Life is funny in the little things it allows to happen.
you thought you were making progress,
but you obviously weren't.
and life decided that it'd be funny,
to withold that truth from you.
well, then.
HAHA.thank you for making me laugh.
i see how stupid i've been.
only thing is..
what can i do to change that fact?

so many things have happened.
how do we continue?
do we move forward?
trace out steps?
or just stand still?
sometimes, being relentless is pointless.
then again,
sometimes being relentless brings relief.
when do we know?
we don't;
or do we?

is this reminiscent of what WE'VE done?
or is it one 'remarkable coincidence?

Diwali yesterday was spent at achala's house.
WATCHING a hinid movie that made ALMOST everyone cry.
[so maybe zhen luan IS dead to all things touching..
..then again, who am i to talk?]
hurhur.there was an intermission,
where we LIGHTED THE CANDLES!
heart shapes, circles..CANDLES!
it was nice.to say the least.
orangy-red against darkness IS nice
ok, then back to the show where tears flowed even more freely.
achu needs to wash her cushions.
then we played with SPARKLERS!
both the normals ones and FUNKY ones that made SOUNDS!!
and BOMB BAGS TOO!
WAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!
haha, then DOLLY suddenly exclaimed that she got BURNT!
it turned out that her "burn" was a piece of wax.
hurhur.haha.then, we went back in to have dinner!
MAN!!THE FOOD IS SPICY!!!
we ate with our hands,
and got ourselves STUFFED.
the desserts were..preculiar..
but nice all the same(:
SINFUL WAY OF EATING INDEED.
haha..we all went back VERY FULL.
and so, that concludes my first time celebrating Diwali.
interesting that it coincides with the first day of TRUE freedom.

things seem better now,
but are they truly?

you can't have the world,
even thought you want to.
i'd like to see selfishness as the part of us that never really grew up.
we're still that small kid,
wanting everything;
expecting the world.
and in that way,
our innocence is preserved.
then again,
reality doesn't accept innocnece.

it's wake up time.
i can't continue sleeping.

Josh Groban.Believe.
Children sleeping
snow is softly falling.
Dreams are calling
like bells in the distance.

We were dreamers not so long ago.
But one by one we all had to grow up.

When it seems the magic slipped away,
we find it all again on Christmas day...

Believe in what your heart is saying,
hear the melody that's playing.
There's no time to waste,
there's so much to celebrate.

Believe in what you feel inside,
And give your dreams the wings to fly.
You have everything you need,
If you just believe.

Trains move quickly to their journey's end.
Destinations are we begin again.
Ships go sailing far across the sea.
Trust in starlight, to get where they need to be.

When it seems that we have lost our way,
we find ourselves again on Christmas day...

Believe in what your heart is saying,
hear the melody that's playing.
There's no time to waste,
there's so much to celebrate.

Believe in what you feel inside,
And give your dreams the wings to fly.
You have everything you need,
If you just believe.

Present moment:
the world is caving in.
it's getting pitch black.
i can't see any more.
i don't know who's around me;
i don't know who's WITH me.
no one's in front of me,
no one's behind me.
insecurity knaws at my conscience.
perhaps, i shout too loud.
perhaps, i'm everything i shouldn't be.
perhpas, i was clueless.
perhaps, i still am.
but one thing's for sure;
i'm paying the price for it now.
..left alone;
servant to darkness,
lacky to inferiority.

The other side:
guilt is dissolving everything.
my hopes for an acceptable grade,
my hopes for future grades;
all gone.
all because of my stupidty,
because of my weakness.
procrastination is part of my life.
and now, sloth is catching on.
everything in the past was acceptable.
to me, at least.
i can't stand the person i am.
i don't know who i've become.
i ask myself who i am and how my values have morphed.
i draw a blank.
i cannot answer myself.
re-examination never helps.
so many things i could do,
but so many more things i have DONE.
nothing changes the past,
but the present changes the future.
what i'd give to live in the past.

what you do now, might change what you do in the future.
how i wish i could travel through time.
live a life in pure bliss.
in memories, in experiences.
nightmarish realities cast aside,
beckoning a happier past.
how perefct life would be,
if i could travel in time.
so, change the present, you say.
then, i will reply;
what good will the present do,
if it can't erase the past?

shying away from the light.
trepidation.anticipation.
warmth, a glorious warmth!
basking in light,
revelling in pleasures unknown.
quick, quick, quick.
it's whisked away.
thrown to the wind,
carried away by the night breeze.
stars ever seeing,
the skies are the limits.
darkness falls;
encased in that shell of gloom.
the candles go out.
the room is dark.
a shift.a slight movement.
cowering in a corner.
stifled gasps.smothered sobs.
"enough.please, enough."
no one hears.
the temperature dipped.
she was alone again.
she had always been alone.

Goo Goo Dolls.Iris.
And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
and sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Life is about to get busier again.
STUPID chinese Os.
then, i realize life after that's gonna be worse.
and so, i shut up.

Jealousy.
plays a bg part in LIFE as a whole.
you see something you want,
yet you know you can't have it.
you TRY to get it,
but end up getting hurt.
i SEE no point in jealousy or spite,
yet, i am human.
i FEEL jealousy and spite.
ALL of us do,
only some of us feel it more than others.
contempt?
i guess.
has always been there,
will forever remain.
product or cause of jealousy?
..it's a matter of perspective, is it not?

Why am i human?
Why can't i FEEL less?
it's a package deal.
i wonder how some people manage to do one,
while keeping the other locked up.
it's amazing.
i know i was never an achiever.
i just wish i could be.
for once...

then again,
things never really change...

Life's looking better.
i guess what they say is right;
life is all about perspective.
BUT, sometimes,
perspectives without actual happenings,
lead to nothing in the end.
the end of the exams.
the start up of some things old.
the closure of some things long drawn out.
the beginning of new things.
that IS life for you.
a never ending journey;
of facts,
of view points,
of opinions..
and above all,
of self-discovery.
what's the point of living life without YOU being in it?
it's selfish, but at the end of the day,
that's all we think about.

Above duty, before self.
hmmm.our duty to God.
we owe Him everything.
i KNOW that.
and i can't wait to get started on thanksgiving.
but for now,
i'll keep on working;
working to keep a stable relationship with Him,
working to change because He wants me to.
i should live for Him.
i must.

I have so many things to say,
yet, some how,
i can never find the words to use.
so many emotions,
so many happenings,
so many revelations.
i could say i'm scared;
of the unknown,
of the future.
i AM scared.
but, i know i'll have to face them sooner or later.
things come and go in passing,
i guess i can never hold onto things for long.
constants in life are hard to come by,
and that's why i need to hold onto them,
making sure that they stay that way.

the hurts?
we heal them and move on.
the memories?
we keep them and reminisce.
the present?
we make full use of IT and right the wrongs.
there are so many crossroads in our lives,
so many decisions we have to make.
regret is always an option;
but someone once told me,
that life was not meant for regrets,
that we could "live for so much more".
i thought that was a load of bullshit,
but, now i see.
and i hope that in the future,
i'll be able to keep my head above the water,
and see as i see now.

To someone:
thank you for everything you've taught me.
you taught me what it meant to be sensitive,
you taught me what it meant to open up and to trust,
you taught me what it meant to be brave and confident.
you taight me what it MEANS to be a friend.
i have never learnt so much from someone before.
thank you for that learning experience.
though things will never be the same again,
i will keep what you've taught me,
and learn from these experiences in the future.
the good times, the memories?
i'll keep them,
they were good and i had a blast.
i hope you will do the same.
this, i guess, isn't a forever kind of goodbye;
we are who we are.
there's no denying of those facts.
i bolted too easily, you..
we'll just leave it as that.
we BOTH know what happened.
i just wish you the best of luck.
i know you'll be fine.
you have always been.

to YOU:
thank you for everything.
i know things will never be teh same.
but life is a matter of how you make it.
we could start this again,
i'm willing.
are you?
..if your answer is no,
then, i respect your decision.
if it is yes,
remember that i'm no simple girl.
but, i guess you already knew that.
so, i'll do what i can,
but the decision will ultimately be up to YOU.
i'll keep testing the waters,
looking for something that WAS there.
if it's gone, i'll know.
but before it's too late,
i just want you to know that you meant and still mean alot to me.
thank you.

to you:
thank you for being my pillar of support.
thank you for talking me through everyuthing i thought i couldn't handle.
thank you for making me laugh and TRYING to cheer me up,
even when i thought i could never be at peace.
thank you for being there whenever i needed you.
thank you for doing the things that made me feel special.
thank you for being THE constant in my life.
thank you listening to my endless rants.
thank you for those 'pep talks' and for acting like my mother.
thank you for the times we planned to run away together.
life could be full of shit,
but at least i can share it with you.
and i KNOW that some way or another,
you'll make a joke out of it.
so, thank you for keeping me sane.
and..last but not least,
thank you for loving me enough to never let me go...

to my sisters:
thank you, darlings.
life would be boring without you two.
rach darling, cheer up.
sometimes, it doesn't pay to think too much.
i know what it feels like, babe.
i will always be here.
ALWAYS.
even at 3am in he freaking morning.
and she cares.
she told me the other day.
i'm not sure what it means to you now,
but i know she does.
she always has been.
jazzy darling, life's a bitch.
some guys are worse.
so just show tehm that you're better than that,
because i know you are.
believe that.

to the HOTs:
life could be much worse without you guys.
thank you.

i don't know what's with the 'thank you's,
but i just felt that i HAD to do them.
i don't want things to fade away again.
so, i'll make the effort to keep them in place.

The Young and the Hopeless.Good Charlotte.
Hard days made me,
Hard nights shaped me,
I don't know,
They somehow saved me,
And I know I'm making something,
Out of this life they called nothing
I take what I want,
Take what I need,
They say it's wrong,
But it's right for me,
I won't look down,
Won't say I'm sorry,
I know that only God can judge me.

And if I make it through the day,
Will tomorrow be the same?
Am I just running in place?
And if I stumble and I fall,
Should I get up and carry on?
Will it all just be the same?

Cause I'm Young And I'm Hopeless,
I'm lost and know this,
I'm going nowhere fast, that's what they say.
I'm troublesome, I'm fallen,
I'm angry at my father,
It's me against this world, and I don't care.
I don't care.

And no one in this industry,
understands the life I lead,
When I sing about my past,
It's not a gimmick,
not an act.
These critics and these trust fund kids,
The try to tell me what punk is,
But when I see them on the streets,
They got nothin to say!

And if I make it through today,
Will tomorrow be the same?
Am I just running in place?
And if I stumble and I fall,
Should I get up and carry on?
Will it all just be the same?

Cause I'm Young and I'm Hopeless,
I'm lost and know this,
I'm going nowhere fast, that's what they say.
I'm troublesome, I'm fallen,
I'm angry at my father,
It's me against this world, and I don't care.
I don't care,
I don't care,
Now, I don't care.

I'm Young and I'm Hopeless,
I'm lost and know this,
I'm going nowhere fast, that's what they say.
I'm troublesome, I'm fallen
I'm angry at my father,
It's me against this world,
And I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.

I HAD SO MUCH FUN TONIGHT!
THE HOTFAMILY ROCKS!
..it's so funny how things fluctuate,
but when they're high..
haha.
I LOVE IT!!!!
OH MAN!
IT WAS THE BEST TIME I HAVE HAD IN A LOGN WHILE!!!
the wierd things daddy wore..
the inital awkwardness..
the freaky jumping prawns..
the LIVE CRABS!..
the oil-splattering..
the OILY fried chicken..
the wierd tasting soup..
the feeding and sharing of food!..
the PHOTO-TAKING! [still can't believe mummy and addy siam-ed last minute]..
the advertisement making..
the screaming and shouting..
the pool game..
the arcade games [though i sucked at them :p]..
the slamming of the buttons..
the train ride home.

i'll never forgte.
not in a LONG, LONG while.
besides, i have the photos as momentos.
i can't wait till our next meeting.

thank you..
JAZZY UNCLE.SARAH MUMMY.GRACE DADDY.VI AUNTY.ZI STEP-MUMMY.ZIYAN.ACHALA.
ZHEN LUAN [especially you.at least i had closure tonight.]

love you all to bits!

..will never forget..

So it's truly over.
..i remember what you..wrote.
i'll remember it for life.
believe me.
as much as I was a learning experience,
so were you.
change.
I did.
so did YOU.
nobody's saying it's bad.
familiarity was just a comfort.
i have nothing left to say.
goodbye.

i'm not turning back anymore.
good luck.

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

the turning of time.
things change.
they CHANGE.
i don't know how long it'll take me to fully accept that fact.
i keep telling myself that things change,
that people change.
that all of this was inevitable,
and that i couldn't stop it.
not on my own at least.
i keep telling myself that resistance is futile,
that life isn't worth it some times;
espcially since you can't control most of it.
i keep telling myself that life is a game.
a game where i'm never the victor,
where everyone else seems to be moving on and conquering the impossible.
where i'm permanently stuck in my own grave.

pessimism.
some people don't like that.
i never thought i COULD please everyone,
but that didn't stop me from trying.
maybe it is true.
maybe i DO try too hard;
then again, maybe i don't try at all.
there are so many questions without answers.
mostly 'why's and 'how's.
i keep asking,
but i know i'll never get an answer from the rest of the world.
"the answer is within you".
i know that.
..or at least i THINK i do.

torment of living in the past.
haunting memories of events.
holding me back,
can't move forward.
stifled attempts,
smothered pleas.
i try, i never make it.
i need to find an answer.
what answer exactly?
i don't know..

..i don't know..

So many things could happen,
yet only few things DO happen.
you see all the possibilities in life,
and all the decisions you have to make.
the, suddenly, you don't feel like making those decisions any more.
there are always two sides to everything;
humans were given a free will to chose by the good grace of God,
and more often than not,
we make the wrong decisions.
we do the unthinkable,
we HURT people.
in retrospect,
we never know what possessed us to do the thigns we did,
yet the truth is,
the deed is done.
the crime has been commited.
and we'll live out our dyas regretting the bad choices,
wishing for time to be turned;
forever knowing that it's not possible.

so many thins to do,
so many truths to handle.
life is a chore.
God, please show me my worth.
i'm losing grip.
slipping, falling.
i can't hold on anymore.
inching closer to insanity,
drunk in depression.
lies, hate.
animosity.
pretences.
nothing's ever real.
i cannot believe.
i refuse to believe.

Everything's superficial.

Sometimes, i gaze out of the window for long periods of time, wondering where innocence went.i refuse to pay heed to the academic responsibilities i had to MYSELF.the thought crosses my mind once, twice,then i banish it from my mind.serenity overtakes my senses and i am drowned in the quiet night life.so many people, all settling down for the night.

They have so many worries, yet the manage to sleep.no thoughts, just rest.i wonder if there was anyone wo felt as i did.i wonder if there was anyone who gazed out of the window, wishing for simplicity and normalacy, like i did.life speeds forward; never a pause, never a stop.time waited for no man.it drags unwilling passengers, and i am one of those pulled against my will.as life continues, i find myself more and more sonfused.

And so i continue to gaze, wondering if any one did the same.

it's funny.
life gives you good things,
then always ends it as soon as it starts.
i thought i could do something about it;
fight against fate, perhaps.
but it's evident that i can do no such thing.
no man is God.
only god can take such matters into His hands.
destiny.
i prayed that it would not go against me.
but again, i discover many things are.
the people i used to see as important,
the things i cannot see.
pieces of a jigsaw,
strewn all over the floor;
waiting for you to put them back togethre again.
but are you willing?
to see them fall to pieces again?
it's a mighty big piece;
and you ask yourself,
"why did i even bother?"
when you stand at the crossroads again,
where will go go?
where will you turn?
will you sacrifice your free will to fate?
or remain standing there,
unguarded against the elements of your 'destiny'?

i make choices i regret,
do things i'd wish i had never done.
but i still do them anyway.
..why?
because, i am human.
i am not flawless.
i am as flawed as human nature gets.
many can atest to that.
sometimes, i look at myself and don't recognize the person i see.
perhaps, this masquerade has gone on for too long.
perhaps, i'm finally becoming the person i should be.
then again, do i want to be that person?
the floodgates have opened.
the tragedies will never cease.
what opened them..
i'll never know.
but i do know this;
it's too late now to run.
so, on the edge of this cliff,
do i surrender myself to the oncoming waves,
or do i try to fly?

why?
maybe it's time for me to start asking the questions i need to,
and start getting the answers i seek.
i tried to help who i a.
i TRIED to be likeable.
but obviously, i wasn't good enough.
wasn't 'cool' enough.
and i guess i'll never be.
why am i always living in the shadow of jealousy?
haha.i have been so foolish.
to throw so many things away,
just because i want something else.
if only i could start believing in who i am,
and the person i've become.
perhaps even try to LIKE that person.
maybe then, people will start to like that person too.


must get out of that auto-pilot mode and into maunal.
things are changins.
i can't rely on the programmed me to control my fate.
i need to fight for myself,
against myself.
i need to prove to myself that i'm worth more than the values people put on me.
i need to believe that i can do something FOR me.
no one's ever NOT worth it.

so..why should i be an exception?

some things change.
some things will never be he same.
we live life with scars of our folishness.
but we live, all the same.

i still don't get why we try.
i still don't get why we even bother.
some things are MEANT to happen.
why go against it?
why waste your efforts?
why even bother?
sometimes, we do the most foolish things.
sometimes, we commit to things that boast no returns.
sometimes, we waste time on the things that could never be 'better'.
i thought i learned my lesson.
i repeatedly told myself that i did.
but, i never did.
we can't stop this forever.
i can't do anything to push it along.
i've never come across anyone else like..
this.
it's confusing.
i torture myself.
and i don't even know why.
so many things i've did,
all to my own depreciation.
i'd like to believe i had SOME intelligence.
but in truth, i have nothing.

moving forward;
that's what people do all the time.
that's all that people WANT to do.
people look to improve, to do better.
but all i do is to move back.
so many 'could have's.
but no satisfaction.
all i want to do is scream, run away.
lock myself away from the truth of life.
lock myself aaway from myself,
and what i'm capacble of doing.
to myself, to others.
i just want to separate myself from myself.
fight my other self.
let the one i want to be triumph.
but, i am two people.
two personalities inexorably mingled.
try as i might, i cannot separate them.
..ineluctable to fight.
totally useless to struggle.
who am i?
i don't know.
what do others see?
i don't know.
..but why should i care?
i've been caring for the longest time possible,
and i didn't get anything out of it.
some things are meant to be left behind,
to be forgotten.
some things remain inexplicable.
and i'll never find the answers to all of the questions in life.
why, i ask.
so many 'why's.
so few affirmative responses.

i shuold not care.
i need to let go.
i'm holding on too tightly,
suffocating any possbility of healing.
do i want this?
haha, i forget.
it's not a matter of what i 'want',
but what the world can offer.
i am to remain pliant to its demands.
well, then.
forgive my ridiculous attempts at rebellion.
i was made for a life of servanthood to others.
then, let it be so.
i have nothing left to offer.

never what you put in,
but what you get out.
no point forcing it in,
you'll never get anything out of it.
and that's why i give up.
on more than one thing.
what i'm doing now,
what i'll do later;
they've become inconsequential.
i couldn't care less anymore.
i'm beyond reasoning.
nothing makes sense any more.
they never did, they never will.
i've been blinded for so long.
the veil was pulled over my eyes for so long..
and i never resented it.
until it started suffocating me,
twisting itself around my being,
choking me.
i've been so foolish.
why didn't i see?
i guess i'm losing my touch.
i guess i'm losing everything.
i've always been destined for that, huh?
even though i refused to see it in the past,
the thing that matters is that i see it now.

so what do i do?
there is nothing i CAN do.
i let life drift away,
lose everything i have,
..because it was meant to be?
..no, that didn't sound right.
i used to fight;
against all normalacy,
against all odds.
..why is 'now' different?
yeah, so i've seen, felt and said more.
does that make me any different?
in some ways, it does.
but why can't a rvert back?
do the things i should?
be the person i was?
is that even possible?

i struggle to find out.
i fight myself to.

the irony of life and its dilemmas.
but than again, who am i to complain?
what do i have to complain about?
NOTHING.
life's supposed to be absolutely perfect for me.
no problems, no headaches.
'just mug your life away' kind of philosophy.
i'm not wishing for anything any more.
i'm not expecting anything any more.
all in life will be a surprise.
hopefully.

sigh.

..given up on giving up slowly..

redemption.
consequence.
tragedy.
crossraods.
decisions.
vicious cycle.
the irony.

things are going to get better.
there are few certainties in this world,
but i think they are.
people have finally woken up,
i'm not alone anymore.
isn't this what i've always wanted?
..aah yes.but it came at a price.
a very high price.
maybe resultant factors include animosity and spite,
but i can handle that now.
things have definitely changed.
for the better?
we'll see..we'll see.

time to start studying.
EYEs start in 20 days' time.
it's a miracle i haven't started as yet.
well, then.
everything MUST have a beginning.
and it sucks to be sick.

it's clear now.
everything's so clear.
like black against white,
night against day.
there were no grey areas,
no sunsets.
things have always been this clear..
i just refused to see things for the way they really were.
delusion, foolishness.
..i was naive.
i believed in extremes;
either one way or another.
now i see that in a picture,
there are always grey areas.
room for the unknown,
for the forbidden and foolish.
nothing's as clear as we would have liked it to be.
nothing's ever perfect.
we can spend out whole life trying, changing, hoping.
sometimes, it works.
and everyone's happy.
sometimes, it doesn't.
but we accept it all the same.
clinging onto hope?
always a viable option,
but not for too long.
your hands start to burn,
and your limbs grow weak.
for now, i'll hang on.
i'm still hanging on.
i don't want to give up as yet.
change is inevitable;
it's a matter of acceptance.

friendships;
they come and go.
things can never remain the way they were.
time passes, things change.
that's the way it's always been.
and that's the way they'll stay.
value them or not,
they ARE ever present.
grab onto the threds,
cling on with desperation?
that's what i've been doing..
but i've realized,
that there are some that need to be cut.
and so i do;
i need to.
i need to decide for myself,
to leave or not to leave?
they've already left me,
do i continue staying in this desolate place?
or do i walk away?
never seeing them again?
..i didn't dare to walk away in the past.
but now, i see my follishness.
great minds think alike,
fools seldom differ.
hmph.i see it now.
to those who matter,
thank you.
to those who have taught me,
thank you, even more.
you taught me the value of making the right choices;
painful, or not.
you were my lesson.
now, i've learnt it,
and so i walk away..

Jewel.Hands.
If I could tell the world just one thing
it would be that we're all o.k.
And not to worry
cause worry is wasteful
And unless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I wont be idled with dispair
I will gather myself around my faith
for light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know,
but they're not yours they are my own
but they're not yours they are my own
and I am never broken

Poverty stole your golden shoes
but it didn't steel your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
but i knew it wasnt ever after

We'll fight, not out of spite
for someone must stand up for what's right
cause where there's a man who has no voice
there our's shall go singing

My hands are small, i know,
but they're not yours they are my own
but they're not yours they are my own
and I am never broken

In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters

I will get down on my knees and I will pray
I will get down on my knees and I will pray
I will get down on my knees and I will pray

My hands are small, I know,
but they're not yours they are my own
but they're not yours they are my own
and I am never broken

My hands are small, i know,
but they're not yours they are my own
but they're not yours they are my own
and I am never broken
We are never broken

We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
God's hands
God's hands