That's it, you know?
if you don't wanna give it a shot, it's cool with me.
i've had enough of clinging on PATHETICALLY.
it's ok, really.
go on with ALL your lives.
you five DISGUST me sometimes.
i expected so much..
haha.i guess i expected too much, huh?
and NO ONE could fit the bill.
then again, who am i to expect so much?
i am a NOBODY, right?
i guess humans are like that;
natuarlly selfish.
well then, if YOU ALL can be selfish,
why can't i?
not saying that i wasn't in the past,
but i'm talking MORE selfish;
total disregard for YOUR affairs,
ignorance of YOUR feelings.
plain and blatant disregard for your EXISTANCE.
would you all like it?
hmmm, especially, YOU?
i guess you..WOULDN'T, right?
ahhh.that brings me to my next point;
then why did you do it to others?
i can only tell a biased tale,
but from my point of view,
you're doing it to EVERYONE.
and if you know me well enough,
(though i doubt you do)
you will know that i don't take these things lying down.
i'm stubborn and foolhardy,
but that's who i am.
and sometimes, being who i am gets me somewhere.

i though that we could hold on forever,
i guess not.
it IS just a cycle, is it not?
realization, depression, then anger.
i won't let the cycle start again.
i won't be THIS foolish again.
to think i actually TRUSTED you guys.
HAHA.joke of the century.
it's funny, really funny.
my sides are splitting at the hilarity of it all.
well then, i've had my laugh,
and now, things'll go back to the way they used to be.
only now, you won't see me as a shadow anymore;
i'll be gone.

ever wondered how some people can stay in touch forever?
i guess you guys have WONDERED,
perhaps even KNOWN,
but you just didn't make the effort, huh?
well done!
ALL of you contributed to the WONDEFUL state of our HOTs.
BRILLIANT!
i just want to congratulate all of you;
on losing faith on THEM,
on only looking for them for your selfish needs,
on not making the effort.
that's it, you know?
the final straw.
i'm probably not the person for the job,
but that ain't stopping me,
since NO ONE'S being doing it.
this IS the last of illusions.
this IS the final trace of innocence.
it's OVER.

tsk, then again, who am i to say all this?
i am but a LONELY, MISERABLE prick,
engulfed by a sea of GIANTS.
well, well.
let the miserable prick be,
she's going to disappear any time soon anyway.

sometimes, i wonder why i'm not dead.
most times, i don't see a reason,
and i wish that i was.
sometimes, life SEEMS so much better to be dead;
unfeeling, unknowing.
then i think,
"what's after death?"
and i remember that my soul will still exist.
and i don't dare to climb over the ledge.
it's pathetic, isn't it?
the only thing holding me back from suicide,
is the thought of hell AFTER death.
it's ridiculous i have to REMIND myself not to think about
climbing over the edge,
or taking a pair of sciossors in hand.
it's funny, it really is.
too bad most people don't think so,
and think that it's a plea for attention.
sigh, i pity those people;
they only know how to judge,
they don't really know how to feel.

it's ironic, sometimes.
you decide to give something up,
but yet the attempt backfires when you get something back.
it's ridiculous, yet it's happening.
irony, plain irony.
haha, life DOES love to throw you for a loop, doesn't it?
well, i'll cling on for the ride.
i want to see what life can do FOR me;
no longer what life can do TO me.
i've seen the effects, and now, i'm ready.
i'll enjoy it this time,
not one thing can stop it.

i'll walk away, if i need to.
stay, if i want to.
laugh, if i have to.
it's all about making the right choices,
and sicking with the decisions.
i won't bend toward what i SHOULD do, anymore.
it's all about my impulse.
i will do what i think i should;
not what others think i should do.
so what if i'm left out again?
i'll just find other company.
inferiority is something i don't want to have to deal with again.
i'll just find others who make better worth of my time.
or energy.
it's evident that some don't care,
because i'm "that type of person".
so if nobody gives a shit,
why should i freaking care?!
haha.i see it now.
manipulated and foolish;
that's what i've been.
i won't be that person again.
no longer, no longer.

i'll do what i need to;
word hard,
laugh hard.
i don't "play".
it'll only lead to disastrous consequences,
since i don't know the game.
so i'll laugh, by the sidelines.
laugh at those who choose to be blinded,
laugh at those who are lying to themsleves.
laugh at the rule-makers.
i was once like them;
phony and insecure.
maybe, i still am,
but now, i know.
and now, i'll make an effort to change.
no one deserves to make the rules of your life.
i'm making mine, MYSELF.

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

i have a confession to make.
i've been lying about everything i believed in,
everything i said i would do.
i KNEW, but i didn't believe.
i kept lying to MYSELF,
that i knew and that i WOULD change the situation.
i guess, in some ways i did.
but for the majority, i didn't.
all that's gonna change.
i hope that this time,
when i say it,
i'll actually mean it, and believe it.
and that this time around,
everything i want happening, WILL happen.
i hope i won't disappoint,
nor will i face disappontment again.
it's gonna be real this time.

acceptance;
it's the hardest thing in the world,
but once it's done,
the rest will follow smoothly.
i guess that's what i need to do;
accept the truth.
i've been blinded by SELF deceit for too long,
it's time to make ammendments.

it's been quite busy lately;
the ending of one thing,
leads to the beginning of another.
new knowledge, new understanding, new decisions.
now i know alot more,
now i know what i must do.
it's not a matter of 'can i? or 'should i',
but a matter of 'i must.
full stop.
i've left too many questions unanswered in my life,
and i'm paying the price for it now.
as they say,
'once bitten, twice shy'.
i won't commit the same mistake twice.
so now, i'm answering all the question marks in my life,
and i'm taking a stand now.
i can't afford to sway with the wind anymore.
my back's been pushed too far backward.

so it's my fault, again.
i'm sick of this.
i hate pretending.
but it seems like that is the only thing that i've been doing around you.
maybe telling you was a wrong move,
i don't know,
because you NEVER TELL ME ANYTHING.
and need to know what and why you feel.
i'm sorry if i made you angry,
or hurt you (though i SERIUOSLY doubt the occurance).
i doubt you're even reading this.
but, if you are,
please know that i'm really sorry.
i never meant to hurt,
i was just so angry,
and i didn't know what else to do.
i guess sometimes,
you have to take a step back to move in the right direction.
maybe i need to let you go,
as you have so long ago.
i was just too stubborn, huh?
it's gonna be hard,
but..
if it makes you happy.

goodbye, **** ****..

you.
thanks for pulling me aside on friday.
i guess it's like that;
no matter how bleak it looks,
i think it's better this time round;
don't ask me why,
i just..feel that way.
maybe it's because we're more willing to talk,
maybe it's because i understand more.
or maybe it's because i finally understand what you mean when you say you can't trust anybody.
i finally get it.
i really do.
thanks for enlightening me.

you
you continue to disappoint me, don't you?
i gave you one chance.
you threw away the remaining two.
i thought you would have picked up on the part of
'reading between the lines'.
you keep telling me you can't let me go,
but you what?
you're lying.
everyone is,
it's just that your is so obvious.
and maybe you've finally opened my eyes;
and i see how blind i've been.
is this really the end of it?
ask yourself.
because i'm only willing to make sacrifices if you are.

life's just such a freaking mess.
and i'm sick of being cryptic and beating round the bush.
if everyone thought a little more like that,
the world might be a better place.
then again,
you can never be too sure.
so we'll take out chances,
and hope that we can get if,
if and when we do fall.

don't abandon me, you three.
i need you guys, now, more than ever.

it's done.
maybe now, you WILL understand.

i've degraded myself because of you.
i've lost myself because of you.
i've CRIED because of you.

but you've never known;
you don't know;
and you never will.

bitch.

and now, i'm done with you.
no more running away.
like a blade through the heart,
i continued living as if nothing had happened.
because techinically, nothing did.
everytime i saw you,
that blade drove deeper and deeper.
but you never knew, huh?
even if you did, i wouldn't be worth your attention, right?
i knew it, you selfish bitch.
so now, the blade is coming out.
i'm pulling it out.

fuck you.
i will hate you one day.
mark.my.words.

"Let's just pretend that i've moved on, and that life goes on without you."

"Tear myself open, i sew myself.
my weakness is that i care too much.
and my scars remind me that the past is real.
tear my heart open; just to feel".

"i can't help you fix yourself".

and so i move on.
i have to let you go.

you.
you ask me if i know you.
i don't.so, you give up on me?
i'm saying i'm completely innocent,
but take a look;
a self examination if you please.
it's not me anymore,
i don't want to tangle in these issues.
i think now, more than ever,
it's YOU.
so you'll have to think your way out of this one.
i'm stepping back,
and you'll never see me again,
unless you want to.

you.
selfish bi*ch.
you told me everything,
i listened.
true, i told you things too,
but why is it,
when i thought i could depend on your listening ear,
you disappeared?
is this really so one sided?
you do all the talking?
and i just listen?
is this what it's all about?
if it is,
then i take back all my words,
and state instead that i sorely regret knowing you.

you pushed me to harden my heart,
to suck it in and rough it out.
now, i am what you wanted me to be.
i will cling no longer.
i will detach.
because that is what you've always wanted me to do,
and now, i'm granting you your wish.

maybe all the decisions i've made in the past 6 months were wrong.
maybe i've been making all the wrong choices all this time.
but now, i'm wide awake.
eyes open, pupils dilated.
i see everything.
i'm no longer blind of soft.
i try to be impartial, unbiased.
and now, i can judge better.
maybe some people have always been there.
maybe there are some who deserve more of my attention.
maybe there are some who don't deserve my attention at all.
the dawn is breaking,
i see the light;
all are coming out in the open.
i see everything,
so i will not be fooled.
not by YOU, you or you.

i'll step out of your lives,
all three of you.
two because you apparently don't want me there,
and one, cos i can't be bothered anymore.
i.am.different.
i am who you never knew.
i am who you'd never expect.
so, watch out.
i'm not holding back this time.

Launching into the skies;
soaring, believing.
i can make it,
i know i can.

Arching over the horizon;
great revelations, awe.
i've never seen the world from this angle,
it's beautiful.

Plummeting into descent;
insecurity, fear.
when did it change?
how could i have been so blind?

Rocketing toward the ground.
Numb, devoid of feeling.
this is my doom,
i accept.

Does it kill you;
..to pay that morsel of attention?
would it kill you;
..to give more than a passing glance?

then again,
i was never a person.
just an apparition.
a phomtom of the past,
ghost of the present.
i some how ceased to exist.
have i even existed?
people saw through me.
i am glass;
fragile and transparent.
i wonder if i'm human.

numb,
i want to feel pain.
it's a reminder that i'm not fake,
it's a reminder that i can feel.
and it's the only thing that keeps me from crying.

Ploughed too deep in your world,
you're oblivious to me.
i'll be selfish, cos frankly, no one cares.
Buried too deep in your problems;
you ignore my presence.
I'll be brutally honest, cos no one bothers.
I offer you my existance, but i am a pest.
I wonder what tore us apart.
Were we even tight?
I doubt so;
nothing else matters to you.
So, we'll have it;
I won't bother, so won't you.

And you.
I thouhgt you could read between the lines,
but apparently, you can't.
I thought you ceased being selfish,
but obviously, you were, are, and always will be.
I know your classmates suck,
but you're no better.
Excuse me if i don't feel like discussing your problems,
cos frankly, i, too, am selfish.
And unfair deals won't cut it.

'I've had it'.
Repeated too many times,
and now, meaningless.
Have i really had it?
Perhaps.
Screw the world.
Give me pain.

3rd November 2004
[i just read jazzy's blog.her msgs were SO super sweet.felt really inspired to do the same.so here goes nothing...

Jazzy:
heya..thot it was SUPER sweet what u did for all of us.
will never forget those eyes.
will never forget ur china accent thingy.
will never forget the sarcasm.
will never forget the times when u were there for me.
will never the times when we went to each other's house.
will never forget the snake fight u had with my sis.
will never forget u..love ya LOADS and miss u to bits!!
we WILL stay as close next yr.never doubt it.

Zi:
hey darling step mummy!!!!ok let's c...
will never forget that smile, and how it just seems to make u wanna smile too.
will never forget how u took control of the survey section of our IPW and how u RAWKED that section.
will never forget the studying for chinese we always seemed to be doing..but look zi!!it paid off!!(:
will never forget ur positive attitude towards everything, even when things seemed hopeless.
will never forget the valuable advice u gave regarding some issues that i couldnt seem to solve myself.
will never forget the times when we bitched together and how u would just listen to my crap bout some ppl.
thank you for EVERYTHING dearie, will NEVER forget you!!(:

Aud:
haha..will never forget the DOGGIE!!!!!
the spasticness,
the pervertedness,
the cute air bout u,
ur drawings and how u SINGLE HANDEDLY saved our art sale,
ur design for our IPW logo(: ,
everything about u!!i dont wanna c you go..it's just sad man..just so sad.

Grace:
HEyyy daddy!!i will never forget..
the time when u stayed up till 4 to accompany me studying my science,
the times when u said it was possible for me to get some studying done, when i thot i couldnt,
for discussing liu xin hua yuan and the like,
for the times when we used to sompare what we got done in the category of revision, etc..
ur retardedness and how funny ur laughter is.
how SERIOUS u can become when u mean business..ie the enterprise challenge.great job by the way...
how horrible u are to mummy!!!haha..just kidding..but i WILL neevr forget how u and mummy ALWAYS seem to be "fighting"
i DUH..definitely wont forget u.and i haf a feeling u made it..i tink u made it to trip sci.it all paid off rite?haha..will miss ya LOADS.

sarah:
hey mummy!!ok..mummy is..
super crappy.
super loud.
loVES hugs and sign of umm..affection.
super crazy.
super funny when she quarrels with daddy.
very encouraging..esp during the getting back papers part ;) thanks.
very..different.
can never forget you.WILL never forget you and WILL miss u always.muacks!!<- sign of affection.

Vivian:
hey vi.i know u're probably never gonna read this BUT..i haf ALOT of things to thank u for.
1.for always reminding me what a child of God REALLY is.
2.how u could ALWAYS be counted on for an encouraging word or a prayer.
3.how u always seemt o be on tops of things even when the world seemed to be crashing down on the rest of us.
4.how u managed to calm me down. despite all the anger and vulgarities i had.
5.for always understanding even though i didnt haf to the words to convey how i felt.
6.for always being vi.the avid turtle lurrver and the serious, but SOMETIMES crappy person u are.
i WILL never forget you.hope we always remain good friends and no matter what probelms you haf, ALWAY, always remember that God is guiding you where ever u go..and hey.if everything DOES crash down on u..i'm onli a sms away...

Dolly:
hello step aunty!!i never did get to know u well enough, did i?
but..thank you..
for eing crappy.
for being dolly.
for being encouraging when i hit a pitfall in my academic life.
for being dolly aka the maid in denial and aka the cloned sheep.
for being a reliable tresurer.
for making my life easier whn it came to money.
for making those 3 AWESOME cheesecakes for the chalet!!!goodness.thay rawked man.haha..thank you dolly for being YOU.i will never forget the crappy one, cos u only add on to the list of crappt ppl in my life (: thanks.

Evelyn:
regardless of whether u read this or not..this is what i'm gonna remember you for:
1.ur smatrty pants-ness.
2.ur astounding intelligence
3.ur calm nature despite all stuations.
4.ur creativity.
5.ur take charge attitude when it came to handling things.
6.the MANY sacrfices u had to make for our class.
7.the way u study.OH MY GOODNESS.it's amazing.mind-blowing..whatever good adjectives come into mind.
8.the way u handle the hawk dance.man, u didnt know how many bloody times i gave up on the bloody dance.but hey..look at it now ;) we'll do great tomorrow..(:

Ash:
HEy sista!!haha..ash is one hardworking asss.i will never forget..
1.how much u mugged.
2.how many assessment bks u had.
3.how much u pushed urself for the exams.
4.ur crappiness.
5.the way u ticked rachel off and how she ticked u off in return.
6.how funny u 2 are.
7.how we used to go home last time, and how we crapped all the way.
wont forget ya ash..lova ya always!!(:

Rachel:
heyy..i haf so many thins to say.umm..i love ya because:
1.rachel rawks. <- ring any bells
2.ure always so sure of what u were going to do.
3.ure always to freaking confident. esp when talking to saphire or jia ying etc.
4.u were and still are..my CCA BUDDY!!!haha..i rmbed last yr when i wanted to change cca and gym closed doen..and how we made a deal to join the same cca as the other.(: or sthg like that.
5.how comforting u were during the checking of papers.i will NEVER forget how u told me everything was in God's hands and how everything was going to be alright.i could NEVER forget how i felt that time.no words to describe it.
6.u ALWAYS checked my papers first and were encouraging no matter what.you know what?ure my LUCKY charm..cos all..or almost all..of the papers u checked..were..umm..good!!(: thanks darling for always checking those papers for me and thank you for always being there for me.
7.ure so CRAPPY.
8.ure so funny!!!!!!!!!!goodness.dunno how many times i've collapsed into fits of laughter on the way home.
9.for being to sarcastic.it's funny.it really is.
10.for being my going home buddy!!!(:
even though we probably arent gonna be in the same class next yr..i will ALWAYS remember the times we had and the times we sent homw together.i will NEVER EVER forget you..rachel judiTH emiechel.will never forget you..

Achu:
it's funny how u can say so many things, but u never know what to write when ure thanking some one for the things they do/did.
u know, i really dont need to write this thank you/goodbye note.co u ALREADY know what i'm gonna write.cos i'm NEVER gonna forget all our conversations..R-rated or not.hahaha.i will never forget AHEM too..and move on achu.there's no future in the past..well.that's all i haf to say.and oh..do treasure the cranes..there're only 50 there.use them wisely ;)

Zhen Luan:
Goodness.another one i dont know what to say for.
i really wont be able to forget you.
haha.i rmb during the bloody exam period when i aske du to buy all those sci assessments..and they DID pay off, no?haha.
i will ALWAYS rmb the times we studied together..be it in sch till the bell SANG..or in orchard library where u couldnt read the "tower b" sign.i will always rmb those times.
i will always rmb the late nights u spent up, either studying or talking to AHEM.and of COURSE, u dont expect me to forget AHEM, do u?
i will always rmb the time when we went bowling and swimming in the sea together.we had fun.u ALWAYS will haf.
i will never forget ur family.dunno y..but i will ALWAYS be praying for ya no matter what.
i will never forget how u freaking slept like a vampire and how funny u looked.the look was PRICELESS.
i will also never forget how u told on me regarding AHEMMMM and how mr toh got to know of it too.well done darling.i will punish u some other time.
i will also never forget how stressed u could and can get.and how i would and will get freaked out by how stressed u were/are.let go when u need to..there's no point holding everything inside.i dont know how u've did it for so long.
i know this will NEVER be our goodbye.i wont let it be.and after all..i will always be seeing u in the board where u will "lose all ur freedom", wont i?haha..chill..and we BOTH will lose our freedom and look BLOODY wierd..TOGETHER.haha..

that's all i haf to say.i'm gonna remember =2/m '04 forever..i'm gonna remember the HOTfamily forever.i'm gonna miss you all forever..]

this was written last year, after school ended.
looking back on it now, i don't know how i could've broken those promises.
they meant so much, but i did so little to keep them.
the sorry state of my determination and faith.
but, i guess it goes for most of the HOTfamily too.
conflicts, quarrels, anger.
our family really HAS broken up, hasn't it?
cumultaive effect of things and changes to our lives?
i think so;
things will never be the same.
the bonds won't hold.
everything, in essence, is truly..
lost.

I guess true acceptance isn't as liberating as people claim it is.rather, it leaves you will a dull throb in your innermost being, because what you've just realized, may not be what you want.For once, i knew in my mind, heart and soul that i had to let go.i couldn't hold onto the past forever, i couldn't cling onto hope any longer.i couldn't hold on to the phantom of the past; i couldn't hold on to a ghost.time passes, things and situations change.i never thought that was stupid; till now.

In retrospect, i guess it had to happen; i had to wake up.she was right; i couldn't hold on to the past.it's like a fearthy piece of cloth; it comes, as swiftly as it goes.i couldn't hold on to the past any longer.it ends here; nothing can take me back, nothing can bring me forward, till i stop.the past is gone now, tucked away in a special corner of my heart; only taken out in times of comfort and need.they are of the things we had, but lost; of the things we wish, but failed to achieve; of the ideals and dreams, that had yet to come true.yes, these are all gone now, flown with the swift wind.it carries all these away quickly, leaving you awed in how something so treasured coud pass so fast.yet, it does.time stand still for no man; and humans are still living in denial of that fact.but, it's undeniable that we have to let go of the past one day.

I know it in my heart i had to let this go.throbbing, yes, but at least i can take comfort in the fact that i am no longer deluding myself.there are those who still believe astutely that the HOTfamily is existant, but all i see is its disintegrated form.phamtom of the past, memory of the passing time, and bane of the present.yes, we have to let it go.then how do we go on from there?i keep who i have, reminisce in the memories and continue living.i want to mourn the loss, but i wont.i am the ice queen, and i will be, forever and always.

goodbye, past.
goodbye memories.
goodbye, good times.
goodbye, friendships.
goodbye, hopes.
i bid you all a fond farewell.
i am leaving,
and not coming back.

why can't things stay forever?
because they aren't meant to.
of course.
everything has a beginning and an end.
nothing lasts.
and i hate it.
i want to rebel against it,
but i can't.
i never will be able to.
nothing i do can change it.
nothing i do ever counts.
so i should just give up,
i should just hang back.
i should just step away.
and leave them to their own spheres of happiness.
i wonder if they'll ever regret;
maybe i'll think myself insane.
trying to change something fixed.
haha.the hilarity of it all.

WORK.
PLAY.
torn betweent the two.
it was never an option for me,
but i'm left wondering about the decisions.
then, i look at the future.
anguish.
hate.
resentment.
when will this pass?
no when.
life is a torture.
life is meant to be slogged out.
school is an institute for the insane.
i think all of us will go insane at one point in time or another;
some things just speed up the process.

I HATE IT ALL.
I HATE THIS LIFE.
I HATE MYSELF.
I HATE EVERYTHING!!!

knocking on the door of obscuirty.

revivial.
in the hearts of those who have strayed.
a spark.
igniting, spreading, blazing.
that's how it should be.
a passion for all things.
especially one.

everything's planned.
life's smoother,
happier.
safer.
i've realized something.
i've given up on 2.
and now,
it's good.
it's all good.
change is necessary.
cligning onto the past will do nothing.
looking to the future will bring misery.
live for who you are.
live for NOW.
live for everything you want to do in that moment.
then, pray it will come to fruition.
that is how life is meant to be.
a constant battle of the planned,
and how we change it.
happiness is not an illusion.
it's simply the realization,
that life isn't as hard as you think.
it's the simple acceptance that there ARE things worth your eveything.
it's raw belief that things will come and go,
and it's not up to you to change it,
but someone else,
who cares about you more than you'll ever know.
He is not a phantom;
you just need to have faith in his existance,
and wonders will never cease to happen.

i'm waiting for that revival.
a tornado,
whisking me into it's spiral.
flying, floating.
yet, safe.

things have been looking up.
letting go.
sacrifice.
maybe it was needed.
i guess i was retarding the process,
by holding on.
and now..
since it's gone,
i don't feel the pain anymore.
wait.screw that;
i don't feel anymore.
fullstop.

valerie--
hey.how have you been, babe?
things been going well for you?
..i know life isn't what everyone expects sometimes.
it's just..unpredictable.
you never really know when you're REALLY laughing.
life's an act.
a great big play;
sometimes you get to personify your character,
but most times, you're plainly an actor.
you're happier now?
good.
cos everyone deserves to be.
God planned it that way.
He has a plan for all of us,
i KNOW it.
but i can't DO it.
its like..somany decisions in life have been made,
and in the end, you regret making half of them.
and now, when you wanna turn back,
you don't know how.
i don't know about you,
but i fear judgement;
so i hope you'll survive it,
and have a clear conscience.
cos God is not to be trifled with.
i hope He blesses you in whatever you do,
cos i know one girl can't do it on her own;
so just, trust.
simple word,
great meaning(:
and may God show you his miracles.(:

thanks for your concern.
you don't know how much it meant.

why won't you?
i'm burnt.
nothing left to say,
nothing left to do.
drawn back.
at a distance.
you won't let me in.
i'm watching through a glass pane.
and you know what?
i.give.up.

i won't watch any longer.
back turned,
the first few steps are hard.
but, i take them anyway.
path to oblivion, numbness.
i'm glad to oblige.
you people kept me out.
and now, i'm walking away.

nothing i can say,
nothign i can do will remedy anything.
i am USELESS.
one USELESS,
INSIGNIFICANT being,
unworthy to live.
so guess what?
i'll just, disappear.
rid everyone of my cowardly existance.
i am truly worth nothing anyway.
no commitment,
no fire,
no passion.
no nothing.
i am worthless.
so be it.

cave in,
hermit.
staying for life.
secluded, outcasted.
it's been like this.
i've finally begun to see.
i was so blind;
i kept kidding myself.
WHO AM I TO ANYONE!
hahahaha.
the hilarity.
it's useless even asking;
it's worthless even wondering.

that's it.
closed chapter.
life leads me down a different path.
i've lost my faith.
i've misplaced my trust.
and so i go,
and so i go..

MICHAEL BUBLE.HOME.
Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
"I’m fine baby, how are you?"
Well I would send them but I know that it's just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I'm lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I've got to go home

Let me go home
I'm just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I'm living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I'm surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I've had my run
Baby, I'm done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I'll be home tonight
I'm coming back home

collision.
the meeting of two objects,
creating friction and simply knocking into each other.
there's no other way around it.

stop.think.
how do you prevent this?
stop.think.
how do you stop this?
stop.think.
can you ever stop things like these?
stop.think.
pause.

i draw a blank.
nothing comes to my mind.
it's almost as if everything's erased,
everything's been wiped off the slate,
and i can start again.
no past;
just the present,
only the future.
and i'm happy.
flying seems natural.
i'm at peace.
nothing in the world could phaze me now;
i was changed.
i wasn't going to make the same mistakes.
i was wiser,
better.
stronger.
in essence, ready.
or was i?

foolishness is a man's true vice.
fools.
who would've guessed people would speculate about them?
self proclaimed fools, fools in truth;
what does it matter?
they are all fools;
unwilling to change,
hardy toward failure.
try as they might,
they've had it.
the good, the bad, the ugly.
they've seen it.
fools aren't always those who lack in experience,
or knowledge.
a fool is subject to opinion.
opinion is subject to perception.
then, you start to wonder,
why is anyone a fool?

stop.think.
repition is a foolish act, no?
stop think.
why do we keep running?
stop.think.
why do we keep fooling ourselves?
stop.think.
pause.

judgement.
it's passed everyday.
we are told not to judge;
the judge is often criticised,
the plaintiff always pitied.
what injustice has been delt on this poor soul?
why must he suffer?
judge as one might,
there is always no true fairness.
it's all in the mind.
it's all in perception.
what you perceive is what you believe;
do you believe he's innocent?

why do you keep teeling me lies?
half truths?
why do you keep with holding things from me?
why don't you talk to me anymore?
am i really too incapapble?
can i not be trusted?
it's these questions that drive me insane.
fact or fiction?
lies of truth?
i don't know what i'm telling myself anymore.
things are a blur.
i am detached.
i watch the world from above.
i see an interesting character.
normal, but perculiar.
i see all she does.
i know all she thinks.
i feel everything she does.
it's surreal.
stumbling, scrambling to get up.
that's all she ever does.
she's pathetic.
i snort in contempt.
i do not know her.
i do not wish to see her;
yet, i do.
i thought it was a cruel game i was forced to play,
putting me through the agony of watching a pathetic being,
trying to fit in?
what was the point in that?
was this what was left of life's humour?
a sick joke?
a parody of a tragedy?
this can't be true,
no human being deserved to continue living like that.
i saw no point in this game,
till i relized--
that girl was me.

stop.think.
listen to the wind, what does it say?
stop.think.
contemplate the clouds, what do they tell you?
stop.think.
understand the world, what is it showing you?
stop.think.
pause.

spiralling into the unknown,
i can only take my shame deeper.
plunging into fear,
i cannot keep this anger for long.
sinking beneath the surface,
i can only fade into the background.
reaching oblivion,
i find no one left.
i find nothing left.
and i suddenly desire to lay down and rest.
yes, rest.
sleep; take to slumber.
i want to leave life behind,
cast it to the winds;
let them carry them away.
yes, far, far away.
i never want to hear,
never want to see them again.
this was all one sick joke.
no one can make sense out of it.
i laugh, instead, till i am hoarse.
it is funny--
this senselessness;
this follishness.
i revel in it.
for i am i fool.
in truth and in lies;
i am a fool.
finding myself backed against a wall,
i take comfort in its solid presence.
never moving, stable.
easy.
nothing was hard here,
nothing ever was.
i wanted to stay there for eternity.
sleep came,
i closed my eyes.

stop.think.
what do you see?
stop.think.
what do you know?
stop.think.
is this what you want?
stop.think.
pause.

facades up, masks in place.
frown tucked away, emotions cast aside.
i am a puppet.
a puppet was not supposed to rebel.
but i have been a bad puppet,
and now was the time to rectify it.
strings in place,
i go limp.
the puppet master takes over.
through dead eyes,
i watch the world clap and laugh with delight.
they are happy.
on the inside, i think;
i am a tool,
nothing but a tool.
nothing else matters,
only others do.
and so i live;
pretending and dead.

stop.think.
do you have any regrests?
stop.think.
do you wish for anything?
stop.think.
i guess it doesn't matter.
pause.

..does it?

"and i think to myself,
what a wonderful world."

clockwork of life.
monotonous spinning.
feelings blurred into oblivion.
circumstances screaming for attention.
withdrawal from the present.
shunning of the past.
awakening of need.
desire for success.
quickening of pace.
running.
never looking back.
too late.
cannot stop.
free falling into darkness.
plunging into fate.
regrets.
fear.
agitation.
frustration.
futile attempts of escape.
unheard screams.
cries of anguish.
lost.
forgotten.
dead

Love
what does it mean to most people?
the ability to accept?
the ability to scarifice?
the ability to look beyond the surface?
what exactly is love?
is it a process?
is it a habit?
is it a fact?
Love;
more than anything,
it means actions.
words carry no value beyond what a person hears,
what a person believes.
perception is everything.
belief influeneces perception,
yet perceptions can change.
communication is 80% non verbal.
isn't it, then,
obvious that love is manifested the greatest in actions?
Love it means many things.
it means losing yourself,
for someone else.
it means understanding others,
even when you yourself can't understand you.
it means being there,
even though it hurts.
it means asking,
even though the person doesn't want to be asked.
it means thinking and caring for the person,
even though they don't know it.
it means that person's existance constantly plagues your thoughts,
and yet, you don't seem to mind.
it is equivalent to being the person;
understanding what it's like,
sympathizing the pitfalls,
boasting the successes.
Life is not all about agony.
Life is about a journey,
a tale to be told.
and love often finds itself on the pages of our lives.
subtle, or obvious.
it is a subconscious part of our lives.
yet, it is amazing few of us choose to see it.
the ability to love?
it is inherant in all of us.
the willingness to love?
that is another issue.

verisimilitude of life and love is often blurred.
we may try to brush it off surreptitiously,
making it seems like it was never there.
like all truths in liffe ceased to exist.
yet, there are.
only, we're the ones living in denial.
caught in a world beyond our own,
yeaning to break free and feel.
cocooned by the same blanket we thought would bring us protection,
now it only brings regret and anugish.
anger, resentment, hate of self.
that's what i subject myself to.
stupid in the eyes of the world,
necessary in my own.
no one can understand, i say,
and i believe it more and more each day.
no one believes, i preach,
and so i reap the harvest of what i've sowed
life is about giving and gaining;
love is meant to be given,
but it doens't mean getting it back in return.
we just have to learn to accept it.

and so, if someone were to ask me if i know what love is,
i would tell them i do.
do i believe in love?
i do.
do i give or receive love?
...i don't know.

answers change,
so do reactions.
maybe life has a plan for me.
maybe i'm already unravelling the possibilities.

words spoken in a fit of anger.
i won't take them back,
but i'll admit they were harsh.
i didn't mean it..
not all of it at least.

it's over.
a nightmarish experience,
but it IS over.
i expect failure,
but it's from these that we learn.
i know, now, what i must do.
there's always a next time,
it's only a matter of whether we want to see it as such.

till the next time.

Ironic, isn't it?
you keep telling me you don't care.
yet, your actions apeak louder than your pathetic words.
you're always telling me not to patronize you,
not to pay you lip service.
well, well.
isn't the pot calling the kattle black?
who's paying who lip service now?
nobody wants to pick a fight.
not with you, of all people.
everybody knows you are the champion when it comes to arguments.
is that what you want to hear?
is that what you wish for people to admit?
well, congratulations.
i'll admit that once, and as many times as you want.
i don't acre for conditions anymore.
this pressure is driving me insane.
the tension; the anxiey; the stress.
a rope can never be pulled to taught.
you always told me to take time for for "destressing".
i just wonder how many ironies life plans to put me through.
it seems like my life is a game.
one big, hilarious game.
all laugh at poor shermaine!
she can't even get her oral straight!
she's a failure!
well, haha.
i see your joke.
and i laugh along with your sneers.
i accept your sarcastic comments.
your torment has existed long enough.
i am, by now, used to it.
it's not to easy to break me anymore.
i.don't.need.your.patronage.
do not pacify me, just because you think i deserve it.
NO ONE DESERVES PITY.
if you think that's all you see if as--
a beneficiary of pity,
then forget it.
forget my existance.
forget my pleas.
forget my attempts to please you.
it's obvious you never cared anyway.
so don't bother.
i won't waste your time.
so, if you ever want to do me a favour,
don't.
i don't need it.
i'll never need it.
i'll make it on my own someday.
what i am now,
is all i'll ever have;
so if it's not good enough for you,
it never will be.
with each debacle,
you only increase the chasm taht separates you from me.
with each dispute,
you only increase my contempt for your words;
you only increase the intensity for which i use to hate you.
yes, hate you.
i don't even know when it got to this stage.
was it you,
was it me?
i think we're both old enough not to play the finger pointing game.
i'm going to admit i was wrong.
i'm guilty of all charges.
is that enough?
will that satisfy you?
i guess not.
you're a hard one to please.
i've had it with pleasing you.
i bet i'm not the first one.

would you rather i tell you straight in the face?
i might as well;
it's much more fatal to have poison brewing in me and never being able to let it out.
and so what do i do?
i hold my tongue.
i'll shut up.
but, just you wait.
a volcano never stops its erruption.
a geyser can never stop its spewing.
then, i ask myself.
why am i holding on?
i guess you're right;
i'm LAZY.
you're always right.
there!you can rub that in my face too!
YOUR'RE.ALWAYS.RIGHT.
isn't that what you always want to hear?
then, i'm glad to be of service.
but this cannot go on forever.
tolerence has its limits.
facades have their breaking point.
maksa can't remain forever.
so revel in this patronage.

i try to remember the good times;
when hate was never part of the picture,
but it seems that i can't find that memory anymore.
i can't find those memories anymore.
they seem so distant,
so alien.
i'm afraid to claim them mine.
but the fact is,
they exist.
rejection is a tiring hobby.
isn't acceptance so much easier?
not in certain circumstances.
and i am growing weray;
even as i type,
my fingers have lost their enthusiasm to pour out my griviences.
i'm drained--
emotionally, spirtually, physically.

i don't know how to go on.
i find that i can't.
circumstance is a double-edged sword.
now, it's taking its plunge toward me.
and i can do nothing to stop it.
is this all we fight for?
all our vibrant days of youth and vigour?
all just to kneel at the mercy of the very blade we forged?
all too tired to budge, and do placidly accept death?
whatever happened to the good ald days,
when the good always triumphed over the evil?
is our world truly lost?
i wonder.

God, please ahow me your direction for me.
i can no longer take it.
this internal struggle is draining me.
each strke increases the proclivity of my demise.
i give up.
i don't hink i can do this anymore.
Lord, i beg of you;
pick me up and pull me along.
i'm so ready to give up;
only your threats keep me from doing so.
i'm so sorry, Lord.
i know i am an unworthy servant, Lord.
you gave me everything,
but i still manage to hate.
Lord,
why is it that the only thing me from throwing in the towel is your threat?
the threat of losing everything?
Lord, i know i'm selfish.
i know i'm pathetic.
forgive me.
that's all i can ask.
i know, Lord, that being a gracious God,
you will; but i'm afraid i'll make the same mistake.
like i always do.
then what am i to do?
how am i to continue?
i'm caught in a dilemma, God.
it's like narcolepsy;
you never really know when your awake.
am i really awake, eyes open to your wonders Lord?
i believe i have seen;
so am i still in slumber,
now i cannot remember them?
wake me;
refill me;
recharge me.
hear the desperate pleas of your servant, Lord.
please, Lord;
forgive me.

call me close once again
call me teacher,
call me friend.
just like the first time
call my name,
it echos around me in this room.
its all you.

Sticks and stones may break my bones,
but words can never hurt me.

Life's been quite stressing lately.
what with the sudden burden of an upcoming oral.
and ANOTHER one of those MYE equivalents for chem,
it a wonder we all aren't dead and long buried.
struggling with chinese is one thing,
when you're struggling with english,
you're gone.
and i guess i'm dead.
have been dead for a long time.
and i thought i had a grasp of the subject.
how i've been disullisioned.
eight subjects.
17 weeks.
119 days.
not bad; only 1/3 of a year before school closes.
i just pray i can stick it out till then.
the pressure is building.
my knees are buckling.
and what is this?
i'm not even in as deep as others.
what do i have to complain about?
nothing.
i'm just a whiny idiot who only knows self pity.
i should just cut the crap,
shut the **** up and
start my work.
then again,
this is a free world.
i choose how i wanna live it.
and i guess it goes without saying,
that i'm protraying the part of uncontented school girl,
who's complaining about everything,
but not doing anything.

oh my goodness.
i've really turned into a bimbo.
i need to read the dictionary.

to all those dying out there--
you have my sympathy and wll wishes.
i hope you don't die so soon;
cos as everyone knows..
death IS inevitable.
it will be tragic that one dies under stress though;
it's just..
cruel.

i'm backsliding.
i'm slcaking.
what happened to me?!
why am i like this?!
all i can do nowadays is RELAX and SLACk.
i'm becoming an idiot who only knows how to relax.
i really hate myself.
i SHOULD work.
i MUST work.
then why isn't my MENTALITY complying with this SIMPLE order??!
it sounds stupid, contradictory.
but it's true.
i can't fo the things i did.
i'm not half the person i used to be.
i'm a bum now, and i hate myself.
i'm becoming a bimbo, minus the beauty.
oh my goodness.
what have i f**king become?!

no one seems to care.

i can't command english like i used to be able to.
i read my previous compos now,
and am embarrassed.
i can't recognize the writer.
i'm embarrassed of myself.
only a fool does that.
and i am a fool.
a big, fat and lazy fool.

then again,
what's the use?
i'll just go back to wasting my time away anyway.
so f**k it all.
i'll just go and kill myself now.

end of years,
get ready for the most brilliant failure.

forever.vertical horizon.
Take these roses all from me
Let me live, let me be
For a little while
Let my eyes,
See everything and nothing in their time
I do not mind

Who've guess I'd learn
To let the walls around me burn
Light up the hillside
My words, I ate them for so long and nothing changed
It was just the same

And I don't know if you see me
But I can tell you your face is clear
I will see you...

Forever
Forever
I will see you
Forever
Forever

Call me close once again
Call me teacher, call me friend
Just like the first time
Call my name, it echos around me in this room
Its all you

I don't know if you hear me there
But it's dark so no one cares
I will hear you...

Forever
Forever
I will hear you
Forever
Forever

I wanted you to be everything to me
Now I've got to learn to carry on
I know I cannot hide this emptiness inside
But nothing is the same since you've gone

Send me letters from above
Send me strength, send me love
Such sweet love
Sing me songs that echo in my head and in my heart
That's where you are

And I don't know if you feel me here
I can tell you one thing that's clear
I will feel you...

Forever
Forever
I will feel you
Forever
Forever
I will hear you
Forever
Forever
I will see you
Forever
Forever

Take these roses all from me
Let me live, let me be

school's starting tomorrow.
part of me's ready;
ready for new challenges.
ready for the work.
ready for the stress.
part of me's not ready;
not ready for handling the stress.
not ready for the business.
not ready for the unknown.
but i have no choice.
reality's forcing me back into its shackles.
after escaping for a month.
i don't know what lies ahead.
and i'm scared.
VERY scared.
but above all,
i hope things remain the same.
relationships.
friendships.
semblance of things essentially;
cos i dont think i can handle anything deeper than that.

fear of the unknown.
that's what most people fear.
every person is afraid;
no matter how miniscule,
the fear is there.
and until you master it,
it will continue to lurk
and eat your insides.
fuelled on your innermost fears.
relishing in your agony when you break and crumble.
it's all a game;
all one big game
just have to roll the dice,
hopw for the best,
and continue playing.
even when you don't know what your opponents are going to do.

i am scared.
but i cannot afford to be.
i'll take things as they come.
cross the bridge when i come to it.
i can only hope..
my resolution stays,
and my determination doesn't falter.

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.
--the middle.jimmy eat world.

school's starting in 2 days.
i don't feel there's much of a difference though.
running around throughout the whole of the holidays?
doing piles and piles of work?
wishing we could just go back to school?
i say, going back to school was definitely a better option.
the oly plus point about this break
is that we get to wake up late..
ON SOME DAYS.
sigh.to dread or anticipate?
i wonder.

books.
i need to read more.
fanfics just ain't enough anymore.

life is boring.
it's monotonous.
but i guess there are simple pleasure we can enjoy.
maybe i've noticed them now,
cos i'm finally starting to see that life ain't that bad.
i gave up something, this holiday.
and it's making me a whole lot happier.
now i know what's really important to me;
and i'm gonna cling on to those things,
even if it costs me my sanity.

Everything has a beginning and end.
i'm just thankful,
i've finally found the end,
and new beginnings.

thanks goodness it's all over.
work again.
i hate this cycle.
i wish it could stop.

JOHONG OUTING.
watched "alot like love".
so rocked.
had a popcorn fight during the movie.
siong and soon are so gonna get it next time.
elvira and kaili wee..cute..haha(:
siong was really cold..which was wierd.
belle was..preoccupied?
soon was dusting off popcorn and trying to preserve his 'popcorn ammo'.
took neoprints.
kaili and i rushed off for tuition.
it was fun.
can't wait till our next outing.
or for the combined outing.. ;)

~SLC '2005: AEIQ; quotient without remainder.

so.this is what it's been reduced to.
a game of finger pointing.
no one knew who was the cause.
maybe there was no cause.
maybe it was all a game.
a game fate was playing on us.
i retract because that's the only thing i do.
you disappear and blame me for it,
because..
it truly is my fault.
haha.what a fool i've been.
to trust anyone.
to give anyone time.
it's all a game.
it's all a screwed up game
i'm sorry i had to do it to you.
i'm sorry you had to go through all this shit.
i know it's not your fault.
it's mine.
so, i'm sorry.
there's no way i can heal the pain and confusion just by saying that.
but i think this has been a long journey.
i dont't know if i can continue.
i liked you.
loved you like a brother.
i don't know what happened.
please.don't blame me.
i don't know what happened.
i guess it's really just me.
judge me now, for who i am.
cos this is truly me.
and i hate to say this..
but.
i told you so.
you stubbornly refused to believe me.
i know you dont like who you see,
because no one does.
so please,
i beg of you.
kill me.
forget me.
and never regret doing either.

but, just in case you're interested..
i don't know why this is happening.
i don't know what i'm doing.
but i am anyway.
imagine living a life where you fight yourself;
you wish your better half could triumph..
but she never does.
and in your darkest moments,
it's always her who takes over.
she pushes everyone away.
builds that wall.
do i really want it?
i refuse to believe anybody does.
even I don't want it!
..but all these will seem like excuses to you, no?
PITIFUL excuses.
so fine.
i'll shut myslef up.
lock myself, and throw away the fu*king key.
cos i dont need it.
no one can unlock me.
i used to wish for the person who could.
now i dont.
cos i know it's impossible.

KILL ME.
MURDER ME.
I DESERVE IT.

"I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion's in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
And my weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You should've never come around
Why don't you just go home?
'Cuz you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life"
--scars.papa roach.

i guess this is what you need to say to me.
message received.
transmission stopped.

Corrinne May.Save Me.
I drift I burn, I fly
When you sing lullabies
I'm helpless, I'm yearning
I'm like putty in your hands

I laugh, I dream, I cry
When you take me on a rollercoaster ride
You see me through and through
You see just who I am
Just take my hand and

Save me from this place
Heaven knows I'm falling
For you, my sweet embrace
Heaven knows
Heaven knows I've been waiting for you

I had a dream that I
Was falling from the sky
At 90 miles an hour
I was bound to crash and die
But out of nowhere you came and rescued me
There must be some grace in the touch of your face
I'm so happy that I've found you
I'm no longer afraid

Oh 'cause you
Save me from this place
Heaven knows I'm falling
For you my sweet embrace
Heaven knows
Heaven knows I've been waiting

Before I met you
Life was slow-mo
So slow-mo
I thought I had it figured out
But you came and turned my whole world upside down

Save me from this place
Heaven knows I'm falling
For you, my sweet embrace
Heaven knows
Heaven knows you've come to

Save me from this place
Heaven knows I'm falling
For you, my sweet embrace
Heaven knows
Heaven knows I've been waiting for you
Waiting for you

AEIQ.
will never forget.

one more week.
work.
scandals.
all part of the life.

bruise in,
bruise out,
nurse the bleeding.

Love me.Collin Raye
I read a note my grandma wrote
Back in 1923
Grandpa kept it in his coat
And he showed it once to me
He said boy you might not understand
But a long long time ago
Grandma's daddy didn't like me none
But I loved your grandma so

We had this crazy plan to meet
And run away together
Get married in the first town we came to
And live forever
But nailed to the tree where we were
Supposed to meet instead
I found this letter and this is what it said

If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then
Till I see you again
I'll be loving you
Love me

I read those words just hours before
My grandma passed away
In the doorway of the church
When me and grandpa stopped to pray
I know I'd never seen him cry
All my 15 years
But as he said these words to her
His eyes filled up with tears

If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then
Till I see you again
I'll be loving you
Love me

Between now and then till I see you again
I'll be loving you
Love me

>>one of the songs played during AEIQ's campfire without fire, but candles.the second last song, before graduation.

EVERYONE FROM
AEIQ: QUOTIENT WITHOUT REMAINDER
THE STUDENTS LEADERS CONVENTION 2005,
PLEASE VISIT THIS SITE:
http://s7.invisionfree.com/slc05aeiq

KEEP IN TOUCH.

AEIQ sick.
i miss everything,
everyone.

SLC '05 ROCKED.
never regret a minute, a second i spent there.
AEIQ. Quotient without remainder.
congratulations org com,
i think all of us got that concept.
the "campfire" without fire, but candles
was one of the best things that i've been through.
the fellowship, between STRANGERS?
not so..
now, all friends.
Group C aka JOHONG.
we'll keep in contact, guys.

MOTHER MARTINA.
FATHER MOSES.
shuyi aka sushi.
elvira.
ning xin.
kai li.
feng soon.
wee siong.
dominic.
i'll miss you guys too.

PENGUINS.
POLAR BEARS.
one banana, two banana, three banana, four..

i.hate.life.
i.hate.myself.
end.of.story.








some.one.please.kill.me.

down below.
fun.
excitement.
food.
laughter.
up here.
darkness.
bladed.
blood.
i'm done.

i was joking.
she didn't know.
she doesn't care.
and know what?
i guess i don't anymore.

and i'm not resorting to drastic measures anymore.
good riddance.

i wonder what the world sees me as.
so many views.
so many perceptions.
i wonder who sees me the truest?
who sees me as the person i am before i sleep?
the person i am when i'm not in certain company?
the person i am when i'm comfortable?
i wonder who sees those things.
i wonder who cares.
it must be a great and wonderful thing to have some one care so much.
it must feel joyous, liberating.
i wonder how it feels like to be at total ease with someone, knowing that they expect nothing out of you, as you would them
i wonder how such knowledge would sink in.
i wonder how that would feel.

i am but a fake.
a phony.
i say it now, but no one will ever believe.
ebcause i deceive.
and no one can handle deceit.
it is a knife, laced with poison.
and as the say,
"once bitten, twice shy"
no one sets themselves up for deceit twice.
my lies and my truths have mingled.
they are a great tapestry of who i am,
dark clours woven into the light.
and i don't know who i am anymore.
is there beauty in such a creation?
is there worth in its existance?
traders and merchants would settle for cloths of a single shade.
and so, it continues to be hung on display,
waiting to be taken, but never being sold.
till the day, the store owner decides to hide its ugliness.
a cloth of dull decor is placed above it,
to forever hide the mystery and complication that no one wished to see.
everybody is a piece of art, they say.
but words mean nothing if they are said out of courtesy.
it is an expression of oneself.
it takes few to interpret the seemingly ugly;
but there are some, which are beyond recognition.
and there, they will hang their head in eternal shame;
hating themselves for being something no one else understans.
we ourselves are all enigmas.
it's just ironic how some are easier to decode.

to feel--
is to know with the head,
but move with the heart.
it is to know and acknowledge,
but pity and sympatize.
it is to know,
but act differently for reasons you cant explain.
it is facts translated into sensations.
it is words translated into awareness.
it is heart, and not mind.

i breathe.
i wont stop.
i see.
i wont stop.
i interpret.
i wont stop.
i feel.
..or do i?

A crack in the seemless wall bled light, in the opaque darkness.It seeped and flowed freely from the crack, to form a singular ray in front of its projector.Light got everywhere; through every crack, seem and area.It saw everything.

The beings in the darkness cowered in fear.This was different; it heralded change.And change was something they shunned; something they detested; something they feared.The grappled to grasp the concept.They knew this was weakness; no, no one can ever know about this fear, about this curiousity.Donning facades of fake bravery, they took a step closer to the unmoving ray.

step.pause.step.pause.

Each step brought with is a heightened sense of awareness, a higher intensity of anticipation.With each step, discoveries were made.They were beginning to discover what their world really looked like-- what they were stepping on, what they touched, what they felt everyday.They were beginning to see how everyone else was like --their features, their expression, their reactions.They were also beginning to discover how they looked like-- physically and psycologically.And, they were petrified.They shook with fear on the inside, but forced themselves to remain calm on the outside.Bit by bit, their facades were beginning to fall.

step.pause.step.pause.

One more step for the truth.One more step to revelation.One more step to figuring it all out.One more step to the world.It was awaiting them, like the darkness behind them.Their past, their present, their future; all rested on this one moment of truth.One more step to..liberation?They didn't know.Looking back on their comfort zone of darkness, they sighed.It was now, or never.

step.pause.gasp.

scream.

holidays--
a time of rest; a break.
life is full of ironies.
and that is why i'm working harder now than i did before the hols.
how stupid.
life is to be accepted, not contested.
and so i continue.

it's raining now.
just a thought.
linked to many sub-thoughts.
you have a complete analysis.
what is it like to analyse everything you see?
everything you feel?
everything others feel and do?
humans are not meant to play God.
we are not meant to understand all the truths in this world.
then, why is it that there are some who can,
even if it's just a sliver of intuition,
understand some of the greater beliefs?
is this what they call philosophy?
or is philosophy limited to discovery of the joys and pains of life?
humans are such self-centered beings.
always looking for how they can better our lives.
haha.i laugh at it all.
there are some words that dont deserve to be in the dictionary--
simply because it's all untrue.

normalacy.
that's all we admire.
security.
that's all we strive for.
happiness.
that..doesnt exist.

||
hypocritical.
pretentious.
impatient.
overbarring.
easy to anger.
unloyal.
unfaithful.
greedy.
selfish.
undetermined.
unconcentrated.
a failure

"Wouldnt take nothing for my journey now"

i'm ready.
bring it on.

ultimate deprssion.
ultimate disappointment.
it's selfish.
there's nothing i can say.
nobody who would understand.
people say alot of things.
the fact still stands.
the fact is still obvious.
it's a gone cause.
they say if you cant get it,
forget it.
easier said than done.

nobody can say anything to make it better.
it's gonna be a long wait.

one more day for them..
one more day to..

i've given up hope.
she hates me.
and that's all that matters.

why do we go on living?
..because there are things we live for?
..because there are activities we live for?
..because we have commitments to live for?
..because we have people to live for?
haha.
i find it very..strange.
they're 4 main purposes to live for,
and yet..
i cant identify with either one.
i dont have things, activities or commitments i can profess to live for.
i dont even have people to live for..
i dont even have people that i can live for..
WHAT KIND OF A SICK WORLD IS THIS?!
jumping down the building..
consuming arsenic..
overdosing of pills..
cutting..i've even done that one before..
i've thought about all of them before.
isnt it pathertic that the only thing holding me back from suicide is the fact that i'll go to hell if i do??
i hate life so much.
i really dont see a reason why i live on this Earth sometimes.
i'm too pathetic.
too miserable.
to insignificant.
might as well end it now..
but then again,
i'm the coward.
always the coward.
so i'll do what cowards do and take the easy way out.

so f---ing whiny.
i hate how i sound.
i hate everything i do.
so selfish.
i should just kill myself and stop robbing people of their rightful deserves.
I HATE LIFE!
F--K!

things can go past very quickly.
i wanna make full use of my life.
i had better.
i only live once.

to those i've hurt/wronged:
i'm sorry.
and to..you.
i'm sorry.
you probably dont understand.
it's stupid of me.
you dont deserve it.
so, if you give up on me..
i understand.
i expect you to, actually.
there's no point hanging on, babe.
i'm a piece of thrash.
please, take me out.
throw me out, leave my out.

Only hope.mandy moore
There's a song that's inside of my soul.
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold.
But you sing to me over and over and over again.

So, I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

Sing to me the song of the stars.
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again.
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now, you're my only hope.

I give you my destiny.
I'm giving you all of me.
I want your symphony, singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

Good charlotte.the world is black.
Turn on channel seven at a quarter to eight
You see the same damn thing it's just a different day and
No one really knows why this is happening
But it's happening
And everywhere you go it's just a different place
You get the same dark feeling
See the same sad faces
No one really cares that this is happening

We come into this world
And we all are the same
In that moment there's no one to blame

But the world is black
And hearts are cold
And there's no hope
That's what we're told
And we can't go back
It won't be the same
Forever changed
By the things we say

Living in this place it's always been this way
There's no one doing nothing so there's nothing changed
And I can't live when this world just keeps dying
It's dying
People always tell me this is part of the plan
That God's got everybody in his hands
But I can only pray that God is listening
Is he listening?

We're living in this world
Growing colder everyday
Nothing can stay perfect now I say

But the world is black
And hearts are cold
And there's no hope
That's what we're told
And we can't go back
It won't be the same
Forever changed
By the things we say

We come into this world
And we all are the same
And in that moment there's no one to blame
But we're living in this world
Growing colder everyday
Nothing can stay perfect now I say

The world is black
And hearts are cold
There's no hope
That's what we're told
And we can't go back
It won't be the same
Forever changed
By the things we say

Turn on channel seven at a quarter to eight
You see the same damn thing it's just a different day
And no one really knows why this is happening

anger.
resentment.
hate.
fires flare.

agitation.
irritation.
agony.
suffering in silence.

fear.
indecisiveness.
apprehension.
a bit lip.

anticipation.
longing.
dread.
awaiting the moment.

turmulous.
clouded.
crashes.
the future is bleak.

depression.
reclusion.
insanity.
behind a closed door.

serenity.
happiness.
perfection.
a lost cause.

hope.
joy.
love.
the smile is gone.

deceit.
facades.
lies.
that's all that remains.

transparency.
broken.
discocered.
cowering in the darkness.

dillusioned.
scared.
unprepared.
how does this end?

what, now?
what, then?
what, next time?
choices.

unbidden.
forgotten.
ignored.
i rest my case.

maybe i'm the only one who's THIS affected.
maybe i'm the one who enjoys it the most.
maybe i'm the most pathetic.
maybe i'm the one who hasnt changed as much.
but.
i know today was one of the best times of my life.
seriously.
people will probably wonder why.
why i didnt cherish my birthday..more.
i have no answer for them.
i have no answer for you.
but i do know this --
i love my Hotfamily like life itself.
i'd die without them.
cannot live without them, you see?
and i know,
i pray..
it'll last forever.
till that is,
we grow old and..
die..(:

the Hots are meeting tomorrow.
the past catch up with the present.
the old meet with the new.
reminiscence confronts reality.
it's interesting.
it's comforting.
i look forward to it.

it's refuge.
from the synchorous on goings of the world.
from the placid and irritable clockwork of the world.
from the monotonous happenings.
from the presumed phychic of the world.
from hate.
from anger.
from animosity.
from depression.
from rejection.
yes, i look forward to it very much.
the only refuge from the cruel world.
the only solace in the harsh society.
not that everyone would know the context of that...

i just look forward to it anyway.
cross country day.
we're one.
it's our first aniversary.
a year of friendship,
love,
and camaraderie.
we reminisce.

this is the last of illusions.
this is the final trace of innocence.
if i'm caught in the middle,
i know it would be,
the end of me.

...a hypocrite?
i dont know anymore.

Sometimes,
things cant be forgiven easily.
cannot be forgotten easily.
cannot be gotten over easily.
sometimes,
the incident stays with us;
burning every detail into our anguished selves,
and carving hatred into every cravice of consciousness.
no, it can never be forgotten easily...

then again,
sometimes there is nothing to forgive.
you have to search within yourself,
to know if there is or isnt.

self doubt or assurance might be fatal.
it's YOUR funeral.

life's a life long discovery.
you're always discovering who you are,
who you're meant to be,
what drives you,
what makes you happy,
what makes you depressed,
what your ultimate goal is.
it's a process requiring patience,
determination,
and the desire for that knowledge.
philosophers spend their whole lives studing life,
analyzing life,
but why cant they ever crack the code of life?
..because there is no code.
it can be defined by many people,
it can have so many different definitions.
it all depends on our view of it.
will we let angst and pride cloud our eternal visage?
or let serenity and hope define our actions?
it's a never ending battle of these 2 elements.
often, we find outselves drowning in
depression and angst.
it almost seems like there's no way out.
we keep swimming,
but it's a vast ocean,
and we're getting tired.
do we alow ourselves to be carried away then?
carried away by the torrents of defeat?
i once thought that that was the most sensible choice.
but, i was a coward.
there is no such thing as immediate relef when one gives up.
because, just as i was about to sink below the surface,
a lifeboat came along.
and i know that's true for everyone.
everyone has his or her own lifeboat;
all we have to do is struggle to keep awake,
uncloud our vision, and see it.
it's simple.
so simple.
just believe.
just believe...

it's not so bad now.
so many things seem easier.
so many things seem less complicated.
i doubt they were complicated to begin with.
so many things have been brought into the light;
and i'm grateful for that.
so very grateful.
now, all i need to do is...
continue living.

life is a road;
i wanna keep going.
life is a river;
i wanna keep flowing.
life is a road,
now and forever,
wonderful journey.

i'm happy today.
very happy.
maybe a little worried,
and depressed.
but overall, happy.
thanks you guys.
thanks for shwing me the love(:

As each day passes,
i become more and more incomptent;
more and more unworthy of being in my class.
i should be..
disciplined.
focused.
committed.
but am i?
to my studies,
and everything else,
i'm not.
i'm detached from the world.
floating and drifting away.
will i swim back?
or just float along the current of life?
i dont know...

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Very High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Very High

JIMMY EAT WORLD.THE MIDDLE.
Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best,
try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves,
when you're away.

It just takes some time,
little girl you're in the middle,
it'll up the ride.
Everything will be just fine,
everything will be allright.

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own,
so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

It just takes some time,
little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine,
everything will be allright.
It just takes some time,
little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine,
everything will be alright.

This should be my anthem..

i've disappointed.
i'm sorry.

i've lost to myself.
i'm sorry.

i'm incompetent.
i'm sorry.

i couldnt get a hold of myself.
i'm sorry.

i have people who care.
question mark, exclamation mark, full stop.
how does it end?
i only have to answer to myself.
myself
i dont want to disappoint.
i dont want to put myself in more trouble.
i dont want to jepordize my already precarious position.
i dont want anything to happen.

but i cant make that happen.
who am i?!
one SMALL, INSIGNIFICANT speck,
in this VAST universe.
WHAT CAN I DO?!
WHO AM I TO SAY ANYTHING?!
call it inferiority.
call it delusion.
call it whatever you like.
but.
one thing's for sure.
i am who i am.
i know what i perceive.
and nothing will change that;
unless..
i see the change for myself.

or in other words...




















never.

Today, i thought about life.
haha.dont i always?
people keep saying life isnt meaningless;
that it's just waiting to be discovered.
after living on this earth for 15 years,
i'm still wondering if there IS anything left to be discovered.
experiences and constant pondering,
have given me insights into life i thought didnt exist.
they have taught me things,
that i never dreamed of learning at this age.
maybe it's a habit,
maybe it's my character.
but i can never stop think.
it's not a choice,
it's an occurance;
an irritating occurance.
the finer things of life are picked up,
the smaller things dont go unseen.
i discover things that others might not.
a blessing?
a curse?
the road is wide.
then, i think to myelf;
if living now is so hard,
wont it get worse as time passes?
what about adultahood, the shedding of adolescent wings?
what about the approaching of mid-life and its crisis?
what about old age and dependance?
i think about these and i wonder;
wonder how i'm going to survive such a pensive life,
such a observant life.
i wonder, but i have no answers.
maybe the answers are along the road of life,
waiting for discovery.
maybe the answers aren't fixed,
maybe there are no answers.
i dont know.
but, it would be nice to find out.
maybe this transition period is going to end;
maybe it has just started.
i dont know, again.
but, i KNOW i will get the answers i need.

then, life doesnt seem so bleak anymore.
life doesnt seem so meaningless.
there's so much discovery.
there's so much to be learnt.
learning's a never-ending process.
do i have the patience?
do i have the perseverance?
it's all part of the discovery.
and for a moment,
a split second,
it all seems worth it.
optimism is flowing,
and life is suddenly interesting again.
but.
it's only for a split second.
then, latent depression sets in again.
i guess that IS life.
the interpretation of it,
the learning,
the SURVIVING.
the whole process is life.
there's no definition to it,
like many things in life.
but rather, a composition of sorrows,
joys, anger,
and a whole lot of other elements.

living life like looking through a kaleidoscope;
one picture,
so many images.

ahh.the work life.
stressful, monotonous.
it's all the same.
the same cycle everyday.
get up, school, work, sleep.
what's the meaning in this kind of life?
i see no meaning.
i dont want to live it anymore.
but do we have a choice?
apparently not.

the social life.
fun, unpredictable.
it's so idealistic.
all you ever do is socialize.
does this life have a meaning?
why, then, does everyone want to live it?
is it really all it's cracked up to be?
i wonder.

sigh.
i devote myself to a predicatble life.
reliabilty over dangerous enticement.
i was never that kind of preson.
i doubt i'll ever be.
secrurity over living on the edge.
i was never a person for living like i was dying.
stabilty and security.
that's all i want in life.
i wonder if "fun" and "happiness" id really worth it.
people gamble with their lives for these to elements.
i wonder how they live it.
"fun"?
"happiness"?
these seem so foreign to me.
i wonder if i'll ever know what they truly mean...

//Solitude.
No more screaming voices.
No more hushed speculation.
No more expectation from the world.
She was alone.
She could finally be herself.
..but.
did she remember how to?
she couldn't remember the last time she was truly..
her.
all that pretending.
all those lies.
weren't they her life?
didn't she live and breathe deceit?
she was a walking lie
the epitome of deception.
ahh.
no wonder she had forgotten how to live.
she always thought of others first.
their opinions.
their perceptions of her.
it was a twisted idea.
she couldn't remember when she got so defensive,
when she cared so much.
but.
the fact was..she did.
and it killed her each day,
knowing that she was waking up to yet another day of pretending.
she thought she had no choice.
little did she know..
she had already did.
and now..
this was the price she had to pay.//

jealousy;
turning saints into the sea.
swimming through sich lullabies.
choking on your alibis.
but it's just the price i pay,
destiny's calling me...
'cos...
i'm mr brightside.
>>the killers.mr brightside.

haha.
this is how stupid life gets.
you reveal because you think life's finally become better.
but hey,
you're proven wrong again.
wham.
there goes your confidence in life.
and there goes your hopes,
fears,
dreams,
wishes.
then again,
you're never worth it are you?
i wonder how others would feel..
to be ignored?
to be placed below others?
haha.
not in my world,
they dont.
no..
high fliers,
all of them.
not one backward glance at the little ones..
the trailers.
we're MEANT to be left behind.
we make others feel better.
we make them seem important.
we're the alternatives.
ever the alternatives.
haha.
i wonder what it's like..
to TRULY belong?
maybe i already know,
but sad to say..
i've forgotten.
and you know what's the best thing?
there're always expectations.
they expect you to act a certain way..
no...
cannot let that mask fall.
it'll lead to condemnation for life.
no...
never that option.
then, i gues,
we dont really have a choice,
do we?
all we little people do is suffer.
outwardly ew're fine,
we really ok.
but you never know what's on the inside.
and do people really care?
of COURSE they dont.
you were MEANT to live in someone's shadow.
you're MEANT to be forgotten;
placed in the backseat of someone's life.
there is no other choice.
then again,
you CHOSE this life,
when you werent good enough.
you CHOSE this life,
when others dont see you for who you are.
you CHOSE this life,
when you've got something that irritates others.
you CHOSE this life,
by being you.
haha.
i love my life.
i love adaptations.
i love reality.
everything seems so perfect,
so normal.
yes, yes.
we should be ever the optimist.
ever the optimist...

and guess what?
it's all gonna end soon.
soon, i tell you..
SOON.
hahahaha.
the end.
hahahahaha.

Your indifference
Your cold words
Your fake actions
Your lies

My attention
My admiration
My trust
My belief

Your smirk
My smile
Your demands
My giving
Your help
My helplessness

I thought we were friends?

Your useless affirmations
Your demanding nature
Your infuriating insolence

I thought we were friends?

My unconditional respect
My yearn to follow
My perception of your liberty

I thought we were friends?

Your snickers and coldness
Your lies and your hidden hate
Your reticent deceit

I thought we were friends?

Seeped through scorn
Once-concealed contempt
Revealed arrogance
Hurting words

I can't think.

Desperate words
Frantic to please
Fraught to gain respect

Wasn't my mind once filled with your "kindness"?

Sudden enmity
Faded warmth
Lack of emotion

I refuse to think.

A broken heart
A cold, shimmering tear
Stained with the hatred of you

You are not worth my thinking.

>>written by Kaze of the Sand.
it's amazing how alike two people can be,
and yet at the same time be so diferent.
life is fascinating.

She smiled.
For once in a very long time, she smiled.
It was so peaceful here.
It was sunset,
where the sun met the horizon,
and dyed the sky in a faint reddish hue.
She suddenly laughed at the irony of it all;
people fought so hard to enjoy the beauty of life,
yet ignore the simple magnificence of this natural phenomena.
The human race suddenly seemed so stupid to her;
always striving for perfection,
even though they know they can only come close.
It was like reaching for an invisible target,
the desperation acting as a blindfold,
covering up little bits of information that could have made life more meaningful.
At the end of it all,
where did she stand?
She tried so hard to keep up,
even though she knew she was not capable of doing that.
She was forever trailing,
"eating people's dust".
How could she have been so blind?
Cynical spasms of laughter escaped her lips.
They did always say,
"better late then never".
She looked reality stright in the eye for the first time,
she was first shocked by its cruelty,
then she noticed a flicker of reverence.
A sligh flicker,
but a weakness, nevertheless.
She was satisfied.
She knew the truth now.
But, the satisfaction and serenity would not last for long.
As she peered over her dangling feet,
she was scared for the first time.

She had always had a fear of heights.

Some people just piss me off.
sorry guys.
hope you had fun..

*[sunburned//
colar line, HIGH sock line, skirt line, shirt line]

Sometimes I just wish life would end.
It's so hard continuing.
It's so hard.
They're so many expectations.
I hate them all.
I hate myself.
Why am I so stupid?
Haha.
It's ironic.
I bet I'm not even pushing myself.
I'm always giving excuses.
Making up lies,
To kid myself that it's ok;
I still have time.
Truth is,
I don't.
And I hate the truth.
I hate it when I'm wrong.
I hate it when I fail to meet MY own expectations.
I hate myself.
I detest my incompetence.
WHY?!
Is this self pity?
I profess to hate it.
But...
Why then, do I display it?!
I hate myself!!
I detest myself!
I wish for my own death sometimes!
..and the *****ing is getting more frequent.
I can't control myself anymore.
The impulses are too great.
The temptation is too great.
I'm weak.
I'm so weak.
I can't stand up to it.
You think it's easy fulfilling promises?
Why are people like that?!
.."promise me you won't do it".
Or worse still..
They're angry with ME for my OWN actions.
Haha.
How ironic life is.
I face disappointment from myself everyday.
And I still have to handle your disappointment?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being such a bitch.
I'm sorry for letting you worry.
I'm sorry for being me.
That's the greatest truth of my world.
I'm WEAK.
I embody the quality I detest the most.
Isn't life ironic?
Haha.
I laugh at it.
I laugh at the concept that is my life.
People analyze it.
People get disappointed each and everytime they see it.
I thought I was worth something.
But, I guess I'm not.
I guess I'm not worth it for some people.
I guess I can never measure up to the rest.
I'm sorry for making you worry,
For some one like me.
Please stop.
I'm not worth it.
I'm sorry for tricking you into caring for me,
If you did.
Because, I'm nothing.
There IS nothing.
I am nothing.
I have no worth.
Not worth a f**king anything.
I'm an outcast.
I'm dirt.
I should be trampled upon.
Please, I beg of you.
Make my life easier.
Forget me.
I don't wanna live anymore.
And on this night,
My vehemence is especially strong.

I feel like screaming,
But I can't.
I feel like crying,
But I won't allow myself to.
It's pity.
It's self pity.
And I'm living in a jail cell.
There's a fixed protocol to living in my 'home'.
There's a fixed protocol to being me.
And I'm so tired of it.
I wanna be free.
Will death bring my liberation?
Questions like this will never be answered,
Till you walk on the other side of life.

Please, please,
Forgive me.
But I won't be home again.

it's funny how one thing leads to another.
how one incident can lead to certain reactions.
life is truly an egnima.
we never seem to be abl to fullu uncover ti,
to fully discover its meaning.
so many expectations,
so many guidelines.
can we meet them all?
can we follow them all?
the mere understanding of all of its concepts is hard enough.
what more the upholding of all of its policies?
sometimes i wonder.
why do people keep things from one another?
embarrassment?
incompetence?
it seems like the the whole principle of sharing revolves around these 2 axises.
i hate it you know?
neverunderstanding how people feel.
in way, i guess i hate speculation too.
but;
mylife is meant to be lived in seclusion,
to be lived in speculation.
i can only guess the truth,
i can never confirm it.
and that's what irks me the most.

anguished wishes do nothing.
fervent hopes are fruitless.
in the end, it's faliure any way you put it.
and in the end,
everyone gives up in one way or another.
have i crossed that line?
have i come to that point?
life seems so bleak sometimes.
i wonder if i'll ever see my objective,
if i'll ever see my worth.
and as time ticks by,
the value of that statement decreases.
and life slows down.
i cannot keep up anymore.
i never was able to.
i guess my life was lived i constant denial.
..i'm glad i woke up.

people pass by.
time ticks by.
and i am passed,
yet again.
it's a never ending cycle of disappointment and regret.
and i'm begining to adapt.
i'm begining to accept.
that's the way life will always be.
so be it.



i'm at that line;
i give up.

useless affirmations.
worthless words.
redundant speaking.
actions speak louder then words.

pent up frustration.
briddled anger.
painful actions.
it feels good.

being ignored.
walking alone.
detesting solitude.
i accept.

prior importance.
limited attention.
little understanding.
that's the way the world is.

undesired hatred.
undisguisable scorn.
irrevocable contempt.
the world shows it all.

inevitable decisions.
desperate calls.
unheared pleas.
it happens everyday.

pathetic self pity.
detested self.
shunned trust.
i'm weak.

death?
peace?
hapiness?
options, option, options.

trust..?
never.

everything's fake.
things don't last.
things don't exist.

i don't exist.
i am numb.
i am invisible

life goes on?
i don't think so.

I'm not worthless..
haha.
i'm not worthless.

no more animosity.
no more resentment.
no more hatred.
calm and relief take its place.

it feels good.