i'm sorry.
i could say it a thousand times over,
but i know i'll never be able to make up for what i did.
or what i DO.

i'm sorry.
i'm a miserable excuse for a human being.
someone ought to shoot me and rid this world of THIS irritance.
i AM the irritance.

i'm sorry.
i'm a mistake.
i don't deserve to be living.
others are more deserving.

i'm sorry.
i give so many excuses,
dealing them out one after another.
too many excuses.

i'm sorry.
i backstab, i lie.
i ought to die.
PLEASE, PLEASE kill me.

...i'm sorry for being me.
not that the world can forgive.

Parents.
two people i'll never be able to understand.
them and all their weird antics.
perhaps, IF/when i become a parent myself..
but DEFINITELY not now.

Life.
becoming monotonous again.
work, stone, sleep.
haha.but it better start now;
better than NEVER.
and besides, it's gonna be like that next year.
so, i can't complain, can i?

Friends.
funny people.
some of them mean it when they say that they'll "be there for you"
but, some of them don't.
thank God i met more of the former.
and i guess all of them,
are God's blessings to me.
i learn new things everyday;
and more often than not,
i learn from THEM.

this year's gonne be different.
i FEEL it.

Aahh.new week.
rachh's coming back tomorrow,
the hiews will be back on thursday.
adriel's leaving today for m'sia.
dlam's leaving for m'sia on thursday.
dng's in australia.
today, the number of US left in singapore stands at 3.
4, including jane.
lowest we've had yet, i think.
ohh well.
we'll all be re-united soon!
soon enough at least..

Went out for lunch with jane and john yesterday.
couldn't finish the carl's jr burger + fries + drink.
i'm gonna put on weight this holidays.
BUT, i wouldn't seem to care less.
hmmm.don't know why.
went to watch twist of fate too.
'AH SEE!'
haha.was quite funny at some parts.
but not the sort you would continue laughing over.
i guess it wasn't as 'wow' as it thought it would be.
ohh well.
it's been such a long time since i've done blogging like this.
haha.a good, or bad thing?
i wonder.

Change is good, i guess.

Now, TIME TO START WORK.
180 degree change indeed.
better NOW than LATER i guess.

I cannot think.
i must NOT think.

It's drizzling now.
the breeze is pleasant;
trees swaying and wind chimes souding in the distance.
everything's quiet.
i like decembers.
the world slows down,
the weather cools off.
and everything sees closure.
maybe this year,
more so than others.

SO MUCH WORK TO DO!
REVISION, HOMEWORK, ADVANCED STUDYING.
i say we'll all go insane,
if we did nothing else.
some are already on their way there.
next year; O level year.
and we're supposed to be ohsostressedandworried.
i some how don't seem to see that.
it's as if EVERYONE decided to take a break,
after a busy/tiring sec 3 year.
everyone can't bear to start work;
let alone revision or advanced studying.
but i guess, it's for the best.
we all need to learn the meaning of fun,
once in a while.
and as they say..
"better late than never".

God blessed me this holiday.
with JYC.
with the JYC committee.
i never knew i needed JYC so badly.
but now, i do.
and i really thank God that he has everything planned.
everything happens for a reason;
and THAT is highly comforting.
we're so relient on Him,
and some of us don't even know it.

Christmas shopping to do!
the LOVELY pub comm,
DNG, tiff, john, josh, jake, sam, adriel.
the 20th. 7pm.
i.can't.wait!
i hope we stay this way
PUB COMM + DNG!
studying for Os, shopping for prom and WHATNOT!
we'll do them , together(:

happiness isn't overrated.
i was just deluded (:

It's december already.
Christmas is 24 days away.
perhpas, it won't be so bad thing year.
maybe, miracles DO happen.
i'll just wait TO see.
time passed so quickly this year.
2005 is almost gone.
so many events, so many changes.
and i never expected it to be so..
unexpected.
i guess our seniors were right.
time did pass quickly in sec 3;
even till this moment,
time is flying away.

it's fascinating how complex life can be.
one minute you're laughing,
the next, you may be crying.
i don't get it some times;
how VOLATILE moods are.
and it's strange how these moods affect the decisions we make.
this year, alone,
i made a few..disturbing..decisions.
but, they've been made nonetheless.
and now, i face repurcussions of what i've done.
i can't erase my past;
because that's who i am.
everything i've done,
everything i've believed in up till this point,
contibutes to 'me'.
and there is no way i can change that.
so, why bother trying to?
"Don't seek acceptance FROM people,
seek PEOPLE who accept YOU."
hah.life COULD BE as simple as that.
some where, some how,
people were made to accept each and every one of us.
God made it so.
He promised us that we would never be alone;
and God never lies.
i'm ashamed to call myself a christian.
i never believed Him.

it's ironic that i discover most about life,
from non-christians.
it's as if they bring new ideas and concepts,
to the ones i already have in my head.
and they SHOW me what life COULD be,
without God, without a faith to cling onto.
they bring new points of view;
they bring diversity.
but through it all,
i see that i could NEVER live without Him.

it's funny how we couls spend our lives searching for perfection,
when perfection never really existed.
some waste their life away,
looking for the meaning of life,
when there IS no definite meaning.
and yet, through all our STUPID attempts ot be something better,
He would always be there.
probably sighing in frustration,
but there nonetheless.
all of us are kids, really.
we always want to be THE BEST.
the SMARTEST.
the FASTEST.
no one wants to be left behind, or forgotten.
we all want to belong.
and some times, some where along the way,
we forget who we truly belong to,
and what we truly NEED.
and, ironically, in that way,
we're never truly the BEST.
maybe some times,
it's better to get what you need,
rather than what you want>.

life COULD be confusing,
life COULD be depressing,
but it's a matter of choice.
at the end of the day,
life is as we see it.
and our perception changes everything.

We spend our lives trying to fit in.
but, do we EVER?
it's comical to think that some of us still bother to try,
after failing so many times.
so many people, so many events.
different crowds, different occasions.
YET, we never stop trying to fit in.
some people make it seem SO EASY.
they breeze through life,
as if company didn't make a difference.
then, there are those who never stop;
grovelling for attention and acknowledgement.
HAHA.
i think humans are funny creatures.
we're funny in our diversity;
we're funny in our differences.
so many things we could do,
and yet, we don't do them.
we choose something else.
and end up miserable.
HAHA.
i think life's a funny thing.

the window is open.
midnight sky, cool breeze.
everything's quiet.
i see lights in the distance,
trees swaying in the breeze.
i hear wind chimes
and the quiet trickling of water in the distance.
and i know that this is perfection.
then, i start to think.
of the times i've seen such perfection,
of the things i did at this time of the day.
i remember and everything comes rushing back to me.
every emotion; every situation; every person.
2/m chalet 2004.
we were bowling.
we were angry.
we went back, cried,
and decided to take a stroll.
a whole group of us.
ahh yes, the HOTfamily at its best.
walking along the beach,
feeling the wind against our bodies,
and the warmth from within.
there was a comfortable silence too.
if only i had a picture of the smiles.
August 2005.
a piece of seemingly bad news.
staircase landing.
muddled thoughts.
lacked courage.
bleeding.
HAHA.
how funny it seems.
insecurity.
incompetence.

i laugh at my own progression.
i hate to be up at night;
when the air's cool,
and everything's perfect.
i hate to be reminded of the past.
i hate to reminisce about how things WERE.
and yet, i still do these things.
HAHAHA.

now, he's gone.
someone please shoot me.

Christmas is drawing near.
26 days away, to be precise.
everyone seems excited bout it.
festive season, christmas spirit.
i don't get what these mean.
really.
christmas is about celebrating Christ's birth.
yes, and we do.
the gifts and GIVING them make it memorable.
but, isn't that all there is to christmas?
what's it that makes christmas so special?
why does everyone anticipate it?
i don't get it.
the splendor of christmas morning perhaps?
or the innocence and happiness when opening gifts?
i don't see it.
i don't get what makes christmas so special.
call me a sceptic,
or humbug..
i still won't be able to see.

i believed i have loved christmas before.
perhaps, as a child,
when everything was about the gifts and laughter.
how WOULD growing up change anything?
..i thought that i'd love christmas forever.
and today, i find myself saying that i hate it.
oh goodness, i'm turning into the Grinch.
maybe it's because of the past 2 years,
and the little significance each christmas holds for me.
i can't look back on the past 2 christmases,
and sigh in contentment of all the happiness i had experienced.
nope, not possible.
i thought that christmases were meant to be more splendid as the years passed,
but i guess not.
i guess resentment just got worse each year.
family in, family out.
some times, i feel as if i need a break.
but, my folks will never get that, will they?
it's always
"mind your uncles"
or
"take care of your grandparents"
or
"be careful of what you say"

i don't get the meaning of christmas.
it's devoid of family cheer.
each agthering is a torture.
and the rest of the day is spent in total boredom and reflection.
i wonder if my parents enjoy christmas;
they never seem to be happy about anything any more.

if everything boils down to duty and commitment,
what else would there be left to live for?
i can't imagine that day i forget what 'fun' feels like.
but, i guess that is what GROWING up does to you,
doesn't it?
it's depressing to see such things everyday.
no wonder people never want to grow up.

Some things i see,
some things i don't.
some things i was meant to see,
some things i wasn't.
but at the end of the day,
i'll judge what i see.
and based on that judgement,
i'll form my beliefs.

it's FUNNY how fast my moods change.
and how my 'beliefs' sway with my moods.
i hate the person i am now,
i hate the uncertainty i have toward certain things.
i hate the fact that i can't stand firm in what i believe in, at certain times.
but i guess, this IS all part of adolescence.
we discover who we are,
and we dicide what we believe in.
it's funny how a few years can change so much,
but that's how life is.
FUNNY.

and so, i laugh.
i ALWAYS laugh.
..don't i?
whether or not i man it, on the other hand,
is a different issue.

rachh's in L.A.
josh and jake are leaving for New Zealand.
deb's going to Australia.

a break for 'comm meetings' perhaps?
i hope not.
if there's one thing i want more than anything else,
it'll be that the comm stay close;
as close we can be anyway.
and that friendships will strengthen.
perhaps, THIS is my Christmas wish.
i just hope that i've been a good enough girl this year..

if you're reading this,
and i believe you are,
i'm sorry.
for your sake,
maybe it really is time for us to part ways.
you've got things to do,
a faith to believe in,
and i wont stand in your way.
i promise i wont mess it up.
yes, our lives are so different,
and i think we both need some time apart.
i've got thinking to be done,
re-papers to be faced,
and its probably best i do it alone.
you once said maybe you were too reliant on me.
i'm thinking, was i too reliant on you?
and i dont know.
i guess its also time for me to face this world on my own.
we promised never to say goodbye.
and i hope, maybe one day,
we can talk this over.
again.

i'm sorry.

love,
desmond.

babe, this is proof that i have read it.
you KNOW..i don't have to say it.
but perhaps, this is the best.
for now.
i'd like to talk it over, one day.
and till then, you don't have to be sorry for anything.
i should be sorry.

i'll still be loving you the way i did..
shermaine

Just read through my archives, and realized how different i was in the past.i used RACHAEL LINGO and wasn't embarrassed bout it.i recounted almost EVREYTHING in my life.i was relaxed, i felt secure..perhaps, even confident that i was enough.then some where, some how, all that began to change.the posts started getting more and more depressing.my 'confidence' was lost, and i became paranoid.everything deteriorated till i didn't know who i was, or what i stood for.i became a being, living for the sake of living.i had goals, yes, bu some how, they were all dashed; and i was left with nothing.i was an empty shell, living because i had to.

i don't know what's changed from then.am i still the same person?..or can i seek revival?SHOULD i seek revival?..it's just weird to think about such things after being numb for so long.it's almost as if i was suddenly jolted back to life, finally living and breathign all its colour again.i can see now; life in all its brilliance.and so, i ask myself, "where have i been?what have i been missing out on?".perhaps, i KNEW what life was, only i didn't believe it.i didn't believe that there was so much more to life.but, i see now..and there IS alot more to life.

perhaps, this holiday period was meant as a gift to me.to save me from drowning in my own self-pity.to wake me up from my depression.to finally allow me to see that i AM worth it, that life IS worth it.and perhaps, i'll find myself again.

i feel happiness, all over again.
and i revel in it.

thank God for the wake up call.
cos, without his doing through the jyc comm, i dond't think THIS would be possible.
jyc was enjoyable.the committee was a blessing.
thank god, for all his wonders.

YOU.
i thought you were giving up.
and you are, cos you're admitting that this IS the end.
we're too different.
you're against everything i am,
and i see the value of what i believe in now.
i'm not going to have you belittle them any more.
i'm trying to stand up;
something i sadly couldn't do when we were close.
i know this is selfish, but please..
don't mess this up for me.
don't think that i won't miss you.
cos i will, but this is for the best.

Things change.
i don't know why;
sometimes, i don't even know how.
but they do.
no matter how frustrating,
we accept.

YOU ask why.
i'm sorry i don't have the answer for you.
not now, not yet.
perhaps i have a few reasons.
but you'll probably just tell me all of it is 'bullshit',
then tell me to 'fuck off'.
well then.
i'll save you the hassle.
i'm wlaking off myself.
it's sad that you don't want it back any more.
you're admitting defeat SO FAST.
i can't make the compromises YOU yourself aren't willing to make.
we're too different, babe.
and perhaps, you'll do better off withOUT me.
this might be the end.
perhaps.perhaps..

the things we do and think about for acceptance.

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

i never saw..

Tear my heart open,
i sew myself shut.
my weakness is that i care too much.
and my scars remind me that my past is real;
tear my heart open,
just to feel.

enough.self.pity.

Can't say I was never wrong,
but some blame rests on you.
Work and play they're never okay
..to mix the way we do

i thought i would never say bye to you.
but this time, i have to.
i'll remember the 13th of may 2005 forever.
thank you.

Goodbye to you,
goodbye to everything that i knew.
you were the one that i loved,
the ONE THING that i tried to hold onto

..i really did try.
i guess i was NEVER your priority.
and now, for the final time,
i'm saying goodbye.
..though you would never know.

Jesus Lover of my soul
Jesus i will never let you go
youve taken me from the miry clay
Set my feet upon a rock and now i know

I need you
I love you
Though my world may fall i'll never let you go
My saviour, My closest friend.
I will worship you
Until the very end.

INTERESTING things have happened in the past few days.
haha, i won't even start to recount them.
one thing i do know;
i love the JYC committee 2005,
and i pray and hope that it'll stay THIS way.
ignorantly hopeful,
or realistically pessimistic.
i wonder.
but i PRAY and hope we'll stay this way,
for a good, LONG time.

i don't have to hide who i am.
not excessively, at least.

school activities and commitments are fading away.
i DREAD them now;
i don't know why.
JYC withdrawal, perhaps?
LTC's next week;
i can't compromise performance or discipline.
sigh.the stupid things we do.
i haven't even touched my school work,
analyzed my results,
started revsion,
OR next year's studying yet.
it's funny how one event can change OTHER totally unrelated events.
funny.i find all of this very funny.

who i am, i cannot change.
cos i've tried, and now?
i'm too fed up to do anything else.

WHO WILL STICK WITH ME TILL THE END?
..ugh.i'm disgusted with my own self-centered-ness.
someone, please hit me on the head.
i need an effective wake up call.
i've been sleeping for WAY too long...

jazzy darling,
rach's away.
the HOTs aren't meeting.
yes, we need to talk;
but it's gonna be hard.
i miss 2m.
i miss the old HOTfamily.

And so, JYC ends.
I MISS IT ALREADY.
even after the sleep depravation and INITIALLY unenthu group.
I MISS JYC.
i'll miss the meetings.
i'll miss the running around.
i'll miss the laughing.
(i have never laughed so much in my LIFE)
i'll miss the praise and worship.
i'll miss the games.
i'll miss the dunking and water bombs.
i'll miss kindness.
i'll even miss the food.
but above all,
i'll miss the comm.
no doubt we'll drift now.
but for the sake of my present sanity,
i'll continue hoping.

more camp updates later

WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT?!

it's never worth it.
i was meant to live in the background.
i wonder how you would feel.
perhaps life would do justice.
i know it never will.
all of this be damned.

There is a time for everything.
Time to laugh, time to grieve.
but somewhere in the middle,
we reach a transition period.
do we, then, fluctuate between the two extremes?
or remain completely emotionless?
though, the latter would have been ideal.

Being idle.
that's hardly an entertaining hobby.
it puzzles me to know that there are those who seem to enjoy it.
no sense of purpose and drive;
it seems unbecoming of us youth to be in such a sad predicament.
then again, who would choose being idle over something else?
laziness, perhaps.
and that's my one of my biggest problems i guess.
laziness and procrastination.
and so, i continue to rot while being idle.

But in truth, are we ever idle?
our minds are ever working;
never ceasing.
we process everythig we see,
everything we know and feel.
human beings are, in that way, naturally greedy.
we desire the knowledge about everything;
we try and comprehend everything.
then, at the end of the day,
we curse and swear,
scolding life for US being to greedy for information.
prehaps, i'm speaking of the minority,
but it happens;
and we don't realize how amusing the whole situation is,
until we hit that 'thought-topic'
human beings are complicated creatures.

then again, life's complicated too.
perhaps we were made that way to compliment life,
and all its complexities and twisted truths.
contradictions never really refute each other;
there are still differences in similarity.
life's one great big mystery.
it always has been, it will forever be.
then, why are we still trying to figure THIS all out?
might as well do somthing more constructive;
..right?
rational thinkers would agree;
but there are those hopelessly lost,
in wonder of the mystery of life.
and so, we continue to search for answers;
perhaps, just maybe, we would find them one day.

maybe, just maybe.

Jimmy eat world.work.
If you only once would let me
Only just one time
Then be happy with the consequence
With whatever's gonna happen tonight
Don't think we're not serious
When's it ever not
The love we make is give and it's take
I'm game to play along

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time

All the best DJs are saving
The slowest song for last
When the dance is through
Its me and you
Come on would it really be so bad
The things we think might be the same
But I won't fight for more
Its just not me to wear it on my sleeve
Count on that for sure

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
Wanna take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
Yeah - We still have time

Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you
Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
Wanna take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
We still have time

Tell The World.Hillsongs United.
Don't want to stand here and shout Your praise
And walk away and forget Your Name
I'll stand for you if it's all I do
Cause there is none that compare to You

Cause all I want in this lifetime is You
And all i want in this whole world is you

Tell the world that Jesus lives
Tell the world that, tell the world that
Tell the world that he died for them
Tell the world that he lives again

No longer I but Christ in me
Cause it's the truth that set me free
How could this world be a better place?
But by thy mercy and by thy grace

C'mon, c'mon we'll tell the world about You
C'mon, c'mon we'll tell the world about You

Tell the world that Jesus lives
Tell the world that, tell the world that
Tell the world that he died for them
Tell the world that he lives again

C'mon, c'mon we'll tell the world about You
Tell the world that
Tell the world that
C'mon, c'mon we'll tell the world about You
Tell the world that
Tell the world that
About You

Some things aren't as plain as they seem.
simplicity?a facade, rather.
nothing could be any less than complex;
in the world we live in,
simplicity is always sought.
it is rarely found.
impossible, though?
much remains to be seen.

Some times, we see the things we wish.
Comfort?a front, rather.
comfort rarely lasts;
in the world we live in,
wishes rarely come true.
impossible, though?
much remains to be seen.

conscious, unconscious;
we wish all the same.
are not humans, then, stupid?
for allowing themselves disappointment and guilt,
when they fall short of their expectations?
why do expectations even exist?
to apply the necessary pressure on an individual, perhaps?
..or possibly to ruin him.

expecations and wishes;
hopes, all the same.
why do we place hope on human existance,
when it has proven to disappoint?
what IS disappointment?
an sense of regret when something is not achieved?
..or possibly sadness.

disappointment, sadness;
human emotion, all the same.
why do we feel,
when we know it will hurt to do so?
what is it to FEEL?
a physical touch or stimulus?
..or possbly something intangiable.

WHY;
we keep asking why.
why, in that case, do we keep asking the same question that we know we are never going to get an answer to?
are we stupid,
or merely deluded?

why strive for simplicity,
when our world was too complex to begin with?

Fallen.Sarah McLachlan.
Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

I need to know if i want to let go.
i NEED to let go.
i need to accept.

wallowing in self pity.
condemned by self.
tormented by conscince.
repititions of what had happened.
fears of what may come to pass.
i can't control a thing..
i can't control a thing..