life's a life long discovery.
you're always discovering who you are,
who you're meant to be,
what drives you,
what makes you happy,
what makes you depressed,
what your ultimate goal is.
it's a process requiring patience,
determination,
and the desire for that knowledge.
philosophers spend their whole lives studing life,
analyzing life,
but why cant they ever crack the code of life?
..because there is no code.
it can be defined by many people,
it can have so many different definitions.
it all depends on our view of it.
will we let angst and pride cloud our eternal visage?
or let serenity and hope define our actions?
it's a never ending battle of these 2 elements.
often, we find outselves drowning in
depression and angst.
it almost seems like there's no way out.
we keep swimming,
but it's a vast ocean,
and we're getting tired.
do we alow ourselves to be carried away then?
carried away by the torrents of defeat?
i once thought that that was the most sensible choice.
but, i was a coward.
there is no such thing as immediate relef when one gives up.
because, just as i was about to sink below the surface,
a lifeboat came along.
and i know that's true for everyone.
everyone has his or her own lifeboat;
all we have to do is struggle to keep awake,
uncloud our vision, and see it.
it's simple.
so simple.
just believe.
just believe...

it's not so bad now.
so many things seem easier.
so many things seem less complicated.
i doubt they were complicated to begin with.
so many things have been brought into the light;
and i'm grateful for that.
so very grateful.
now, all i need to do is...
continue living.

life is a road;
i wanna keep going.
life is a river;
i wanna keep flowing.
life is a road,
now and forever,
wonderful journey.

i'm happy today.
very happy.
maybe a little worried,
and depressed.
but overall, happy.
thanks you guys.
thanks for shwing me the love(:

As each day passes,
i become more and more incomptent;
more and more unworthy of being in my class.
i should be..
disciplined.
focused.
committed.
but am i?
to my studies,
and everything else,
i'm not.
i'm detached from the world.
floating and drifting away.
will i swim back?
or just float along the current of life?
i dont know...

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Very High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Very High

JIMMY EAT WORLD.THE MIDDLE.
Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best,
try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves,
when you're away.

It just takes some time,
little girl you're in the middle,
it'll up the ride.
Everything will be just fine,
everything will be allright.

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own,
so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

It just takes some time,
little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine,
everything will be allright.
It just takes some time,
little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine,
everything will be alright.

This should be my anthem..

i've disappointed.
i'm sorry.

i've lost to myself.
i'm sorry.

i'm incompetent.
i'm sorry.

i couldnt get a hold of myself.
i'm sorry.

i have people who care.
question mark, exclamation mark, full stop.
how does it end?
i only have to answer to myself.
myself
i dont want to disappoint.
i dont want to put myself in more trouble.
i dont want to jepordize my already precarious position.
i dont want anything to happen.

but i cant make that happen.
who am i?!
one SMALL, INSIGNIFICANT speck,
in this VAST universe.
WHAT CAN I DO?!
WHO AM I TO SAY ANYTHING?!
call it inferiority.
call it delusion.
call it whatever you like.
but.
one thing's for sure.
i am who i am.
i know what i perceive.
and nothing will change that;
unless..
i see the change for myself.

or in other words...




















never.

Today, i thought about life.
haha.dont i always?
people keep saying life isnt meaningless;
that it's just waiting to be discovered.
after living on this earth for 15 years,
i'm still wondering if there IS anything left to be discovered.
experiences and constant pondering,
have given me insights into life i thought didnt exist.
they have taught me things,
that i never dreamed of learning at this age.
maybe it's a habit,
maybe it's my character.
but i can never stop think.
it's not a choice,
it's an occurance;
an irritating occurance.
the finer things of life are picked up,
the smaller things dont go unseen.
i discover things that others might not.
a blessing?
a curse?
the road is wide.
then, i think to myelf;
if living now is so hard,
wont it get worse as time passes?
what about adultahood, the shedding of adolescent wings?
what about the approaching of mid-life and its crisis?
what about old age and dependance?
i think about these and i wonder;
wonder how i'm going to survive such a pensive life,
such a observant life.
i wonder, but i have no answers.
maybe the answers are along the road of life,
waiting for discovery.
maybe the answers aren't fixed,
maybe there are no answers.
i dont know.
but, it would be nice to find out.
maybe this transition period is going to end;
maybe it has just started.
i dont know, again.
but, i KNOW i will get the answers i need.

then, life doesnt seem so bleak anymore.
life doesnt seem so meaningless.
there's so much discovery.
there's so much to be learnt.
learning's a never-ending process.
do i have the patience?
do i have the perseverance?
it's all part of the discovery.
and for a moment,
a split second,
it all seems worth it.
optimism is flowing,
and life is suddenly interesting again.
but.
it's only for a split second.
then, latent depression sets in again.
i guess that IS life.
the interpretation of it,
the learning,
the SURVIVING.
the whole process is life.
there's no definition to it,
like many things in life.
but rather, a composition of sorrows,
joys, anger,
and a whole lot of other elements.

living life like looking through a kaleidoscope;
one picture,
so many images.

ahh.the work life.
stressful, monotonous.
it's all the same.
the same cycle everyday.
get up, school, work, sleep.
what's the meaning in this kind of life?
i see no meaning.
i dont want to live it anymore.
but do we have a choice?
apparently not.

the social life.
fun, unpredictable.
it's so idealistic.
all you ever do is socialize.
does this life have a meaning?
why, then, does everyone want to live it?
is it really all it's cracked up to be?
i wonder.

sigh.
i devote myself to a predicatble life.
reliabilty over dangerous enticement.
i was never that kind of preson.
i doubt i'll ever be.
secrurity over living on the edge.
i was never a person for living like i was dying.
stabilty and security.
that's all i want in life.
i wonder if "fun" and "happiness" id really worth it.
people gamble with their lives for these to elements.
i wonder how they live it.
"fun"?
"happiness"?
these seem so foreign to me.
i wonder if i'll ever know what they truly mean...

//Solitude.
No more screaming voices.
No more hushed speculation.
No more expectation from the world.
She was alone.
She could finally be herself.
..but.
did she remember how to?
she couldn't remember the last time she was truly..
her.
all that pretending.
all those lies.
weren't they her life?
didn't she live and breathe deceit?
she was a walking lie
the epitome of deception.
ahh.
no wonder she had forgotten how to live.
she always thought of others first.
their opinions.
their perceptions of her.
it was a twisted idea.
she couldn't remember when she got so defensive,
when she cared so much.
but.
the fact was..she did.
and it killed her each day,
knowing that she was waking up to yet another day of pretending.
she thought she had no choice.
little did she know..
she had already did.
and now..
this was the price she had to pay.//

jealousy;
turning saints into the sea.
swimming through sich lullabies.
choking on your alibis.
but it's just the price i pay,
destiny's calling me...
'cos...
i'm mr brightside.
>>the killers.mr brightside.

haha.
this is how stupid life gets.
you reveal because you think life's finally become better.
but hey,
you're proven wrong again.
wham.
there goes your confidence in life.
and there goes your hopes,
fears,
dreams,
wishes.
then again,
you're never worth it are you?
i wonder how others would feel..
to be ignored?
to be placed below others?
haha.
not in my world,
they dont.
no..
high fliers,
all of them.
not one backward glance at the little ones..
the trailers.
we're MEANT to be left behind.
we make others feel better.
we make them seem important.
we're the alternatives.
ever the alternatives.
haha.
i wonder what it's like..
to TRULY belong?
maybe i already know,
but sad to say..
i've forgotten.
and you know what's the best thing?
there're always expectations.
they expect you to act a certain way..
no...
cannot let that mask fall.
it'll lead to condemnation for life.
no...
never that option.
then, i gues,
we dont really have a choice,
do we?
all we little people do is suffer.
outwardly ew're fine,
we really ok.
but you never know what's on the inside.
and do people really care?
of COURSE they dont.
you were MEANT to live in someone's shadow.
you're MEANT to be forgotten;
placed in the backseat of someone's life.
there is no other choice.
then again,
you CHOSE this life,
when you werent good enough.
you CHOSE this life,
when others dont see you for who you are.
you CHOSE this life,
when you've got something that irritates others.
you CHOSE this life,
by being you.
haha.
i love my life.
i love adaptations.
i love reality.
everything seems so perfect,
so normal.
yes, yes.
we should be ever the optimist.
ever the optimist...

and guess what?
it's all gonna end soon.
soon, i tell you..
SOON.
hahahaha.
the end.
hahahahaha.

Your indifference
Your cold words
Your fake actions
Your lies

My attention
My admiration
My trust
My belief

Your smirk
My smile
Your demands
My giving
Your help
My helplessness

I thought we were friends?

Your useless affirmations
Your demanding nature
Your infuriating insolence

I thought we were friends?

My unconditional respect
My yearn to follow
My perception of your liberty

I thought we were friends?

Your snickers and coldness
Your lies and your hidden hate
Your reticent deceit

I thought we were friends?

Seeped through scorn
Once-concealed contempt
Revealed arrogance
Hurting words

I can't think.

Desperate words
Frantic to please
Fraught to gain respect

Wasn't my mind once filled with your "kindness"?

Sudden enmity
Faded warmth
Lack of emotion

I refuse to think.

A broken heart
A cold, shimmering tear
Stained with the hatred of you

You are not worth my thinking.

>>written by Kaze of the Sand.
it's amazing how alike two people can be,
and yet at the same time be so diferent.
life is fascinating.

She smiled.
For once in a very long time, she smiled.
It was so peaceful here.
It was sunset,
where the sun met the horizon,
and dyed the sky in a faint reddish hue.
She suddenly laughed at the irony of it all;
people fought so hard to enjoy the beauty of life,
yet ignore the simple magnificence of this natural phenomena.
The human race suddenly seemed so stupid to her;
always striving for perfection,
even though they know they can only come close.
It was like reaching for an invisible target,
the desperation acting as a blindfold,
covering up little bits of information that could have made life more meaningful.
At the end of it all,
where did she stand?
She tried so hard to keep up,
even though she knew she was not capable of doing that.
She was forever trailing,
"eating people's dust".
How could she have been so blind?
Cynical spasms of laughter escaped her lips.
They did always say,
"better late then never".
She looked reality stright in the eye for the first time,
she was first shocked by its cruelty,
then she noticed a flicker of reverence.
A sligh flicker,
but a weakness, nevertheless.
She was satisfied.
She knew the truth now.
But, the satisfaction and serenity would not last for long.
As she peered over her dangling feet,
she was scared for the first time.

She had always had a fear of heights.

Some people just piss me off.
sorry guys.
hope you had fun..

*[sunburned//
colar line, HIGH sock line, skirt line, shirt line]

Sometimes I just wish life would end.
It's so hard continuing.
It's so hard.
They're so many expectations.
I hate them all.
I hate myself.
Why am I so stupid?
Haha.
It's ironic.
I bet I'm not even pushing myself.
I'm always giving excuses.
Making up lies,
To kid myself that it's ok;
I still have time.
Truth is,
I don't.
And I hate the truth.
I hate it when I'm wrong.
I hate it when I fail to meet MY own expectations.
I hate myself.
I detest my incompetence.
WHY?!
Is this self pity?
I profess to hate it.
But...
Why then, do I display it?!
I hate myself!!
I detest myself!
I wish for my own death sometimes!
..and the *****ing is getting more frequent.
I can't control myself anymore.
The impulses are too great.
The temptation is too great.
I'm weak.
I'm so weak.
I can't stand up to it.
You think it's easy fulfilling promises?
Why are people like that?!
.."promise me you won't do it".
Or worse still..
They're angry with ME for my OWN actions.
Haha.
How ironic life is.
I face disappointment from myself everyday.
And I still have to handle your disappointment?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being such a bitch.
I'm sorry for letting you worry.
I'm sorry for being me.
That's the greatest truth of my world.
I'm WEAK.
I embody the quality I detest the most.
Isn't life ironic?
Haha.
I laugh at it.
I laugh at the concept that is my life.
People analyze it.
People get disappointed each and everytime they see it.
I thought I was worth something.
But, I guess I'm not.
I guess I'm not worth it for some people.
I guess I can never measure up to the rest.
I'm sorry for making you worry,
For some one like me.
Please stop.
I'm not worth it.
I'm sorry for tricking you into caring for me,
If you did.
Because, I'm nothing.
There IS nothing.
I am nothing.
I have no worth.
Not worth a f**king anything.
I'm an outcast.
I'm dirt.
I should be trampled upon.
Please, I beg of you.
Make my life easier.
Forget me.
I don't wanna live anymore.
And on this night,
My vehemence is especially strong.

I feel like screaming,
But I can't.
I feel like crying,
But I won't allow myself to.
It's pity.
It's self pity.
And I'm living in a jail cell.
There's a fixed protocol to living in my 'home'.
There's a fixed protocol to being me.
And I'm so tired of it.
I wanna be free.
Will death bring my liberation?
Questions like this will never be answered,
Till you walk on the other side of life.

Please, please,
Forgive me.
But I won't be home again.

it's funny how one thing leads to another.
how one incident can lead to certain reactions.
life is truly an egnima.
we never seem to be abl to fullu uncover ti,
to fully discover its meaning.
so many expectations,
so many guidelines.
can we meet them all?
can we follow them all?
the mere understanding of all of its concepts is hard enough.
what more the upholding of all of its policies?
sometimes i wonder.
why do people keep things from one another?
embarrassment?
incompetence?
it seems like the the whole principle of sharing revolves around these 2 axises.
i hate it you know?
neverunderstanding how people feel.
in way, i guess i hate speculation too.
but;
mylife is meant to be lived in seclusion,
to be lived in speculation.
i can only guess the truth,
i can never confirm it.
and that's what irks me the most.

anguished wishes do nothing.
fervent hopes are fruitless.
in the end, it's faliure any way you put it.
and in the end,
everyone gives up in one way or another.
have i crossed that line?
have i come to that point?
life seems so bleak sometimes.
i wonder if i'll ever see my objective,
if i'll ever see my worth.
and as time ticks by,
the value of that statement decreases.
and life slows down.
i cannot keep up anymore.
i never was able to.
i guess my life was lived i constant denial.
..i'm glad i woke up.

people pass by.
time ticks by.
and i am passed,
yet again.
it's a never ending cycle of disappointment and regret.
and i'm begining to adapt.
i'm begining to accept.
that's the way life will always be.
so be it.



i'm at that line;
i give up.

useless affirmations.
worthless words.
redundant speaking.
actions speak louder then words.

pent up frustration.
briddled anger.
painful actions.
it feels good.

being ignored.
walking alone.
detesting solitude.
i accept.

prior importance.
limited attention.
little understanding.
that's the way the world is.

undesired hatred.
undisguisable scorn.
irrevocable contempt.
the world shows it all.

inevitable decisions.
desperate calls.
unheared pleas.
it happens everyday.

pathetic self pity.
detested self.
shunned trust.
i'm weak.

death?
peace?
hapiness?
options, option, options.

trust..?
never.

everything's fake.
things don't last.
things don't exist.

i don't exist.
i am numb.
i am invisible

life goes on?
i don't think so.

I'm not worthless..
haha.
i'm not worthless.

no more animosity.
no more resentment.
no more hatred.
calm and relief take its place.

it feels good.

..i didn't know it took this,
to receive what i desired.
if this is really what it takes,
i may have to do it again.
it's follish, it's stupid.
but i can't help it.
my desperation is driving me crazy.
i may look normal on the outside,
but appearences are deceiving.
i may look happy on the outside,
but what makes you think i'm not crying on the inside?
i refuse to cry.
no; it's a weakness.
people pity you.
i don't need pity.
people will hate me for what i do,
for what i say.
haha.
they already do.
but, somehow..
ican't find it in myslef to please others anymore.
i don't want to be that compliant, weak person anymore.
i want to be my own person.
i want people to mix with me for who i am,
not who they see me to be.
they always say..
the flesh is weak.
how true it is..
i wish for it,
yet i cannot bring myself to do it.
how weak..
i'm weak.
how ironic.

ARGHHH!
enough self pity!!
i need to be more focused.
3 tests next week.
2 tomorrow.
2 on wednesday.
shit.
i dont know where all my english vocabulary has gone,
or where my grammar has been chucked.
but i sure want to know.
and i sure want to own them again.
chemistry, ameths, emaths;
don't seem as important as english.
inconsequential to who i am.
..goodness.
what am i talking about?

GENERATION IMPACT [GI].
not The Impact Team [TIT].
haha.
they're a funny bunch of people.
took my mind off scissors for a while.
God has really blessed me.
i know, now,
why he put me in this team.
yes, it means more commitment;
but it's good.
it's all good.
they have fun,
i had fun.
i like it.
avenue for de-stressing.

[And of course… condominium (big, BIG one), car (red and nice), credit card (nice picture), terrorists, fruitcake (big, BEEG banana), suitcase, orang utan, plumber’s outfit, Mario Nintendo game, toilet bowl (nice and fresh smelling), wrench, rubber band and A NICE BUTT]

Alot of things happened this week.
i did something.
the worry was unecessary;
but it felt..
good?
it's selfish;
i'm selfish.
i hate my world.
i hate everything about me.
i hate myself.

i know the world does the same.

//She picks up the flower.
Running her fingers over its petals,
she remembers who gave it to her.
She was brought back to that stand still in time,
when she had given it to her.
She was shocked.
She was touched.
She felt loved.
She never teared;
no, it was weakness --
yet, it was ironic that she was on the inside.
She remembered all the good times they had together.
All the stupid times, all the fun times.
She smiled to herself.
With a final caress,
she sets the flower down;
hoping, forever longing,
that it's giver would never forget her,
the way she didn't on the day she gave it to her.//

I hope you dance
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

things were good today.
things were resolved today.
a burden's finally been lifted.
i'm glad it happened.
we grow from them.
till tomorrow.



fate beckons.

i've been wondering...
will you accept me if i come back?
like the prodigal son and his forgiving father?
will you still believe me?
will you still trust me?
will you still walk beside me?
will you still be there?
..or do i have to face life alone again?
actually...
just forget that.
i've always been walking alone.
you're almost always never there when i need you,
i've always had to face thing alone;
desperately calling for help,
when i knew no one would come.
i want to go back in time...
go back to the happy memories,
to the classroom where all things were good between us,
where everyone was stressed, but happy.
where everyone was fiercely loyal to the other;
where camaraderie was rampant.
i know i'm not alone.
many of us want to go back in time,
it's a pity that despite all our insistent wishes,
it doesnt happen that way.
we face out own troubles as they charge at us.
with bared hands,
with fast dying spirit,
we face our dilemmas and problems.
it is enough?
most are close to breaking point.
we are all like glass,
soon to be shattered because we already have too many cracks.
can the cracks be repaired?
i dont know.
i'm figuring that part out as well.
can time really heal all wounds?
..or is that phrase just overrated?
regret.
why am i made to face that everyday?
i'm already losing the battle against myself;
and this gets thrown at me?!
i sometimes picture how it would be,
if i hadnt been so stupid.
that vision is perfect,
it's happy.
but reality isnt.
i AM stupid.
i have been, am and always will be.
that is why i will continue to make such mistakes,
that is why my life will always be lived in regret;
shadows of what could have been.
that is why my life will forever to be lived in reticence,
to be reflective of my daily stupidty.
and in the confines of solitude,
wish that my life could be anything else but this.
i cannot speak out;
no one will listen.
i've turned the people who did away.
i cannot speak out;
the embarrassment will kill me.
i am too shallow,
only caring for perfection,
even though it's ironic that i am the one far from prefect.
it is all self pity.
i dont derserve pity.
i detest pity;
but i'm weak.
i pity myself everyday.
how weak.
how SO EVERY WEAK.
i endeavour to be strong,
to prove to society who i am,
and who i can be.
but, i'm always falling short of my aspirations.
they are too lofty.
i am too flawed.
my stubborn nature, however, is undeterred.
i dont want it to be,
but it is all the same.
i wish to live life in acceptance,
in total numbness,
because that is what i deserve.
but, no.
my nature chooses another path;
wrought with disappointments,
filled with regret.
and yet, i never give up that dream.
why??
i still dont understand how
one part of my mind cannot liase with the other.
i dont know why practicality cannot meet with aspiration.
i dont know why i have to live in thr torture of having to question everyday.
i dont know alot of things.
but i do know this;
i am proud,arrogant.selfish.a perfectionist.
WEAK.
and that i'm suffering everday because i am all of what i see.

My life is like...
mud.
People step on it,
Trample over it,
Yet never give a thought to what it is they are stepping on.
They leave their marks in that puddle of mud,
Yet never knowing they did so.
And, there are some who avoid it totally.
They see it as filth,
As things to be stepped OVER;
They are disgusted with its mere existence,
Something to be forgotten,
Something to be repelled.
Bottom line is,
It's forgotten,
It's seen as an object of disgust.
It melts with rain,
Hardens with the sun.
It's so..volatile.
It's neither here nor there,
Never fitting in,
Never being clearly classified.
Others know what they are,
Do i?
Haha.
I analyze social groups,
But I never noticed I was an outcast,
Totally different from the rest.
I know who they are,
I know who I am.
I know I don't belong.
So, why do I try?
Cos I want to fit it,
But I know I'll never be able to.
I can only remain as mud,
Despised, avoided, repelled.
Perhaps one day I'll break free from my 'volatile state'.
Perhaps.
but, unlikely.
Highly unlikely.
So maybe one day,
I'll just stop.
I wonder how I'd be like on that day...
Hey, I don't mind actually.
It's better than lying to yourself.
Maybe the process has already begun...
people are getting tired of reading my endless complaints,
disguised as blog entries.
I know that full well.
Haha.
I should just stop this.
It's a burden to everyone.
Haha..then, I think.
So what if it is?
It's patronage to myself.
I don’t owe it to anyone.
Deny myself of the outlet of my frustrations?
I think not.
I'm done with mindless sacrifices.
I'm done with pleasing others.
I'm selfish, I admit.
But that's the way the world works.
Accept it, or live in denial the rest of our short lives.
So, the process has begun.
Sacrifices for myself,
That's a new concept,
But I'm not hating the idea...

*des,
Thanks.
But, it's not that I don’t trust you.
I don't see the point in continuing..
I’m going a different way.
I hate the old path.
Perhaps you’re not willing to walk this one with me,
But I don't mind;
Cos you've been walking with me for so long,
I can't ask for anymore.
This is a tribute to you and what you've done for me.

Lifehouse.you and me.
What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
Nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say
Just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words, you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't why I can't keep my eyes off you

Something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of

You and me and all of the people
With nothing to do nothin to prove and
It's you and me and all of the people and
I don't why I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive

how.
how do you change somehting beyond your control?
how do you rectify situations seemingly beyond repair?
how do you worry for something apparently non-existant?
why.
why do people pretend so?
why do people put up a facade to make placate others?
why are people so selfless?
what.
what's going on?
what do you want to tell me?
what exactly's happening?

people are so stupid sometimes.
so, so stupid.
their stupidity is incredulous!!
outwardly, they are the admired.
the accimplished.
but, what exactly's going on?!
inert strifes,
internal conflicts.
you try not to let us know about it.
no..
you conceal it.
yet,
you disclose them,
to me.
WHY!
why burden me with this?1
is it not unfair?
you *****!!
you THINK i wont worry.
you THINK i'm irresponsible.
you THINK i can make myself devoid of emotion.
you THINK i'm unpreceptive.
even after all i've done...
i'm disappointed.
i thought you knew me better.
i'm wrong, again.
i'm always wrong.
for your highyl primitive brain,
i am all of the above.
i do what others dont.
dont underestimate me.
i make not look alot of things;
but facts still stand.
i am, who i am.
you cant change me,
not many can.
i've tried to,
but i became sorry for doing it.
haha.
this world is so ironic.
when i thought it pushed me for change,
i'm rebuked for my efforts.
hahaha.
i'm amused.
thoroughly amused.
i want to see what other things life can throw at me.
regret is one of it's biggest 'presents' so far.
humility, subservience its next.
subservience to situations, to emotions;
i thought i could control,
but again, i am wrong.
why...?
i ask, in pure, unadulterated agony.
WHY?!
WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME SO?!
why?!
do i really deserve it?
DO I?!
am i just a vessel..?
a vessel for YOUR frustration?!
..it seems like i am.
it seems like i am..
the irony of it all..
one is blissfully oblivious,
and hurtfully ignorant;
and the other,
painfully paranoid,
and antagonizingly perceptive.
why is it me?
why is it always me?
i dont want to bear with this any longer.
if being sorry isnt enough,
i might as well just be rid of my existance,
since no one seems to bother anyway.
and for those PRECIOUS few who do,
i am sorry.
for everything i've done.
i do not deserve you love and acknowledgement.
my dear, dear hotfamily...
i miss you so badly.
oblivion was upon me then,
BLISSFUL oblivion.
i knew nothing,;
and i reveled in the sheer happiness of it..
but the times have changed.
there is a toally new game plan.
we have parted our own ways.
things wont be quite the same anymore.
i never wanted to close that chapter,
but it's all part of acceptance.
and that's what i must learn.
i thought it had already been calibrated within my existance,
but obviously it hasnt.
how do you relearn things you ought to know?
with patience...
woth patience...

so i bid you all a fond farewell..
my memories of you all will be kept in my heart forever.
you dont know how much i miss you guys.
you dont know who much i regret some of the things i said,
some of the things i did.
i wish i hadnt been so stupid.
i lost one companion as it is.
and what a bloody waste.
i wish i wasnt so stupid.
you dont know how much i love you guys,
but that isnt an excuse for being frustrated.
so, guys,
this is where i leave my memories of the old you.
i'm going change it all.
i'm going to right it all tonight.

i love the hotfamily...

I'm sorry for...
1.being petty.
2.being irresponsible.
3.being to f*cking self-centered.
4.thinking i'm something i'm not.
5.disappointing people.
6.making promises i cant keep.
7.not helping, when i can.
8.causing people to worry for something that i'm supposed to be responsible for.
9.pulling others down with me when some one berates me for my my problem.
10.causing people to pay attention to me.
11.causing the world to acknowledge me.
12.causing people probelms because i'm not competent enough.
13.not being able to solve things that i should be able to.
14.not being there when i'm needed.
15.having problems that i should not.
16.being too selfish.
17.not contributing enough.
18.playing too much.
19.not working hard enough.
20.not doing what is expected of me.
21.conflicting other people's interest and opinions.
22.not being subservient to the needs of others.
23.not seeing the things i should.
24.not being the person is should.
25.not getting things done on time.
26.procrastinating.
27.not being smart enough.
28.not being diligent enough.
29.not having enough self control.
30.implicating others.
31.associating with people i'm not worthy of.
32.trying to be someone different.
33.trying to do something out of the norm.
34.trying.
35.changing.
36.every lie i've told.
37.everything i've failed to do.
38.not being the "role model" that i should be.
39.not being perfect.
40.BEING ME.

see?
exactly forty reasons for anyone to hate me.
i bet the class does.
everyone has a reason to.
i bet everyone who knows me does;
they probably can tick off the list
and find all that i am sorry for is true.
i expect not be associated with anyone anymore..
because, that is what i deserve.
i'm glad there are some who have already started the punishement.
carry on,
you dont need approval from anyone,
only the tortured.
and hey,
i'm loving every minute of it.

LEADERS INVESTITURE 2005 ROCKED!
I ENJOYED IT SO MUCH!
KUDOS TO THE EXCO 2005.
I LOVED THE INVEST!(:
THE DANCES ROCKED!(: (:

Life is a series of never ending events.
Most are disappointing, embarrassing and hateful.
that's why no one remembers the good times.
that's why there are more and more cases of depression every year.
people simply have forgotten how to look at the good things in life.
isnt it sad?
we're brought into this world to enjoy it;
but why, then, do we only remember the bad memories?
..unless we were not nrougt here to enjoy the ride.
unlss we were brought here only as a sense of responsibility.
i believe most of us are not.
it cant be.
..or are we really living in denial everyday?
the endless debate in my mind is so amusing.
it's almost schizophrenic.
haha.
there's always this side which tells of the good side of life;
the one which says that life is meant to be enjoyed.
that it's a never ending roller coaster ride,
you only have to sit back and enjoy the ride.
then, there's always the other side.
ever the cynic.
criticising all of life's goodness,
questioning all of its morals.
looking for ways to break the unchaning mindset,
that life is enjoyable.
haha.
i dont know who to believe anymore.
someone i see the positve side of life,
and for once,
life doesnt seem as un-livable as i thought it to be.
but.
there's always a 'but', isnt there?
more often than not,
it's always easier to identify with the miserable side of a person.
the one who looks on he darker side of life,
the one who is lurking in the darkness of your soul.
waiting.
ever waiting;
to consume your soul,
to give you comfort in knowing that life IS bad.
that life is un-livable.
i dont know where this is going,
but i do know one thing.
it takes courage to face life everday.
it take perseverance to wake up in the morning thinkinh that life's gonna be ok for one day.
it takes guts to admit you're scared bout what's going to happen,
yet having anticipation for the new day ahead.
i know all of that;
it's a matter of application.
and those are the skills i lack.

someone once told me that i know the problem and solution to things,
but i just dont do them.
haha.
wise soul, that guy is.
i wonder if he knows them too.
if he does and did..
then, our lives wont be so screwed up,
would they?
wait that was an over statement.
my life was never screwed up.
i just keep thinking it is.
people have worse peoblems than me,
what am i doing then?
pitiying myself?
is it fair to the rest?
haha.i dont think so.
then again, life is unfair.
i hate my life.
it's just too bloody uneventful.

i dont even know what sense i'm making of this.
i need a clearer head.
greater depression.
it's refreshing.
now, i know why i choose it over happiness.

the LIVING of life,
is the hardest thing to do.

The HOTfamily went out today.
to seoul garden.
it just reminded me of how much i miss all of them.
their acceptance,
their whole hearted understanding.
i was brought back to a time where
all of us were together, as one.
where camaraderie was strong,
where all of us loved the other,
just because we were who we were.
there were not many conditions.
just to be who we were.
now, it pains me to see that
we had to go our separate ways.
to our separate classes.
it's just sad that we couldnt stay together,
just a little bit longer,
just a little more time together.
i miss all of them;
each and every one of them.
i miss them for who they represent in my life,
for their contribution to who i am today.
for making me feel like i actually belonged,
for the first time in my life.
for making feel special,
when i know i'm not.
for helping me dsicover who i am,
when i thought i knew all i had to.
for pulling me up,
when i thought i'd stay down forever.
though in different classes now,
it's good to know that they, too,
still miss this odd family.
that they still wish they were in 2m '04.
if i had one wish,
it would be to repeat sec 2 all over again.
2004 held so many special memories.
i didnt ever want to let it go,
but i had to.
life goes on.
but memories stay.

i miss all of you...

daddy - grace
mummy - sarah
step mummy/cousin - ziling
uncle - jazzy
aunty - vivian
step aunty - dolly
cousin - zi yan
sisters - rachel j and ash
step cousin - achala [we'll rebuild things.]
doggie! - audrie
---especially---
laogong - zhen luan
darling daughter - evelyn

i will never forget you guys.
take care always.
i love you all!!

zhen luan's right.
nothing's worth looking for in the past,
everyhthing's worth hoping for in the future.
relfections will come,
and evantually go.
there's no point trying to change the past--
it's impossible.
make the future.
there's still today.
ther's still hope for tomorrow.
"tomorow will be a better day"
why not make TODAY a better day?
it's better then living in the past,
isnt it?
it's better than living in the memory
of pain, embarrasment and anguish.
what's there, then?
mistakes were meant to be made.
things were made to be rectified.
and life goes on;
as it always has.
no point remaining reticent,
if you can speak out and change destiny.
there is no such thing as "fate".
"our future is in our hands".
overly cliche and overrated;
but it still brings meaning to those who search for it;
it still brings significance to situations.
so why no live by THAT mantra?
..of always living for the moment;
not for the past,
not for the future.
but, for this very moment.
as the sands of time pass through the hour glass,
they will never again come back.
every moment counts toward our happiness,
towards our every being.
why not live for THAT,
instead of wallowing of what "could have been",
or what "could be"?
it's fruitless trying to predict the future;
cos our present actions can change all of that in a second.
live for today.
have no regrets tomorrow.
do what you must today,
dont always live in denial that there will always be tomorrow.
you never know when the world will end.
dont leave regrets behind.
they are the things that hold you back,
from going forward.
they are chains to our wrists and ankles,
that lock you to your past.
the key?
in acceptance of that regret;
in determination to move on.
then, only, will the shackles break loose,
and the person set free.
she again, can fly,
fly toward a better tomorrow.
isnt that what we all want?

but,
there is always a "but" to any decision.
this are always easier said than done.
only fools will think it the other way around.
reality beckons us to wake from our slumber of denial.
nothing in this world is perfect.
nothing as remarkable as that can be achieved so fast.
then, how do we conquer the "but"?
i dont know.
i really dont.

that is why life is one big question mark.
the essential answers are missing;
there is no real definition.
we have to come up with them;
experience them;
live them.
only, then, will we appreciate life for what it truly is.
unadulterated joy?
or agony?
the choice is ours.
"our future is in our hands".

no longer the irony of life,
but the discovery of it.

the things people say smoetimes.
haha.
it makes ME laugh at the iront of it all.
they dont want us to conform to tradition,
to conform to the norm.
then, in that case,
what makes them think we will conform to them?
if they are teaching us to rebel against tradition,
then what makes them think we'll alter our mindsets to ONLY rebel against tradition?
it seems incredulous that people have such contradictory thoughts going through their head.
receptive and accepting?
why should we be if you are not yourself?
it seems like a dictatorship to me;
even though you exhort that it isnt.
you actions speak louder than our words.

the hoidays have officialy started.
yet..
why do we find ourselves in school,
or loaded with homework?
arent holidays a time of rest?
a time to wind down before getting even more stressed next term?
that is the COMMON misconception.
the the homework and studying we have to do,
is worse than going to school.
it seems like the holidays are useless.
they're only for show.
a "FARCE".
isnt it?
but no;
no one will admit that.
only cowards like ourselves will talk in hushed tones,
determined to be rid of our greviences.
but it's ok.
there are plenty of cowards in this world,
who do not wish to see the demise of this world.
if everyone were so blatantly tactless,
there would be no relations between anyone.
some just choose to
"grin and bear it".
then, in that case,
can these people be considered cowards?

i find life more and more meaningless.
there're no more perspectives of life to explore;
no more philosophies to question.
common misconceptions have been rectified,
and in my eyes,
everything has been reduced to a standstill;
events have taken a short hiatus.
we humans can only remain reticent and watch the world go by.
we cannot speak out against the world;
no one would listen,
no one would care.
i cant say very many people do, anyway.
ever in the background;
ever watching,
but remaining silent.
no one listens.
self restraint is getting harder.
i thought it never was.
it only seemed fitting that i cnoformed to the needs of the rest.
i'm breaking out of my shell.
i hate life;
the way i see it now.
i hate who i've become;
the person i have to live with the rest of my life.
i have changed.
truly, truly changed.
ltb was right.
i thought i'd never see the day when i would say that.
but that day has come;
i hate it.
i hate everything about it.
i want to go back to who i was,
to the comfort zone i was in.
but no,
time cannot be turned back,
change is the only constant.
it's so sad the way things work--
we want it, yet we cant have it.
and we were supposed to be the ones making the rules.
haha.
how ironic,
how ironic...

every second in the present counts to the past.
every action made affects the future.

the holidays are here again.
how fast time flies.
its such a common phrase,
but people fail to notice it's true meaning.
what have we compleated in term one?
nothing..?
everything..?
it's a highly objective opinion.
but the facts still stand;
OAC's over.
we survived the 1st term of sec 3 life.
is that commendable?
or have we yet to justify our placing as sec 3s?
i dont know.
term one has been full of surprises;
twists and turns that most of us couldnt grasp.
my eyes opened,
large and wide this term.
and,
i t was horrible.
i saw the world as it truly was--
cold, harsh and desolate.
it was devoid of all things happy and warm.
haha.
and i thought the world was a wonderful place.
it is ironic,
the fellacy we were all brought up in;
constantly thinking that the world always offers better, brighter thing.
how wrong we were...
how so very worng.

conflicts.
arent they the things that gear us up for the future?
the harsh and competitive society?
the disappointment we'll face?
the regret we'll often wallow in?
it is true;
they dissolve faster when you face them head on.
face it and move on.
conflicts only make one stronger;
yes, you may lose things that may have been treasured,
but that's the only way anyone grows.
but..
who am i to judge?
i've been running away from conflict my whole life.

Things have definitely cleared up.
it's strange how your perspective of things can just change in an instant.
it's strange how you can view some one in one light,
then another in a spilt second.
sre we human THAT fickle minded?
or is it just me?
..it must be me.
the whole world thinks so anyway.
i guess it will always be
"me against the world";
'cos no one will see anyone,
the way you do.
so what if you have all the perspective in the world?
not everyone will share the same view.
not everyone will see the person through your eyes.
in fact,
no one can see everything the way you do.
it's ultimately..
YOU.
no one else but you.
haha.
i thougt friends would understand everything.
i thought they would always be..there.
but i was wrong.
they can only count for a certain amount of comfort.
the rest of the recovery is up to you.

Everything changes perspective.
Perspective changes everything.
in that case,
shouldnn't we all be subject to ONE perspective,
so one would be offened if theirs were to differ?
or be outcasted because theirs differs from the norm?
but,
our free will is God given.
we should make "full use of it",
shouldnt we?
then comes the reflection of what can we do with it.
somehow it seems like this can only suffice to hurt individuals.
how troublesome.

the irony of life.

upset.
humiliated.
looked down upon.
pitied...?
i DO have an attitude problem.
i guess SHE'S right.
i hate her so much;
but i cant show it.
it wouldnt be "proper" of me.
what can one do then,
to make "ammendments"?
she could cost me my future in Cedar.
we have to prove to her our worth, huh?
prove to her our worth.
she wants the best for us.
of course, she does.

it's so worthless commenting ont his issue.
it's been exhausted more times than words can express.
it's nothing.
there's no point wasting time and tears over her...
right?
i didnt know the CPB suffered so much;
well,
now i know.

death seems better then the reality i have to face;
than the ammendments i have to make.
for one moment of weakness,
i have to pay so much.

death is so much better than this.

Hypocrites.
i'm "supposed" to be sorry as i'm saying this;
but i'm not.
no one's telling them to stop;
they can continue treating the rest like dirt,
like we're invisible.it's ok.
i'm used to it now.
insignificance.
i bet that's how everyone's made to feel in your prescence.
not that it's unusual.
they think you both are spontaneous;
"nice".
i dare not object the common view.

haha.
how ironic.
what goes around,
really DOES come around.
i've treated people like that.
now i have to pay with my own circumstance.
i guess i deserve it.
i guess i do.
"sorry" isnt a panacea.
it doesnt even help anymore.
human forgiveness is a fellacy.
nobody really forgives or forgets.
it's all locked.
just locked.
till the key is found again...

identity crisis?
identity crisis.
living in denial?
..of what?
my social standing?
..what else?
fools care about these superficial things.
i am a fool.
but i'm dont want to be one for any loner.
i want to change;
not care about anything,
not about people's opinions of me.
only for those who matter,
and myself.
never again do i wanna betray those who i have identified with,
those who have accepted me;
all of me.
never again do i wan to try for the acceptance,
i KNOW i wont receive.
i dont want to put my sanity on the line again.
it's already different as it is;
it's already saddening as it is.
i dont want any more shit.
dont expect any more from me.

it's harder to laugh nowadays.
it's been hard all term.
all year;
for the past 2 years.
never did i once think that it would finally be hard to laugh.
it came so naturally...
once.
now,
all is gone.
haha.
the irony of life..
the irony of life..

haha.
sometimes,
it gives you everything,
till it becomes an excess.
most of the time,
it leaves you with nothing,
till nothingness is left in its place.
moderation doesnt exist?
there's not even a need for the word.
everything's a fellacy.
haha.
and they told us to open our eyes to see the world.
the world IS only black and white.
only lenses discolour the vision of the fooled.





the irony of life.

Haha.
what a fool i've been.
how stupid.
how stupid.
i thought some one would understand.
apparently no one does.
haha.
i assume too much,
right?
PEOPLE's actions speak louder than my [ignored] words.
no one cares.
i try to for others.
but what's to be said?
i'm a "hypocrite" after all,
right?
conclusion:
i should just stop trying.
there's no point anyway.

*belle, sining:
i didnt mean anythig.
i just got angry.
please understand.
it's ok if you dont.
i'm subjected to that everyday anyway.

i'm coming into my own.
that's how i like to see it.
but,
i know it's not like that.
ousted.
outcasted.
whatever way you put it,
it's staring at you in the face.
i thought loneliness was my ally.
now,
i'm left staring it face to face.
acceptance.
that's all it takes, huh?
it's true to say the least.
ever the butterfly.
insignificant.
i never realized just how insignificant i was.
..till now.
haha.
gone are the days of complacency.
gone are the days of happiness.
gone are the days of camaraderie.
it was all fake.
everything's fake.
everything's one big lie.
how deluded i was.
what a fool i've been.
i never mattered.
i never existed.
i was just used.
a tool, maybe?
probably.
i realize that now.
what a fool i've been.
what a fool i'll be.
insignificance,
you've found your embodiment.
claim me now.
or whenever you please.
i'll always be waiting.
i've always been.
haha.
no one cares..
no one ever had.
rejected from the world.
outcasted by my own family.
welcome to my life.

but you know what?
i dont want to care anymore.
i act as if i dont,
but i know i do.
but this is where it ends.
all this revolting dependancy.
i've had enough.
i dont want to chase after acceptance anymore.
use me, dump me after that.
i dont care.
i'm not going to.
i'll put on a happy face for you all to see.
to feel like you didnt do anything wrong.
how many people do that?
..or am i being too pretentious?
i guess i am.
i'm thinking people care about of *I* feel.
haha.
what a joke.
you pass me by like i was there by default.
you pass me by like there was nothing wrong.
it's alright.
go and pour your attention on somebody else.
go;
it's alright.
you do that anyway.
dont act as if you care.
i bet you dont.
but..
the day you find you've been deluded..
dont some back to me.
i've been cleared by the rubbish collector.
i'm gone forveer, without a trace.
unwanted and insignificant.
i'm a virus..i'm poison.
avoided.
so..it's ok.
really.
nothing's wrong.
nothing has ever been.

questions.
you think you're all that?
you think you have alot of friends?
...
think again.
you think the world is made up of friends and camaraderie?
think again.
nothing is real.
ultimately,
it's you against the world.
it's black around you.
revel in its serenity.
revel in its unrivaled loneliness.
revel in the numbness.

i dare not ask for anything.
there the bell goes.
the happy face is back on.

hi!!hahaha!!i'm happy today!
i'm always happy!!
and when i am..
please feel free to pass me by!!
it's perfectly fine!!
i'm happy!!
..nothing can phaze me!

or that's what YOU think.

OAC'S OVER.
so many things happened.
the haapy times.
the funny times.
the camaraderie.
but most of all..
the disappoinment.
INSTRUCTORS--
we did what we thought should've been done.
we worked hard together.
we laughed together.
we scolded together.
we ate together.
we belayed together.
we got rashes together.
we died of sun burn together.
we GOT scolded together.
we felt guilty together.
we tried together.
we thought that
"tommorw will be a better day"
together.
we did everything together.
now that OAC's over.
regrets are redundant.
what's done is done, and cannot be undone.
we have achieved nothing, or something?
that view is objective.
but whatever iot is,
i know that we did it together.
we pulled through OAC.
everything..
everything.
the belaying, the hot sun, the bites and rashes,
the annoying resentment from the cammpers from time to time.
the stress from wanting to perform well
[but never really making it?]
it's ok.
it's ok.
yes..
we cried about it.
we talked bout it.
but more than anything in the world,
we felt guilty for it.
but now,
there IS nothing more to do.
if we make the leaders vut,
we'll make it better.
we wont disappoint.
i know we wont.
we just need to..
believe..

friendships found.
bonds strengthened.
i can only revel in the wonders OAC did for our camaraderie.
the RUSHED bath times, the sentry duties,
the pissifying meal times, the fun HIGH E AND TOWER,
the guilt trips during debriefs..
it brought us closer.
i know it.
many of us do.
it's ok.
it's ok.
we all know it.
we all will do it right the next time.
we wont disappoint anymore.
i know it.

"tomorrow will be a better day."

you care.
why?
you bother.
why?
you hope.
why?

i dont know.
but you still do it.
i'm not worth it.
dont bother.
dont do it for me.

i keep telling you.
you wont listen.
why do you cling on to something that you can never have?
belief you say.

belief.

know what?
i believe you.

Brian Mcfadden and Delta Goodrem.Almost here.
Did I hear you right
'Cause I thought you said
Let's think it over
You have been my life
And I never planned
Growing old without you

Shadows bleeding through the light
Where a love once shined so bright
Came without a reason

Don't let go on us tonight
Love's not always black and white
Haven't I always loved you?

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's
Not enough
But when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'Cause you're only almost here

I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh won't you let me

Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Please protect me

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered how it hurts
Haven't I always loved you

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's
Not enough
But when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'Cause you're only almost here

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you

But when I need you, you're almost here
(Well I never knew how far behind I'd left you)
And when I hold you, you're almost here
(Well I'm sorry that I took our love for granted)
(Now I'm with you, I'm close to tears
'Cause I know I'm almost here)
Only almost here

>>the "sad" song.(: it's nice though.

Collin Raye.Love Me.
I read a note my Grandma wrote back in 1923
Grandpa kept it in his coat, and he showed it once to me
He said, "Boy, you might not understand, but a long, long time ago,
Grandma's daddy didn't like me none, but I love your Grandma so.

We had this crazy plan to meet and run away together
Get married in the first town we came to and live forever
But nailed to the tree where we were supposed to meet instead
I found this letter, and this is what it said :

"If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be

But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then
Til I see you again

I'll be loving you
Love, Me."

I read those words just hours before my Grandma passed away
In the doorway of the church where me and Grandpa stopped to pray
I know I've never seen him cry in all my fifteen years
But as he said these words to her, his eyes fill up with tears

"If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be

But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then
Til I see you again

I'll be loving you
Love, Me."

Three Doors Down.Let Me Go.
One more kiss could be the best thing
But one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

You love me but you dont know who I am
I'm tore between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you dont know who I am
So let me go
Let me go

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
When I know what I'm goin through

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

You love me but you dont know who I am
I'm tore between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you dont know who I am
So let me go
Just Let me goo...
Let me go

And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside I know
I knowww..
When all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows
Who knows

You love me but you dont know who I am
I'm tore between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you dont know Who I am
So let me go
Just let me go

>>my mortal is awesome.coaxed me out of my self pity state.so now..my blog's a lyric archive.or at least for a while.these songs are real nice.give them a listen.

Evanescene.Missing.
Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
Maybe some day you'll look up
And barely consious you'll say to no one
Isn't something missing?

You won't cry for my absence I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn't something missing?
isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me not now
Though I'd die to know you loved me
I'm all alone
isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
I know what you do to yourself
I breathe deep and cry out
"Isn't something missing?"
Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me.. not now
Though I'd die to know you loved me
I'm all alone
isn't someone missing me?

And if I bleed, I'll bleed
Knowing you don't care
And if I sleep just to dream of you
And wake without you there
isn't something missing? isn't something....

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me not now
though I'd die to know you loved me
I'm all alone
Isn't something missing
Isn't someone missing me?

swamped.
yet i have to eason to be.
i dont even have many things to do.
so why all this stress?
i dont get this shit.
maybe it's all in the mind,
as the common belief states.
maybe i'm memorizing too much over too short a time.
maybe that's why my brain gives up on me during the crucial moments.
should i, in that case,
stop studying so many rounds?
my mother's always saying i shouldnt.
maybe i finally see that she's right.
fewer rounds of memorization.
better adaptibility to unexpected situations,
less dependance on structured scenarios.
that's good, isnt it?
in that case.
i will stop doing multiple rounds of revision.
focus my energy on sleep
..and lightening up?
or the NYAA?
either way.
the future looks good from where i'm standing.

Why do you see right through me?
Am i so insignificant?
Isn't someone missing me?

4 tests next week.
visitation-packed weekend.
sleep deprived nights.
study-numbed brain.
paraniod being.
introverted recluse.
shunned by society.
outcasted by family.
hated by self.

repititive worries.
unresolved issues.
insomia plagued person.
recluse.
ever the recluse.
wishes to hide it;
succeeds.
no one knows.
no one cares.
no one finds out.
no cause for anyone to find out.

no reason for longing.
no reason for deperssion.
why?
no answer.
continued hiding.
continued facade.
hope for pure depression.
hope for pure numbness.
hope for the facade to discarded.

hope for a gloomier tomorrow.
hope for...

what?


Sometimes I feel like crying
Laying down and dying
That's when I need you
Laughing's always easy,
but sometimes I'm just scared you'll leave me
That's when I feel emotional

the sad teen. Everything in life is f*ckin'
miserable. You constantly look over your
shoulder and wonder who is judging you...even
when you are alone. So naturally, you have
become a little paranoid and pessamistic. Your
personality can be one demensional but
confusing. You are constantly bored with life
and wish that something could spice it up. You
have a unique view on life and have identified
the problems with school society (Ex...what
makes popular people, how the student mind
works...) You would rather be alone because you
hate being hurt. You tend to think that no one
understands you, not even your parents /
guardians / friends. But that is just the
opposite! The people who love you want to
help, but they don't know how because they have
a feeling that they will say something wrong
and turn you away. You have to let them know
that you are willing to hear what they have to
say...and it might do some good to listen to
them.

Some fields you might consider going
in when you are older...Judge, author,
songwriter, producer, therapist, psychologist,
philosopher, or forensic scientist. You need a
job where you can express yourself and your
views on life. Or you need a field where you
can judge others and predict what is going on
in others life. Either way... you have the
personality to get you a good job that will
support you throughout life.


What type of teenager are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

>>..sometimes i wonder if these things were made for people like me.
then again.
nothing revolves round me.
i'm just insignificant.
nothing belongs to me.
so why in the world should i care bout anything?
nobody does bout what i do anyway..

being numb.
how could she have done it?
living with deprssion everyday and finally becoming numb?
..what a wonderful feeling it must be.
to feel nothing but observe everything.
if emotions can hurt one so badly,
wont life be better without them?
i want to live devoid of feelings.
i think it'd be quite great;
your mind kept on ONE single-minded purpose.
no feelings to distract;
only the will to grow stronger.
only the determination of conquer.
feelings only hold one back.
imagine a day where one would live independently--
no feelings,
no needs.
just pull grit and will to continue becoming stronger.
how amazing it will be.
stronger in every aspect.
more control in ever aspect.
no sense of reponsibilty to what one might feel.
nothing to distract you from that prupose to become stronger.
imagine if one could go without eating or sleeping;
only chnating on that mantra of that on that one prupose of one's life.
how amazing it MUST be.
i endeavour to live like that.

but it's sad.
she tries so hard.
she succeeds in becoming numb.
but she's just not strong enough.
like i'm just not good enough for everyone.
she fades into oblivion as time passes by.
insignificant.
like me.
like a butterfly.
we are ever the butterfly.
small, insignificant, insubstantial and forgettable.

sorry guys.i dont think i'm the person you knew anymore.
i cant go back to the way i was.
things change.
people change.
i used to care for what people thought of me.
now i dont.
i'm sorry.

i dont want to feel.
i dont want to need.
i want ot be numb.
a shell of my former hypocritical self.
forever more..
forever more..

i have no right to pity myself.
i have no right to feel stressed.
i have no right to feel sad.
depressed?
am i really?
id ont know anymore.
too much angst.
too much reading.
i'm being absorbed into a world that is not my own.
i am ebing absorbed into an alternate world of fiction,
not reality.
in that world,
i'm different.
who knew one person can be so different?
i thought i was true to myself.
now i know why people lie to themselves.
in front of the masses,
i'm one person.
behind the facade,
WHO AM I?
is this a case of an identity crisis?
or am i caught in my own web of trickery?
i never meant to hurt anyone.
i never meant to gain enemies.
i never meant to be fake..
..but i guess we huamans dont plan for alot of things.
i wanted to please.
i wanted SO MUCH to be the person i protrayed myself to be.
but yet..
who am i?
and now,
i am scared.
so very afraid.
2 very different people.
morose and indifferent.
bubbly and ever-pleaser.
i long to be the latter.
but i'm caught now in a dimension where i am both.
slowly,
people are seeing through it.
looking past me,
into my other self.
and they hate it.
who am i to complain.
it's my fault anyway.
i should have been a complete loner from the beginning.
i always knew i was one anyway.
the insecurity is unbearable.
when will i finally give in?
the minutes are ticking away.
i know my true revealing isnt far away...

leave me alone.
ALL of you.
i dont deserve your attention...

Chinese new year's here again.
will it be the same as last year?
will anything be the same again?
we dont know, do we?
..of course not.
but i hope for my sanity's sake,
it's not gonna be the same.
i set targets.
i disappoint myself each time.
sometimes i dont see the point in setting them.
afetr all..
i'll just disappoint myself again.
so what's the f***ing point?
i dont get why we're even living sometimes.
if life is so disappointing,
shouldnt we just end it all..
..NOW?
nothing matters anymore.
i frankly dont pay any attention to anything anymore.
but despite all that..
..i'm never good enough.
some people are just so lucky.

how i hate that feeling..
but i never seem to be able to escape it.
you spend and give so much devotion,
but you're NEVER good enough.
it starts of as a small nagging feeling;
small, insignificant.
then it grows and snowballs.
it's hard to imagine how something so insignificant can balloon into something of such emotional trauma.
it feeds on optimism,
thrives on achievement
and grows with disappoinment.
what a good host i must be.
well, at least it's something i can be proud of.

pathetic.
life's pathertic..

I'M PATHETIC..

Current friends.
old friends.
acquaintances.
new enemies.
..new friends?

is that what friendship's all about?
some times i wonder.
i really wonder.
i don't know what to think anymore.

i've changed.
you've changed.
the world 's changed.
time's moved on.
to stay?
to go?
i'm not playing the same game anymore.
the ball's in YOUR court.
whatever decision you make;
live with it.
cos i know that whatever i get,
i'll get over it.
some how.
i know i will.
that only leaves you.
take my friendship;
smash it,
trample on it,
throw it away.
i don't care anymore.
it's all about you.
i'll get over it.

..will you?

Enough.
I'm done with self pity.
I'm done with anger.
Bring on everything else;
cos now i know who i can count on;
now i know who won't cause me agony;
i know who treasure my friendship.
so thank you.
i really do.

Sec 3 life;
i never expected it to be so different..
..so tough.
i thought i could handle anything after sec 2.
i guess i was wrong.
and it's not even bad for me;
it's so much worse for others.
i cant understand how anybody can survive all this shit.
it's already in to the 5th week.
ONLY the 5th week,
of the first term,
of the whole year.
SURELY things can't look THAT bad, right?
generalization doesn't do any good.
i can only hope that things look up;
that things will go back to a certain normality;
that things won't look so doomed fo some,
that things won't look too much for others.
Sure;
the work's harder,
there's more to study,
there're more activities.
but that doesnt mean a person cant be happy,
right?

i guess i cant say anything much to help those in distress;
cos i, frankly, dont have much.
i guess i'm too selfish and petty sometimes;
complaining bout simple things,
that others don't have the luxury to complain about.
wellt ehn.
enough complaining,
enough self pity.
on with work.
no more excuses for failing to reach ANY goal.
i wont be able to live it down if i do.

*hey zi:
know you're kinda stressed now..
but lighten up yeah?
dont look so down..it scares people.
but i know it's hard to look happy all the time.
take it from me.
so i hope for your sake,
that whoever's problems can be setlled;
and that that bitch will just leave the others alone.
and again i say..
you're strong zi;
believe me, if it's the last thing you do.

*hey CAMPFIRE UNDERSTUDY:
know it's mean calling you like that,
but you really deserve that respect for the shit you've handled so far.
again i say..
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!
whatever happens,
DON'T, i repeat, DON'T,
EVER develop a black face,
looks spooky on your normal face.
abd hey;
whatever it is..
handle one thing at a time.
that's how anything will be completed, yeah?
add oil, add oil.

*the third person:
you know who you are.
i told you already.
call me a hypocrite if you like,
but i guess i'm only good at helping people,
and being a burden to those helping me, eh?
and since YOU'VE made the decision,
don't EVER back down on me.
i WILL not survive,
understand?

*sum1:
it's been a long time, huh?
and yes,
i guess everything's good between us now.
not so good on the surface,
but settled beneath that, i hope?
i dont know what happened in the past;
i farnkly dont care.
it was angry,
it was regretted.
so i hopw you forget it too.
and whatever problem it is.
i give you my promise.
i will try and help you,
whatever it is;
only YOU have to let me.

*lilin:
THANKS DARLING FOR BEING SO SWEET!!
thanks for all those encouragement tags.
they really help.
let me know that at least there's SOMEONE
who accepts me,
for who i am;
not who they THINK they see.
it's comforting.
so thanks.
and with AHEm,
it's hard, yes,
but yu gotta get over AHEM sooner or later.
maybe closure lies in the yet-to-be-made phone call,
give it thought, yeah?

*belle:
thanks for the encouragement too!
don't know how you handle it too.
you can seem so pissed for a moment,
but the next,
you're belle again.
wierd, dont you think?
thanks for everything.
call me up when you wanna study again, yeah?
and p.s.
WE STILL GOT OUR REPORT TO DO!!

life is an obstacle course;
life lines, like your harness,
are your family.
holding you safe, no matter what comes your way.
they're always there with you through,
be it during HIGH elements, or simple climbing.
keeping you safe, not letting you fall.
friends ar like spotters,
they prevent you from hurting yourself too badly on the outside.
giving your timid heart a boost from the inside.
yet some spotters arent trustworthy.
they let you injure yourself.
the TRUE spotters are those who are with you,
in the rain, and through your fear.
and most important of all.
God is like the belayer.
He is the one who prevents your death;
you just have to trust and depend on Him.
but through EVERYTHING.
you KNOW He can be trusted.
you KNOW that He will make it all better..
..you only need to ask.

Life goes on.

why?
why?!
i know it's not about you;
it's me.
it's always me.
no shadow of a doubt.
it's always me.
i'm sorry.
but i cant always be.
i cant go on living like i've got debts to be paid.
yes;
i owe you BOTH an apology.
i'm sorry.
but from now on,
i'm no longer going to be.
i've had enough.
no more mental thrashing.
no more mental replaying of conversations.
no longer am i going to regret
ANYTHING I SAID TO YOU!!
so take it or leave it.
my sanity is on the line.
if you choose to leave it,
it's fine by me.
i'm becoming more of the person you see me as anyway;
heartless, cold and proud.
i COULD be all that.
you see me as all that.
i bet you both do.
and YOU.
do you not think i worry too?!
it's not always about you.
YOU.
always breaking down.
sympathy drawn like an eternal spring.
guising me as a scapegoat for your incapacity.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH.
i leave you to your own devices.
my friendship is but a thin thread;
i'm still holding on.
will YOU both??

and you.
thank you.
i cannot say anything to express my gratitude.
i pushed you away.
you came back knowing i could do it again.
till i pushed you to your max.
and now,
you gone away.
for good.
i cant blame you.
i'm sorry;
i failed to see who were truly important.
and now,
i will spend the rest of my time regretting it.
so if you choose to cut those threads;
please know that you're leaving behind something;
no one will ever see again.
only will i regert what i did to YOU.
and no one else..
and no one else...

Life goes on...
really?

Suffering.
Pain.
Agony.
Loss.
Oblivion.

Sacrifice.
Hate.
Anger.
Desperation.
Recklessness.

Loss.
Rejection.
Regret.
Anger.
DEATH.

...peace.

I can't give up,
I can't give in to temptation,
I can't stop trying.
I must not.

Then what am i doing?

I'm not ready to lose yet--
am i really?
or have i already stopped trying?
my determination's leaving me,
abandoning me.

Why does everybody leave me?
Why don't i have any one for myself?

...the facts are quite plain.
acceptance eludes me.

Am i not prety enough?
...Is my heart too broken?
...Do i cry to much?
...Am i too outspoken?
I THOUGHT i made you laugh,
...should i try it harder?

Why do you see right through me?

Stress.
it's comsunming us, more and more each day;
devouring us from within,
relishing in victory at our distress,
laughing when we break down from it.
day by day, we TRY to survive.
barely crawling out of its grasp;
wounded and exhausted.
is THIS the kind of life we wanna life?
..is THIS the kind of life i wanna live?!
sometimes i just feel like throwing it all away;
throwing all known caution to the wind;
only to TRULE enjoy pure, unadulterated freedom.
but we cant do that, can we?
it's always the same questions,
always the same answers.
all are cold hard facts.
we cant run away from them.
..or can we?

it's always pile of work,
after pile of work.
and after all that, you still have REVISION to do.
and no..it's not like revision in the past when one chpt's so short;
it's LONG, chunky sections that need to memorized.
TORTURE.
that's what it is;
torture.
i wonder if there will EVER be a day when we can forget bout all this--
forget bout work.
forget bout expectations.
forget bout stress.
there will NEVER be a day,
will there?
then, if that is the case..
what are we living for?
to be killed SLOWLY everyday?
i'd rather not.

physical pain might just be the answer;
might just be the connection between the psycological mortification
and physical inadequacy to cope wtih the mental torture of it all.
who, in their "right mind" will know, right?
because people in their "right mind" don't self inflict, right?
then what if the roles are reversed?
couldn't the people who self inflict be in their "right minds"?
there must be one point or another in out lives we can identify with those "outcasts";
their desperation.
their bleak outlook on life, perhaps?
perhaps that is the reason why more and more are self inflicting these days.
maybe they are TRULY the ones in the "right mind".
'cos they know what it means to connect between physical and mental pain.
maybe we are the ones living in the "matrix" that is our lives,
maybe we need to take that trip back to the REAL world.
maybe, just maybe.
i could be wrong;
but there's no harm trying,
RIGHT?

There you go
You never ask why
It's all a big lie
Whatever you do

You think you're special
But I know and I know and I know
And we know
That you're not

You're always there to point out
My mistakes
And shove them in my face
It's like I'm the one you love to hate
But not today

"To protect someone special to you"

Just finished the report.
the end of the WHOLE induction package.
i'm glad that's over and done with.
lloking back --always remembering, never regretting

i wonder what it's like to "never regret"
man, that person must be living on cloud 9 everyday;
carefree--free from all the bondages of regret--
i wonder how that feels.
i want to feel that.
i want to live by that everyday.
but..i bet it's humanely impossible.
everyday's a new "regret",
and i must spend the rest of y life wondering how i COULD havemade it "perfect".
ironic, aint it?
TRYING to live evryday to the fullest, but never really reaching there?
every every other adjective pertaining to "good" would be quite redundant, right?
if one chooses to live with regrets, there will never be truly ANY day she'll feel at ease,
or happy.
and nothing would seem "good" anymore, would it?
i wonder.is regret out to destroy us?
take our huamnity and happiness from us?
..or is it just us?
and our preconception to the word "regret"?
does regret mean not getting a piece of homework done?
or just not seeing that person you had meant to see today?
what does "regret" mean?
i believe it varies according to standard.
according to each and everyone's different standards, opinions and justifications.
but one thing still stand..
regret deprives us of happiness.
the happiness we try so hard everyday to derrive from our depressing schedules.
is it really that hard?
or is it all a fellacy?

regret.
i draw a line on this very day;
to eridacate you from my life..
from our lives.
you can take all you want;
but leave us after you do.
dont pollute minds any longer.
what is done is done,
and nothing can be changed.
only you make us THINK it can.

//Bless your sweet mistakes,
That crumble you dowm to your knees,
They brought you to this place,
Changed you by degrees.//

The start of another week of school.
week 3.
people are just starting to get into the groove of things;
less blurr sec 1s,
more studious sec 3s.
that's what i've noticed anyway.
it seems apparent that the whole level's been mugging the whole of the new term.
it's getting quite serious.
it's quite incredulous to think that we're already working our asses off in the THIRD week of school, for crying out loud.
what's gonna happen nearer the EYEs?
the situation would be too horible to picture.

And it seems that bug has hit me, too.
studyinf for tests everyday,
planning a STUDY TIMETABLE, even now!
only brings back bad memories from the past that i tried to erase.
who would've thought our level was capable of this?
WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT!
i'm sure i wouldnt.
but now it's staring at us in the face;
daring us to take on it's challenge,
set new goals,
soar to higher peaks.
but..
are we ready?
that question often plagues my conscience.
are we REALLy ready?
it's hard to tell..
it's hard to tell..

From a favourite fanfic of mine:
//Bless your sweet mistakes
That crumble you down to your knees
They brought you to this place,
Changing you by degrees
When change was just what you needed
Pop the cork, a champagne glass
Raise to the future, drink to the past
Thank the Lord for the friends He cast
In the play he wrote for you//

i love the new template.
yes, i'm not ready to lose...
to myself,
to my expectations.
and i'm not gonna lose this year.

the song is haruka kanata.
it's the 2nd theme song from naruto.
it RAWKS.
the pic is of sasuke..
the REALLY cool dude from naruto.
he doesnt wanna lose too.
guess that's something we have in common...

Second week back in school...
and it's hectic already.

OAC preparations on the morning --tiring, but fun.makes PE lessons worth looking forward to.being an instructor; when's too fierce, and when's being too lenient?
Lessons during the day --fun.LOADS of things to learn, memorize and study.i wonder how ANY senior could have survived sec3 life.then again, learning in itslef is a fun and never-ending process..what more could i bargain for?..it's the studying and 5 tests in a week that are bothering me.to make it worse?no MYEs.wonderful.now the EYEs will be even more stressful and even MORE packed with regurgitated facts.it's gonna be a long year.

i recall last year..i wasnt doing much of anything last yr during this time.i was probably sleeping my afternoons away..or reading my fanfics..now..it's a different story.it's amazing what one year can do to you.it must be even tougher for the sec4s.
it's gonna be tough this yr..VERY tough.OAC,PC duties and work commitments?..how to juggle them all effectively?..i need to learn.i REALLY need to learn.respect is automatically given to any being that can manage all that PLUS cca.

Better get back to working/studying/revising/doing my homework.whatever you call it..it's STILL hard.

i wonder if you still remember me..
it seems like you dont.sad.
but i've moved on..
and so have you.
just wanted to wish you a happy birthday..
where ever you are...

The induction ceremony was today.and..
EVERYTHING ROCKED!
we received so much good feed back and the parents were so pleased and the pupils did everything on cue and EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT!
it was TRULY amazing to see the product of ur hardwork unfold NICELY in front of ur eyes..cliche..but SO TRUE!!..it was TRULY amazing..
no more sms!haha!
i wanna thank..
EVERYBODY WHO HELPED OUT!!
THANKS YOU GUYS!!WE WOULD NEVER W\HAVE SURVIVED WITHOUT YOU..MOST OF THE CREDIT SHOULD GO TO YOU GUYS!!!!(:
and to BELLE!
who stood by me through sms and ALL the rehearsals..despte ** ****..dont worry belle..it'll work out!!(: wo yong yuan zhi chi ni!(:

very happy..but tired.(:
today rocked.

|||CLASSIFIED|||
Induction cermony's tomorow.hope eveything goes well.i NEED everything to go well.belle and i do..whatever it takes to preserve our sanity.
SMS.
that dreaded word.
i bet he doesnt know how much shit she's put us through.
i bet he doesnt know how much belle put into this PROPOSAL!
i bet he doesnt know that we ALSO feel pain if the ceremony cocks up!
it's so blatant for EVERYONE to see, YET only HE cant seem to see it.
so what if we disappointed by "making you do alot for this ceremony"?
yes, i admit we disappointed a little..but we didnt ask you to solve it FOR us, did we?!
we wanted OUR hard work to be the thing that puts the rest through THIS ceremony!
but did we have that priviledge?that right?
i'm sorry to say..no.
if you wanna impose, do it all the way.dont make us bleed out our souls just to cook up some proposal and *** ***** that will eventually be chucked aside as shit anyway.
dont do that to us.dont to that to the leaders.every soon, we'll all have enough.
let's see what anyone can do then.
i thought you were diplomatic and just..
guess appearances can be deceiving.
hang in there belle, only one more day to go.
and just ignore tomorrow.let it sail past ur ears.
i already know what's gonna be said anyway.

to someone:
u cant expect me to change overnight.i am who i am.there's nothing else to me.if you dont like it, i wont force you to stay.leave if you need to.but remember that i didnt mean some things i said..and i'll try.but i cant assure you anything.call me whatever you want.i dont really care..i'm different from when you first met me.take it or leave it.

Looking back --always remembering, never regretting.that's how i wanna live my life.too bad though..life isnt what all we want, is it?keh.nothng can ever go as perfectly planned.life is an illusive thing; can philosophers truly grasp its concept or TRUE meaning?i dont think so..it's objective.no point trying to define it, or understand it.it's just there..a cause for joy?a cause for pain?..you decide.i decide.it's not easy, especially when they're so many expectations from so many people..disappointment everyday..WASTED effort..and people who think they're doing somthing to help..yet are not.i hate those people.i hate those things.but what can we do?nothing.simply nothing.only acceptance of the fact and the willingness to move on are all the options we have left available.whatever it is..i know one man cant change overnight.i know that there's much more to a person, than meets the eye.disappointing, rewarding?CHOOSE.decide.i dont have the authority to impose on that decision.take it or leave it.see if i care.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
MAY ALL YOUR WISHES AND DREAMS COME TRUE IN THE NEW YEAR.
MAY YOU ACHIEVE ALL YOU WANNA ACHIEVE THIS YEAR.
MOST OF ALL..MAY YOU RISE AGAIN WHEN YOU FACE ADVERSITY.
GOD BLESS.