"Everyone is changing,
there's no one left that's real;
to make up your own ending,
and let me know just how you feel.
Cause I am lost without you,
I cannot live at all;
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl..."
--puddle of mudd.blurry.

HMMM.school life's speeding up again.
tests, HOMEWORK, revision..
THE MID YEAR EXAMS.
that VERY thought is depressing.
and it isn't comforting to know that it's going to be
ESPCIALLY TOUGH.
then again, better now then during the Os i guess.
the self EXPECTAIONS are suffocating,
the stress is building.
it's a wonder the busier people haven't exploded.

WHY were we CURSED with such ********??
take it in stride? RIGHT.

FRIENDSHIP.
brings the greatest pleasures and the deepest pains.
the ULTIMATE double-edged sword.
one minute you're high, the next, you've hit rock bottom.
you'll never know; you could never guess.
it's disturbing to a certain extent,
but sucess comes to those who risk.
applies to every aspect of life, i guess.
we take a chance with certain people,
hoping that they would take that same chance with us.

sometimes, it ends badle, and people get hurt.
most choose to leave it and move one,
others cannot leave.
it's most heart breaking to know that they WILL themselves not to leave.
is it delusion to think that some situations are salvagable?
is it stupidty to wait for oppotunity to walk past again?
these things we'll never really know;
cos after waiting, we are blinded to such opporunitues,
and give up our only chances of 'making things better'.

then, there are the happy times-
times of laughter, times we happily reminisce.
we smile in reflection,
WE FEEL LIBERATED.
and somehow, we'll never forget.
cynics see it as life's most cruel joke;
to have happiness, but lose it all one day.
who's to know if happiness is eternal?
better to live in the moment,
than to worry about eternity.
'better to have loved and lost,
than to have not loved at all'.

Then, we think about LOVE.
what does it mean?
can it be described?
a feeling; that's what it is.
and i guess, we can search for all eternity long,
to find no such definition.
we SEE it, in daily actions, WORDS.
and we are to wrapped up in it,
we take it for granted.

it's sad that God's greatest gift to the world is wasted, in that way.

OH WELL.
back to the books, i guess.
goodness, life is MONOTONOUS.
i await the 16th of November 2006(:

FREEDOM!

Default.Wasting my time
Months went by with us pretending
When did our light turn from green to red
I took a chance and left you standing
Lost the will to do this once again

Well this is not for real, afraid to feel
I just hit the floor, don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time, I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling, there is no reason
Just make the call, and take it all

Papa Roach.Scars
Tear my heart open, i sew myself shut
My weakness is, i care too much
And my scars remind me,
that the past is REAL.
I tear my heart open, just to feel.

Michelle Branch.Everywhere
Turn it inside out so I can see
The part of you that's drifting over me
And when I wake you're never there
But when I sleep you're everywhere
You're everywhere

Westlife.If I let you go
I'm too shy to ask
I'm too proud to lose
but sooner or later I've gotta choose
and once again
I'm thinkin' about taking the easy way out

Michelle branch.All you wanted
I wanted to be like you
I wanted everything
So I tried to be like you
And I got swept away

I didn't know that it was so cold
And you needed someone
to show you the way
So I took your hand and we figured out
That when the time comes
I'd take you away

If you want to
I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted
was somebody who cares

It's funny how songs you used to listen to still mean so much NOW.
it's funny how you can see the same situations repeating itself.
it's funny how in retrospect,
nothing else could be done.

It's funniest when we wish we could do it go back and do it right.

GUIDES CAMPFIRE 2006.
it was nice(:
everything came together nicely, i think(:
good job, y'all.

something someone told me caused me to think.
did i ever mean anything to YOU?
what was i EVER to you?
there's always been this ONE question i wanted to ask;
but now, after everything..
how can i ask it again?
the stupid things i did, the foolish things i said.
i could apologise a thousand times over,
but it wouldn't be enough.

in retrospect,
i couldn't be more stupid.
so now, i pay the price.

WHY WON'T YOU JUST TALK TO ME?

Time passes.
people change.
it's comforting to know some remain the same.
situations may change, company might vary;
but at the end of the day,
there are some who never really morph with time.
those people are blessings,
and even more so,
if we can still complement each other like we used to.

i feel blessed.

theHOTfamily.
3i 05/4i 06
CPB.
instructors 05/OALs 06.

God, forgive me.
i've strayed so far.
draw me close to You, one again..

PP macs; forever and always, huh?
the leaders spent FOUR hours talking,
laughing, confessing.
it was all good.
i'll miss the OALs.
we should do it agian, some time(:
(perhaps, we'll actually go to MAC NET? (: )

mmh.went out to pp koptiam with wanping, yusin, belle, arica and sarah too.
talked, exahnged STORIES.
laughed, fell prey to an April fools' joke
(i'm gonna get you ONE DAY, FAIZAH)
and picked up on SCANDALS. (diandiandian! ;) )

we don't always get what we wish for.
but for those that do come true...
we don't always treasure.

'let's pretend that i've moved on and that life goes on without YOU.'

Have you ever been there;
in a place where you regret everything you've done,
everything you've said?
when memories flash by,
reminding you of the person you could've been,
but not are?

Have you ever been there;
in a place of no consequence,
where things move monotonously?
when you can't tell the past from the present,
confused about everything that lies behind,
in front, or BEFORE you?

Have you ever been there;
in a place where you see the possible future,
and what you would do, in time to come?
have you ever been afriad of teh thigns you MIGHT do,
have you ever feared the reoccurance of a mistake,
espcially a big one?

Sometimes, i don't know where i am.
sometimes, i don't know WHO i am.
the scariest thing is that sometimes,
we don't bother.
i'm losing sight of the things before me,
i don't know what i'm supposed to do NOW.
lost meanings, blurred lines.
how can we exist without purpose?

are we living, or merely existing?
sometimes, i wonder.

someone just told me to 'not be too afraid'.
it's comical how that applies to every aspect of life.
we lose, we gain.
at teh end of the day,
will THEY stay?

sometimes, i wonder.

That quiet desperation;
a plea for help, perhaps.
trapped, alone, smothered.
there is seemingly no way out.
so many things lie ahead,
and there IS only one road to take.
you had come so far...
to give it all up now?

sometimes, i'd like to think ignoreance was bliss;
that expectation never really befell the ignorant.
they were blissfully unaware of what the society expected,
of what others expected.
perhaps, then, they didn't have any presonal expectations.
nothing to mould their future, nothing to shape their thoughts.
isn't that a scary thought;
not to have any backing, not to have skeletal beliefs.
what does it mean to live, when you're ignorant?
would we rather be 'blissful', then?

sometimes, the choices we make lead us to more choices;
innumerable number of roads to walk down,
countless decisions to make.
yet, at each and every crossroad we come to,
sensations are different; predicaments are different.
can we trust TRENDS, then?
the superstitious believe in a certain trend that governs all else;
that a particular action would DEFINITELY lead to a particular outcome.
no wonder there are the sceptics;
nothing's ever the same.

life then, life now;
if they were meant to be different?
why do they feel the same?
that monotony, the feeling we're PULLED along to SOMEWHERE.
we are expected to 'perform' this year.
expected by society?expected by self?
WHICH IS WORSE?
i guess we all some to a point where we no longer know who's expectations we're living up to.
after all, society shapes who we are,
and what we expect of ourselves.
BUT, humans can only take SO much.
when do we crack, when do we burst?
i don't want to see the day,
yet, i have a feeling it's inevitable.

strange, isn't it;
that we're all supposedly 'unique',
but at the end of the day,
we only have personal betterment in mind.
the process of getting there, eh?
perhaps, just perhaps...

daunting.
yet, exciting.
caught in the limbo between anxiety and anticipation,
and i finally realise that the line has been blurred.
then again, who am i to judge?
so many before me, so many among us;
all equally if noe MORE talented.
who am i to feel such pressure?

i wonder when i'll ever be as good as the rest.
perhaps, never.
then again, only we can live for ourselves.
so why bother about the rest?

GAH.i think schizophrenia's inborn.
it's how much you show it that determines whether or not you're a nut case.

Just had another random phone call.
i wonder if we'll leave an impact when we leave,
the way our seniors impacted us..

GOOD LUCK IN AJ!

Leaders' Investiture 2006.
it was great!(:
all the committess, the commitment, the HARD WORK.
everything paid off yesterday.
the feedback waa good, we felt great.
what more could we have asked for?
to think it was our last investiture...

DECO COMM:
Y'ALL ROCK MY SOCKS OFF!
everything we did together-
the PAINTING, the SQUISHY PAINT, the STYROFOAM, the RETARDED BANNER PAINTING, the GLITTER, the BALLS (christmas and PINK AND GREEN ones), the CLOTH, the RIBBONS, the WORDS, the CELLOPHANE.
everything looked great yesterday.(:
thanks to all those who helped out(:
evelyn and i went back into the MPH to take photos of ALL the deco put up..
so, expect to see the pics soon!(:
deco comm 06 rocks!

IT COMM:
GOSH.the ones who work the latest.
all yopur lat night [aid off!
the videos were GREAT!(: (:
all of you DESERVE A BREAK.
SLEEP MORE!
thanks, IT comm, for the times we bummed at belle's house too.
a few more for the memories!(:

THE REST OF THE COMMS:
thanks for everything!(:
it all came together very nicely yesterday(:
thanks for helping out with deco too(:

THE PLAY PEOPLE:
the numerous rehearsals, the constant editing of the script, EVERYTHING.
i'll miss EVERYTHING.
thank you DIRECTORS; i don't think we would've gotten into character as easily as we did, without them(:
thank you CHARACTERS!the line running, the nervous fits, the weird warm-ups, the AM CHIO-ING, the LAUGHING.haha, i enjoyed myself(: the characters were great!(: [jasna/PMthegreat;kelsey/#AG74;devika/SG#1/manyara)
thank you dancers!hahahaha, I LOVED THE DANCES!(: (:

SEC 4 PCs 06:
we'll continue to rock.
I had fun at swensens.
the spastic photo taking, the GOSSIPING (ohsocharmingzl!), the SLOW eating, the MESSY EATER, the salt and pepper drink, the ice cream we couldn't finish, the LAUGHING..the bonding.
another thing to remember the pcs by.
i can't believe it's all gonna end 8 months down the road.
take care, y'all..take care.

I'll miss the rehearsals.[eventhoughtheyweretimeconsuming,frustratingandheadache-causing]
All the times ***** did HIGH-KNEE LIFTS.
the very loud whispering.
the lunches after rehearsals.
the talking before/during/after the rehearsals.
the bumming at belle's house.
the gossiping.
the LAUGHING. [okay, so we laughed alot..]
EVERYTHING.

our best one yet,
our best one yet...

THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
okay, maybe not yet, but they'll be in a few hours.
then again, when did they ever start?
WORK + INVEST REHEARSALS + DECOM COMM MEETINGS(a FEW of you rock(: ) = NO TIME FOR ANYTHING ELSE.
okay, maybe a few activitie.
but only a SLECET FEW.
sheesh.here are those which matter:
monday 13/3 -
invest rehearsal from 8 - 12-ish.
lunch with phy, khong and daddy.
EXAHNGED INFO.aherrmmm.
obsessions~!..haha, and the ohsoyummy CHICKEN RICE(:
tuesday 14/3 -
invest rehearsal from 8 - 1-ish.
sheesh; had a serious deco comm meeting (minues the EXTRAS) + smoothed out the kinks in the play/skit thingy. [reka + lilin + achala = great group of directors(: ]
planned to go out with the muthus, but ended up catching lunch with zhen luan, belle, TEH and arica at joo seng; WHILE waiting for our pizza.(muthus present: phy, khong, dhilshad)
bummed at belle's house while 1)watching the IT comm stress out 2)trying VERY HARD to finish out pizzas 3)watching the dvd of 19022005 [i miss the instructor days ): ): ] ARICA, TEH!no telling what you saw ;) 4)being VERY stalker-ish and gaining something :x 5)reminded of how close khong and i used to beand that we ARE childhood friends. hurhur. 6)getting stressed over deco stuff
i had a good time - reminiscing, bonding, and creating new memories.
some things just stick with you, even after tim has passed...
wednesday 15/3 -
went back to school for deco.
gosh, HOW EVELYN, ARICA AND I PANICKED!
not to mention, got pissed.
SIGH.some things never change...
thank goodness TEH came along to help and take pics :p
DHILSHAD came to help TIDY UP, when all of the WORK WAS DONE x)
went to get the qi1mao2mi2fen3 before going to belle's house for lunch.
SINING WAS THERE!(: (: haha, but she was sick ):
we watched the IT comm ppl slog it out again..poor things..
but the video came VERY NICELY together(: (:
arica and i TRIED to do some deco stuff, but failed miserably :p
THANKS TO SINING FOR THE HELP(:
haha, then the last half hr - 45mins were spent very narcisisstically taking photos,
but having a good laugh/time as well.
[ohsochio zhen luan with the specs atop her head!]
cabbed to tuition with zhen luan after.
thursday 16/3 -
final invest rehearsal for the hols.
met phy, tata and khong for bfast
(meeting pei chun and BALA there)
walked to school, then did work (in defiance) in the canteen.
joined the rest in the MPH at 11.
DID DECO STUFF TILL THE REHEARSAL STARTED.
the rehearsal was ok..with funny anecdotes throughout..
['what number can i call you at?']
then the PLAY VATTING.
sheesh.panic doesn't help anything.
changed the script quite a bit,
then went to sp macs with achala, amelia, dhilshad and novabelle.
HURHUR.nice meal.then OFF HOME~!
decided to ahve THE GOOD, LONG TALK THAT NIGHT.
nice.ahem, thanks.(:
[i'm positive my heart's liquid now :p ]
friday 17/3 -
woke up LATE, bummed around.
did almost NOTHING.
then got ready for tuition + the HOTdinner.
zhen luan looked like a GUY.
ohh well.the bubbly chocolate was nice~!(:
haha, the dinner was fun(: the CACAT bus ride there was very..
attention grabbing.
(ahem, 'thank goodness we aren't in school u.'?)
exhange of info = alot of laughing
catching up + a round of truth or dare + girly magazine reading = wishing the night would never end.
but, it did.sigh.SLEEP OVER, next time?
cabbed home with zhen luan and jazzy.
saturday 18/3 -
DID WORK.

yup, needless to say, it's been a pretty boring week.
sigh.

i'm still suffering from OAC withdrawal.
symptoms include: -
1.wishing for OAC days to return.
2.pining for milo and LEMON biscuits.
3.wanted to wash dishes.
4.eating as fast as humanly possible.
5.searching for a marker and masking tape to write one's name
6.looking around for *the muthus *the kitchen dept *other random leaders + instructors.
7.having obsessive compulsice disorder when sweeping.
8.suddenly jumping up, ready for a game of pepsi-cola.
9.wanting to sleep on the floor.
10.randomly plopping on the ground (cepat mati)

gosh.it's only been 2 weeks?
i wonder what will happen to us in 2 months..

i miss the chief, asst chiefs and leaders.
i miss the instructors.

One, LONG conversation with a GOOD, OLD friend.
haha, so many things have happened;
but thank God, i was reminded of how good it felt to talk(:
thank you, scandalous OLD friend(:

and, ahem. *HEART MELTS!*(:

It feels so weird to be home.
6 days changed so many things;
i wonder how i ever dreaded it.
everything about it was amazing, magical.
and now, i miss it badly.
VERY badly.
i'll miss the INTRUCTORS.
the good times the LEADERS had.
the random quotes from CHIEF and the ASST CHIEFS.
(even our kitchen brudders)
HAH.6 days, 5 nights - amazing.

day 1 - WOOHOO!!reached LAC.dumped stuff in dorms, went to do kitchen stuff.FINALLY GOT TO MEET SURIA.HAHA.right, so we were washing the beverage coolers and everything, getting used to our kitchen too.then, bin wei and i went for GATE DUTY.(: we sat, and talked..then dragged DHILSHAD THE ROCK and SURIA to join us(: we BONDED as a dept and HAD A GOOD TIME. (ahem, 'DOLLY PARTON' and the horny bees.the ambitions, the personal facts.[BLACK BELT SURIA].the dept pic...) THEN, DINNER.rushed, loud, busy.but we loved it anyway(: INAUGURAL DUMPING OF DINNER ON A PLATE AND EATING IT TOGETHER! record: 3mins.(: THEN, ASTRONOMY.WE SAW SATURN!and ORION'S BELT!and TAURUS AND SIRIUS!and MARS!(: haha, and of course, we had a good time crapping (BOMBING) etc(: too bad bin wei wasn't there ): ahh well.went back to LAC for debrief and NIGHT CAP (PEANUT BUTTER BISCUITS!LEMON BISCUITS!), then LEADERS/INTRUSTORS DEBRIEF.two words: thank goodness. MOVING ON..(: SENTRY!!!!(: (: aah.got the sucky 2am-4am slot, but thank goodness the company was relatively good(: i was with XIUQI, SURIA, KATHLEEN and BIRU.hah(: slack, sleepy, surprising(: but, it was all good(: [i was DARN surprised by what i saw SOMEONE doing at THREE AM IN T&HE MORNING!]

day 2 - i THINK we had tower(: ahem, KITCHEN took the INITIATIVE to refill PEOPLE'S WATER BOTTLES cos we KNOW that most suffered from dehydration last year..so, we had to change it, right?(: AND!!!we got to rule OAC, even if it was for 10 mins. (CHAN, MALI, CHAN, HOI HOI!) it was DARN fun(: dhilshad's funny.(: AND WE ABSEILED!!!(: (: i'll always remember how it felt like to go down the 'spiderman way'.THANK YOU, INSTRUCTOR IVAN! woohoo!then dhil climbed the ROCK WALL! bin wei came back to see it too! then a certain SOMEONE ran away when the LEADERS asked her to see dhil climbing.so sad ): OH WELL. :p haha, BUT DHILSHAD WAS GREAT!!(: (: lunch was rather uneventful, but we could see SOMEONE improving..and it was..good.we were happy(: HAH.then it was off to slacking at the first aid base i think(: I SLEPT!whoops. :p but it was good bonding time with the kitchen dept too.(: (i called someone using my pencil case!) then we received..disturbing..news.if any one of you read this, jiayou.it's over..and i think you guys did great(: 'truly, madly, deeply'; i really believe so.cyring's good for the mind, body and soul..so..(: i'm glad y'all did it(: and the kithen dept rocks.really.if dhil/bin wei reads this, I'LL BE HERE FOR YOU, ALWAYS!..remember day 2 night? 'i think i'm going to BOMB soon, i'm starting to FART already' - phy.haha(: the talking, the laughing(: the SENSUAL SOUNDS, courtesy of dhilshad, the AM chio-ing and everything in between.EVEN THE BRUISE RUBBING..(: you guys rock.then, NIGHT CAP!BATHING TIME!!(: the showing group!(phy, kitchen dept, tata..)and OFF TO BED!(: (no debrief!) had prayers with lilin, phy and cheryl too.(: God blessed this camp.i know it.WE know it.(: and that concludes day 2..(:

[part 2]
day 3 - CAMPFIRE PREP!FIRST ACT!haha, i was waking around with dhilshad initially, refilling and stuff before stopping by the COURTYARD.sining and i did something retarded.ahem!raisingourhandsuprandomlytoconfusetheinstructors (: (: wahoo!haha, and poor SOMEONE and SOMEONE2.cheer up both SOMEONEs!*writingonthehand..* then LUNCH!(: ahhh..SOMEONE was improving(: i THINK lunch was rushed too(: HMM.then we had, THE CRUISE.tsk!***** and other leaders were falling asleep!but it was so darn hot/sunny/windy.super nice la(: AND I GOT SLIGHTLY RED-ER COS I WAS SITTING IN THE FRONT!(: *looks pleased* anyway..kusu island was the same, as last year.only we saw the turtles alot more(: haha, siying and dolly were scaring the campers with their fake-fierce thing(: TSK!(: ahha, and the journey back to LAC was spent taking pics and trying to eavesdorp in the instructors' conversation x) ohh well.misson: unsuccessful.then again, we DID manage to find out random stuff bout a certain SOMEONE.lame ass, INDEED. :p haha, then it was BACK TO CAMP!dinner went on as usual(: but with certain complications.to our sun: IT AIN'T YOUR FAULT.and all of us agree that you did BRILLIANTLY(: *nods* (: then the kitchen dept decided to have a NICE, LONG, TALK(: ahh, yes.memories were dug up, things confornted; but it was all good(: i saw a side of my darling ROCK and STONE i never saw before..and it was conforting to know that they shared it(: kitchen ROCKS(: haha, then NIGHT CAP!(: MILO MAKING(: i love the way all four of us would crowd round that singular, PATHETIC water coler, in attempt to create NICE, nottoosweet milo(: [the rotation of the TESTING spoon! :p]and of course, the BISCUIT RATIONING!campers = monsters during night cap.TERRIBLE!then again, it only goes to show that OUR night cap is good(: HAHA.then, bonding time with the leaders while tata and rachel gave the AR and LC briefing.(: more random grinning and waving(: haha, OALs 05-06 rock(: haha, then bath time and LIGHTS OUT!caught up with the muthus too(: it's nice talking with all your heads against one another's(: i had fun(: and phy's sleeping bag rocks!(:

day 4 - haha, expressions: WE SLEPT!FOR THREE WHOLE HOURS! pro-ness.then again, most were sleeping..so.. :p phy's sleeping bag is nice and soft and warm!(: haha, LUNCH!(: = happy/proud(: hha, i think we had campfire prep after that(: 3C and the polar bear game!(: ultra super cute(: ahem CHERYL LWIN AND SURIA = evil polar bears(: and stupid dancing khong and i did when we thought NO ONE WAS LOOKING :p ohh well(: haha, then...THE ULTRA SUPER COOL AND FUN PEPSI COLA GAME!!(: leaders vs instructors(: HAHA(: suria + CHERYL *TRIES to stare down* + arica = one MEAN game(: esp that SURIA.killed so many ppl, eh?haha, but it was all good.we had fun(: all of us(: i'll miss those games for a VERY long time to come.. ): ahh well, then DINNER!HAHAHA.then following that.,.we had the ohsoretarded MARCHING THING!..goodness.suria and sarah must have had a field day laughing at all their leaders.CACAT!!!haha, 'the birth of the cepat mati squad'(: i'm gonna miss that BADLY.sigh..haha, even ACM joined in!(: hilarious!haha, then SOMETHING happened.marathon indeed, eh?(: ..night cap..and the FIRST BATCH OF MILO SOMEONE MADE ON HER OWN!(well, mostly on her own anyway :p) night cap was GOOD.more rationing + second round of milo = FULL campers(: haha, then bathign time!i think lilin, cheryl chin, phy, shaoyu and i had bs with mr sng that day.it was..enlightening(:

day 5 - sigh.second last day of camp ): shin wei and sruia went of for AR and LC respectively, so dhilshad and i walked round randomly/slacked(: i think some slacking with phy was also in order(: then..ACM and i went up to join expressions.HAHA.then we randomly called ADLIN out to teacher her cepat mati!one word: ADORABLE!!:p whoops, random.haha, then, LUNCH!bin wei, phy and i were sleeping in the dining hall when suddenly a gp of campers asked for permission to enter.ALL OF US jumped up immediately, but subsequently fell asleep AGAIN, on the table :p but lunch was good, and getting better ;) after lunch, we continued to slack in the kitchen(: the kitchen dept TRIED to write SOMETHING, but ended up doodling on my foolscap (i still keep it!) and stoning(: belle, phy and i started to sing random songs..(: all of which were attentively listened to by a SINGLE low zhun luan.sigh(: haha, but it was fun(: then, the INSTRUCTORS JOINED US!they ASKED, if they had ANYTHING to do..so..we asked them to plkay PEPSI COLA with us(: it was DURIAN, MULAN, suria and cheryl vs belle, zhen luan, shin wei and i(: haha, it got more fun later, with dhilshad smaking ppl's butts with the microphone-pen(: [BUTT FETISH! :p]haha, darn fun(: then..after seeeing to CERTAIN MATTERS..kitchen was off to the dorms to (finally) write our SOMETHING!haha, we tried to make it meaningful and as memorable as possible..soo..(: haha, then we gave it to our sun, in hope that it made her happy(: huggs + billy banja-ing + sheepish grins + peering at photos and notebooks = happy kitchen dept(: haha, then..we had the ALL MIGHTY..CAMPFIRE!..the leaders vowed to be most enthu, to make our last campfire in our capacity as leaders more..fun(: everything went well..BRILLINT FIREBALL, SINING(: and the cf dept was pro too(: I LOVED the fire!(: haha, all the cf items were super adorable too!(: (ahem! HAHA's sister, 'jennifer NOT dao and suria DAO' :p) then..the INSTRUCTORS' ITEM!(: it was DARN cute(: and amusing(: haha(: then..the ncc ppl were called away, right after their item and just before ours.note + goodbye = tears of joy/sorrow.sigh.then our item(: CEPAT MATI!, 'MORE BIRDS, MORE LUCK', 'GOLD 90 FM', '3G PHONES', 'PINGPONGPOO!SOOKOOKOO!'..haha, amusing(: and fun(: lots of fun(: still, our hearts broke when we remembered that _____________. ): ohh well.but night cap was great(: 2 rounds of milo + finished biscuits = satisfied everyone(: (sorry phy!) HAH!debrief was PANICKY; cos we suddenly remembered that _____________. ): aiiyyee.then, the last night of camp.we were rushed off to the showers where the newly formed muthu family TALKED(: before, during and after shower(: I LOVE MY PAPA, MAMA, GIRL, BOY AND CURRY!(: the muthus rock(: (: haha, then..at about 1 or 2?..we all slept!(:

day 6 - last day of oac.fire drill at 5am.was..sleepy.sigh.then, we all woke up late for breakfast; only for kitchen to realise we didn't have _____ any more ): ohh well.PORRIDGE!then mass cleaning up.heart breaking as it was to pack up and leave, we did.and it was back to cedar.the bus trip home was fun(: singing songs, reminiscing.(: everyone loved it(: then, back to school for debrief.fdc ppl: CHEER UP(: everyone's behind you(: random.whoops.right, then the leaders went to pp macs, only to find a whole table of instructors there(: we had fun..inter-table talking and fun on the spider web(: a short, meningful bonding session. (not it's last, i hope)..

..i'm gonna miss the leaders and instructors.
(espcially the understudies).


every word brings back a memory.
and i even then, i know that words will NEVER be enough..

'you'll be in my heart'
OALs, instructors...

OAC 2006.
i'm left speechless.
so many good times, too mnay new memories.
revivial of some things in the past.
things change, people change;
but some things never will.

THANK YOU CHIEF, ASSISTANT CHIEFS AND LEADERS.
thank you, kitchen, for everything.
(ahem, "credit must be given to suria...")
the best camp i've had yet.
the memories will stay forever.

"'cos you'll be in my heart;
yes, you'll be in my heart.
from this day on,
now and forever more"

"as we go on, we remember all the times we had together.
(as leaders AND intrustors)
and as our lives change, come whatever,
WE WILL STILL BE FRIENDS FOREVER"

"CEPAT MATI", "CACAT"
the hose.the squirting.
the 'ang chio'-ing.
the nick-naming.
the milo-making.
the crying.
the talking.
the laughing.
everything...

OAC 2006;
forever and always.

OAC's in 2 days.
our "last" camp.
our "last" campfire.
everything will come together during oac,
and finally reach a huge finale.
aah yes, things have defnitely changed.
we are no longer INSTRUCTORS.
we're LEADERS now.
i wonder if that means anything more than our predecessors,
or anything less than what's expected of us.
only time will tell.
our beloved kitchen in Labrador campsite..
here the kitchen dept comes.
PILE THE FOOD, BABY.

That bitch will have to take back her words one day.
i hope that when she does,
she'll REGRET it like never before.
she's not as cool as she thinks.
"****" man.HAH.
impressive?
..i think not.

hmmm, another person.
we thought it'd be easier to keep it tight between US,
but look; it's disappearing.
i don't know what it was,
or why this IS so sudden,
but i know that none of us wanted it to happen.
you're suddenly so far away;
and we're left behind, or starnded,
wondering what we did or what went wrong.
we were SO CLOSE.
everyday, every minute.
till our bills exploded, remember?
haha, i loved those times;
when we could share freely.
it's not impossible to bring that all back,
we just need to try --
try our HARDEST, try our BEST.
and if God wills it,
it'll all come back,
WITH A VENGENCE.

darling, i was thinking about it too.
and i'm as confused as you.
hopefully, we'll be able to work it out,
and bring our last third back.

The JYC publicity committee 2005 forever...

Like a prick in the dark;
it still hurts.
i don't know HOW, and don't know WHY.
i JUST KNOW i does.
i cannot see it, yet i know.
it's one of those unforgettable things;
everything -- it's just hard to forget.

BUT, perhaps, i need to..

God sustain me.
make me all YOU want me TO BE,
for YOUR will be DONE.

I've done the most IDIOTIC things in my life,
yet i'm still alive.
some times, knowing too much could kill you.
thank God, i know enough to keep my alive,
but nothing more.

A knife in the chest

we wish for the strangest things.
things that could lead to PARANOIA.
yet, we want them anyway.
it's kind of sad, that we're so stubborn.
haha, then again;
i'm probably the worst.

the things we want, but can never have.
the forbidden fruit always tastes the sweetest.
HAHA, if only things weren't so true...

sometimes, memories need to be erased to move on.
so then; do i, or NOT?

why can't i move on?

weird occurances.
stupid habits.
won't stop.can't stop.

just keep moving, just keep moving...
don't stagnate.
they're catching up.
just keep moving, just keep moving...

i'm still stuck

SCHOOL.haha, what a joke.
revision, tests, homework.
people, FRIENDS.
mixing.
i don't get it, sometimes.
1 step, 2 steps, 3 steps, four.
in, out.found, lost.

'Cause you'll be in my heart;
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on, now and forever more
You'll be in my heart;
No matter what they say.
You'll be here in my heart, always

Why can't they understand the way we feel
They just don't trust what they can't explain
I know we're different but, deep inside us
We're not that different at all

Time to start thinking about the things i've said and done.
Time to set new targets.
Time to move on.

The things we'll never have...

I LOVE MY DARLING(:
and SISTERS(:

HAHA, i can't say many thing have hapened,
but i'll say that things have definietly changed.
then again, SO WHAT IF THEY HAVE?
i can't do anything even if i wanted to.
no wonder people like POWER.
...change wouldn't be a problem.

what i'd give to go back in time.
to a time when everything SEEMED to look right;
when all of us were 'tight';
when we were still close.
now, all of that seems to have dissipated.
and i'm left here,
wondering what happened.

it's a miracle i screw up every good thing that happens to me.
i wonder if it's a curse.

Some times, God lets things happen for a reason.
though we might not always know why,
He does.
and that's all that matters.

I don't care about what happens,
or who i am or become any more.
because it's what and who He wants me to be.

I lift my life up to Him.

It's happening.
too quickly.

THE FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL HAS JUST ENDED.
AND..
we've got homework already.
WONDERFUL way to spend the first weekend of 2006.
sigh, but i think even if we weren't given any homework,
we'd still have to start our Olevel prep anyway.
revsion has GOT TO START.
no way, am i going to wait till the MYEs arrive.
then again, come to think of it,
they MYEs aren't too far away.

WHAT AM I THINKING.
it's only the 6th of jaunary.
MYEs are in MAY.
then again, time flies past way too quickly.
maybe next time i look back,
the MYEs might be OVER.
goodness, how i hate time.
the way it passes;
the way it can never come back, after it's gone.
i ahte it.
but there are some things we can't change,
and i guess that's something i'll have to accept.

time's speeding up again.
the lessons are in full swing,
homework's piling up.
so is revision.
mschee is getting crazier and crzaier with her time limits for sum-doing,
and everyone's barely understanding.
time to get going, i guess.
i can't stay here forever.

The only constant in life is change.
i just wish it weren't so.
"How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?"
"Blessed be your name, on the road marked with suffering"

It's gonna be ONE LONG YEAR..

And just like THAT,
the school year starts.
it was such a weird feeling,
going back to school;
seeing familiar faces and places again.
doing the things i used to do.
it felt as if i never had a holiday.
the stress is STARTING to build,
expectations have been set,
and things have started turning.
what a scary thought it is;
to think that i could've forgotten the holidays to fast.

UP go those bras

"the harder you try,
the more you won't make it.
wehn it comes to people,
they like to do the opposite of what you want them to do".
or something along those lines.
WELL, no wonder things didn't work out with a certain...
group. the HOTfamily...
'i tried so hard and got so far,
but in the end, it doesn't even matter.
i had to fall, to lose it all.
but in the end, it doesn't even matter...'
perhaps, things will be different.
perhaps, with God's grace,
things will turn out FINE this time.
"If it's His will,
he will not only burden YOUR heart.
but he'll burden ALL our hearts".
i guess.
nothing happens by coincidence.
and so, i wait.

It's such a wonderful thing to be sick at home;
staring out at the rain,
and wondering if there was more to life.

No more time to waste;
the planning starts now.
to take things one step at a time?
not this year.
"not slow and steady,
but fast and accurate".
well, that's something we've got NO CHOICE,
but to learn this year.

Fast and accurate.
fast and accurate...

BLESSED BE YOUR NAME
Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Oh, There's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to stay
Lord, Blessed be your name

AHHH.
the new year's finally here.
i didn't want it to come.
i still don't.
but it's here anyway.
2006 -- sec 4, Os, LOTS AND LOTS OF STRESS.
sounds PROMISING.
oh well, better to be positive about it i guess.
LET THE GAMES BEGIN.

the last few days of 2005 were WONDEFUL.(:
(minus the falling sick part)
the WEIRD leadership camp in sentosa--
the flying chicken during our MULTI-LEVEL(LAYER) CAPTAIN'S BALL.
or.."amaeypadeypadeyjiggerebah!"
OKAY!..ALRIGHT!..hahaha.
the sec 1 ORIENTATION--
"SHERMAINE IN YELLOW/WHITE!" -_-
*clapclapclap* YAYYYY! -_-
or.."AHHHH!MINE'S ONLY 11 MB!!"hahaha

and of course..
THE LAST OUTING WITH THE COMM (or half of it)
tiff, jake, rach, dlam, jane and john.
i practically ran home from school then rushed out again after a HURRIED lunch.
barely made it into the train when i saw..
JOHN!
xia4si3ren2 indeed.
then we met the rest at palawan beach itself,
seeing jane in her bikini and all.
(HORRIBLE IMAGES!!)
and tiff joined in later too(:
alot of dunking followed..
and an AMUSING conversation about..
GENTLEMANLY SUPPORT. (or lack of in that poor lady's case)
then we ended the day with jumping off the jetty at siloso beach.
(: unforgettable fun.

2006 is here.
2005 is gone.
i can start anew.
i can choose to forget.
"see it as something you've passed,
then when the time is right;
look back and see how far you've come."
thanks jane.
thanks everyone;
for making my 2005 memorable.
if God wills it,
please stay in my 2006(:

God bless this new year.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Jingle bells, batman smells;
robin laid an EGG!
bat mobile lost its wheels,
and joker got AWAY!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO..
OHSOCRAZYBUTCUTE NII-CHAN!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

i'm keeping the memories forever.
Christmas is but 2 days away...
i hope the notes mean something to all of you.

The 20th came and went.
I LOVED IT.
the girls looked awesome(:
the guys were sweet; flowers and all.
i guess it was a little tense at first,
but AFTER the murder mystery,
things got ALOT better.
what with poker, bridge and MAHJONG.
[i still have itchy fingers]
took photos.
i LOVE them ALL.
pieces of all of us.
memories to keep.
to reminisce when needed.

that was the last of the 'meetings'.
school is starting in 10 days.
i'm scared.
but above all,
i don't want THIS to end.

i'll miss the comm...

Who I am hates who I've been. Relient K
I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the pacific
And you might think I'm losing my mind
But I will shy away from the specifics
Cause I don't want you to know where I am
Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been
And this is no place to try and live my life

Stop right there
That's exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should've crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should've said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

I talked to absolutely no one
Couldn't keep to myself enough
And the things bottled inside had finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'd soon blow up

And I heard the reverberating footsteps
Syncing up to the beating of my heart
And I was positive that unless I got myself together
I would watch me fall apart

And I can't let that happen again
Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been
And this is no place to try and live my life

Stop right there
That's exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should've crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should've said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me
Who I am hates who I've been
Cause who I've been only ever made me

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

we can't be sure of a lot of things.
and i guess that's what makes life..
LIFE.
we don't dare expect too much,
for fear of disappointment.
but the funny thing is,
we expect the unexpected ANYWAY.
which sounds ridiculous,
but is actually happening.
the stupid things we do as humans.

ahh, 2005 is coming to a close.
i'm happy 2005 happened.
it's the best year i've had yet,
even in spite of all the rocky bits.
i've learnt so many things this year.
i've had countles revelations about things that mattered.
and after all that,
i'm becoming happier.
because now, i know who i am.
and i guess i don't need any one to show me that.
i can't measure myself worth.
i WON'T.
take it or leave it,
i won't care any more.
the attention, the conversations?
I'VE HAD IT WITH INITIATING.
do it yourself, or leave everything behind.
i couldn't care less any more.

it's easy to say, i guess.
defintely another issue to actually do it.
till i get over this,
i know i have people who love and accept me wholly.
and frankly, that's all that matters.

WAHOO!
[aahhh, a nice change for this blog, eh?]
MY HOMEWORK IS STARING AT ME EVILY.
IT WANTS TO EAT ME UP!
AAIIYYYEEE!!!
*runs around screaming*
*maid and sis stare weirdly*
*retreats back to room*
MY REVISION IS STARING AT ME WORRYINGLY!
IT WANTS TO KILL ME!!
AAAIIIIYYEEEEEE!!!!
*runs arounds screaming*
*maid and sis scream for 'peace and quiet'*
*glares at the two STRANGERS*
*retreats back to room*
MY BOOKS ARE GLARING AT ME ANGRILY!!!
THEY WANT TO KILL, CRUSH THEN EAT ME!!!!
AAAAAAAAIIIIIYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEE!!!!
SOMEONE SAVE ME!!!
*runs around screaming*
*maid and sis sigh in exasperation*
*points and LAUGHS*
*screams a 'wahoo!'*
*retreats back to room satisfied*

hey JAZZY, ZILING, RACHEL AND THE REST OF THE HOTFAMILY!!!
..i'm BAAACKKK!!
wahooo!!(: (:
i dare you people!
MAKE ME LAUGH!!(: (:
jaz, zi and rach: i'm hungry.and EVERYONE'S HORNY!

WAHOO!!

I guess i went to far.
then again, how is one to tell?
repurcussions, repurcussions.

some things we look forward to,
some things we dread.
do we, then, remain numb in between?

next year's coming too soon.

SYC breaks camp today.
it was..FUN.
and i agree.
camps are more enjoyable for the helpers,
not the committee.

Day 1: Amazing race.
rachh, tiff, jane and i were supposed to walk round east point wearing a specific pair of ear rings, while the groups looked for the respective ear rings we wore.after that station, we made our way down to the airport for an inpromptu station.the groups were told to find the link between 2 terminals.as we expected, the groups came to tiff and i at the sky train.after making them do various..activities..we told them that they were at the wrong station, telling them to find rachh and jane instead.after that, tiff and i met john and adriel, making our way to a VERY ULU-ATED coffeee bean to satisfy tiff's coffee craving.HAHA.funny stuff happened at coffee bean, and now i have a "white wall" for an ass.oohhhkaayy..

Day 2: Station games.
met jane earlier that morning to have a GOOD LONG CHAT.then, went with her to idp to check out her australian unis; MKAING US VERY LATE FOR THE ACTUAL GAMES.ohh well, john/jake/rachh/huiting seemed to be ok without me anyway.haha.our station involved getting lost in distractions [loud music, math questions, memory games, etc], while TRYING to memorize a LONG verse.HAHA.after the games, we bummed at jane's house playing bridge, daidi and heart attack originally.then jane brought out her mahjong and rachh, jane, jake, john and i ended up playing 8 rounds of mahjonh.WITH JAKE WINNING 5 ROUNDS.ohh well.then we went for a nice prata dinner..wahoo!

Day 3: Beach games
ariived at the east coast with jane and rachh at 7.45.we were given a final briefing and assigned to the various stations, before moving to our respective stations.rachh and i were in charge of the 'crawling muah chee' station, which involved the campers doing the hokey pokey [right hand, right leg, whole body] in the sea, before crawling through sand to find water bomb bags hidden in the water.HAHA.the last 2 groups that came to us very nicely dunked all of us into the sea.then, being wet and disgusting, we diceded to chase the guys around to get them wet too.EEHEE.in the end, all of us ended up swimming in the sea [1, 2, 3, 4, PUI PUI!], before our water bomb fight.[ASSEMBLY LINE!]haha, then we made our way back to church before going to the hiew residence to play bridge/daidi/mahjong/taboo, and laugh ourselves to death.after watching a few ridiculously funny clips, we went down to church for COP and dinner.

i had fun.
ALOT of fun.

AND NOW, for work.
ARRGHHH.

i'm sorry.
i could say it a thousand times over,
but i know i'll never be able to make up for what i did.
or what i DO.

i'm sorry.
i'm a miserable excuse for a human being.
someone ought to shoot me and rid this world of THIS irritance.
i AM the irritance.

i'm sorry.
i'm a mistake.
i don't deserve to be living.
others are more deserving.

i'm sorry.
i give so many excuses,
dealing them out one after another.
too many excuses.

i'm sorry.
i backstab, i lie.
i ought to die.
PLEASE, PLEASE kill me.

...i'm sorry for being me.
not that the world can forgive.

Parents.
two people i'll never be able to understand.
them and all their weird antics.
perhaps, IF/when i become a parent myself..
but DEFINITELY not now.

Life.
becoming monotonous again.
work, stone, sleep.
haha.but it better start now;
better than NEVER.
and besides, it's gonna be like that next year.
so, i can't complain, can i?

Friends.
funny people.
some of them mean it when they say that they'll "be there for you"
but, some of them don't.
thank God i met more of the former.
and i guess all of them,
are God's blessings to me.
i learn new things everyday;
and more often than not,
i learn from THEM.

this year's gonne be different.
i FEEL it.

Aahh.new week.
rachh's coming back tomorrow,
the hiews will be back on thursday.
adriel's leaving today for m'sia.
dlam's leaving for m'sia on thursday.
dng's in australia.
today, the number of US left in singapore stands at 3.
4, including jane.
lowest we've had yet, i think.
ohh well.
we'll all be re-united soon!
soon enough at least..

Went out for lunch with jane and john yesterday.
couldn't finish the carl's jr burger + fries + drink.
i'm gonna put on weight this holidays.
BUT, i wouldn't seem to care less.
hmmm.don't know why.
went to watch twist of fate too.
'AH SEE!'
haha.was quite funny at some parts.
but not the sort you would continue laughing over.
i guess it wasn't as 'wow' as it thought it would be.
ohh well.
it's been such a long time since i've done blogging like this.
haha.a good, or bad thing?
i wonder.

Change is good, i guess.

Now, TIME TO START WORK.
180 degree change indeed.
better NOW than LATER i guess.

I cannot think.
i must NOT think.

It's drizzling now.
the breeze is pleasant;
trees swaying and wind chimes souding in the distance.
everything's quiet.
i like decembers.
the world slows down,
the weather cools off.
and everything sees closure.
maybe this year,
more so than others.

SO MUCH WORK TO DO!
REVISION, HOMEWORK, ADVANCED STUDYING.
i say we'll all go insane,
if we did nothing else.
some are already on their way there.
next year; O level year.
and we're supposed to be ohsostressedandworried.
i some how don't seem to see that.
it's as if EVERYONE decided to take a break,
after a busy/tiring sec 3 year.
everyone can't bear to start work;
let alone revision or advanced studying.
but i guess, it's for the best.
we all need to learn the meaning of fun,
once in a while.
and as they say..
"better late than never".

God blessed me this holiday.
with JYC.
with the JYC committee.
i never knew i needed JYC so badly.
but now, i do.
and i really thank God that he has everything planned.
everything happens for a reason;
and THAT is highly comforting.
we're so relient on Him,
and some of us don't even know it.

Christmas shopping to do!
the LOVELY pub comm,
DNG, tiff, john, josh, jake, sam, adriel.
the 20th. 7pm.
i.can't.wait!
i hope we stay this way
PUB COMM + DNG!
studying for Os, shopping for prom and WHATNOT!
we'll do them , together(:

happiness isn't overrated.
i was just deluded (:

It's december already.
Christmas is 24 days away.
perhpas, it won't be so bad thing year.
maybe, miracles DO happen.
i'll just wait TO see.
time passed so quickly this year.
2005 is almost gone.
so many events, so many changes.
and i never expected it to be so..
unexpected.
i guess our seniors were right.
time did pass quickly in sec 3;
even till this moment,
time is flying away.

it's fascinating how complex life can be.
one minute you're laughing,
the next, you may be crying.
i don't get it some times;
how VOLATILE moods are.
and it's strange how these moods affect the decisions we make.
this year, alone,
i made a few..disturbing..decisions.
but, they've been made nonetheless.
and now, i face repurcussions of what i've done.
i can't erase my past;
because that's who i am.
everything i've done,
everything i've believed in up till this point,
contibutes to 'me'.
and there is no way i can change that.
so, why bother trying to?
"Don't seek acceptance FROM people,
seek PEOPLE who accept YOU."
hah.life COULD BE as simple as that.
some where, some how,
people were made to accept each and every one of us.
God made it so.
He promised us that we would never be alone;
and God never lies.
i'm ashamed to call myself a christian.
i never believed Him.

it's ironic that i discover most about life,
from non-christians.
it's as if they bring new ideas and concepts,
to the ones i already have in my head.
and they SHOW me what life COULD be,
without God, without a faith to cling onto.
they bring new points of view;
they bring diversity.
but through it all,
i see that i could NEVER live without Him.

it's funny how we couls spend our lives searching for perfection,
when perfection never really existed.
some waste their life away,
looking for the meaning of life,
when there IS no definite meaning.
and yet, through all our STUPID attempts ot be something better,
He would always be there.
probably sighing in frustration,
but there nonetheless.
all of us are kids, really.
we always want to be THE BEST.
the SMARTEST.
the FASTEST.
no one wants to be left behind, or forgotten.
we all want to belong.
and some times, some where along the way,
we forget who we truly belong to,
and what we truly NEED.
and, ironically, in that way,
we're never truly the BEST.
maybe some times,
it's better to get what you need,
rather than what you want>.

life COULD be confusing,
life COULD be depressing,
but it's a matter of choice.
at the end of the day,
life is as we see it.
and our perception changes everything.

We spend our lives trying to fit in.
but, do we EVER?
it's comical to think that some of us still bother to try,
after failing so many times.
so many people, so many events.
different crowds, different occasions.
YET, we never stop trying to fit in.
some people make it seem SO EASY.
they breeze through life,
as if company didn't make a difference.
then, there are those who never stop;
grovelling for attention and acknowledgement.
HAHA.
i think humans are funny creatures.
we're funny in our diversity;
we're funny in our differences.
so many things we could do,
and yet, we don't do them.
we choose something else.
and end up miserable.
HAHA.
i think life's a funny thing.

the window is open.
midnight sky, cool breeze.
everything's quiet.
i see lights in the distance,
trees swaying in the breeze.
i hear wind chimes
and the quiet trickling of water in the distance.
and i know that this is perfection.
then, i start to think.
of the times i've seen such perfection,
of the things i did at this time of the day.
i remember and everything comes rushing back to me.
every emotion; every situation; every person.
2/m chalet 2004.
we were bowling.
we were angry.
we went back, cried,
and decided to take a stroll.
a whole group of us.
ahh yes, the HOTfamily at its best.
walking along the beach,
feeling the wind against our bodies,
and the warmth from within.
there was a comfortable silence too.
if only i had a picture of the smiles.
August 2005.
a piece of seemingly bad news.
staircase landing.
muddled thoughts.
lacked courage.
bleeding.
HAHA.
how funny it seems.
insecurity.
incompetence.

i laugh at my own progression.
i hate to be up at night;
when the air's cool,
and everything's perfect.
i hate to be reminded of the past.
i hate to reminisce about how things WERE.
and yet, i still do these things.
HAHAHA.

now, he's gone.
someone please shoot me.

Christmas is drawing near.
26 days away, to be precise.
everyone seems excited bout it.
festive season, christmas spirit.
i don't get what these mean.
really.
christmas is about celebrating Christ's birth.
yes, and we do.
the gifts and GIVING them make it memorable.
but, isn't that all there is to christmas?
what's it that makes christmas so special?
why does everyone anticipate it?
i don't get it.
the splendor of christmas morning perhaps?
or the innocence and happiness when opening gifts?
i don't see it.
i don't get what makes christmas so special.
call me a sceptic,
or humbug..
i still won't be able to see.

i believed i have loved christmas before.
perhaps, as a child,
when everything was about the gifts and laughter.
how WOULD growing up change anything?
..i thought that i'd love christmas forever.
and today, i find myself saying that i hate it.
oh goodness, i'm turning into the Grinch.
maybe it's because of the past 2 years,
and the little significance each christmas holds for me.
i can't look back on the past 2 christmases,
and sigh in contentment of all the happiness i had experienced.
nope, not possible.
i thought that christmases were meant to be more splendid as the years passed,
but i guess not.
i guess resentment just got worse each year.
family in, family out.
some times, i feel as if i need a break.
but, my folks will never get that, will they?
it's always
"mind your uncles"
or
"take care of your grandparents"
or
"be careful of what you say"

i don't get the meaning of christmas.
it's devoid of family cheer.
each agthering is a torture.
and the rest of the day is spent in total boredom and reflection.
i wonder if my parents enjoy christmas;
they never seem to be happy about anything any more.

if everything boils down to duty and commitment,
what else would there be left to live for?
i can't imagine that day i forget what 'fun' feels like.
but, i guess that is what GROWING up does to you,
doesn't it?
it's depressing to see such things everyday.
no wonder people never want to grow up.

Some things i see,
some things i don't.
some things i was meant to see,
some things i wasn't.
but at the end of the day,
i'll judge what i see.
and based on that judgement,
i'll form my beliefs.

it's FUNNY how fast my moods change.
and how my 'beliefs' sway with my moods.
i hate the person i am now,
i hate the uncertainty i have toward certain things.
i hate the fact that i can't stand firm in what i believe in, at certain times.
but i guess, this IS all part of adolescence.
we discover who we are,
and we dicide what we believe in.
it's funny how a few years can change so much,
but that's how life is.
FUNNY.

and so, i laugh.
i ALWAYS laugh.
..don't i?
whether or not i man it, on the other hand,
is a different issue.

rachh's in L.A.
josh and jake are leaving for New Zealand.
deb's going to Australia.

a break for 'comm meetings' perhaps?
i hope not.
if there's one thing i want more than anything else,
it'll be that the comm stay close;
as close we can be anyway.
and that friendships will strengthen.
perhaps, THIS is my Christmas wish.
i just hope that i've been a good enough girl this year..

if you're reading this,
and i believe you are,
i'm sorry.
for your sake,
maybe it really is time for us to part ways.
you've got things to do,
a faith to believe in,
and i wont stand in your way.
i promise i wont mess it up.
yes, our lives are so different,
and i think we both need some time apart.
i've got thinking to be done,
re-papers to be faced,
and its probably best i do it alone.
you once said maybe you were too reliant on me.
i'm thinking, was i too reliant on you?
and i dont know.
i guess its also time for me to face this world on my own.
we promised never to say goodbye.
and i hope, maybe one day,
we can talk this over.
again.

i'm sorry.

love,
desmond.

babe, this is proof that i have read it.
you KNOW..i don't have to say it.
but perhaps, this is the best.
for now.
i'd like to talk it over, one day.
and till then, you don't have to be sorry for anything.
i should be sorry.

i'll still be loving you the way i did..
shermaine

Just read through my archives, and realized how different i was in the past.i used RACHAEL LINGO and wasn't embarrassed bout it.i recounted almost EVREYTHING in my life.i was relaxed, i felt secure..perhaps, even confident that i was enough.then some where, some how, all that began to change.the posts started getting more and more depressing.my 'confidence' was lost, and i became paranoid.everything deteriorated till i didn't know who i was, or what i stood for.i became a being, living for the sake of living.i had goals, yes, bu some how, they were all dashed; and i was left with nothing.i was an empty shell, living because i had to.

i don't know what's changed from then.am i still the same person?..or can i seek revival?SHOULD i seek revival?..it's just weird to think about such things after being numb for so long.it's almost as if i was suddenly jolted back to life, finally living and breathign all its colour again.i can see now; life in all its brilliance.and so, i ask myself, "where have i been?what have i been missing out on?".perhaps, i KNEW what life was, only i didn't believe it.i didn't believe that there was so much more to life.but, i see now..and there IS alot more to life.

perhaps, this holiday period was meant as a gift to me.to save me from drowning in my own self-pity.to wake me up from my depression.to finally allow me to see that i AM worth it, that life IS worth it.and perhaps, i'll find myself again.

i feel happiness, all over again.
and i revel in it.

thank God for the wake up call.
cos, without his doing through the jyc comm, i dond't think THIS would be possible.
jyc was enjoyable.the committee was a blessing.
thank god, for all his wonders.

YOU.
i thought you were giving up.
and you are, cos you're admitting that this IS the end.
we're too different.
you're against everything i am,
and i see the value of what i believe in now.
i'm not going to have you belittle them any more.
i'm trying to stand up;
something i sadly couldn't do when we were close.
i know this is selfish, but please..
don't mess this up for me.
don't think that i won't miss you.
cos i will, but this is for the best.

Things change.
i don't know why;
sometimes, i don't even know how.
but they do.
no matter how frustrating,
we accept.

YOU ask why.
i'm sorry i don't have the answer for you.
not now, not yet.
perhaps i have a few reasons.
but you'll probably just tell me all of it is 'bullshit',
then tell me to 'fuck off'.
well then.
i'll save you the hassle.
i'm wlaking off myself.
it's sad that you don't want it back any more.
you're admitting defeat SO FAST.
i can't make the compromises YOU yourself aren't willing to make.
we're too different, babe.
and perhaps, you'll do better off withOUT me.
this might be the end.
perhaps.perhaps..

the things we do and think about for acceptance.

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

i never saw..

Tear my heart open,
i sew myself shut.
my weakness is that i care too much.
and my scars remind me that my past is real;
tear my heart open,
just to feel.

enough.self.pity.

Can't say I was never wrong,
but some blame rests on you.
Work and play they're never okay
..to mix the way we do

i thought i would never say bye to you.
but this time, i have to.
i'll remember the 13th of may 2005 forever.
thank you.

Goodbye to you,
goodbye to everything that i knew.
you were the one that i loved,
the ONE THING that i tried to hold onto

..i really did try.
i guess i was NEVER your priority.
and now, for the final time,
i'm saying goodbye.
..though you would never know.

Jesus Lover of my soul
Jesus i will never let you go
youve taken me from the miry clay
Set my feet upon a rock and now i know

I need you
I love you
Though my world may fall i'll never let you go
My saviour, My closest friend.
I will worship you
Until the very end.

INTERESTING things have happened in the past few days.
haha, i won't even start to recount them.
one thing i do know;
i love the JYC committee 2005,
and i pray and hope that it'll stay THIS way.
ignorantly hopeful,
or realistically pessimistic.
i wonder.
but i PRAY and hope we'll stay this way,
for a good, LONG time.

i don't have to hide who i am.
not excessively, at least.

school activities and commitments are fading away.
i DREAD them now;
i don't know why.
JYC withdrawal, perhaps?
LTC's next week;
i can't compromise performance or discipline.
sigh.the stupid things we do.
i haven't even touched my school work,
analyzed my results,
started revsion,
OR next year's studying yet.
it's funny how one event can change OTHER totally unrelated events.
funny.i find all of this very funny.

who i am, i cannot change.
cos i've tried, and now?
i'm too fed up to do anything else.

WHO WILL STICK WITH ME TILL THE END?
..ugh.i'm disgusted with my own self-centered-ness.
someone, please hit me on the head.
i need an effective wake up call.
i've been sleeping for WAY too long...

jazzy darling,
rach's away.
the HOTs aren't meeting.
yes, we need to talk;
but it's gonna be hard.
i miss 2m.
i miss the old HOTfamily.

And so, JYC ends.
I MISS IT ALREADY.
even after the sleep depravation and INITIALLY unenthu group.
I MISS JYC.
i'll miss the meetings.
i'll miss the running around.
i'll miss the laughing.
(i have never laughed so much in my LIFE)
i'll miss the praise and worship.
i'll miss the games.
i'll miss the dunking and water bombs.
i'll miss kindness.
i'll even miss the food.
but above all,
i'll miss the comm.
no doubt we'll drift now.
but for the sake of my present sanity,
i'll continue hoping.

more camp updates later

WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT?!

it's never worth it.
i was meant to live in the background.
i wonder how you would feel.
perhaps life would do justice.
i know it never will.
all of this be damned.

There is a time for everything.
Time to laugh, time to grieve.
but somewhere in the middle,
we reach a transition period.
do we, then, fluctuate between the two extremes?
or remain completely emotionless?
though, the latter would have been ideal.

Being idle.
that's hardly an entertaining hobby.
it puzzles me to know that there are those who seem to enjoy it.
no sense of purpose and drive;
it seems unbecoming of us youth to be in such a sad predicament.
then again, who would choose being idle over something else?
laziness, perhaps.
and that's my one of my biggest problems i guess.
laziness and procrastination.
and so, i continue to rot while being idle.

But in truth, are we ever idle?
our minds are ever working;
never ceasing.
we process everythig we see,
everything we know and feel.
human beings are, in that way, naturally greedy.
we desire the knowledge about everything;
we try and comprehend everything.
then, at the end of the day,
we curse and swear,
scolding life for US being to greedy for information.
prehaps, i'm speaking of the minority,
but it happens;
and we don't realize how amusing the whole situation is,
until we hit that 'thought-topic'
human beings are complicated creatures.

then again, life's complicated too.
perhaps we were made that way to compliment life,
and all its complexities and twisted truths.
contradictions never really refute each other;
there are still differences in similarity.
life's one great big mystery.
it always has been, it will forever be.
then, why are we still trying to figure THIS all out?
might as well do somthing more constructive;
..right?
rational thinkers would agree;
but there are those hopelessly lost,
in wonder of the mystery of life.
and so, we continue to search for answers;
perhaps, just maybe, we would find them one day.

maybe, just maybe.

Jimmy eat world.work.
If you only once would let me
Only just one time
Then be happy with the consequence
With whatever's gonna happen tonight
Don't think we're not serious
When's it ever not
The love we make is give and it's take
I'm game to play along

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time

All the best DJs are saving
The slowest song for last
When the dance is through
Its me and you
Come on would it really be so bad
The things we think might be the same
But I won't fight for more
Its just not me to wear it on my sleeve
Count on that for sure

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
Wanna take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
Yeah - We still have time

Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you
Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
Wanna take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
We still have time

Tell The World.Hillsongs United.
Don't want to stand here and shout Your praise
And walk away and forget Your Name
I'll stand for you if it's all I do
Cause there is none that compare to You

Cause all I want in this lifetime is You
And all i want in this whole world is you

Tell the world that Jesus lives
Tell the world that, tell the world that
Tell the world that he died for them
Tell the world that he lives again

No longer I but Christ in me
Cause it's the truth that set me free
How could this world be a better place?
But by thy mercy and by thy grace

C'mon, c'mon we'll tell the world about You
C'mon, c'mon we'll tell the world about You

Tell the world that Jesus lives
Tell the world that, tell the world that
Tell the world that he died for them
Tell the world that he lives again

C'mon, c'mon we'll tell the world about You
Tell the world that
Tell the world that
C'mon, c'mon we'll tell the world about You
Tell the world that
Tell the world that
About You

Some things aren't as plain as they seem.
simplicity?a facade, rather.
nothing could be any less than complex;
in the world we live in,
simplicity is always sought.
it is rarely found.
impossible, though?
much remains to be seen.

Some times, we see the things we wish.
Comfort?a front, rather.
comfort rarely lasts;
in the world we live in,
wishes rarely come true.
impossible, though?
much remains to be seen.

conscious, unconscious;
we wish all the same.
are not humans, then, stupid?
for allowing themselves disappointment and guilt,
when they fall short of their expectations?
why do expectations even exist?
to apply the necessary pressure on an individual, perhaps?
..or possibly to ruin him.

expecations and wishes;
hopes, all the same.
why do we place hope on human existance,
when it has proven to disappoint?
what IS disappointment?
an sense of regret when something is not achieved?
..or possibly sadness.

disappointment, sadness;
human emotion, all the same.
why do we feel,
when we know it will hurt to do so?
what is it to FEEL?
a physical touch or stimulus?
..or possbly something intangiable.

WHY;
we keep asking why.
why, in that case, do we keep asking the same question that we know we are never going to get an answer to?
are we stupid,
or merely deluded?

why strive for simplicity,
when our world was too complex to begin with?

Fallen.Sarah McLachlan.
Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

I need to know if i want to let go.
i NEED to let go.
i need to accept.

wallowing in self pity.
condemned by self.
tormented by conscince.
repititions of what had happened.
fears of what may come to pass.
i can't control a thing..
i can't control a thing..

Life is funny in the little things it allows to happen.
you thought you were making progress,
but you obviously weren't.
and life decided that it'd be funny,
to withold that truth from you.
well, then.
HAHA.thank you for making me laugh.
i see how stupid i've been.
only thing is..
what can i do to change that fact?

so many things have happened.
how do we continue?
do we move forward?
trace out steps?
or just stand still?
sometimes, being relentless is pointless.
then again,
sometimes being relentless brings relief.
when do we know?
we don't;
or do we?

is this reminiscent of what WE'VE done?
or is it one 'remarkable coincidence?

Diwali yesterday was spent at achala's house.
WATCHING a hinid movie that made ALMOST everyone cry.
[so maybe zhen luan IS dead to all things touching..
..then again, who am i to talk?]
hurhur.there was an intermission,
where we LIGHTED THE CANDLES!
heart shapes, circles..CANDLES!
it was nice.to say the least.
orangy-red against darkness IS nice
ok, then back to the show where tears flowed even more freely.
achu needs to wash her cushions.
then we played with SPARKLERS!
both the normals ones and FUNKY ones that made SOUNDS!!
and BOMB BAGS TOO!
WAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!
haha, then DOLLY suddenly exclaimed that she got BURNT!
it turned out that her "burn" was a piece of wax.
hurhur.haha.then, we went back in to have dinner!
MAN!!THE FOOD IS SPICY!!!
we ate with our hands,
and got ourselves STUFFED.
the desserts were..preculiar..
but nice all the same(:
SINFUL WAY OF EATING INDEED.
haha..we all went back VERY FULL.
and so, that concludes my first time celebrating Diwali.
interesting that it coincides with the first day of TRUE freedom.

things seem better now,
but are they truly?

you can't have the world,
even thought you want to.
i'd like to see selfishness as the part of us that never really grew up.
we're still that small kid,
wanting everything;
expecting the world.
and in that way,
our innocence is preserved.
then again,
reality doesn't accept innocnece.

it's wake up time.
i can't continue sleeping.

Josh Groban.Believe.
Children sleeping
snow is softly falling.
Dreams are calling
like bells in the distance.

We were dreamers not so long ago.
But one by one we all had to grow up.

When it seems the magic slipped away,
we find it all again on Christmas day...

Believe in what your heart is saying,
hear the melody that's playing.
There's no time to waste,
there's so much to celebrate.

Believe in what you feel inside,
And give your dreams the wings to fly.
You have everything you need,
If you just believe.

Trains move quickly to their journey's end.
Destinations are we begin again.
Ships go sailing far across the sea.
Trust in starlight, to get where they need to be.

When it seems that we have lost our way,
we find ourselves again on Christmas day...

Believe in what your heart is saying,
hear the melody that's playing.
There's no time to waste,
there's so much to celebrate.

Believe in what you feel inside,
And give your dreams the wings to fly.
You have everything you need,
If you just believe.

Present moment:
the world is caving in.
it's getting pitch black.
i can't see any more.
i don't know who's around me;
i don't know who's WITH me.
no one's in front of me,
no one's behind me.
insecurity knaws at my conscience.
perhaps, i shout too loud.
perhaps, i'm everything i shouldn't be.
perhpas, i was clueless.
perhaps, i still am.
but one thing's for sure;
i'm paying the price for it now.
..left alone;
servant to darkness,
lacky to inferiority.

The other side:
guilt is dissolving everything.
my hopes for an acceptable grade,
my hopes for future grades;
all gone.
all because of my stupidty,
because of my weakness.
procrastination is part of my life.
and now, sloth is catching on.
everything in the past was acceptable.
to me, at least.
i can't stand the person i am.
i don't know who i've become.
i ask myself who i am and how my values have morphed.
i draw a blank.
i cannot answer myself.
re-examination never helps.
so many things i could do,
but so many more things i have DONE.
nothing changes the past,
but the present changes the future.
what i'd give to live in the past.

what you do now, might change what you do in the future.
how i wish i could travel through time.
live a life in pure bliss.
in memories, in experiences.
nightmarish realities cast aside,
beckoning a happier past.
how perefct life would be,
if i could travel in time.
so, change the present, you say.
then, i will reply;
what good will the present do,
if it can't erase the past?

shying away from the light.
trepidation.anticipation.
warmth, a glorious warmth!
basking in light,
revelling in pleasures unknown.
quick, quick, quick.
it's whisked away.
thrown to the wind,
carried away by the night breeze.
stars ever seeing,
the skies are the limits.
darkness falls;
encased in that shell of gloom.
the candles go out.
the room is dark.
a shift.a slight movement.
cowering in a corner.
stifled gasps.smothered sobs.
"enough.please, enough."
no one hears.
the temperature dipped.
she was alone again.
she had always been alone.

Goo Goo Dolls.Iris.
And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
and sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Life is about to get busier again.
STUPID chinese Os.
then, i realize life after that's gonna be worse.
and so, i shut up.

Jealousy.
plays a bg part in LIFE as a whole.
you see something you want,
yet you know you can't have it.
you TRY to get it,
but end up getting hurt.
i SEE no point in jealousy or spite,
yet, i am human.
i FEEL jealousy and spite.
ALL of us do,
only some of us feel it more than others.
contempt?
i guess.
has always been there,
will forever remain.
product or cause of jealousy?
..it's a matter of perspective, is it not?

Why am i human?
Why can't i FEEL less?
it's a package deal.
i wonder how some people manage to do one,
while keeping the other locked up.
it's amazing.
i know i was never an achiever.
i just wish i could be.
for once...

then again,
things never really change...

Life's looking better.
i guess what they say is right;
life is all about perspective.
BUT, sometimes,
perspectives without actual happenings,
lead to nothing in the end.
the end of the exams.
the start up of some things old.
the closure of some things long drawn out.
the beginning of new things.
that IS life for you.
a never ending journey;
of facts,
of view points,
of opinions..
and above all,
of self-discovery.
what's the point of living life without YOU being in it?
it's selfish, but at the end of the day,
that's all we think about.

Above duty, before self.
hmmm.our duty to God.
we owe Him everything.
i KNOW that.
and i can't wait to get started on thanksgiving.
but for now,
i'll keep on working;
working to keep a stable relationship with Him,
working to change because He wants me to.
i should live for Him.
i must.

I have so many things to say,
yet, some how,
i can never find the words to use.
so many emotions,
so many happenings,
so many revelations.
i could say i'm scared;
of the unknown,
of the future.
i AM scared.
but, i know i'll have to face them sooner or later.
things come and go in passing,
i guess i can never hold onto things for long.
constants in life are hard to come by,
and that's why i need to hold onto them,
making sure that they stay that way.

the hurts?
we heal them and move on.
the memories?
we keep them and reminisce.
the present?
we make full use of IT and right the wrongs.
there are so many crossroads in our lives,
so many decisions we have to make.
regret is always an option;
but someone once told me,
that life was not meant for regrets,
that we could "live for so much more".
i thought that was a load of bullshit,
but, now i see.
and i hope that in the future,
i'll be able to keep my head above the water,
and see as i see now.

To someone:
thank you for everything you've taught me.
you taught me what it meant to be sensitive,
you taught me what it meant to open up and to trust,
you taught me what it meant to be brave and confident.
you taight me what it MEANS to be a friend.
i have never learnt so much from someone before.
thank you for that learning experience.
though things will never be the same again,
i will keep what you've taught me,
and learn from these experiences in the future.
the good times, the memories?
i'll keep them,
they were good and i had a blast.
i hope you will do the same.
this, i guess, isn't a forever kind of goodbye;
we are who we are.
there's no denying of those facts.
i bolted too easily, you..
we'll just leave it as that.
we BOTH know what happened.
i just wish you the best of luck.
i know you'll be fine.
you have always been.

to YOU:
thank you for everything.
i know things will never be teh same.
but life is a matter of how you make it.
we could start this again,
i'm willing.
are you?
..if your answer is no,
then, i respect your decision.
if it is yes,
remember that i'm no simple girl.
but, i guess you already knew that.
so, i'll do what i can,
but the decision will ultimately be up to YOU.
i'll keep testing the waters,
looking for something that WAS there.
if it's gone, i'll know.
but before it's too late,
i just want you to know that you meant and still mean alot to me.
thank you.

to you:
thank you for being my pillar of support.
thank you for talking me through everyuthing i thought i couldn't handle.
thank you for making me laugh and TRYING to cheer me up,
even when i thought i could never be at peace.
thank you for being there whenever i needed you.
thank you for doing the things that made me feel special.
thank you for being THE constant in my life.
thank you listening to my endless rants.
thank you for those 'pep talks' and for acting like my mother.
thank you for the times we planned to run away together.
life could be full of shit,
but at least i can share it with you.
and i KNOW that some way or another,
you'll make a joke out of it.
so, thank you for keeping me sane.
and..last but not least,
thank you for loving me enough to never let me go...

to my sisters:
thank you, darlings.
life would be boring without you two.
rach darling, cheer up.
sometimes, it doesn't pay to think too much.
i know what it feels like, babe.
i will always be here.
ALWAYS.
even at 3am in he freaking morning.
and she cares.
she told me the other day.
i'm not sure what it means to you now,
but i know she does.
she always has been.
jazzy darling, life's a bitch.
some guys are worse.
so just show tehm that you're better than that,
because i know you are.
believe that.

to the HOTs:
life could be much worse without you guys.
thank you.

i don't know what's with the 'thank you's,
but i just felt that i HAD to do them.
i don't want things to fade away again.
so, i'll make the effort to keep them in place.

The Young and the Hopeless.Good Charlotte.
Hard days made me,
Hard nights shaped me,
I don't know,
They somehow saved me,
And I know I'm making something,
Out of this life they called nothing
I take what I want,
Take what I need,
They say it's wrong,
But it's right for me,
I won't look down,
Won't say I'm sorry,
I know that only God can judge me.

And if I make it through the day,
Will tomorrow be the same?
Am I just running in place?
And if I stumble and I fall,
Should I get up and carry on?
Will it all just be the same?

Cause I'm Young And I'm Hopeless,
I'm lost and know this,
I'm going nowhere fast, that's what they say.
I'm troublesome, I'm fallen,
I'm angry at my father,
It's me against this world, and I don't care.
I don't care.

And no one in this industry,
understands the life I lead,
When I sing about my past,
It's not a gimmick,
not an act.
These critics and these trust fund kids,
The try to tell me what punk is,
But when I see them on the streets,
They got nothin to say!

And if I make it through today,
Will tomorrow be the same?
Am I just running in place?
And if I stumble and I fall,
Should I get up and carry on?
Will it all just be the same?

Cause I'm Young and I'm Hopeless,
I'm lost and know this,
I'm going nowhere fast, that's what they say.
I'm troublesome, I'm fallen,
I'm angry at my father,
It's me against this world, and I don't care.
I don't care,
I don't care,
Now, I don't care.

I'm Young and I'm Hopeless,
I'm lost and know this,
I'm going nowhere fast, that's what they say.
I'm troublesome, I'm fallen
I'm angry at my father,
It's me against this world,
And I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.

I HAD SO MUCH FUN TONIGHT!
THE HOTFAMILY ROCKS!
..it's so funny how things fluctuate,
but when they're high..
haha.
I LOVE IT!!!!
OH MAN!
IT WAS THE BEST TIME I HAVE HAD IN A LOGN WHILE!!!
the wierd things daddy wore..
the inital awkwardness..
the freaky jumping prawns..
the LIVE CRABS!..
the oil-splattering..
the OILY fried chicken..
the wierd tasting soup..
the feeding and sharing of food!..
the PHOTO-TAKING! [still can't believe mummy and addy siam-ed last minute]..
the advertisement making..
the screaming and shouting..
the pool game..
the arcade games [though i sucked at them :p]..
the slamming of the buttons..
the train ride home.

i'll never forgte.
not in a LONG, LONG while.
besides, i have the photos as momentos.
i can't wait till our next meeting.

thank you..
JAZZY UNCLE.SARAH MUMMY.GRACE DADDY.VI AUNTY.ZI STEP-MUMMY.ZIYAN.ACHALA.
ZHEN LUAN [especially you.at least i had closure tonight.]

love you all to bits!

..will never forget..

So it's truly over.
..i remember what you..wrote.
i'll remember it for life.
believe me.
as much as I was a learning experience,
so were you.
change.
I did.
so did YOU.
nobody's saying it's bad.
familiarity was just a comfort.
i have nothing left to say.
goodbye.

i'm not turning back anymore.
good luck.

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

the turning of time.
things change.
they CHANGE.
i don't know how long it'll take me to fully accept that fact.
i keep telling myself that things change,
that people change.
that all of this was inevitable,
and that i couldn't stop it.
not on my own at least.
i keep telling myself that resistance is futile,
that life isn't worth it some times;
espcially since you can't control most of it.
i keep telling myself that life is a game.
a game where i'm never the victor,
where everyone else seems to be moving on and conquering the impossible.
where i'm permanently stuck in my own grave.

pessimism.
some people don't like that.
i never thought i COULD please everyone,
but that didn't stop me from trying.
maybe it is true.
maybe i DO try too hard;
then again, maybe i don't try at all.
there are so many questions without answers.
mostly 'why's and 'how's.
i keep asking,
but i know i'll never get an answer from the rest of the world.
"the answer is within you".
i know that.
..or at least i THINK i do.

torment of living in the past.
haunting memories of events.
holding me back,
can't move forward.
stifled attempts,
smothered pleas.
i try, i never make it.
i need to find an answer.
what answer exactly?
i don't know..

..i don't know..

So many things could happen,
yet only few things DO happen.
you see all the possibilities in life,
and all the decisions you have to make.
the, suddenly, you don't feel like making those decisions any more.
there are always two sides to everything;
humans were given a free will to chose by the good grace of God,
and more often than not,
we make the wrong decisions.
we do the unthinkable,
we HURT people.
in retrospect,
we never know what possessed us to do the thigns we did,
yet the truth is,
the deed is done.
the crime has been commited.
and we'll live out our dyas regretting the bad choices,
wishing for time to be turned;
forever knowing that it's not possible.

so many thins to do,
so many truths to handle.
life is a chore.
God, please show me my worth.
i'm losing grip.
slipping, falling.
i can't hold on anymore.
inching closer to insanity,
drunk in depression.
lies, hate.
animosity.
pretences.
nothing's ever real.
i cannot believe.
i refuse to believe.

Everything's superficial.

Sometimes, i gaze out of the window for long periods of time, wondering where innocence went.i refuse to pay heed to the academic responsibilities i had to MYSELF.the thought crosses my mind once, twice,then i banish it from my mind.serenity overtakes my senses and i am drowned in the quiet night life.so many people, all settling down for the night.

They have so many worries, yet the manage to sleep.no thoughts, just rest.i wonder if there was anyone wo felt as i did.i wonder if there was anyone who gazed out of the window, wishing for simplicity and normalacy, like i did.life speeds forward; never a pause, never a stop.time waited for no man.it drags unwilling passengers, and i am one of those pulled against my will.as life continues, i find myself more and more sonfused.

And so i continue to gaze, wondering if any one did the same.