And so, JYC ends.
I MISS IT ALREADY.
even after the sleep depravation and INITIALLY unenthu group.
I MISS JYC.
i'll miss the meetings.
i'll miss the running around.
i'll miss the laughing.
(i have never laughed so much in my LIFE)
i'll miss the praise and worship.
i'll miss the games.
i'll miss the dunking and water bombs.
i'll miss kindness.
i'll even miss the food.
but above all,
i'll miss the comm.
no doubt we'll drift now.
but for the sake of my present sanity,
i'll continue hoping.

more camp updates later

WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT?!

it's never worth it.
i was meant to live in the background.
i wonder how you would feel.
perhaps life would do justice.
i know it never will.
all of this be damned.

There is a time for everything.
Time to laugh, time to grieve.
but somewhere in the middle,
we reach a transition period.
do we, then, fluctuate between the two extremes?
or remain completely emotionless?
though, the latter would have been ideal.

Being idle.
that's hardly an entertaining hobby.
it puzzles me to know that there are those who seem to enjoy it.
no sense of purpose and drive;
it seems unbecoming of us youth to be in such a sad predicament.
then again, who would choose being idle over something else?
laziness, perhaps.
and that's my one of my biggest problems i guess.
laziness and procrastination.
and so, i continue to rot while being idle.

But in truth, are we ever idle?
our minds are ever working;
never ceasing.
we process everythig we see,
everything we know and feel.
human beings are, in that way, naturally greedy.
we desire the knowledge about everything;
we try and comprehend everything.
then, at the end of the day,
we curse and swear,
scolding life for US being to greedy for information.
prehaps, i'm speaking of the minority,
but it happens;
and we don't realize how amusing the whole situation is,
until we hit that 'thought-topic'
human beings are complicated creatures.

then again, life's complicated too.
perhaps we were made that way to compliment life,
and all its complexities and twisted truths.
contradictions never really refute each other;
there are still differences in similarity.
life's one great big mystery.
it always has been, it will forever be.
then, why are we still trying to figure THIS all out?
might as well do somthing more constructive;
..right?
rational thinkers would agree;
but there are those hopelessly lost,
in wonder of the mystery of life.
and so, we continue to search for answers;
perhaps, just maybe, we would find them one day.

maybe, just maybe.

Jimmy eat world.work.
If you only once would let me
Only just one time
Then be happy with the consequence
With whatever's gonna happen tonight
Don't think we're not serious
When's it ever not
The love we make is give and it's take
I'm game to play along

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time

All the best DJs are saving
The slowest song for last
When the dance is through
Its me and you
Come on would it really be so bad
The things we think might be the same
But I won't fight for more
Its just not me to wear it on my sleeve
Count on that for sure

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
Wanna take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
Yeah - We still have time

Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you
Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
Wanna take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
We still have time

Tell The World.Hillsongs United.
Don't want to stand here and shout Your praise
And walk away and forget Your Name
I'll stand for you if it's all I do
Cause there is none that compare to You

Cause all I want in this lifetime is You
And all i want in this whole world is you

Tell the world that Jesus lives
Tell the world that, tell the world that
Tell the world that he died for them
Tell the world that he lives again

No longer I but Christ in me
Cause it's the truth that set me free
How could this world be a better place?
But by thy mercy and by thy grace

C'mon, c'mon we'll tell the world about You
C'mon, c'mon we'll tell the world about You

Tell the world that Jesus lives
Tell the world that, tell the world that
Tell the world that he died for them
Tell the world that he lives again

C'mon, c'mon we'll tell the world about You
Tell the world that
Tell the world that
C'mon, c'mon we'll tell the world about You
Tell the world that
Tell the world that
About You

Some things aren't as plain as they seem.
simplicity?a facade, rather.
nothing could be any less than complex;
in the world we live in,
simplicity is always sought.
it is rarely found.
impossible, though?
much remains to be seen.

Some times, we see the things we wish.
Comfort?a front, rather.
comfort rarely lasts;
in the world we live in,
wishes rarely come true.
impossible, though?
much remains to be seen.

conscious, unconscious;
we wish all the same.
are not humans, then, stupid?
for allowing themselves disappointment and guilt,
when they fall short of their expectations?
why do expectations even exist?
to apply the necessary pressure on an individual, perhaps?
..or possibly to ruin him.

expecations and wishes;
hopes, all the same.
why do we place hope on human existance,
when it has proven to disappoint?
what IS disappointment?
an sense of regret when something is not achieved?
..or possibly sadness.

disappointment, sadness;
human emotion, all the same.
why do we feel,
when we know it will hurt to do so?
what is it to FEEL?
a physical touch or stimulus?
..or possbly something intangiable.

WHY;
we keep asking why.
why, in that case, do we keep asking the same question that we know we are never going to get an answer to?
are we stupid,
or merely deluded?

why strive for simplicity,
when our world was too complex to begin with?

Fallen.Sarah McLachlan.
Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

I need to know if i want to let go.
i NEED to let go.
i need to accept.

wallowing in self pity.
condemned by self.
tormented by conscince.
repititions of what had happened.
fears of what may come to pass.
i can't control a thing..
i can't control a thing..

Life is funny in the little things it allows to happen.
you thought you were making progress,
but you obviously weren't.
and life decided that it'd be funny,
to withold that truth from you.
well, then.
HAHA.thank you for making me laugh.
i see how stupid i've been.
only thing is..
what can i do to change that fact?

so many things have happened.
how do we continue?
do we move forward?
trace out steps?
or just stand still?
sometimes, being relentless is pointless.
then again,
sometimes being relentless brings relief.
when do we know?
we don't;
or do we?

is this reminiscent of what WE'VE done?
or is it one 'remarkable coincidence?

Diwali yesterday was spent at achala's house.
WATCHING a hinid movie that made ALMOST everyone cry.
[so maybe zhen luan IS dead to all things touching..
..then again, who am i to talk?]
hurhur.there was an intermission,
where we LIGHTED THE CANDLES!
heart shapes, circles..CANDLES!
it was nice.to say the least.
orangy-red against darkness IS nice
ok, then back to the show where tears flowed even more freely.
achu needs to wash her cushions.
then we played with SPARKLERS!
both the normals ones and FUNKY ones that made SOUNDS!!
and BOMB BAGS TOO!
WAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!
haha, then DOLLY suddenly exclaimed that she got BURNT!
it turned out that her "burn" was a piece of wax.
hurhur.haha.then, we went back in to have dinner!
MAN!!THE FOOD IS SPICY!!!
we ate with our hands,
and got ourselves STUFFED.
the desserts were..preculiar..
but nice all the same(:
SINFUL WAY OF EATING INDEED.
haha..we all went back VERY FULL.
and so, that concludes my first time celebrating Diwali.
interesting that it coincides with the first day of TRUE freedom.

things seem better now,
but are they truly?

you can't have the world,
even thought you want to.
i'd like to see selfishness as the part of us that never really grew up.
we're still that small kid,
wanting everything;
expecting the world.
and in that way,
our innocence is preserved.
then again,
reality doesn't accept innocnece.

it's wake up time.
i can't continue sleeping.

Josh Groban.Believe.
Children sleeping
snow is softly falling.
Dreams are calling
like bells in the distance.

We were dreamers not so long ago.
But one by one we all had to grow up.

When it seems the magic slipped away,
we find it all again on Christmas day...

Believe in what your heart is saying,
hear the melody that's playing.
There's no time to waste,
there's so much to celebrate.

Believe in what you feel inside,
And give your dreams the wings to fly.
You have everything you need,
If you just believe.

Trains move quickly to their journey's end.
Destinations are we begin again.
Ships go sailing far across the sea.
Trust in starlight, to get where they need to be.

When it seems that we have lost our way,
we find ourselves again on Christmas day...

Believe in what your heart is saying,
hear the melody that's playing.
There's no time to waste,
there's so much to celebrate.

Believe in what you feel inside,
And give your dreams the wings to fly.
You have everything you need,
If you just believe.

Present moment:
the world is caving in.
it's getting pitch black.
i can't see any more.
i don't know who's around me;
i don't know who's WITH me.
no one's in front of me,
no one's behind me.
insecurity knaws at my conscience.
perhaps, i shout too loud.
perhaps, i'm everything i shouldn't be.
perhpas, i was clueless.
perhaps, i still am.
but one thing's for sure;
i'm paying the price for it now.
..left alone;
servant to darkness,
lacky to inferiority.

The other side:
guilt is dissolving everything.
my hopes for an acceptable grade,
my hopes for future grades;
all gone.
all because of my stupidty,
because of my weakness.
procrastination is part of my life.
and now, sloth is catching on.
everything in the past was acceptable.
to me, at least.
i can't stand the person i am.
i don't know who i've become.
i ask myself who i am and how my values have morphed.
i draw a blank.
i cannot answer myself.
re-examination never helps.
so many things i could do,
but so many more things i have DONE.
nothing changes the past,
but the present changes the future.
what i'd give to live in the past.

what you do now, might change what you do in the future.
how i wish i could travel through time.
live a life in pure bliss.
in memories, in experiences.
nightmarish realities cast aside,
beckoning a happier past.
how perefct life would be,
if i could travel in time.
so, change the present, you say.
then, i will reply;
what good will the present do,
if it can't erase the past?

shying away from the light.
trepidation.anticipation.
warmth, a glorious warmth!
basking in light,
revelling in pleasures unknown.
quick, quick, quick.
it's whisked away.
thrown to the wind,
carried away by the night breeze.
stars ever seeing,
the skies are the limits.
darkness falls;
encased in that shell of gloom.
the candles go out.
the room is dark.
a shift.a slight movement.
cowering in a corner.
stifled gasps.smothered sobs.
"enough.please, enough."
no one hears.
the temperature dipped.
she was alone again.
she had always been alone.

Goo Goo Dolls.Iris.
And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
and sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Life is about to get busier again.
STUPID chinese Os.
then, i realize life after that's gonna be worse.
and so, i shut up.

Jealousy.
plays a bg part in LIFE as a whole.
you see something you want,
yet you know you can't have it.
you TRY to get it,
but end up getting hurt.
i SEE no point in jealousy or spite,
yet, i am human.
i FEEL jealousy and spite.
ALL of us do,
only some of us feel it more than others.
contempt?
i guess.
has always been there,
will forever remain.
product or cause of jealousy?
..it's a matter of perspective, is it not?

Why am i human?
Why can't i FEEL less?
it's a package deal.
i wonder how some people manage to do one,
while keeping the other locked up.
it's amazing.
i know i was never an achiever.
i just wish i could be.
for once...

then again,
things never really change...

Life's looking better.
i guess what they say is right;
life is all about perspective.
BUT, sometimes,
perspectives without actual happenings,
lead to nothing in the end.
the end of the exams.
the start up of some things old.
the closure of some things long drawn out.
the beginning of new things.
that IS life for you.
a never ending journey;
of facts,
of view points,
of opinions..
and above all,
of self-discovery.
what's the point of living life without YOU being in it?
it's selfish, but at the end of the day,
that's all we think about.

Above duty, before self.
hmmm.our duty to God.
we owe Him everything.
i KNOW that.
and i can't wait to get started on thanksgiving.
but for now,
i'll keep on working;
working to keep a stable relationship with Him,
working to change because He wants me to.
i should live for Him.
i must.

I have so many things to say,
yet, some how,
i can never find the words to use.
so many emotions,
so many happenings,
so many revelations.
i could say i'm scared;
of the unknown,
of the future.
i AM scared.
but, i know i'll have to face them sooner or later.
things come and go in passing,
i guess i can never hold onto things for long.
constants in life are hard to come by,
and that's why i need to hold onto them,
making sure that they stay that way.

the hurts?
we heal them and move on.
the memories?
we keep them and reminisce.
the present?
we make full use of IT and right the wrongs.
there are so many crossroads in our lives,
so many decisions we have to make.
regret is always an option;
but someone once told me,
that life was not meant for regrets,
that we could "live for so much more".
i thought that was a load of bullshit,
but, now i see.
and i hope that in the future,
i'll be able to keep my head above the water,
and see as i see now.

To someone:
thank you for everything you've taught me.
you taught me what it meant to be sensitive,
you taught me what it meant to open up and to trust,
you taught me what it meant to be brave and confident.
you taight me what it MEANS to be a friend.
i have never learnt so much from someone before.
thank you for that learning experience.
though things will never be the same again,
i will keep what you've taught me,
and learn from these experiences in the future.
the good times, the memories?
i'll keep them,
they were good and i had a blast.
i hope you will do the same.
this, i guess, isn't a forever kind of goodbye;
we are who we are.
there's no denying of those facts.
i bolted too easily, you..
we'll just leave it as that.
we BOTH know what happened.
i just wish you the best of luck.
i know you'll be fine.
you have always been.

to YOU:
thank you for everything.
i know things will never be teh same.
but life is a matter of how you make it.
we could start this again,
i'm willing.
are you?
..if your answer is no,
then, i respect your decision.
if it is yes,
remember that i'm no simple girl.
but, i guess you already knew that.
so, i'll do what i can,
but the decision will ultimately be up to YOU.
i'll keep testing the waters,
looking for something that WAS there.
if it's gone, i'll know.
but before it's too late,
i just want you to know that you meant and still mean alot to me.
thank you.

to you:
thank you for being my pillar of support.
thank you for talking me through everyuthing i thought i couldn't handle.
thank you for making me laugh and TRYING to cheer me up,
even when i thought i could never be at peace.
thank you for being there whenever i needed you.
thank you for doing the things that made me feel special.
thank you for being THE constant in my life.
thank you listening to my endless rants.
thank you for those 'pep talks' and for acting like my mother.
thank you for the times we planned to run away together.
life could be full of shit,
but at least i can share it with you.
and i KNOW that some way or another,
you'll make a joke out of it.
so, thank you for keeping me sane.
and..last but not least,
thank you for loving me enough to never let me go...

to my sisters:
thank you, darlings.
life would be boring without you two.
rach darling, cheer up.
sometimes, it doesn't pay to think too much.
i know what it feels like, babe.
i will always be here.
ALWAYS.
even at 3am in he freaking morning.
and she cares.
she told me the other day.
i'm not sure what it means to you now,
but i know she does.
she always has been.
jazzy darling, life's a bitch.
some guys are worse.
so just show tehm that you're better than that,
because i know you are.
believe that.

to the HOTs:
life could be much worse without you guys.
thank you.

i don't know what's with the 'thank you's,
but i just felt that i HAD to do them.
i don't want things to fade away again.
so, i'll make the effort to keep them in place.

The Young and the Hopeless.Good Charlotte.
Hard days made me,
Hard nights shaped me,
I don't know,
They somehow saved me,
And I know I'm making something,
Out of this life they called nothing
I take what I want,
Take what I need,
They say it's wrong,
But it's right for me,
I won't look down,
Won't say I'm sorry,
I know that only God can judge me.

And if I make it through the day,
Will tomorrow be the same?
Am I just running in place?
And if I stumble and I fall,
Should I get up and carry on?
Will it all just be the same?

Cause I'm Young And I'm Hopeless,
I'm lost and know this,
I'm going nowhere fast, that's what they say.
I'm troublesome, I'm fallen,
I'm angry at my father,
It's me against this world, and I don't care.
I don't care.

And no one in this industry,
understands the life I lead,
When I sing about my past,
It's not a gimmick,
not an act.
These critics and these trust fund kids,
The try to tell me what punk is,
But when I see them on the streets,
They got nothin to say!

And if I make it through today,
Will tomorrow be the same?
Am I just running in place?
And if I stumble and I fall,
Should I get up and carry on?
Will it all just be the same?

Cause I'm Young and I'm Hopeless,
I'm lost and know this,
I'm going nowhere fast, that's what they say.
I'm troublesome, I'm fallen,
I'm angry at my father,
It's me against this world, and I don't care.
I don't care,
I don't care,
Now, I don't care.

I'm Young and I'm Hopeless,
I'm lost and know this,
I'm going nowhere fast, that's what they say.
I'm troublesome, I'm fallen
I'm angry at my father,
It's me against this world,
And I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.

I HAD SO MUCH FUN TONIGHT!
THE HOTFAMILY ROCKS!
..it's so funny how things fluctuate,
but when they're high..
haha.
I LOVE IT!!!!
OH MAN!
IT WAS THE BEST TIME I HAVE HAD IN A LOGN WHILE!!!
the wierd things daddy wore..
the inital awkwardness..
the freaky jumping prawns..
the LIVE CRABS!..
the oil-splattering..
the OILY fried chicken..
the wierd tasting soup..
the feeding and sharing of food!..
the PHOTO-TAKING! [still can't believe mummy and addy siam-ed last minute]..
the advertisement making..
the screaming and shouting..
the pool game..
the arcade games [though i sucked at them :p]..
the slamming of the buttons..
the train ride home.

i'll never forgte.
not in a LONG, LONG while.
besides, i have the photos as momentos.
i can't wait till our next meeting.

thank you..
JAZZY UNCLE.SARAH MUMMY.GRACE DADDY.VI AUNTY.ZI STEP-MUMMY.ZIYAN.ACHALA.
ZHEN LUAN [especially you.at least i had closure tonight.]

love you all to bits!

..will never forget..

So it's truly over.
..i remember what you..wrote.
i'll remember it for life.
believe me.
as much as I was a learning experience,
so were you.
change.
I did.
so did YOU.
nobody's saying it's bad.
familiarity was just a comfort.
i have nothing left to say.
goodbye.

i'm not turning back anymore.
good luck.

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

the turning of time.
things change.
they CHANGE.
i don't know how long it'll take me to fully accept that fact.
i keep telling myself that things change,
that people change.
that all of this was inevitable,
and that i couldn't stop it.
not on my own at least.
i keep telling myself that resistance is futile,
that life isn't worth it some times;
espcially since you can't control most of it.
i keep telling myself that life is a game.
a game where i'm never the victor,
where everyone else seems to be moving on and conquering the impossible.
where i'm permanently stuck in my own grave.

pessimism.
some people don't like that.
i never thought i COULD please everyone,
but that didn't stop me from trying.
maybe it is true.
maybe i DO try too hard;
then again, maybe i don't try at all.
there are so many questions without answers.
mostly 'why's and 'how's.
i keep asking,
but i know i'll never get an answer from the rest of the world.
"the answer is within you".
i know that.
..or at least i THINK i do.

torment of living in the past.
haunting memories of events.
holding me back,
can't move forward.
stifled attempts,
smothered pleas.
i try, i never make it.
i need to find an answer.
what answer exactly?
i don't know..

..i don't know..

So many things could happen,
yet only few things DO happen.
you see all the possibilities in life,
and all the decisions you have to make.
the, suddenly, you don't feel like making those decisions any more.
there are always two sides to everything;
humans were given a free will to chose by the good grace of God,
and more often than not,
we make the wrong decisions.
we do the unthinkable,
we HURT people.
in retrospect,
we never know what possessed us to do the thigns we did,
yet the truth is,
the deed is done.
the crime has been commited.
and we'll live out our dyas regretting the bad choices,
wishing for time to be turned;
forever knowing that it's not possible.

so many thins to do,
so many truths to handle.
life is a chore.
God, please show me my worth.
i'm losing grip.
slipping, falling.
i can't hold on anymore.
inching closer to insanity,
drunk in depression.
lies, hate.
animosity.
pretences.
nothing's ever real.
i cannot believe.
i refuse to believe.

Everything's superficial.

Sometimes, i gaze out of the window for long periods of time, wondering where innocence went.i refuse to pay heed to the academic responsibilities i had to MYSELF.the thought crosses my mind once, twice,then i banish it from my mind.serenity overtakes my senses and i am drowned in the quiet night life.so many people, all settling down for the night.

They have so many worries, yet the manage to sleep.no thoughts, just rest.i wonder if there was anyone wo felt as i did.i wonder if there was anyone who gazed out of the window, wishing for simplicity and normalacy, like i did.life speeds forward; never a pause, never a stop.time waited for no man.it drags unwilling passengers, and i am one of those pulled against my will.as life continues, i find myself more and more sonfused.

And so i continue to gaze, wondering if any one did the same.