It's happening.
too quickly.

THE FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL HAS JUST ENDED.
AND..
we've got homework already.
WONDERFUL way to spend the first weekend of 2006.
sigh, but i think even if we weren't given any homework,
we'd still have to start our Olevel prep anyway.
revsion has GOT TO START.
no way, am i going to wait till the MYEs arrive.
then again, come to think of it,
they MYEs aren't too far away.

WHAT AM I THINKING.
it's only the 6th of jaunary.
MYEs are in MAY.
then again, time flies past way too quickly.
maybe next time i look back,
the MYEs might be OVER.
goodness, how i hate time.
the way it passes;
the way it can never come back, after it's gone.
i ahte it.
but there are some things we can't change,
and i guess that's something i'll have to accept.

time's speeding up again.
the lessons are in full swing,
homework's piling up.
so is revision.
mschee is getting crazier and crzaier with her time limits for sum-doing,
and everyone's barely understanding.
time to get going, i guess.
i can't stay here forever.

The only constant in life is change.
i just wish it weren't so.
"How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?"
"Blessed be your name, on the road marked with suffering"

It's gonna be ONE LONG YEAR..

And just like THAT,
the school year starts.
it was such a weird feeling,
going back to school;
seeing familiar faces and places again.
doing the things i used to do.
it felt as if i never had a holiday.
the stress is STARTING to build,
expectations have been set,
and things have started turning.
what a scary thought it is;
to think that i could've forgotten the holidays to fast.

UP go those bras

"the harder you try,
the more you won't make it.
wehn it comes to people,
they like to do the opposite of what you want them to do".
or something along those lines.
WELL, no wonder things didn't work out with a certain...
group. the HOTfamily...
'i tried so hard and got so far,
but in the end, it doesn't even matter.
i had to fall, to lose it all.
but in the end, it doesn't even matter...'
perhaps, things will be different.
perhaps, with God's grace,
things will turn out FINE this time.
"If it's His will,
he will not only burden YOUR heart.
but he'll burden ALL our hearts".
i guess.
nothing happens by coincidence.
and so, i wait.

It's such a wonderful thing to be sick at home;
staring out at the rain,
and wondering if there was more to life.

No more time to waste;
the planning starts now.
to take things one step at a time?
not this year.
"not slow and steady,
but fast and accurate".
well, that's something we've got NO CHOICE,
but to learn this year.

Fast and accurate.
fast and accurate...

BLESSED BE YOUR NAME
Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Oh, There's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to stay
Lord, Blessed be your name

AHHH.
the new year's finally here.
i didn't want it to come.
i still don't.
but it's here anyway.
2006 -- sec 4, Os, LOTS AND LOTS OF STRESS.
sounds PROMISING.
oh well, better to be positive about it i guess.
LET THE GAMES BEGIN.

the last few days of 2005 were WONDEFUL.(:
(minus the falling sick part)
the WEIRD leadership camp in sentosa--
the flying chicken during our MULTI-LEVEL(LAYER) CAPTAIN'S BALL.
or.."amaeypadeypadeyjiggerebah!"
OKAY!..ALRIGHT!..hahaha.
the sec 1 ORIENTATION--
"SHERMAINE IN YELLOW/WHITE!" -_-
*clapclapclap* YAYYYY! -_-
or.."AHHHH!MINE'S ONLY 11 MB!!"hahaha

and of course..
THE LAST OUTING WITH THE COMM (or half of it)
tiff, jake, rach, dlam, jane and john.
i practically ran home from school then rushed out again after a HURRIED lunch.
barely made it into the train when i saw..
JOHN!
xia4si3ren2 indeed.
then we met the rest at palawan beach itself,
seeing jane in her bikini and all.
(HORRIBLE IMAGES!!)
and tiff joined in later too(:
alot of dunking followed..
and an AMUSING conversation about..
GENTLEMANLY SUPPORT. (or lack of in that poor lady's case)
then we ended the day with jumping off the jetty at siloso beach.
(: unforgettable fun.

2006 is here.
2005 is gone.
i can start anew.
i can choose to forget.
"see it as something you've passed,
then when the time is right;
look back and see how far you've come."
thanks jane.
thanks everyone;
for making my 2005 memorable.
if God wills it,
please stay in my 2006(:

God bless this new year.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Jingle bells, batman smells;
robin laid an EGG!
bat mobile lost its wheels,
and joker got AWAY!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO..
OHSOCRAZYBUTCUTE NII-CHAN!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

i'm keeping the memories forever.
Christmas is but 2 days away...
i hope the notes mean something to all of you.

The 20th came and went.
I LOVED IT.
the girls looked awesome(:
the guys were sweet; flowers and all.
i guess it was a little tense at first,
but AFTER the murder mystery,
things got ALOT better.
what with poker, bridge and MAHJONG.
[i still have itchy fingers]
took photos.
i LOVE them ALL.
pieces of all of us.
memories to keep.
to reminisce when needed.

that was the last of the 'meetings'.
school is starting in 10 days.
i'm scared.
but above all,
i don't want THIS to end.

i'll miss the comm...

Who I am hates who I've been. Relient K
I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the pacific
And you might think I'm losing my mind
But I will shy away from the specifics
Cause I don't want you to know where I am
Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been
And this is no place to try and live my life

Stop right there
That's exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should've crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should've said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

I talked to absolutely no one
Couldn't keep to myself enough
And the things bottled inside had finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'd soon blow up

And I heard the reverberating footsteps
Syncing up to the beating of my heart
And I was positive that unless I got myself together
I would watch me fall apart

And I can't let that happen again
Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been
And this is no place to try and live my life

Stop right there
That's exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should've crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should've said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me
Who I am hates who I've been
Cause who I've been only ever made me

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

we can't be sure of a lot of things.
and i guess that's what makes life..
LIFE.
we don't dare expect too much,
for fear of disappointment.
but the funny thing is,
we expect the unexpected ANYWAY.
which sounds ridiculous,
but is actually happening.
the stupid things we do as humans.

ahh, 2005 is coming to a close.
i'm happy 2005 happened.
it's the best year i've had yet,
even in spite of all the rocky bits.
i've learnt so many things this year.
i've had countles revelations about things that mattered.
and after all that,
i'm becoming happier.
because now, i know who i am.
and i guess i don't need any one to show me that.
i can't measure myself worth.
i WON'T.
take it or leave it,
i won't care any more.
the attention, the conversations?
I'VE HAD IT WITH INITIATING.
do it yourself, or leave everything behind.
i couldn't care less any more.

it's easy to say, i guess.
defintely another issue to actually do it.
till i get over this,
i know i have people who love and accept me wholly.
and frankly, that's all that matters.

WAHOO!
[aahhh, a nice change for this blog, eh?]
MY HOMEWORK IS STARING AT ME EVILY.
IT WANTS TO EAT ME UP!
AAIIYYYEEE!!!
*runs around screaming*
*maid and sis stare weirdly*
*retreats back to room*
MY REVISION IS STARING AT ME WORRYINGLY!
IT WANTS TO KILL ME!!
AAAIIIIYYEEEEEE!!!!
*runs arounds screaming*
*maid and sis scream for 'peace and quiet'*
*glares at the two STRANGERS*
*retreats back to room*
MY BOOKS ARE GLARING AT ME ANGRILY!!!
THEY WANT TO KILL, CRUSH THEN EAT ME!!!!
AAAAAAAAIIIIIYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEE!!!!
SOMEONE SAVE ME!!!
*runs around screaming*
*maid and sis sigh in exasperation*
*points and LAUGHS*
*screams a 'wahoo!'*
*retreats back to room satisfied*

hey JAZZY, ZILING, RACHEL AND THE REST OF THE HOTFAMILY!!!
..i'm BAAACKKK!!
wahooo!!(: (:
i dare you people!
MAKE ME LAUGH!!(: (:
jaz, zi and rach: i'm hungry.and EVERYONE'S HORNY!

WAHOO!!

I guess i went to far.
then again, how is one to tell?
repurcussions, repurcussions.

some things we look forward to,
some things we dread.
do we, then, remain numb in between?

next year's coming too soon.

SYC breaks camp today.
it was..FUN.
and i agree.
camps are more enjoyable for the helpers,
not the committee.

Day 1: Amazing race.
rachh, tiff, jane and i were supposed to walk round east point wearing a specific pair of ear rings, while the groups looked for the respective ear rings we wore.after that station, we made our way down to the airport for an inpromptu station.the groups were told to find the link between 2 terminals.as we expected, the groups came to tiff and i at the sky train.after making them do various..activities..we told them that they were at the wrong station, telling them to find rachh and jane instead.after that, tiff and i met john and adriel, making our way to a VERY ULU-ATED coffeee bean to satisfy tiff's coffee craving.HAHA.funny stuff happened at coffee bean, and now i have a "white wall" for an ass.oohhhkaayy..

Day 2: Station games.
met jane earlier that morning to have a GOOD LONG CHAT.then, went with her to idp to check out her australian unis; MKAING US VERY LATE FOR THE ACTUAL GAMES.ohh well, john/jake/rachh/huiting seemed to be ok without me anyway.haha.our station involved getting lost in distractions [loud music, math questions, memory games, etc], while TRYING to memorize a LONG verse.HAHA.after the games, we bummed at jane's house playing bridge, daidi and heart attack originally.then jane brought out her mahjong and rachh, jane, jake, john and i ended up playing 8 rounds of mahjonh.WITH JAKE WINNING 5 ROUNDS.ohh well.then we went for a nice prata dinner..wahoo!

Day 3: Beach games
ariived at the east coast with jane and rachh at 7.45.we were given a final briefing and assigned to the various stations, before moving to our respective stations.rachh and i were in charge of the 'crawling muah chee' station, which involved the campers doing the hokey pokey [right hand, right leg, whole body] in the sea, before crawling through sand to find water bomb bags hidden in the water.HAHA.the last 2 groups that came to us very nicely dunked all of us into the sea.then, being wet and disgusting, we diceded to chase the guys around to get them wet too.EEHEE.in the end, all of us ended up swimming in the sea [1, 2, 3, 4, PUI PUI!], before our water bomb fight.[ASSEMBLY LINE!]haha, then we made our way back to church before going to the hiew residence to play bridge/daidi/mahjong/taboo, and laugh ourselves to death.after watching a few ridiculously funny clips, we went down to church for COP and dinner.

i had fun.
ALOT of fun.

AND NOW, for work.
ARRGHHH.

i'm sorry.
i could say it a thousand times over,
but i know i'll never be able to make up for what i did.
or what i DO.

i'm sorry.
i'm a miserable excuse for a human being.
someone ought to shoot me and rid this world of THIS irritance.
i AM the irritance.

i'm sorry.
i'm a mistake.
i don't deserve to be living.
others are more deserving.

i'm sorry.
i give so many excuses,
dealing them out one after another.
too many excuses.

i'm sorry.
i backstab, i lie.
i ought to die.
PLEASE, PLEASE kill me.

...i'm sorry for being me.
not that the world can forgive.

Parents.
two people i'll never be able to understand.
them and all their weird antics.
perhaps, IF/when i become a parent myself..
but DEFINITELY not now.

Life.
becoming monotonous again.
work, stone, sleep.
haha.but it better start now;
better than NEVER.
and besides, it's gonna be like that next year.
so, i can't complain, can i?

Friends.
funny people.
some of them mean it when they say that they'll "be there for you"
but, some of them don't.
thank God i met more of the former.
and i guess all of them,
are God's blessings to me.
i learn new things everyday;
and more often than not,
i learn from THEM.

this year's gonne be different.
i FEEL it.

Aahh.new week.
rachh's coming back tomorrow,
the hiews will be back on thursday.
adriel's leaving today for m'sia.
dlam's leaving for m'sia on thursday.
dng's in australia.
today, the number of US left in singapore stands at 3.
4, including jane.
lowest we've had yet, i think.
ohh well.
we'll all be re-united soon!
soon enough at least..

Went out for lunch with jane and john yesterday.
couldn't finish the carl's jr burger + fries + drink.
i'm gonna put on weight this holidays.
BUT, i wouldn't seem to care less.
hmmm.don't know why.
went to watch twist of fate too.
'AH SEE!'
haha.was quite funny at some parts.
but not the sort you would continue laughing over.
i guess it wasn't as 'wow' as it thought it would be.
ohh well.
it's been such a long time since i've done blogging like this.
haha.a good, or bad thing?
i wonder.

Change is good, i guess.

Now, TIME TO START WORK.
180 degree change indeed.
better NOW than LATER i guess.

I cannot think.
i must NOT think.

It's drizzling now.
the breeze is pleasant;
trees swaying and wind chimes souding in the distance.
everything's quiet.
i like decembers.
the world slows down,
the weather cools off.
and everything sees closure.
maybe this year,
more so than others.

SO MUCH WORK TO DO!
REVISION, HOMEWORK, ADVANCED STUDYING.
i say we'll all go insane,
if we did nothing else.
some are already on their way there.
next year; O level year.
and we're supposed to be ohsostressedandworried.
i some how don't seem to see that.
it's as if EVERYONE decided to take a break,
after a busy/tiring sec 3 year.
everyone can't bear to start work;
let alone revision or advanced studying.
but i guess, it's for the best.
we all need to learn the meaning of fun,
once in a while.
and as they say..
"better late than never".

God blessed me this holiday.
with JYC.
with the JYC committee.
i never knew i needed JYC so badly.
but now, i do.
and i really thank God that he has everything planned.
everything happens for a reason;
and THAT is highly comforting.
we're so relient on Him,
and some of us don't even know it.

Christmas shopping to do!
the LOVELY pub comm,
DNG, tiff, john, josh, jake, sam, adriel.
the 20th. 7pm.
i.can't.wait!
i hope we stay this way
PUB COMM + DNG!
studying for Os, shopping for prom and WHATNOT!
we'll do them , together(:

happiness isn't overrated.
i was just deluded (:

It's december already.
Christmas is 24 days away.
perhpas, it won't be so bad thing year.
maybe, miracles DO happen.
i'll just wait TO see.
time passed so quickly this year.
2005 is almost gone.
so many events, so many changes.
and i never expected it to be so..
unexpected.
i guess our seniors were right.
time did pass quickly in sec 3;
even till this moment,
time is flying away.

it's fascinating how complex life can be.
one minute you're laughing,
the next, you may be crying.
i don't get it some times;
how VOLATILE moods are.
and it's strange how these moods affect the decisions we make.
this year, alone,
i made a few..disturbing..decisions.
but, they've been made nonetheless.
and now, i face repurcussions of what i've done.
i can't erase my past;
because that's who i am.
everything i've done,
everything i've believed in up till this point,
contibutes to 'me'.
and there is no way i can change that.
so, why bother trying to?
"Don't seek acceptance FROM people,
seek PEOPLE who accept YOU."
hah.life COULD BE as simple as that.
some where, some how,
people were made to accept each and every one of us.
God made it so.
He promised us that we would never be alone;
and God never lies.
i'm ashamed to call myself a christian.
i never believed Him.

it's ironic that i discover most about life,
from non-christians.
it's as if they bring new ideas and concepts,
to the ones i already have in my head.
and they SHOW me what life COULD be,
without God, without a faith to cling onto.
they bring new points of view;
they bring diversity.
but through it all,
i see that i could NEVER live without Him.

it's funny how we couls spend our lives searching for perfection,
when perfection never really existed.
some waste their life away,
looking for the meaning of life,
when there IS no definite meaning.
and yet, through all our STUPID attempts ot be something better,
He would always be there.
probably sighing in frustration,
but there nonetheless.
all of us are kids, really.
we always want to be THE BEST.
the SMARTEST.
the FASTEST.
no one wants to be left behind, or forgotten.
we all want to belong.
and some times, some where along the way,
we forget who we truly belong to,
and what we truly NEED.
and, ironically, in that way,
we're never truly the BEST.
maybe some times,
it's better to get what you need,
rather than what you want>.

life COULD be confusing,
life COULD be depressing,
but it's a matter of choice.
at the end of the day,
life is as we see it.
and our perception changes everything.

We spend our lives trying to fit in.
but, do we EVER?
it's comical to think that some of us still bother to try,
after failing so many times.
so many people, so many events.
different crowds, different occasions.
YET, we never stop trying to fit in.
some people make it seem SO EASY.
they breeze through life,
as if company didn't make a difference.
then, there are those who never stop;
grovelling for attention and acknowledgement.
HAHA.
i think humans are funny creatures.
we're funny in our diversity;
we're funny in our differences.
so many things we could do,
and yet, we don't do them.
we choose something else.
and end up miserable.
HAHA.
i think life's a funny thing.

the window is open.
midnight sky, cool breeze.
everything's quiet.
i see lights in the distance,
trees swaying in the breeze.
i hear wind chimes
and the quiet trickling of water in the distance.
and i know that this is perfection.
then, i start to think.
of the times i've seen such perfection,
of the things i did at this time of the day.
i remember and everything comes rushing back to me.
every emotion; every situation; every person.
2/m chalet 2004.
we were bowling.
we were angry.
we went back, cried,
and decided to take a stroll.
a whole group of us.
ahh yes, the HOTfamily at its best.
walking along the beach,
feeling the wind against our bodies,
and the warmth from within.
there was a comfortable silence too.
if only i had a picture of the smiles.
August 2005.
a piece of seemingly bad news.
staircase landing.
muddled thoughts.
lacked courage.
bleeding.
HAHA.
how funny it seems.
insecurity.
incompetence.

i laugh at my own progression.
i hate to be up at night;
when the air's cool,
and everything's perfect.
i hate to be reminded of the past.
i hate to reminisce about how things WERE.
and yet, i still do these things.
HAHAHA.

now, he's gone.
someone please shoot me.

Christmas is drawing near.
26 days away, to be precise.
everyone seems excited bout it.
festive season, christmas spirit.
i don't get what these mean.
really.
christmas is about celebrating Christ's birth.
yes, and we do.
the gifts and GIVING them make it memorable.
but, isn't that all there is to christmas?
what's it that makes christmas so special?
why does everyone anticipate it?
i don't get it.
the splendor of christmas morning perhaps?
or the innocence and happiness when opening gifts?
i don't see it.
i don't get what makes christmas so special.
call me a sceptic,
or humbug..
i still won't be able to see.

i believed i have loved christmas before.
perhaps, as a child,
when everything was about the gifts and laughter.
how WOULD growing up change anything?
..i thought that i'd love christmas forever.
and today, i find myself saying that i hate it.
oh goodness, i'm turning into the Grinch.
maybe it's because of the past 2 years,
and the little significance each christmas holds for me.
i can't look back on the past 2 christmases,
and sigh in contentment of all the happiness i had experienced.
nope, not possible.
i thought that christmases were meant to be more splendid as the years passed,
but i guess not.
i guess resentment just got worse each year.
family in, family out.
some times, i feel as if i need a break.
but, my folks will never get that, will they?
it's always
"mind your uncles"
or
"take care of your grandparents"
or
"be careful of what you say"

i don't get the meaning of christmas.
it's devoid of family cheer.
each agthering is a torture.
and the rest of the day is spent in total boredom and reflection.
i wonder if my parents enjoy christmas;
they never seem to be happy about anything any more.

if everything boils down to duty and commitment,
what else would there be left to live for?
i can't imagine that day i forget what 'fun' feels like.
but, i guess that is what GROWING up does to you,
doesn't it?
it's depressing to see such things everyday.
no wonder people never want to grow up.

Some things i see,
some things i don't.
some things i was meant to see,
some things i wasn't.
but at the end of the day,
i'll judge what i see.
and based on that judgement,
i'll form my beliefs.

it's FUNNY how fast my moods change.
and how my 'beliefs' sway with my moods.
i hate the person i am now,
i hate the uncertainty i have toward certain things.
i hate the fact that i can't stand firm in what i believe in, at certain times.
but i guess, this IS all part of adolescence.
we discover who we are,
and we dicide what we believe in.
it's funny how a few years can change so much,
but that's how life is.
FUNNY.

and so, i laugh.
i ALWAYS laugh.
..don't i?
whether or not i man it, on the other hand,
is a different issue.

rachh's in L.A.
josh and jake are leaving for New Zealand.
deb's going to Australia.

a break for 'comm meetings' perhaps?
i hope not.
if there's one thing i want more than anything else,
it'll be that the comm stay close;
as close we can be anyway.
and that friendships will strengthen.
perhaps, THIS is my Christmas wish.
i just hope that i've been a good enough girl this year..

if you're reading this,
and i believe you are,
i'm sorry.
for your sake,
maybe it really is time for us to part ways.
you've got things to do,
a faith to believe in,
and i wont stand in your way.
i promise i wont mess it up.
yes, our lives are so different,
and i think we both need some time apart.
i've got thinking to be done,
re-papers to be faced,
and its probably best i do it alone.
you once said maybe you were too reliant on me.
i'm thinking, was i too reliant on you?
and i dont know.
i guess its also time for me to face this world on my own.
we promised never to say goodbye.
and i hope, maybe one day,
we can talk this over.
again.

i'm sorry.

love,
desmond.

babe, this is proof that i have read it.
you KNOW..i don't have to say it.
but perhaps, this is the best.
for now.
i'd like to talk it over, one day.
and till then, you don't have to be sorry for anything.
i should be sorry.

i'll still be loving you the way i did..
shermaine