i know enough to keep my alive,
but nothing more.

A knife in the chest

we wish for the strangest things.
things that could lead to PARANOIA.
yet, we want them anyway.
it's kind of sad, that we're so stubborn.
haha, then again;
i'm probably the worst.

the things we want, but can never have.
the forbidden fruit always tastes the sweetest.
HAHA, if only things weren't so true...

sometimes, memories need to be erased to move on.
so then; do i, or NOT?

why can't i move on?

weird occurances.
stupid habits.
won't stop.can't stop.

just keep moving, just keep moving...
don't stagnate.
they're catching up.
just keep moving, just keep moving...

i'm still stuck

SCHOOL.haha, what a joke.
revision, tests, homework.
people, FRIENDS.
mixing.
i don't get it, sometimes.
1 step, 2 steps, 3 steps, four.
in, out.found, lost.

'Cause you'll be in my heart;
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on, now and forever more
You'll be in my heart;
No matter what they say.
You'll be here in my heart, always

Why can't they understand the way we feel
They just don't trust what they can't explain
I know we're different but, deep inside us
We're not that different at all

2006-02-21T21:33:00.000+08:00

Time to start thinking about the things i've said and done.
Time to set new targets.
Time to move on.

The things we'll never have...

I LOVE MY DARLING(:
and SISTERS(:

2006-02-20T20:34:00.000+08:00

HAHA, i can't say many thing have hapened,
but i'll say that things have definietly changed.
then again, SO WHAT IF THEY HAVE?
i can't do anything even if i wanted to.
no wonder people like POWER.
...change wouldn't be a problem.

what i'd give to go back in time.
to a time when everything SEEMED to look right;
when all of us were 'tight';
when we were still close.
now, all of that seems to have dissipated.
and i'm left here,
wondering what happened.

it's a miracle i screw up every good thing that happens to me.
i wonder if it's a curse.

2006-02-11T21:50:00.000+08:00

Some times, God lets things happen for a reason.
though we might not always know why,
He does.
and that's all that matters.

I don't care about what happens,
or who i am or become any more.
because it's what and who He wants me to be.

I lift my life up to Him.

2006-01-06T23:30:00.000+08:00

It's happening.
too quickly.

THE FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL HAS JUST ENDED.
AND..
we've got homework already.
WONDERFUL way to spend the first weekend of 2006.
sigh, but i think even if we weren't given any homework,
we'd still have to start our Olevel prep anyway.
revsion has GOT TO START.
no way, am i going to wait till the MYEs arrive.
then again, come to think of it,
they MYEs aren't too far away.

WHAT AM I THINKING.
it's only the 6th of jaunary.
MYEs are in MAY.
then again, time flies past way too quickly.
maybe next time i look back,
the MYEs might be OVER.
goodness, how i hate time.
the way it passes;
the way it can never come back, after it's gone.
i ahte it.
but there are some things we can't change,
and i guess that's something i'll have to accept.

time's speeding up again.
the lessons are in full swing,
homework's piling up.
so is revision.
mschee is getting crazier and crzaier with her time limits for sum-doing,
and everyone's barely understanding.
time to get going, i guess.
i can't stay here forever.

The only constant in life is change.
i just wish it weren't so.
"How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?"
"Blessed be your name, on the road marked with suffering"

It's gonna be ONE LONG YEAR..

2006-01-04T12:39:00.000+08:00

And just like THAT,
the school year starts.
it was such a weird feeling,
going back to school;
seeing familiar faces and places again.
doing the things i used to do.
it felt as if i never had a holiday.
the stress is STARTING to build,
expectations have been set,
and things have started turning.
what a scary thought it is;
to think that i could've forgotten the holidays to fast.

UP go those bras

"the harder you try,
the more you won't make it.
wehn it comes to people,
they like to do the opposite of what you want them to do".
or something along those lines.
WELL, no wonder things didn't work out with a certain...
group. the HOTfamily...
'i tried so hard and got so far,
but in the end, it doesn't even matter.
i had to fall, to lose it all.
but in the end, it doesn't even matter...'
perhaps, things will be different.
perhaps, with God's grace,
things will turn out FINE this time.
"If it's His will,
he will not only burden YOUR heart.
but he'll burden ALL our hearts".
i guess.
nothing happens by coincidence.
and so, i wait.

It's such a wonderful thing to be sick at home;
staring out at the rain,
and wondering if there was more to life.

No more time to waste;
the planning starts now.
to take things one step at a time?
not this year.
"not slow and steady,
but fast and accurate".
well, that's something we've got NO CHOICE,
but to learn this year.

Fast and accurate.
fast and accurate...

BLESSED BE YOUR NAME
Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Oh, There's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to stay
Lord, Blessed be your name

2006-01-01T18:03:00.000+08:00

AHHH.
the new year's finally here.
i didn't want it to come.
i still don't.
but it's here anyway.
2006 -- sec 4, Os, LOTS AND LOTS OF STRESS.
sounds PROMISING.
oh well, better to be positive about it i guess.
LET THE GAMES BEGIN.

the last few days of 2005 were WONDEFUL.(:
(minus the falling sick part)
the WEIRD leadership camp in sentosa--
the flying chicken during our MULTI-LEVEL(LAYER) CAPTAIN'S BALL.
or.."amaeypadeypadeyjiggerebah!"
OKAY!..ALRIGHT!..hahaha.
the sec 1 ORIENTATION--
"SHERMAINE IN YELLOW/WHITE!" -_-
*clapclapclap* YAYYYY! -_-
or.."AHHHH!MINE'S ONLY 11 MB!!"hahaha

and of course..
THE LAST OUTING WITH THE COMM (or half of it)
tiff, jake, rach, dlam, jane and john.
i practically ran home from school then rushed out again after a HURRIED lunch.
barely made it into the train when i saw..
JOHN!
xia4si3ren2 indeed.
then we met the rest at palawan beach itself,
seeing jane in her bikini and all.
(HORRIBLE IMAGES!!)
and tiff joined in later too(:
alot of dunking followed..
and an AMUSING conversation about..
GENTLEMANLY SUPPORT. (or lack of in that poor lady's case)
then we ended the day with jumping off the jetty at siloso beach.
(: unforgettable fun.

2006 is here.
2005 is gone.
i can start anew.
i can choose to forget.
"see it as something you've passed,
then when the time is right;
look back and see how far you've come."
thanks jane.
thanks everyone;
for making my 2005 memorable.
if God wills it,
please stay in my 2006(:

God bless this new year.

2005-12-25T21:33:00.000+08:00

Merry Christmas, everyone.

2005-12-23T23:15:00.000+08:00

Jingle bells, batman smells;
robin laid an EGG!
bat mobile lost its wheels,
and joker got AWAY!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO..
OHSOCRAZYBUTCUTE NII-CHAN!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

i'm keeping the memories forever.
Christmas is but 2 days away...
i hope the notes mean something to all of you.

2005-12-22T01:00:00.000+08:00

The 20th came and went.
I LOVED IT.
the girls looked awesome(:
the guys were sweet; flowers and all.
i guess it was a little tense at first,
but AFTER the murder mystery,
things got ALOT better.
what with poker, bridge and MAHJONG.
[i still have itchy fingers]
took photos.
i LOVE them ALL.
pieces of all of us.
memories to keep.
to reminisce when needed.

that was the last of the 'meetings'.
school is starting in 10 days.
i'm scared.
but above all,
i don't want THIS to end.

i'll miss the comm...

2005-12-18T22:42:00.000+08:00

Who I am hates who I've been. Relient K
I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the pacific
And you might think I'm losing my mind
But I will shy away from the specifics
Cause I don't want you to know where I am
Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been
And this is no place to try and live my life

Stop right there
That's exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should've crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should've said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

I talked to absolutely no one
Couldn't keep to myself enough
And the things bottled inside had finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'd soon blow up

And I heard the reverberating footsteps
Syncing up to the beating of my heart
And I was positive that unless I got myself together
I would watch me fall apart

And I can't let that happen again
Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been
And this is no place to try and live my life

Stop right there
That's exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should've crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should've said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me
Who I am hates who I've been
Cause who I've been only ever made me

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

2005-12-16T23:30:00.000+08:00

we can't be sure of a lot of things.
and i guess that's what makes life..
LIFE.
we don't dare expect too much,
for fear of disappointment.
but the funny thing is,
we expect the unexpected ANYWAY.
which sounds ridiculous,
but is actually happening.
the stupid things we do as humans.

ahh, 2005 is coming to a close.
i'm happy 2005 happened.
it's the best year i've had yet,
even in spite of all the rocky bits.
i've learnt so many things this year.
i've had countles revelations about things that mattered.
and after all that,
i'm becoming happier.
because now, i know who i am.
and i guess i don't need any one to show me that.
i can't measure myself worth.
i WON'T.
take it or leave it,
i won't care any more.
the attention, the conversations?
I'VE HAD IT WITH INITIATING.
do it yourself, or leave everything behind.
i couldn't care less any more.

it's easy to say, i guess.
defintely another issue to actually do it.
till i get over this,
i know i have people who love and accept me wholly.
and frankly, that's all that matters.

2005-12-15T10:47:00.000+08:00

WAHOO!
[aahhh, a nice change for this blog, eh?]
MY HOMEWORK IS STARING AT ME EVILY.
IT WANTS TO EAT ME UP!
AAIIYYYEEE!!!
*runs around screaming*
*maid and sis stare weirdly*
*retreats back to room*
MY REVISION IS STARING AT ME WORRYINGLY!
IT WANTS TO KILL ME!!
AAAIIIIYYEEEEEE!!!!
*runs arounds screaming*
*maid and sis scream for 'peace and quiet'*
*glares at the two STRANGERS*
*retreats back to room*
MY BOOKS ARE GLARING AT ME ANGRILY!!!
THEY WANT TO KILL, CRUSH THEN EAT ME!!!!
AAAAAAAAIIIIIYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEE!!!!
SOMEONE SAVE ME!!!
*runs around screaming*
*maid and sis sigh in exasperation*
*points and LAUGHS*
*screams a 'wahoo!'*
*retreats back to room satisfied*

hey JAZZY, ZILING, RACHEL AND THE REST OF THE HOTFAMILY!!!
..i'm BAAACKKK!!
wahooo!!(: (:
i dare you people!
MAKE ME LAUGH!!(: (:
jaz, zi and rach: i'm hungry.and EVERYONE'S HORNY!

WAHOO!!

2005-12-13T21:38:00.000+08:00

I guess i went to far.
then again, how is one to tell?
repurcussions, repurcussions.

some things we look forward to,
some things we dread.
do we, then, remain numb in between?

next year's coming too soon.

2005-12-12T09:40:00.000+08:00

SYC breaks camp today.
it was..FUN.
and i agree.
camps are more enjoyable for the helpers,
not the committee.

Day 1: Amazing race.
rachh, tiff, jane and i were supposed to walk round east point wearing a specific pair of ear rings, while the groups looked for the respective ear rings we wore.after that station, we made our way down to the airport for an inpromptu station.the groups were told to find the link between 2 terminals.as we expected, the groups came to tiff and i at the sky train.after making them do various..activities..we told them that they were at the wrong station, telling them to find rachh and jane instead.after that, tiff and i met john and adriel, making our way to a VERY ULU-ATED coffeee bean to satisfy tiff's coffee craving.HAHA.funny stuff happened at coffee bean, and now i have a "white wall" for an ass.oohhhkaayy..

Day 2: Station games.
met jane earlier that morning to have a GOOD LONG CHAT.then, went with her to idp to check out her australian unis; MKAING US VERY LATE FOR THE ACTUAL GAMES.ohh well, john/jake/rachh/huiting seemed to be ok without me anyway.haha.our station involved getting lost in distractions [loud music, math questions, memory games, etc], while TRYING to memorize a LONG verse.HAHA.after the games, we bummed at jane's house playing bridge, daidi and heart attack originally.then jane brought out her mahjong and rachh, jane, jake, john and i ended up playing 8 rounds of mahjonh.WITH JAKE WINNING 5 ROUNDS.ohh well.then we went for a nice prata dinner..wahoo!

Day 3: Beach games
ariived at the east coast with jane and rachh at 7.45.we were given a final briefing and assigned to the various stations, before moving to our respective stations.rachh and i were in charge of the 'crawling muah chee' station, which involved the campers doing the hokey pokey [right hand, right leg, whole body] in the sea, before crawling through sand to find water bomb bags hidden in the water.HAHA.the last 2 groups that came to us very nicely dunked all of us into the sea.then, being wet and disgusting, we diceded to chase the guys around to get them wet too.EEHEE.in the end, all of us ended up swimming in the sea [1, 2, 3, 4, PUI PUI!], before our water bomb fight.[ASSEMBLY LINE!]haha, then we made our way back to church before going to the hiew residence to play bridge/daidi/mahjong/taboo, and laugh ourselves to death.after watching a few ridiculously funny clips, we went down to church for COP and dinner.

i had fun.
ALOT of fun.

AND NOW, for work.
ARRGHHH.

2005-12-09T22:50:00.000+08:00

i'm sorry.
i could say it a thousand times over,
but i know i'll never be able to make up for what i did.
or what i DO.

i'm sorry.
i'm a miserable excuse for a human being.
someone ought to shoot me and rid this world of THIS irritance.
i AM the irritance.

i'm sorry.
i'm a mistake.
i don't deserve to be living.
others are more deserving.

i'm sorry.
i give so many excuses,
dealing them out one after another.
too many excuses.

i'm sorry.
i backstab, i lie.
i ought to die.
PLEASE, PLEASE kill me.

...i'm sorry for being me.
not that the world can forgive.

2005-12-06T22:45:00.001+08:00

Parents.
two people i'll never be able to understand.
them and all their weird antics.
perhaps, IF/when i become a parent myself..
but DEFINITELY not now.

Life.
becoming monotonous again.
work, stone, sleep.
haha.but it better start now;
better than NEVER.
and besides, it's gonna be like that next year.
so, i can't complain, can i?

Friends.
funny people.
some of them mean it when they say that they'll "be there for you"
but, some of them don't.
thank God i met more of the former.
and i guess all of them,
are God's blessings to me.
i learn new things everyday;
and more often than not,
i learn from THEM.

this year's gonne be different.
i FEEL it.

2005-12-05T09:48:00.000+08:00

Aahh.new week.
rachh's coming back tomorrow,
the hiews will be back on thursday.
adriel's leaving today for m'sia.
dlam's leaving for m'sia on thursday.
dng's in australia.
today, the number of US left in singapore stands at 3.
4, including jane.
lowest we've had yet, i think.
ohh well.
we'll all be re-united soon!
soon enough at least..

Went out for lunch with jane and john yesterday.
couldn't finish the carl's jr burger + fries + drink.
i'm gonna put on weight this holidays.
BUT, i wouldn't seem to care less.
hmmm.don't know why.
went to watch twist of fate too.
'AH SEE!'
haha.was quite funny at some parts.
but not the sort you would continue laughing over.
i guess it wasn't as 'wow' as it thought it would be.
ohh well.
it's been such a long time since i've done blogging like this.
haha.a good, or bad thing?
i wonder.

Change is good, i guess.

Now, TIME TO START WORK.
180 degree change indeed.
better NOW than LATER i guess.

I cannot think.
i must NOT think.

2005-12-02T23:43:00.000+08:00

It's drizzling now.
the breeze is pleasant;
trees swaying and wind chimes souding in the distance.
everything's quiet.
i like decembers.
the world slows down,
the weather cools off.
and everything sees closure.
maybe this year,
more so than others.

SO MUCH WORK TO DO!
REVISION, HOMEWORK, ADVANCED STUDYING.
i say we'll all go insane,
if we did nothing else.
some are already on their way there.
next year; O level year.
and we're supposed to be ohsostressedandworried.
i some how don't seem to see that.
it's as if EVERYONE decided to take a break,
after a busy/tiring sec 3 year.
everyone can't bear to start work;
let alone revision or advanced studying.
but i guess, it's for the best.
we all need to learn the meaning of fun,
once in a while.
and as they say..
"better late than never".

God blessed me this holiday.
with JYC.
with the JYC committee.
i never knew i needed JYC so badly.
but now, i do.
and i really thank God that he has everything planned.
everything happens for a reason;
and THAT is highly comforting.
we're so relient on Him,
and some of us don't even know it.

Christmas shopping to do!
the LOVELY pub comm,
DNG, tiff, john, josh, jake, sam, adriel.
the 20th. 7pm.
i.can't.wait!
i hope we stay this way
PUB COMM + DNG!
studying for Os, shopping for prom and WHATNOT!
we'll do them , together(:

happiness isn't overrated.
i was just deluded (:

2005-12-01T16:55:00.000+08:00

It's december already.
Christmas is 24 days away.
perhpas, it won't be so bad thing year.
maybe, miracles DO happen.
i'll just wait TO see.
time passed so quickly this year.
2005 is almost gone.
so many events, so many changes.
and i never expected it to be so..
unexpected.
i guess our seniors were right.
time did pass quickly in sec 3;
even till this moment,
time is flying away.

it's fascinating how complex life can be.
one minute you're laughing,
the next, you may be crying.
i don't get it some times;
how VOLATILE moods are.
and it's strange how these moods affect the decisions we make.
this year, alone,
i made a few..disturbing..decisions.
but, they've been made nonetheless.
and now, i face repurcussions of what i've done.
i can't erase my past;
because that's who i am.
everything i've done,
everything i've believed in up till this point,
contibutes to 'me'.
and there is no way i can change that.
so, why bother trying to?
"Don't seek acceptance FROM people,
seek PEOPLE who accept YOU."
hah.life COULD BE as simple as that.
some where, some how,
people were made to accept each and every one of us.
God made it so.
He promised us that we would never be alone;
and God never lies.
i'm ashamed to call myself a christian.
i never believed Him.

it's ironic that i discover most about life,
from non-christians.
it's as if they bring new ideas and concepts,
to the ones i already have in my head.
and they SHOW me what life COULD be,
without God, without a faith to cling onto.
they bring new points of view;
they bring diversity.
but through it all,
i see that i could NEVER live without Him.

it's funny how we couls spend our lives searching for perfection,
when perfection never really existed.
some waste their life away,
looking for the meaning of life,
when there IS no definite meaning.
and yet, through all our STUPID attempts ot be something better,
He would always be there.
probably sighing in frustration,
but there nonetheless.
all of us are kids, really.
we always want to be THE BEST.
the SMARTEST.
the FASTEST.
no one wants to be left behind, or forgotten.
we all want to belong.
and some times, some where along the way,
we forget who we truly belong to,
and what we truly NEED.
and, ironically, in that way,
we're never truly the BEST.
maybe some times,
it's better to get what you need,
rather than what you want>.

life COULD be confusing,
life COULD be depressing,
but it's a matter of choice.
at the end of the day,
life is as we see it.
and our perception changes everything.

2005-12-01T00:28:00.000+08:00

We spend our lives trying to fit in.
but, do we EVER?
it's comical to think that some of us still bother to try,
after failing so many times.
so many people, so many events.
different crowds, different occasions.
YET, we never stop trying to fit in.
some people make it seem SO EASY.
they breeze through life,
as if company didn't make a difference.
then, there are those who never stop;
grovelling for attention and acknowledgement.
HAHA.
i think humans are funny creatures.
we're funny in our diversity;
we're funny in our differences.
so many things we could do,
and yet, we don't do them.
we choose something else.
and end up miserable.
HAHA.
i think life's a funny thing.

the window is open.
midnight sky, cool breeze.
everything's quiet.
i see lights in the distance,
trees swaying in the breeze.
i hear wind chimes
and the quiet trickling of water in the distance.
and i know that this is perfection.
then, i start to think.
of the times i've seen such perfection,
of the things i did at this time of the day.
i remember and everything comes rushing back to me.
every emotion; every situation; every person.
2/m chalet 2004.
we were bowling.
we were angry.
we went back, cried,
and decided to take a stroll.
a whole group of us.
ahh yes, the HOTfamily at its best.
walking along the beach,
feeling the wind against our bodies,
and the warmth from within.
there was a comfortable silence too.
if only i had a picture of the smiles.
August 2005.
a piece of seemingly bad news.
staircase landing.
muddled thoughts.
lacked courage.
bleeding.
HAHA.
how funny it seems.
insecurity.
incompetence.

i laugh at my own progression.
i hate to be up at night;
when the air's cool,
and everything's perfect.
i hate to be reminded of the past.
i hate to reminisce about how things WERE.
and yet, i still do these things.
HAHAHA.

now, he's gone.
someone please shoot me.

2005-11-29T10:10:00.000+08:00

Christmas is drawing near.
26 days away, to be precise.
everyone seems excited bout it.
festive season, christmas spirit.
i don't get what these mean.
really.
christmas is about celebrating Christ's birth.
yes, and we do.
the gifts and GIVING them make it memorable.
but, isn't that all there is to christmas?
what's it that makes christmas so special?
why does everyone anticipate it?
i don't get it.
the splendor of christmas morning perhaps?
or the innocence and happiness when opening gifts?
i don't see it.
i don't get what makes christmas so special.
call me a sceptic,
or humbug..
i still won't be able to see.

i believed i have loved christmas before.
perhaps, as a child,
when everything was about the gifts and laughter.
how WOULD growing up change anything?
..i thought that i'd love christmas forever.
and today, i find myself saying that i hate it.
oh goodness, i'm turning into the Grinch.
maybe it's because of the past 2 years,
and the little significance each christmas holds for me.
i can't look back on the past 2 christmases,
and sigh in contentment of all the happiness i had experienced.
nope, not possible.
i thought that christmases were meant to be more splendid as the years passed,
but i guess not.
i guess resentment just got worse each year.
family in, family out.
some times, i feel as if i need a break.
but, my folks will never get that, will they?
it's always
"mind your uncles"
or
"take care of your grandparents"
or
"be careful of what you say"

i don't get the meaning of christmas.
it's devoid of family cheer.
each agthering is a torture.
and the rest of the day is spent in total boredom and reflection.
i wonder if my parents enjoy christmas;
they never seem to be happy about anything any more.

if everything boils down to duty and commitment,
what else would there be left to live for?
i can't imagine that day i forget what 'fun' feels like.
but, i guess that is what GROWING up does to you,
doesn't it?
it's depressing to see such things everyday.
no wonder people never want to grow up.

2005-11-27T19:15:00.000+08:00

Some things i see,
some things i don't.
some things i was meant to see,
some things i wasn't.
but at the end of the day,
i'll judge what i see.
and based on that judgement,
i'll form my beliefs.

it's FUNNY how fast my moods change.
and how my 'beliefs' sway with my moods.
i hate the person i am now,
i hate the uncertainty i have toward certain things.
i hate the fact that i can't stand firm in what i believe in, at certain times.
but i guess, this IS all part of adolescence.
we discover who we are,
and we dicide what we believe in.
it's funny how a few years can change so much,
but that's how life is.
FUNNY.

and so, i laugh.
i ALWAYS laugh.
..don't i?
whether or not i man it, on the other hand,
is a different issue.

rachh's in L.A.
josh and jake are leaving for New Zealand.
deb's going to Australia.

a break for 'comm meetings' perhaps?
i hope not.
if there's one thing i want more than anything else,
it'll be that the comm stay close;
as close we can be anyway.
and that friendships will strengthen.
perhaps, THIS is my Christmas wish.
i just hope that i've been a good enough girl this year..

2005-11-26T13:52:00.000+08:00

if you're reading this,
and i believe you are,
i'm sorry.
for your sake,
maybe it really is time for us to part ways.
you've got things to do,
a faith to believe in,
and i wont stand in your way.
i promise i wont mess it up.
yes, our lives are so different,
and i think we both need some time apart.
i've got thinking to be done,
re-papers to be faced,
and its probably best i do it alone.
you once said maybe you were too reliant on me.
i'm thinking, was i too reliant on you?
and i dont know.
i guess its also time for me to face this world on my own.
we promised never to say goodbye.
and i hope, maybe one day,
we can talk this over.
again.

i'm sorry.

love,
desmond.

babe, this is proof that i have read it.
you KNOW..i don't have to say it.
but perhaps, this is the best.
for now.
i'd like to talk it over, one day.
and till then, you don't have to be sorry for anything.
i should be sorry.

i'll still be loving you the way i did..
shermaine

2005-11-25T10:30:00.000+08:00

Just read through my archives, and realized how different i was in the past.i used RACHAEL LINGO and wasn't embarrassed bout it.i recounted almost EVREYTHING in my life.i was relaxed, i felt secure..perhaps, even confident that i was enough.then some where, some how, all that began to change.the posts started getting more and more depressing.my 'confidence' was lost, and i became paranoid.everything deteriorated till i didn't know who i was, or what i stood for.i became a being, living for the sake of living.i had goals, yes, bu some how, they were all dashed; and i was left with nothing.i was an empty shell, living because i had to.

i don't know what's changed from then.am i still the same person?..or can i seek revival?SHOULD i seek revival?..it's just weird to think about such things after being numb for so long.it's almost as if i was suddenly jolted back to life, finally living and breathign all its colour again.i can see now; life in all its brilliance.and so, i ask myself, "where have i been?what have i been missing out on?".perhaps, i KNEW what life was, only i didn't believe it.i didn't believe that there was so much more to life.but, i see now..and there IS alot more to life.

perhaps, this holiday period was meant as a gift to me.to save me from drowning in my own self-pity.to wake me up from my depression.to finally allow me to see that i AM worth it, that life IS worth it.and perhaps, i'll find myself again.

i feel happiness, all over again.
and i revel in it.

thank God for the wake up call.
cos, without his doing through the jyc comm, i dond't think THIS would be possible.
jyc was enjoyable.the committee was a blessing.
thank god, for all his wonders.

YOU.
i thought you were giving up.
and you are, cos you're admitting that this IS the end.
we're too different.
you're against everything i am,
and i see the value of what i believe in now.
i'm not going to have you belittle them any more.
i'm trying to stand up;
something i sadly couldn't do when we were close.
i know this is selfish, but please..
don't mess this up for me.
don't think that i won't miss you.
cos i will, but this is for the best.

2005-11-23T22:08:00.000+08:00

Things change.
i don't know why;
sometimes, i don't even know how.
but they do.
no matter how frustrating,
we accept.

YOU ask why.
i'm sorry i don't have the answer for you.
not now, not yet.
perhaps i have a few reasons.
but you'll probably just tell me all of it is 'bullshit',
then tell me to 'fuck off'.
well then.
i'll save you the hassle.
i'm wlaking off myself.
it's sad that you don't want it back any more.
you're admitting defeat SO FAST.
i can't make the compromises YOU yourself aren't willing to make.
we're too different, babe.
and perhaps, you'll do better off withOUT me.
this might be the end.
perhaps.perhaps..

the things we do and think about for acceptance.

2005-11-20T21:06:00.000+08:00

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

i never saw..

Tear my heart open,
i sew myself shut.
my weakness is that i care too much.
and my scars remind me that my past is real;
tear my heart open,
just to feel.

enough.self.pity.

Can't say I was never wrong,
but some blame rests on you.
Work and play they're never okay
..to mix the way we do

i thought i would never say bye to you.
but this time, i have to.
i'll remember the 13th of may 2005 forever.
thank you.

Goodbye to you,
goodbye to everything that i knew.
you were the one that i loved,
the ONE THING that i tried to hold onto

..i really did try.
i guess i was NEVER your priority.
and now, for the final time,
i'm saying goodbye.
..though you would never know.

Jesus Lover of my soul
Jesus i will never let you go
youve taken me from the miry clay
Set my feet upon a rock and now i know

I need you
I love you
Though my world may fall i'll never let you go
My saviour, My closest friend.
I will worship you
Until the very end.

2005-11-18T23:26:00.000+08:00

INTERESTING things have happened in the past few days.
haha, i won't even start to recount them.
one thing i do know;
i love the JYC committee 2005,
and i pray and hope that it'll stay THIS way.
ignorantly hopeful,
or realistically pessimistic.
i wonder.
but i PRAY and hope we'll stay this way,
for a good, LONG time.

i don't have to hide who i am.
not excessively, at least.

school activities and commitments are fading away.
i DREAD them now;
i don't know why.
JYC withdrawal, perhaps?
LTC's next week;
i can't compromise performance or discipline.
sigh.the stupid things we do.
i haven't even touched my school work,
analyzed my results,
started revsion,
OR next year's studying yet.
it's funny how one event can change OTHER totally unrelated events.
funny.i find all of this very funny.

who i am, i cannot change.
cos i've tried, and now?
i'm too fed up to do anything else.

WHO WILL STICK WITH ME TILL THE END?
..ugh.i'm disgusted with my own self-centered-ness.
someone, please hit me on the head.
i need an effective wake up call.
i've been sleeping for WAY too long...

jazzy darling,
rach's away.
the HOTs aren't meeting.
yes, we need to talk;
but it's gonna be hard.
i miss 2m.
i miss the old HOTfamily.