Evanescene.Missing.
Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
Maybe some day you'll look up
And barely consious you'll say to no one
Isn't something missing?

You won't cry for my absence I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn't something missing?
isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me not now
Though I'd die to know you loved me
I'm all alone
isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
I know what you do to yourself
I breathe deep and cry out
"Isn't something missing?"
Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me.. not now
Though I'd die to know you loved me
I'm all alone
isn't someone missing me?

And if I bleed, I'll bleed
Knowing you don't care
And if I sleep just to dream of you
And wake without you there
isn't something missing? isn't something....

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me not now
though I'd die to know you loved me
I'm all alone
Isn't something missing
Isn't someone missing me?

swamped.
yet i have to eason to be.
i dont even have many things to do.
so why all this stress?
i dont get this shit.
maybe it's all in the mind,
as the common belief states.
maybe i'm memorizing too much over too short a time.
maybe that's why my brain gives up on me during the crucial moments.
should i, in that case,
stop studying so many rounds?
my mother's always saying i shouldnt.
maybe i finally see that she's right.
fewer rounds of memorization.
better adaptibility to unexpected situations,
less dependance on structured scenarios.
that's good, isnt it?
in that case.
i will stop doing multiple rounds of revision.
focus my energy on sleep
..and lightening up?
or the NYAA?
either way.
the future looks good from where i'm standing.

Why do you see right through me?
Am i so insignificant?
Isn't someone missing me?

4 tests next week.
visitation-packed weekend.
sleep deprived nights.
study-numbed brain.
paraniod being.
introverted recluse.
shunned by society.
outcasted by family.
hated by self.

repititive worries.
unresolved issues.
insomia plagued person.
recluse.
ever the recluse.
wishes to hide it;
succeeds.
no one knows.
no one cares.
no one finds out.
no cause for anyone to find out.

no reason for longing.
no reason for deperssion.
why?
no answer.
continued hiding.
continued facade.
hope for pure depression.
hope for pure numbness.
hope for the facade to discarded.

hope for a gloomier tomorrow.
hope for...

what?


Sometimes I feel like crying
Laying down and dying
That's when I need you
Laughing's always easy,
but sometimes I'm just scared you'll leave me
That's when I feel emotional

the sad teen. Everything in life is f*ckin'
miserable. You constantly look over your
shoulder and wonder who is judging you...even
when you are alone. So naturally, you have
become a little paranoid and pessamistic. Your
personality can be one demensional but
confusing. You are constantly bored with life
and wish that something could spice it up. You
have a unique view on life and have identified
the problems with school society (Ex...what
makes popular people, how the student mind
works...) You would rather be alone because you
hate being hurt. You tend to think that no one
understands you, not even your parents /
guardians / friends. But that is just the
opposite! The people who love you want to
help, but they don't know how because they have
a feeling that they will say something wrong
and turn you away. You have to let them know
that you are willing to hear what they have to
say...and it might do some good to listen to
them.

Some fields you might consider going
in when you are older...Judge, author,
songwriter, producer, therapist, psychologist,
philosopher, or forensic scientist. You need a
job where you can express yourself and your
views on life. Or you need a field where you
can judge others and predict what is going on
in others life. Either way... you have the
personality to get you a good job that will
support you throughout life.


What type of teenager are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

>>..sometimes i wonder if these things were made for people like me.
then again.
nothing revolves round me.
i'm just insignificant.
nothing belongs to me.
so why in the world should i care bout anything?
nobody does bout what i do anyway..

being numb.
how could she have done it?
living with deprssion everyday and finally becoming numb?
..what a wonderful feeling it must be.
to feel nothing but observe everything.
if emotions can hurt one so badly,
wont life be better without them?
i want to live devoid of feelings.
i think it'd be quite great;
your mind kept on ONE single-minded purpose.
no feelings to distract;
only the will to grow stronger.
only the determination of conquer.
feelings only hold one back.
imagine a day where one would live independently--
no feelings,
no needs.
just pull grit and will to continue becoming stronger.
how amazing it will be.
stronger in every aspect.
more control in ever aspect.
no sense of reponsibilty to what one might feel.
nothing to distract you from that prupose to become stronger.
imagine if one could go without eating or sleeping;
only chnating on that mantra of that on that one prupose of one's life.
how amazing it MUST be.
i endeavour to live like that.

but it's sad.
she tries so hard.
she succeeds in becoming numb.
but she's just not strong enough.
like i'm just not good enough for everyone.
she fades into oblivion as time passes by.
insignificant.
like me.
like a butterfly.
we are ever the butterfly.
small, insignificant, insubstantial and forgettable.

sorry guys.i dont think i'm the person you knew anymore.
i cant go back to the way i was.
things change.
people change.
i used to care for what people thought of me.
now i dont.
i'm sorry.

i dont want to feel.
i dont want to need.
i want ot be numb.
a shell of my former hypocritical self.
forever more..
forever more..

i have no right to pity myself.
i have no right to feel stressed.
i have no right to feel sad.
depressed?
am i really?
id ont know anymore.
too much angst.
too much reading.
i'm being absorbed into a world that is not my own.
i am ebing absorbed into an alternate world of fiction,
not reality.
in that world,
i'm different.
who knew one person can be so different?
i thought i was true to myself.
now i know why people lie to themselves.
in front of the masses,
i'm one person.
behind the facade,
WHO AM I?
is this a case of an identity crisis?
or am i caught in my own web of trickery?
i never meant to hurt anyone.
i never meant to gain enemies.
i never meant to be fake..
..but i guess we huamans dont plan for alot of things.
i wanted to please.
i wanted SO MUCH to be the person i protrayed myself to be.
but yet..
who am i?
and now,
i am scared.
so very afraid.
2 very different people.
morose and indifferent.
bubbly and ever-pleaser.
i long to be the latter.
but i'm caught now in a dimension where i am both.
slowly,
people are seeing through it.
looking past me,
into my other self.
and they hate it.
who am i to complain.
it's my fault anyway.
i should have been a complete loner from the beginning.
i always knew i was one anyway.
the insecurity is unbearable.
when will i finally give in?
the minutes are ticking away.
i know my true revealing isnt far away...

leave me alone.
ALL of you.
i dont deserve your attention...

Chinese new year's here again.
will it be the same as last year?
will anything be the same again?
we dont know, do we?
..of course not.
but i hope for my sanity's sake,
it's not gonna be the same.
i set targets.
i disappoint myself each time.
sometimes i dont see the point in setting them.
afetr all..
i'll just disappoint myself again.
so what's the f***ing point?
i dont get why we're even living sometimes.
if life is so disappointing,
shouldnt we just end it all..
..NOW?
nothing matters anymore.
i frankly dont pay any attention to anything anymore.
but despite all that..
..i'm never good enough.
some people are just so lucky.

how i hate that feeling..
but i never seem to be able to escape it.
you spend and give so much devotion,
but you're NEVER good enough.
it starts of as a small nagging feeling;
small, insignificant.
then it grows and snowballs.
it's hard to imagine how something so insignificant can balloon into something of such emotional trauma.
it feeds on optimism,
thrives on achievement
and grows with disappoinment.
what a good host i must be.
well, at least it's something i can be proud of.

pathetic.
life's pathertic..

I'M PATHETIC..

Current friends.
old friends.
acquaintances.
new enemies.
..new friends?

is that what friendship's all about?
some times i wonder.
i really wonder.
i don't know what to think anymore.

i've changed.
you've changed.
the world 's changed.
time's moved on.
to stay?
to go?
i'm not playing the same game anymore.
the ball's in YOUR court.
whatever decision you make;
live with it.
cos i know that whatever i get,
i'll get over it.
some how.
i know i will.
that only leaves you.
take my friendship;
smash it,
trample on it,
throw it away.
i don't care anymore.
it's all about you.
i'll get over it.

..will you?

Enough.
I'm done with self pity.
I'm done with anger.
Bring on everything else;
cos now i know who i can count on;
now i know who won't cause me agony;
i know who treasure my friendship.
so thank you.
i really do.

Sec 3 life;
i never expected it to be so different..
..so tough.
i thought i could handle anything after sec 2.
i guess i was wrong.
and it's not even bad for me;
it's so much worse for others.
i cant understand how anybody can survive all this shit.
it's already in to the 5th week.
ONLY the 5th week,
of the first term,
of the whole year.
SURELY things can't look THAT bad, right?
generalization doesn't do any good.
i can only hope that things look up;
that things will go back to a certain normality;
that things won't look so doomed fo some,
that things won't look too much for others.
Sure;
the work's harder,
there's more to study,
there're more activities.
but that doesnt mean a person cant be happy,
right?

i guess i cant say anything much to help those in distress;
cos i, frankly, dont have much.
i guess i'm too selfish and petty sometimes;
complaining bout simple things,
that others don't have the luxury to complain about.
wellt ehn.
enough complaining,
enough self pity.
on with work.
no more excuses for failing to reach ANY goal.
i wont be able to live it down if i do.

*hey zi:
know you're kinda stressed now..
but lighten up yeah?
dont look so down..it scares people.
but i know it's hard to look happy all the time.
take it from me.
so i hope for your sake,
that whoever's problems can be setlled;
and that that bitch will just leave the others alone.
and again i say..
you're strong zi;
believe me, if it's the last thing you do.

*hey CAMPFIRE UNDERSTUDY:
know it's mean calling you like that,
but you really deserve that respect for the shit you've handled so far.
again i say..
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!
whatever happens,
DON'T, i repeat, DON'T,
EVER develop a black face,
looks spooky on your normal face.
abd hey;
whatever it is..
handle one thing at a time.
that's how anything will be completed, yeah?
add oil, add oil.

*the third person:
you know who you are.
i told you already.
call me a hypocrite if you like,
but i guess i'm only good at helping people,
and being a burden to those helping me, eh?
and since YOU'VE made the decision,
don't EVER back down on me.
i WILL not survive,
understand?

*sum1:
it's been a long time, huh?
and yes,
i guess everything's good between us now.
not so good on the surface,
but settled beneath that, i hope?
i dont know what happened in the past;
i farnkly dont care.
it was angry,
it was regretted.
so i hopw you forget it too.
and whatever problem it is.
i give you my promise.
i will try and help you,
whatever it is;
only YOU have to let me.

*lilin:
THANKS DARLING FOR BEING SO SWEET!!
thanks for all those encouragement tags.
they really help.
let me know that at least there's SOMEONE
who accepts me,
for who i am;
not who they THINK they see.
it's comforting.
so thanks.
and with AHEm,
it's hard, yes,
but yu gotta get over AHEM sooner or later.
maybe closure lies in the yet-to-be-made phone call,
give it thought, yeah?

*belle:
thanks for the encouragement too!
don't know how you handle it too.
you can seem so pissed for a moment,
but the next,
you're belle again.
wierd, dont you think?
thanks for everything.
call me up when you wanna study again, yeah?
and p.s.
WE STILL GOT OUR REPORT TO DO!!

life is an obstacle course;
life lines, like your harness,
are your family.
holding you safe, no matter what comes your way.
they're always there with you through,
be it during HIGH elements, or simple climbing.
keeping you safe, not letting you fall.
friends ar like spotters,
they prevent you from hurting yourself too badly on the outside.
giving your timid heart a boost from the inside.
yet some spotters arent trustworthy.
they let you injure yourself.
the TRUE spotters are those who are with you,
in the rain, and through your fear.
and most important of all.
God is like the belayer.
He is the one who prevents your death;
you just have to trust and depend on Him.
but through EVERYTHING.
you KNOW He can be trusted.
you KNOW that He will make it all better..
..you only need to ask.

Life goes on.

why?
why?!
i know it's not about you;
it's me.
it's always me.
no shadow of a doubt.
it's always me.
i'm sorry.
but i cant always be.
i cant go on living like i've got debts to be paid.
yes;
i owe you BOTH an apology.
i'm sorry.
but from now on,
i'm no longer going to be.
i've had enough.
no more mental thrashing.
no more mental replaying of conversations.
no longer am i going to regret
ANYTHING I SAID TO YOU!!
so take it or leave it.
my sanity is on the line.
if you choose to leave it,
it's fine by me.
i'm becoming more of the person you see me as anyway;
heartless, cold and proud.
i COULD be all that.
you see me as all that.
i bet you both do.
and YOU.
do you not think i worry too?!
it's not always about you.
YOU.
always breaking down.
sympathy drawn like an eternal spring.
guising me as a scapegoat for your incapacity.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH.
i leave you to your own devices.
my friendship is but a thin thread;
i'm still holding on.
will YOU both??

and you.
thank you.
i cannot say anything to express my gratitude.
i pushed you away.
you came back knowing i could do it again.
till i pushed you to your max.
and now,
you gone away.
for good.
i cant blame you.
i'm sorry;
i failed to see who were truly important.
and now,
i will spend the rest of my time regretting it.
so if you choose to cut those threads;
please know that you're leaving behind something;
no one will ever see again.
only will i regert what i did to YOU.
and no one else..
and no one else...

Life goes on...
really?

Suffering.
Pain.
Agony.
Loss.
Oblivion.

Sacrifice.
Hate.
Anger.
Desperation.
Recklessness.

Loss.
Rejection.
Regret.
Anger.
DEATH.

...peace.

I can't give up,
I can't give in to temptation,
I can't stop trying.
I must not.

Then what am i doing?

I'm not ready to lose yet--
am i really?
or have i already stopped trying?
my determination's leaving me,
abandoning me.

Why does everybody leave me?
Why don't i have any one for myself?

...the facts are quite plain.
acceptance eludes me.

Am i not prety enough?
...Is my heart too broken?
...Do i cry to much?
...Am i too outspoken?
I THOUGHT i made you laugh,
...should i try it harder?

Why do you see right through me?

Stress.
it's comsunming us, more and more each day;
devouring us from within,
relishing in victory at our distress,
laughing when we break down from it.
day by day, we TRY to survive.
barely crawling out of its grasp;
wounded and exhausted.
is THIS the kind of life we wanna life?
..is THIS the kind of life i wanna live?!
sometimes i just feel like throwing it all away;
throwing all known caution to the wind;
only to TRULE enjoy pure, unadulterated freedom.
but we cant do that, can we?
it's always the same questions,
always the same answers.
all are cold hard facts.
we cant run away from them.
..or can we?

it's always pile of work,
after pile of work.
and after all that, you still have REVISION to do.
and no..it's not like revision in the past when one chpt's so short;
it's LONG, chunky sections that need to memorized.
TORTURE.
that's what it is;
torture.
i wonder if there will EVER be a day when we can forget bout all this--
forget bout work.
forget bout expectations.
forget bout stress.
there will NEVER be a day,
will there?
then, if that is the case..
what are we living for?
to be killed SLOWLY everyday?
i'd rather not.

physical pain might just be the answer;
might just be the connection between the psycological mortification
and physical inadequacy to cope wtih the mental torture of it all.
who, in their "right mind" will know, right?
because people in their "right mind" don't self inflict, right?
then what if the roles are reversed?
couldn't the people who self inflict be in their "right minds"?
there must be one point or another in out lives we can identify with those "outcasts";
their desperation.
their bleak outlook on life, perhaps?
perhaps that is the reason why more and more are self inflicting these days.
maybe they are TRULY the ones in the "right mind".
'cos they know what it means to connect between physical and mental pain.
maybe we are the ones living in the "matrix" that is our lives,
maybe we need to take that trip back to the REAL world.
maybe, just maybe.
i could be wrong;
but there's no harm trying,
RIGHT?

There you go
You never ask why
It's all a big lie
Whatever you do

You think you're special
But I know and I know and I know
And we know
That you're not

You're always there to point out
My mistakes
And shove them in my face
It's like I'm the one you love to hate
But not today

"To protect someone special to you"

Just finished the report.
the end of the WHOLE induction package.
i'm glad that's over and done with.
lloking back --always remembering, never regretting

i wonder what it's like to "never regret"
man, that person must be living on cloud 9 everyday;
carefree--free from all the bondages of regret--
i wonder how that feels.
i want to feel that.
i want to live by that everyday.
but..i bet it's humanely impossible.
everyday's a new "regret",
and i must spend the rest of y life wondering how i COULD havemade it "perfect".
ironic, aint it?
TRYING to live evryday to the fullest, but never really reaching there?
every every other adjective pertaining to "good" would be quite redundant, right?
if one chooses to live with regrets, there will never be truly ANY day she'll feel at ease,
or happy.
and nothing would seem "good" anymore, would it?
i wonder.is regret out to destroy us?
take our huamnity and happiness from us?
..or is it just us?
and our preconception to the word "regret"?
does regret mean not getting a piece of homework done?
or just not seeing that person you had meant to see today?
what does "regret" mean?
i believe it varies according to standard.
according to each and everyone's different standards, opinions and justifications.
but one thing still stand..
regret deprives us of happiness.
the happiness we try so hard everyday to derrive from our depressing schedules.
is it really that hard?
or is it all a fellacy?

regret.
i draw a line on this very day;
to eridacate you from my life..
from our lives.
you can take all you want;
but leave us after you do.
dont pollute minds any longer.
what is done is done,
and nothing can be changed.
only you make us THINK it can.

//Bless your sweet mistakes,
That crumble you dowm to your knees,
They brought you to this place,
Changed you by degrees.//

The start of another week of school.
week 3.
people are just starting to get into the groove of things;
less blurr sec 1s,
more studious sec 3s.
that's what i've noticed anyway.
it seems apparent that the whole level's been mugging the whole of the new term.
it's getting quite serious.
it's quite incredulous to think that we're already working our asses off in the THIRD week of school, for crying out loud.
what's gonna happen nearer the EYEs?
the situation would be too horible to picture.

And it seems that bug has hit me, too.
studyinf for tests everyday,
planning a STUDY TIMETABLE, even now!
only brings back bad memories from the past that i tried to erase.
who would've thought our level was capable of this?
WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT!
i'm sure i wouldnt.
but now it's staring at us in the face;
daring us to take on it's challenge,
set new goals,
soar to higher peaks.
but..
are we ready?
that question often plagues my conscience.
are we REALLy ready?
it's hard to tell..
it's hard to tell..

From a favourite fanfic of mine:
//Bless your sweet mistakes
That crumble you down to your knees
They brought you to this place,
Changing you by degrees
When change was just what you needed
Pop the cork, a champagne glass
Raise to the future, drink to the past
Thank the Lord for the friends He cast
In the play he wrote for you//

i love the new template.
yes, i'm not ready to lose...
to myself,
to my expectations.
and i'm not gonna lose this year.

the song is haruka kanata.
it's the 2nd theme song from naruto.
it RAWKS.
the pic is of sasuke..
the REALLY cool dude from naruto.
he doesnt wanna lose too.
guess that's something we have in common...

Second week back in school...
and it's hectic already.

OAC preparations on the morning --tiring, but fun.makes PE lessons worth looking forward to.being an instructor; when's too fierce, and when's being too lenient?
Lessons during the day --fun.LOADS of things to learn, memorize and study.i wonder how ANY senior could have survived sec3 life.then again, learning in itslef is a fun and never-ending process..what more could i bargain for?..it's the studying and 5 tests in a week that are bothering me.to make it worse?no MYEs.wonderful.now the EYEs will be even more stressful and even MORE packed with regurgitated facts.it's gonna be a long year.

i recall last year..i wasnt doing much of anything last yr during this time.i was probably sleeping my afternoons away..or reading my fanfics..now..it's a different story.it's amazing what one year can do to you.it must be even tougher for the sec4s.
it's gonna be tough this yr..VERY tough.OAC,PC duties and work commitments?..how to juggle them all effectively?..i need to learn.i REALLY need to learn.respect is automatically given to any being that can manage all that PLUS cca.

Better get back to working/studying/revising/doing my homework.whatever you call it..it's STILL hard.

i wonder if you still remember me..
it seems like you dont.sad.
but i've moved on..
and so have you.
just wanted to wish you a happy birthday..
where ever you are...

The induction ceremony was today.and..
EVERYTHING ROCKED!
we received so much good feed back and the parents were so pleased and the pupils did everything on cue and EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT!
it was TRULY amazing to see the product of ur hardwork unfold NICELY in front of ur eyes..cliche..but SO TRUE!!..it was TRULY amazing..
no more sms!haha!
i wanna thank..
EVERYBODY WHO HELPED OUT!!
THANKS YOU GUYS!!WE WOULD NEVER W\HAVE SURVIVED WITHOUT YOU..MOST OF THE CREDIT SHOULD GO TO YOU GUYS!!!!(:
and to BELLE!
who stood by me through sms and ALL the rehearsals..despte ** ****..dont worry belle..it'll work out!!(: wo yong yuan zhi chi ni!(:

very happy..but tired.(:
today rocked.

|||CLASSIFIED|||
Induction cermony's tomorow.hope eveything goes well.i NEED everything to go well.belle and i do..whatever it takes to preserve our sanity.
SMS.
that dreaded word.
i bet he doesnt know how much shit she's put us through.
i bet he doesnt know how much belle put into this PROPOSAL!
i bet he doesnt know that we ALSO feel pain if the ceremony cocks up!
it's so blatant for EVERYONE to see, YET only HE cant seem to see it.
so what if we disappointed by "making you do alot for this ceremony"?
yes, i admit we disappointed a little..but we didnt ask you to solve it FOR us, did we?!
we wanted OUR hard work to be the thing that puts the rest through THIS ceremony!
but did we have that priviledge?that right?
i'm sorry to say..no.
if you wanna impose, do it all the way.dont make us bleed out our souls just to cook up some proposal and *** ***** that will eventually be chucked aside as shit anyway.
dont do that to us.dont to that to the leaders.every soon, we'll all have enough.
let's see what anyone can do then.
i thought you were diplomatic and just..
guess appearances can be deceiving.
hang in there belle, only one more day to go.
and just ignore tomorrow.let it sail past ur ears.
i already know what's gonna be said anyway.

to someone:
u cant expect me to change overnight.i am who i am.there's nothing else to me.if you dont like it, i wont force you to stay.leave if you need to.but remember that i didnt mean some things i said..and i'll try.but i cant assure you anything.call me whatever you want.i dont really care..i'm different from when you first met me.take it or leave it.

Looking back --always remembering, never regretting.that's how i wanna live my life.too bad though..life isnt what all we want, is it?keh.nothng can ever go as perfectly planned.life is an illusive thing; can philosophers truly grasp its concept or TRUE meaning?i dont think so..it's objective.no point trying to define it, or understand it.it's just there..a cause for joy?a cause for pain?..you decide.i decide.it's not easy, especially when they're so many expectations from so many people..disappointment everyday..WASTED effort..and people who think they're doing somthing to help..yet are not.i hate those people.i hate those things.but what can we do?nothing.simply nothing.only acceptance of the fact and the willingness to move on are all the options we have left available.whatever it is..i know one man cant change overnight.i know that there's much more to a person, than meets the eye.disappointing, rewarding?CHOOSE.decide.i dont have the authority to impose on that decision.take it or leave it.see if i care.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
MAY ALL YOUR WISHES AND DREAMS COME TRUE IN THE NEW YEAR.
MAY YOU ACHIEVE ALL YOU WANNA ACHIEVE THIS YEAR.
MOST OF ALL..MAY YOU RISE AGAIN WHEN YOU FACE ADVERSITY.
GOD BLESS.