Merry Christmas, everyone.

Jingle bells, batman smells;
robin laid an EGG!
bat mobile lost its wheels,
and joker got AWAY!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO..
OHSOCRAZYBUTCUTE NII-CHAN!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

i'm keeping the memories forever.
Christmas is but 2 days away...
i hope the notes mean something to all of you.

The 20th came and went.
I LOVED IT.
the girls looked awesome(:
the guys were sweet; flowers and all.
i guess it was a little tense at first,
but AFTER the murder mystery,
things got ALOT better.
what with poker, bridge and MAHJONG.
[i still have itchy fingers]
took photos.
i LOVE them ALL.
pieces of all of us.
memories to keep.
to reminisce when needed.

that was the last of the 'meetings'.
school is starting in 10 days.
i'm scared.
but above all,
i don't want THIS to end.

i'll miss the comm...

Who I am hates who I've been. Relient K
I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the pacific
And you might think I'm losing my mind
But I will shy away from the specifics
Cause I don't want you to know where I am
Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been
And this is no place to try and live my life

Stop right there
That's exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should've crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should've said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

I talked to absolutely no one
Couldn't keep to myself enough
And the things bottled inside had finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'd soon blow up

And I heard the reverberating footsteps
Syncing up to the beating of my heart
And I was positive that unless I got myself together
I would watch me fall apart

And I can't let that happen again
Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been
And this is no place to try and live my life

Stop right there
That's exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should've crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should've said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me
Who I am hates who I've been
Cause who I've been only ever made me

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

we can't be sure of a lot of things.
and i guess that's what makes life..
LIFE.
we don't dare expect too much,
for fear of disappointment.
but the funny thing is,
we expect the unexpected ANYWAY.
which sounds ridiculous,
but is actually happening.
the stupid things we do as humans.

ahh, 2005 is coming to a close.
i'm happy 2005 happened.
it's the best year i've had yet,
even in spite of all the rocky bits.
i've learnt so many things this year.
i've had countles revelations about things that mattered.
and after all that,
i'm becoming happier.
because now, i know who i am.
and i guess i don't need any one to show me that.
i can't measure myself worth.
i WON'T.
take it or leave it,
i won't care any more.
the attention, the conversations?
I'VE HAD IT WITH INITIATING.
do it yourself, or leave everything behind.
i couldn't care less any more.

it's easy to say, i guess.
defintely another issue to actually do it.
till i get over this,
i know i have people who love and accept me wholly.
and frankly, that's all that matters.

WAHOO!
[aahhh, a nice change for this blog, eh?]
MY HOMEWORK IS STARING AT ME EVILY.
IT WANTS TO EAT ME UP!
AAIIYYYEEE!!!
*runs around screaming*
*maid and sis stare weirdly*
*retreats back to room*
MY REVISION IS STARING AT ME WORRYINGLY!
IT WANTS TO KILL ME!!
AAAIIIIYYEEEEEE!!!!
*runs arounds screaming*
*maid and sis scream for 'peace and quiet'*
*glares at the two STRANGERS*
*retreats back to room*
MY BOOKS ARE GLARING AT ME ANGRILY!!!
THEY WANT TO KILL, CRUSH THEN EAT ME!!!!
AAAAAAAAIIIIIYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEE!!!!
SOMEONE SAVE ME!!!
*runs around screaming*
*maid and sis sigh in exasperation*
*points and LAUGHS*
*screams a 'wahoo!'*
*retreats back to room satisfied*

hey JAZZY, ZILING, RACHEL AND THE REST OF THE HOTFAMILY!!!
..i'm BAAACKKK!!
wahooo!!(: (:
i dare you people!
MAKE ME LAUGH!!(: (:
jaz, zi and rach: i'm hungry.and EVERYONE'S HORNY!

WAHOO!!

I guess i went to far.
then again, how is one to tell?
repurcussions, repurcussions.

some things we look forward to,
some things we dread.
do we, then, remain numb in between?

next year's coming too soon.

SYC breaks camp today.
it was..FUN.
and i agree.
camps are more enjoyable for the helpers,
not the committee.

Day 1: Amazing race.
rachh, tiff, jane and i were supposed to walk round east point wearing a specific pair of ear rings, while the groups looked for the respective ear rings we wore.after that station, we made our way down to the airport for an inpromptu station.the groups were told to find the link between 2 terminals.as we expected, the groups came to tiff and i at the sky train.after making them do various..activities..we told them that they were at the wrong station, telling them to find rachh and jane instead.after that, tiff and i met john and adriel, making our way to a VERY ULU-ATED coffeee bean to satisfy tiff's coffee craving.HAHA.funny stuff happened at coffee bean, and now i have a "white wall" for an ass.oohhhkaayy..

Day 2: Station games.
met jane earlier that morning to have a GOOD LONG CHAT.then, went with her to idp to check out her australian unis; MKAING US VERY LATE FOR THE ACTUAL GAMES.ohh well, john/jake/rachh/huiting seemed to be ok without me anyway.haha.our station involved getting lost in distractions [loud music, math questions, memory games, etc], while TRYING to memorize a LONG verse.HAHA.after the games, we bummed at jane's house playing bridge, daidi and heart attack originally.then jane brought out her mahjong and rachh, jane, jake, john and i ended up playing 8 rounds of mahjonh.WITH JAKE WINNING 5 ROUNDS.ohh well.then we went for a nice prata dinner..wahoo!

Day 3: Beach games
ariived at the east coast with jane and rachh at 7.45.we were given a final briefing and assigned to the various stations, before moving to our respective stations.rachh and i were in charge of the 'crawling muah chee' station, which involved the campers doing the hokey pokey [right hand, right leg, whole body] in the sea, before crawling through sand to find water bomb bags hidden in the water.HAHA.the last 2 groups that came to us very nicely dunked all of us into the sea.then, being wet and disgusting, we diceded to chase the guys around to get them wet too.EEHEE.in the end, all of us ended up swimming in the sea [1, 2, 3, 4, PUI PUI!], before our water bomb fight.[ASSEMBLY LINE!]haha, then we made our way back to church before going to the hiew residence to play bridge/daidi/mahjong/taboo, and laugh ourselves to death.after watching a few ridiculously funny clips, we went down to church for COP and dinner.

i had fun.
ALOT of fun.

AND NOW, for work.
ARRGHHH.

i'm sorry.
i could say it a thousand times over,
but i know i'll never be able to make up for what i did.
or what i DO.

i'm sorry.
i'm a miserable excuse for a human being.
someone ought to shoot me and rid this world of THIS irritance.
i AM the irritance.

i'm sorry.
i'm a mistake.
i don't deserve to be living.
others are more deserving.

i'm sorry.
i give so many excuses,
dealing them out one after another.
too many excuses.

i'm sorry.
i backstab, i lie.
i ought to die.
PLEASE, PLEASE kill me.

...i'm sorry for being me.
not that the world can forgive.

Parents.
two people i'll never be able to understand.
them and all their weird antics.
perhaps, IF/when i become a parent myself..
but DEFINITELY not now.

Life.
becoming monotonous again.
work, stone, sleep.
haha.but it better start now;
better than NEVER.
and besides, it's gonna be like that next year.
so, i can't complain, can i?

Friends.
funny people.
some of them mean it when they say that they'll "be there for you"
but, some of them don't.
thank God i met more of the former.
and i guess all of them,
are God's blessings to me.
i learn new things everyday;
and more often than not,
i learn from THEM.

this year's gonne be different.
i FEEL it.

Aahh.new week.
rachh's coming back tomorrow,
the hiews will be back on thursday.
adriel's leaving today for m'sia.
dlam's leaving for m'sia on thursday.
dng's in australia.
today, the number of US left in singapore stands at 3.
4, including jane.
lowest we've had yet, i think.
ohh well.
we'll all be re-united soon!
soon enough at least..

Went out for lunch with jane and john yesterday.
couldn't finish the carl's jr burger + fries + drink.
i'm gonna put on weight this holidays.
BUT, i wouldn't seem to care less.
hmmm.don't know why.
went to watch twist of fate too.
'AH SEE!'
haha.was quite funny at some parts.
but not the sort you would continue laughing over.
i guess it wasn't as 'wow' as it thought it would be.
ohh well.
it's been such a long time since i've done blogging like this.
haha.a good, or bad thing?
i wonder.

Change is good, i guess.

Now, TIME TO START WORK.
180 degree change indeed.
better NOW than LATER i guess.

I cannot think.
i must NOT think.

It's drizzling now.
the breeze is pleasant;
trees swaying and wind chimes souding in the distance.
everything's quiet.
i like decembers.
the world slows down,
the weather cools off.
and everything sees closure.
maybe this year,
more so than others.

SO MUCH WORK TO DO!
REVISION, HOMEWORK, ADVANCED STUDYING.
i say we'll all go insane,
if we did nothing else.
some are already on their way there.
next year; O level year.
and we're supposed to be ohsostressedandworried.
i some how don't seem to see that.
it's as if EVERYONE decided to take a break,
after a busy/tiring sec 3 year.
everyone can't bear to start work;
let alone revision or advanced studying.
but i guess, it's for the best.
we all need to learn the meaning of fun,
once in a while.
and as they say..
"better late than never".

God blessed me this holiday.
with JYC.
with the JYC committee.
i never knew i needed JYC so badly.
but now, i do.
and i really thank God that he has everything planned.
everything happens for a reason;
and THAT is highly comforting.
we're so relient on Him,
and some of us don't even know it.

Christmas shopping to do!
the LOVELY pub comm,
DNG, tiff, john, josh, jake, sam, adriel.
the 20th. 7pm.
i.can't.wait!
i hope we stay this way
PUB COMM + DNG!
studying for Os, shopping for prom and WHATNOT!
we'll do them , together(:

happiness isn't overrated.
i was just deluded (:

It's december already.
Christmas is 24 days away.
perhpas, it won't be so bad thing year.
maybe, miracles DO happen.
i'll just wait TO see.
time passed so quickly this year.
2005 is almost gone.
so many events, so many changes.
and i never expected it to be so..
unexpected.
i guess our seniors were right.
time did pass quickly in sec 3;
even till this moment,
time is flying away.

it's fascinating how complex life can be.
one minute you're laughing,
the next, you may be crying.
i don't get it some times;
how VOLATILE moods are.
and it's strange how these moods affect the decisions we make.
this year, alone,
i made a few..disturbing..decisions.
but, they've been made nonetheless.
and now, i face repurcussions of what i've done.
i can't erase my past;
because that's who i am.
everything i've done,
everything i've believed in up till this point,
contibutes to 'me'.
and there is no way i can change that.
so, why bother trying to?
"Don't seek acceptance FROM people,
seek PEOPLE who accept YOU."
hah.life COULD BE as simple as that.
some where, some how,
people were made to accept each and every one of us.
God made it so.
He promised us that we would never be alone;
and God never lies.
i'm ashamed to call myself a christian.
i never believed Him.

it's ironic that i discover most about life,
from non-christians.
it's as if they bring new ideas and concepts,
to the ones i already have in my head.
and they SHOW me what life COULD be,
without God, without a faith to cling onto.
they bring new points of view;
they bring diversity.
but through it all,
i see that i could NEVER live without Him.

it's funny how we couls spend our lives searching for perfection,
when perfection never really existed.
some waste their life away,
looking for the meaning of life,
when there IS no definite meaning.
and yet, through all our STUPID attempts ot be something better,
He would always be there.
probably sighing in frustration,
but there nonetheless.
all of us are kids, really.
we always want to be THE BEST.
the SMARTEST.
the FASTEST.
no one wants to be left behind, or forgotten.
we all want to belong.
and some times, some where along the way,
we forget who we truly belong to,
and what we truly NEED.
and, ironically, in that way,
we're never truly the BEST.
maybe some times,
it's better to get what you need,
rather than what you want>.

life COULD be confusing,
life COULD be depressing,
but it's a matter of choice.
at the end of the day,
life is as we see it.
and our perception changes everything.

We spend our lives trying to fit in.
but, do we EVER?
it's comical to think that some of us still bother to try,
after failing so many times.
so many people, so many events.
different crowds, different occasions.
YET, we never stop trying to fit in.
some people make it seem SO EASY.
they breeze through life,
as if company didn't make a difference.
then, there are those who never stop;
grovelling for attention and acknowledgement.
HAHA.
i think humans are funny creatures.
we're funny in our diversity;
we're funny in our differences.
so many things we could do,
and yet, we don't do them.
we choose something else.
and end up miserable.
HAHA.
i think life's a funny thing.

the window is open.
midnight sky, cool breeze.
everything's quiet.
i see lights in the distance,
trees swaying in the breeze.
i hear wind chimes
and the quiet trickling of water in the distance.
and i know that this is perfection.
then, i start to think.
of the times i've seen such perfection,
of the things i did at this time of the day.
i remember and everything comes rushing back to me.
every emotion; every situation; every person.
2/m chalet 2004.
we were bowling.
we were angry.
we went back, cried,
and decided to take a stroll.
a whole group of us.
ahh yes, the HOTfamily at its best.
walking along the beach,
feeling the wind against our bodies,
and the warmth from within.
there was a comfortable silence too.
if only i had a picture of the smiles.
August 2005.
a piece of seemingly bad news.
staircase landing.
muddled thoughts.
lacked courage.
bleeding.
HAHA.
how funny it seems.
insecurity.
incompetence.

i laugh at my own progression.
i hate to be up at night;
when the air's cool,
and everything's perfect.
i hate to be reminded of the past.
i hate to reminisce about how things WERE.
and yet, i still do these things.
HAHAHA.

now, he's gone.
someone please shoot me.

Christmas is drawing near.
26 days away, to be precise.
everyone seems excited bout it.
festive season, christmas spirit.
i don't get what these mean.
really.
christmas is about celebrating Christ's birth.
yes, and we do.
the gifts and GIVING them make it memorable.
but, isn't that all there is to christmas?
what's it that makes christmas so special?
why does everyone anticipate it?
i don't get it.
the splendor of christmas morning perhaps?
or the innocence and happiness when opening gifts?
i don't see it.
i don't get what makes christmas so special.
call me a sceptic,
or humbug..
i still won't be able to see.

i believed i have loved christmas before.
perhaps, as a child,
when everything was about the gifts and laughter.
how WOULD growing up change anything?
..i thought that i'd love christmas forever.
and today, i find myself saying that i hate it.
oh goodness, i'm turning into the Grinch.
maybe it's because of the past 2 years,
and the little significance each christmas holds for me.
i can't look back on the past 2 christmases,
and sigh in contentment of all the happiness i had experienced.
nope, not possible.
i thought that christmases were meant to be more splendid as the years passed,
but i guess not.
i guess resentment just got worse each year.
family in, family out.
some times, i feel as if i need a break.
but, my folks will never get that, will they?
it's always
"mind your uncles"
or
"take care of your grandparents"
or
"be careful of what you say"

i don't get the meaning of christmas.
it's devoid of family cheer.
each agthering is a torture.
and the rest of the day is spent in total boredom and reflection.
i wonder if my parents enjoy christmas;
they never seem to be happy about anything any more.

if everything boils down to duty and commitment,
what else would there be left to live for?
i can't imagine that day i forget what 'fun' feels like.
but, i guess that is what GROWING up does to you,
doesn't it?
it's depressing to see such things everyday.
no wonder people never want to grow up.

Some things i see,
some things i don't.
some things i was meant to see,
some things i wasn't.
but at the end of the day,
i'll judge what i see.
and based on that judgement,
i'll form my beliefs.

it's FUNNY how fast my moods change.
and how my 'beliefs' sway with my moods.
i hate the person i am now,
i hate the uncertainty i have toward certain things.
i hate the fact that i can't stand firm in what i believe in, at certain times.
but i guess, this IS all part of adolescence.
we discover who we are,
and we dicide what we believe in.
it's funny how a few years can change so much,
but that's how life is.
FUNNY.

and so, i laugh.
i ALWAYS laugh.
..don't i?
whether or not i man it, on the other hand,
is a different issue.

rachh's in L.A.
josh and jake are leaving for New Zealand.
deb's going to Australia.

a break for 'comm meetings' perhaps?
i hope not.
if there's one thing i want more than anything else,
it'll be that the comm stay close;
as close we can be anyway.
and that friendships will strengthen.
perhaps, THIS is my Christmas wish.
i just hope that i've been a good enough girl this year..

if you're reading this,
and i believe you are,
i'm sorry.
for your sake,
maybe it really is time for us to part ways.
you've got things to do,
a faith to believe in,
and i wont stand in your way.
i promise i wont mess it up.
yes, our lives are so different,
and i think we both need some time apart.
i've got thinking to be done,
re-papers to be faced,
and its probably best i do it alone.
you once said maybe you were too reliant on me.
i'm thinking, was i too reliant on you?
and i dont know.
i guess its also time for me to face this world on my own.
we promised never to say goodbye.
and i hope, maybe one day,
we can talk this over.
again.

i'm sorry.

love,
desmond.

babe, this is proof that i have read it.
you KNOW..i don't have to say it.
but perhaps, this is the best.
for now.
i'd like to talk it over, one day.
and till then, you don't have to be sorry for anything.
i should be sorry.

i'll still be loving you the way i did..
shermaine

Just read through my archives, and realized how different i was in the past.i used RACHAEL LINGO and wasn't embarrassed bout it.i recounted almost EVREYTHING in my life.i was relaxed, i felt secure..perhaps, even confident that i was enough.then some where, some how, all that began to change.the posts started getting more and more depressing.my 'confidence' was lost, and i became paranoid.everything deteriorated till i didn't know who i was, or what i stood for.i became a being, living for the sake of living.i had goals, yes, bu some how, they were all dashed; and i was left with nothing.i was an empty shell, living because i had to.

i don't know what's changed from then.am i still the same person?..or can i seek revival?SHOULD i seek revival?..it's just weird to think about such things after being numb for so long.it's almost as if i was suddenly jolted back to life, finally living and breathign all its colour again.i can see now; life in all its brilliance.and so, i ask myself, "where have i been?what have i been missing out on?".perhaps, i KNEW what life was, only i didn't believe it.i didn't believe that there was so much more to life.but, i see now..and there IS alot more to life.

perhaps, this holiday period was meant as a gift to me.to save me from drowning in my own self-pity.to wake me up from my depression.to finally allow me to see that i AM worth it, that life IS worth it.and perhaps, i'll find myself again.

i feel happiness, all over again.
and i revel in it.

thank God for the wake up call.
cos, without his doing through the jyc comm, i dond't think THIS would be possible.
jyc was enjoyable.the committee was a blessing.
thank god, for all his wonders.

YOU.
i thought you were giving up.
and you are, cos you're admitting that this IS the end.
we're too different.
you're against everything i am,
and i see the value of what i believe in now.
i'm not going to have you belittle them any more.
i'm trying to stand up;
something i sadly couldn't do when we were close.
i know this is selfish, but please..
don't mess this up for me.
don't think that i won't miss you.
cos i will, but this is for the best.

Things change.
i don't know why;
sometimes, i don't even know how.
but they do.
no matter how frustrating,
we accept.

YOU ask why.
i'm sorry i don't have the answer for you.
not now, not yet.
perhaps i have a few reasons.
but you'll probably just tell me all of it is 'bullshit',
then tell me to 'fuck off'.
well then.
i'll save you the hassle.
i'm wlaking off myself.
it's sad that you don't want it back any more.
you're admitting defeat SO FAST.
i can't make the compromises YOU yourself aren't willing to make.
we're too different, babe.
and perhaps, you'll do better off withOUT me.
this might be the end.
perhaps.perhaps..

the things we do and think about for acceptance.

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

i never saw..

Tear my heart open,
i sew myself shut.
my weakness is that i care too much.
and my scars remind me that my past is real;
tear my heart open,
just to feel.

enough.self.pity.

Can't say I was never wrong,
but some blame rests on you.
Work and play they're never okay
..to mix the way we do

i thought i would never say bye to you.
but this time, i have to.
i'll remember the 13th of may 2005 forever.
thank you.

Goodbye to you,
goodbye to everything that i knew.
you were the one that i loved,
the ONE THING that i tried to hold onto

..i really did try.
i guess i was NEVER your priority.
and now, for the final time,
i'm saying goodbye.
..though you would never know.

Jesus Lover of my soul
Jesus i will never let you go
youve taken me from the miry clay
Set my feet upon a rock and now i know

I need you
I love you
Though my world may fall i'll never let you go
My saviour, My closest friend.
I will worship you
Until the very end.

INTERESTING things have happened in the past few days.
haha, i won't even start to recount them.
one thing i do know;
i love the JYC committee 2005,
and i pray and hope that it'll stay THIS way.
ignorantly hopeful,
or realistically pessimistic.
i wonder.
but i PRAY and hope we'll stay this way,
for a good, LONG time.

i don't have to hide who i am.
not excessively, at least.

school activities and commitments are fading away.
i DREAD them now;
i don't know why.
JYC withdrawal, perhaps?
LTC's next week;
i can't compromise performance or discipline.
sigh.the stupid things we do.
i haven't even touched my school work,
analyzed my results,
started revsion,
OR next year's studying yet.
it's funny how one event can change OTHER totally unrelated events.
funny.i find all of this very funny.

who i am, i cannot change.
cos i've tried, and now?
i'm too fed up to do anything else.

WHO WILL STICK WITH ME TILL THE END?
..ugh.i'm disgusted with my own self-centered-ness.
someone, please hit me on the head.
i need an effective wake up call.
i've been sleeping for WAY too long...

jazzy darling,
rach's away.
the HOTs aren't meeting.
yes, we need to talk;
but it's gonna be hard.
i miss 2m.
i miss the old HOTfamily.

And so, JYC ends.
I MISS IT ALREADY.
even after the sleep depravation and INITIALLY unenthu group.
I MISS JYC.
i'll miss the meetings.
i'll miss the running around.
i'll miss the laughing.
(i have never laughed so much in my LIFE)
i'll miss the praise and worship.
i'll miss the games.
i'll miss the dunking and water bombs.
i'll miss kindness.
i'll even miss the food.
but above all,
i'll miss the comm.
no doubt we'll drift now.
but for the sake of my present sanity,
i'll continue hoping.

more camp updates later

WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT?!

it's never worth it.
i was meant to live in the background.
i wonder how you would feel.
perhaps life would do justice.
i know it never will.
all of this be damned.

There is a time for everything.
Time to laugh, time to grieve.
but somewhere in the middle,
we reach a transition period.
do we, then, fluctuate between the two extremes?
or remain completely emotionless?
though, the latter would have been ideal.

Being idle.
that's hardly an entertaining hobby.
it puzzles me to know that there are those who seem to enjoy it.
no sense of purpose and drive;
it seems unbecoming of us youth to be in such a sad predicament.
then again, who would choose being idle over something else?
laziness, perhaps.
and that's my one of my biggest problems i guess.
laziness and procrastination.
and so, i continue to rot while being idle.

But in truth, are we ever idle?
our minds are ever working;
never ceasing.
we process everythig we see,
everything we know and feel.
human beings are, in that way, naturally greedy.
we desire the knowledge about everything;
we try and comprehend everything.
then, at the end of the day,
we curse and swear,
scolding life for US being to greedy for information.
prehaps, i'm speaking of the minority,
but it happens;
and we don't realize how amusing the whole situation is,
until we hit that 'thought-topic'
human beings are complicated creatures.

then again, life's complicated too.
perhaps we were made that way to compliment life,
and all its complexities and twisted truths.
contradictions never really refute each other;
there are still differences in similarity.
life's one great big mystery.
it always has been, it will forever be.
then, why are we still trying to figure THIS all out?
might as well do somthing more constructive;
..right?
rational thinkers would agree;
but there are those hopelessly lost,
in wonder of the mystery of life.
and so, we continue to search for answers;
perhaps, just maybe, we would find them one day.

maybe, just maybe.

Jimmy eat world.work.
If you only once would let me
Only just one time
Then be happy with the consequence
With whatever's gonna happen tonight
Don't think we're not serious
When's it ever not
The love we make is give and it's take
I'm game to play along

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time

All the best DJs are saving
The slowest song for last
When the dance is through
Its me and you
Come on would it really be so bad
The things we think might be the same
But I won't fight for more
Its just not me to wear it on my sleeve
Count on that for sure

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
Wanna take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
Yeah - We still have time

Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you
Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
Wanna take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
We still have time

Tell The World.Hillsongs United.
Don't want to stand here and shout Your praise
And walk away and forget Your Name
I'll stand for you if it's all I do
Cause there is none that compare to You

Cause all I want in this lifetime is You
And all i want in this whole world is you

Tell the world that Jesus lives
Tell the world that, tell the world that
Tell the world that he died for them
Tell the world that he lives again

No longer I but Christ in me
Cause it's the truth that set me free
How could this world be a better place?
But by thy mercy and by thy grace

C'mon, c'mon we'll tell the world about You
C'mon, c'mon we'll tell the world about You

Tell the world that Jesus lives
Tell the world that, tell the world that
Tell the world that he died for them
Tell the world that he lives again

C'mon, c'mon we'll tell the world about You
Tell the world that
Tell the world that
C'mon, c'mon we'll tell the world about You
Tell the world that
Tell the world that
About You

Some things aren't as plain as they seem.
simplicity?a facade, rather.
nothing could be any less than complex;
in the world we live in,
simplicity is always sought.
it is rarely found.
impossible, though?
much remains to be seen.

Some times, we see the things we wish.
Comfort?a front, rather.
comfort rarely lasts;
in the world we live in,
wishes rarely come true.
impossible, though?
much remains to be seen.

conscious, unconscious;
we wish all the same.
are not humans, then, stupid?
for allowing themselves disappointment and guilt,
when they fall short of their expectations?
why do expectations even exist?
to apply the necessary pressure on an individual, perhaps?
..or possibly to ruin him.

expecations and wishes;
hopes, all the same.
why do we place hope on human existance,
when it has proven to disappoint?
what IS disappointment?
an sense of regret when something is not achieved?
..or possibly sadness.

disappointment, sadness;
human emotion, all the same.
why do we feel,
when we know it will hurt to do so?
what is it to FEEL?
a physical touch or stimulus?
..or possbly something intangiable.

WHY;
we keep asking why.
why, in that case, do we keep asking the same question that we know we are never going to get an answer to?
are we stupid,
or merely deluded?

why strive for simplicity,
when our world was too complex to begin with?

Fallen.Sarah McLachlan.
Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

I need to know if i want to let go.
i NEED to let go.
i need to accept.

wallowing in self pity.
condemned by self.
tormented by conscince.
repititions of what had happened.
fears of what may come to pass.
i can't control a thing..
i can't control a thing..

Life is funny in the little things it allows to happen.
you thought you were making progress,
but you obviously weren't.
and life decided that it'd be funny,
to withold that truth from you.
well, then.
HAHA.thank you for making me laugh.
i see how stupid i've been.
only thing is..
what can i do to change that fact?

so many things have happened.
how do we continue?
do we move forward?
trace out steps?
or just stand still?
sometimes, being relentless is pointless.
then again,
sometimes being relentless brings relief.
when do we know?
we don't;
or do we?

is this reminiscent of what WE'VE done?
or is it one 'remarkable coincidence?

Diwali yesterday was spent at achala's house.
WATCHING a hinid movie that made ALMOST everyone cry.
[so maybe zhen luan IS dead to all things touching..
..then again, who am i to talk?]
hurhur.there was an intermission,
where we LIGHTED THE CANDLES!
heart shapes, circles..CANDLES!
it was nice.to say the least.
orangy-red against darkness IS nice
ok, then back to the show where tears flowed even more freely.
achu needs to wash her cushions.
then we played with SPARKLERS!
both the normals ones and FUNKY ones that made SOUNDS!!
and BOMB BAGS TOO!
WAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!
haha, then DOLLY suddenly exclaimed that she got BURNT!
it turned out that her "burn" was a piece of wax.
hurhur.haha.then, we went back in to have dinner!
MAN!!THE FOOD IS SPICY!!!
we ate with our hands,
and got ourselves STUFFED.
the desserts were..preculiar..
but nice all the same(:
SINFUL WAY OF EATING INDEED.
haha..we all went back VERY FULL.
and so, that concludes my first time celebrating Diwali.
interesting that it coincides with the first day of TRUE freedom.

things seem better now,
but are they truly?

you can't have the world,
even thought you want to.
i'd like to see selfishness as the part of us that never really grew up.
we're still that small kid,
wanting everything;
expecting the world.
and in that way,
our innocence is preserved.
then again,
reality doesn't accept innocnece.

it's wake up time.
i can't continue sleeping.

Josh Groban.Believe.
Children sleeping
snow is softly falling.
Dreams are calling
like bells in the distance.

We were dreamers not so long ago.
But one by one we all had to grow up.

When it seems the magic slipped away,
we find it all again on Christmas day...

Believe in what your heart is saying,
hear the melody that's playing.
There's no time to waste,
there's so much to celebrate.

Believe in what you feel inside,
And give your dreams the wings to fly.
You have everything you need,
If you just believe.

Trains move quickly to their journey's end.
Destinations are we begin again.
Ships go sailing far across the sea.
Trust in starlight, to get where they need to be.

When it seems that we have lost our way,
we find ourselves again on Christmas day...

Believe in what your heart is saying,
hear the melody that's playing.
There's no time to waste,
there's so much to celebrate.

Believe in what you feel inside,
And give your dreams the wings to fly.
You have everything you need,
If you just believe.

Present moment:
the world is caving in.
it's getting pitch black.
i can't see any more.
i don't know who's around me;
i don't know who's WITH me.
no one's in front of me,
no one's behind me.
insecurity knaws at my conscience.
perhaps, i shout too loud.
perhaps, i'm everything i shouldn't be.
perhpas, i was clueless.
perhaps, i still am.
but one thing's for sure;
i'm paying the price for it now.
..left alone;
servant to darkness,
lacky to inferiority.

The other side:
guilt is dissolving everything.
my hopes for an acceptable grade,
my hopes for future grades;
all gone.
all because of my stupidty,
because of my weakness.
procrastination is part of my life.
and now, sloth is catching on.
everything in the past was acceptable.
to me, at least.
i can't stand the person i am.
i don't know who i've become.
i ask myself who i am and how my values have morphed.
i draw a blank.
i cannot answer myself.
re-examination never helps.
so many things i could do,
but so many more things i have DONE.
nothing changes the past,
but the present changes the future.
what i'd give to live in the past.

what you do now, might change what you do in the future.
how i wish i could travel through time.
live a life in pure bliss.
in memories, in experiences.
nightmarish realities cast aside,
beckoning a happier past.
how perefct life would be,
if i could travel in time.
so, change the present, you say.
then, i will reply;
what good will the present do,
if it can't erase the past?

shying away from the light.
trepidation.anticipation.
warmth, a glorious warmth!
basking in light,
revelling in pleasures unknown.
quick, quick, quick.
it's whisked away.
thrown to the wind,
carried away by the night breeze.
stars ever seeing,
the skies are the limits.
darkness falls;
encased in that shell of gloom.
the candles go out.
the room is dark.
a shift.a slight movement.
cowering in a corner.
stifled gasps.smothered sobs.
"enough.please, enough."
no one hears.
the temperature dipped.
she was alone again.
she had always been alone.

Goo Goo Dolls.Iris.
And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
and sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Life is about to get busier again.
STUPID chinese Os.
then, i realize life after that's gonna be worse.
and so, i shut up.

Jealousy.
plays a bg part in LIFE as a whole.
you see something you want,
yet you know you can't have it.
you TRY to get it,
but end up getting hurt.
i SEE no point in jealousy or spite,
yet, i am human.
i FEEL jealousy and spite.
ALL of us do,
only some of us feel it more than others.
contempt?
i guess.
has always been there,
will forever remain.
product or cause of jealousy?
..it's a matter of perspective, is it not?

Why am i human?
Why can't i FEEL less?
it's a package deal.
i wonder how some people manage to do one,
while keeping the other locked up.
it's amazing.
i know i was never an achiever.
i just wish i could be.
for once...

then again,
things never really change...

Life's looking better.
i guess what they say is right;
life is all about perspective.
BUT, sometimes,
perspectives without actual happenings,
lead to nothing in the end.
the end of the exams.
the start up of some things old.
the closure of some things long drawn out.
the beginning of new things.
that IS life for you.
a never ending journey;
of facts,
of view points,
of opinions..
and above all,
of self-discovery.
what's the point of living life without YOU being in it?
it's selfish, but at the end of the day,
that's all we think about.

Above duty, before self.
hmmm.our duty to God.
we owe Him everything.
i KNOW that.
and i can't wait to get started on thanksgiving.
but for now,
i'll keep on working;
working to keep a stable relationship with Him,
working to change because He wants me to.
i should live for Him.
i must.

I have so many things to say,
yet, some how,
i can never find the words to use.
so many emotions,
so many happenings,
so many revelations.
i could say i'm scared;
of the unknown,
of the future.
i AM scared.
but, i know i'll have to face them sooner or later.
things come and go in passing,
i guess i can never hold onto things for long.
constants in life are hard to come by,
and that's why i need to hold onto them,
making sure that they stay that way.

the hurts?
we heal them and move on.
the memories?
we keep them and reminisce.
the present?
we make full use of IT and right the wrongs.
there are so many crossroads in our lives,
so many decisions we have to make.
regret is always an option;
but someone once told me,
that life was not meant for regrets,
that we could "live for so much more".
i thought that was a load of bullshit,
but, now i see.
and i hope that in the future,
i'll be able to keep my head above the water,
and see as i see now.

To someone:
thank you for everything you've taught me.
you taught me what it meant to be sensitive,
you taught me what it meant to open up and to trust,
you taught me what it meant to be brave and confident.
you taight me what it MEANS to be a friend.
i have never learnt so much from someone before.
thank you for that learning experience.
though things will never be the same again,
i will keep what you've taught me,
and learn from these experiences in the future.
the good times, the memories?
i'll keep them,
they were good and i had a blast.
i hope you will do the same.
this, i guess, isn't a forever kind of goodbye;
we are who we are.
there's no denying of those facts.
i bolted too easily, you..
we'll just leave it as that.
we BOTH know what happened.
i just wish you the best of luck.
i know you'll be fine.
you have always been.

to YOU:
thank you for everything.
i know things will never be teh same.
but life is a matter of how you make it.
we could start this again,
i'm willing.
are you?
..if your answer is no,
then, i respect your decision.
if it is yes,
remember that i'm no simple girl.
but, i guess you already knew that.
so, i'll do what i can,
but the decision will ultimately be up to YOU.
i'll keep testing the waters,
looking for something that WAS there.
if it's gone, i'll know.
but before it's too late,
i just want you to know that you meant and still mean alot to me.
thank you.

to you:
thank you for being my pillar of support.
thank you for talking me through everyuthing i thought i couldn't handle.
thank you for making me laugh and TRYING to cheer me up,
even when i thought i could never be at peace.
thank you for being there whenever i needed you.
thank you for doing the things that made me feel special.
thank you for being THE constant in my life.
thank you listening to my endless rants.
thank you for those 'pep talks' and for acting like my mother.
thank you for the times we planned to run away together.
life could be full of shit,
but at least i can share it with you.
and i KNOW that some way or another,
you'll make a joke out of it.
so, thank you for keeping me sane.
and..last but not least,
thank you for loving me enough to never let me go...

to my sisters:
thank you, darlings.
life would be boring without you two.
rach darling, cheer up.
sometimes, it doesn't pay to think too much.
i know what it feels like, babe.
i will always be here.
ALWAYS.
even at 3am in he freaking morning.
and she cares.
she told me the other day.
i'm not sure what it means to you now,
but i know she does.
she always has been.
jazzy darling, life's a bitch.
some guys are worse.
so just show tehm that you're better than that,
because i know you are.
believe that.

to the HOTs:
life could be much worse without you guys.
thank you.

i don't know what's with the 'thank you's,
but i just felt that i HAD to do them.
i don't want things to fade away again.
so, i'll make the effort to keep them in place.

The Young and the Hopeless.Good Charlotte.
Hard days made me,
Hard nights shaped me,
I don't know,
They somehow saved me,
And I know I'm making something,
Out of this life they called nothing
I take what I want,
Take what I need,
They say it's wrong,
But it's right for me,
I won't look down,
Won't say I'm sorry,
I know that only God can judge me.

And if I make it through the day,
Will tomorrow be the same?
Am I just running in place?
And if I stumble and I fall,
Should I get up and carry on?
Will it all just be the same?

Cause I'm Young And I'm Hopeless,
I'm lost and know this,
I'm going nowhere fast, that's what they say.
I'm troublesome, I'm fallen,
I'm angry at my father,
It's me against this world, and I don't care.
I don't care.

And no one in this industry,
understands the life I lead,
When I sing about my past,
It's not a gimmick,
not an act.
These critics and these trust fund kids,
The try to tell me what punk is,
But when I see them on the streets,
They got nothin to say!

And if I make it through today,
Will tomorrow be the same?
Am I just running in place?
And if I stumble and I fall,
Should I get up and carry on?
Will it all just be the same?

Cause I'm Young and I'm Hopeless,
I'm lost and know this,
I'm going nowhere fast, that's what they say.
I'm troublesome, I'm fallen,
I'm angry at my father,
It's me against this world, and I don't care.
I don't care,
I don't care,
Now, I don't care.

I'm Young and I'm Hopeless,
I'm lost and know this,
I'm going nowhere fast, that's what they say.
I'm troublesome, I'm fallen
I'm angry at my father,
It's me against this world,
And I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.

I HAD SO MUCH FUN TONIGHT!
THE HOTFAMILY ROCKS!
..it's so funny how things fluctuate,
but when they're high..
haha.
I LOVE IT!!!!
OH MAN!
IT WAS THE BEST TIME I HAVE HAD IN A LOGN WHILE!!!
the wierd things daddy wore..
the inital awkwardness..
the freaky jumping prawns..
the LIVE CRABS!..
the oil-splattering..
the OILY fried chicken..
the wierd tasting soup..
the feeding and sharing of food!..
the PHOTO-TAKING! [still can't believe mummy and addy siam-ed last minute]..
the advertisement making..
the screaming and shouting..
the pool game..
the arcade games [though i sucked at them :p]..
the slamming of the buttons..
the train ride home.

i'll never forgte.
not in a LONG, LONG while.
besides, i have the photos as momentos.
i can't wait till our next meeting.

thank you..
JAZZY UNCLE.SARAH MUMMY.GRACE DADDY.VI AUNTY.ZI STEP-MUMMY.ZIYAN.ACHALA.
ZHEN LUAN [especially you.at least i had closure tonight.]

love you all to bits!

..will never forget..

So it's truly over.
..i remember what you..wrote.
i'll remember it for life.
believe me.
as much as I was a learning experience,
so were you.
change.
I did.
so did YOU.
nobody's saying it's bad.
familiarity was just a comfort.
i have nothing left to say.
goodbye.

i'm not turning back anymore.
good luck.

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

the turning of time.
things change.
they CHANGE.
i don't know how long it'll take me to fully accept that fact.
i keep telling myself that things change,
that people change.
that all of this was inevitable,
and that i couldn't stop it.
not on my own at least.
i keep telling myself that resistance is futile,
that life isn't worth it some times;
espcially since you can't control most of it.
i keep telling myself that life is a game.
a game where i'm never the victor,
where everyone else seems to be moving on and conquering the impossible.
where i'm permanently stuck in my own grave.

pessimism.
some people don't like that.
i never thought i COULD please everyone,
but that didn't stop me from trying.
maybe it is true.
maybe i DO try too hard;
then again, maybe i don't try at all.
there are so many questions without answers.
mostly 'why's and 'how's.
i keep asking,
but i know i'll never get an answer from the rest of the world.
"the answer is within you".
i know that.
..or at least i THINK i do.

torment of living in the past.
haunting memories of events.
holding me back,
can't move forward.
stifled attempts,
smothered pleas.
i try, i never make it.
i need to find an answer.
what answer exactly?
i don't know..

..i don't know..

So many things could happen,
yet only few things DO happen.
you see all the possibilities in life,
and all the decisions you have to make.
the, suddenly, you don't feel like making those decisions any more.
there are always two sides to everything;
humans were given a free will to chose by the good grace of God,
and more often than not,
we make the wrong decisions.
we do the unthinkable,
we HURT people.
in retrospect,
we never know what possessed us to do the thigns we did,
yet the truth is,
the deed is done.
the crime has been commited.
and we'll live out our dyas regretting the bad choices,
wishing for time to be turned;
forever knowing that it's not possible.

so many thins to do,
so many truths to handle.
life is a chore.
God, please show me my worth.
i'm losing grip.
slipping, falling.
i can't hold on anymore.
inching closer to insanity,
drunk in depression.
lies, hate.
animosity.
pretences.
nothing's ever real.
i cannot believe.
i refuse to believe.

Everything's superficial.

Sometimes, i gaze out of the window for long periods of time, wondering where innocence went.i refuse to pay heed to the academic responsibilities i had to MYSELF.the thought crosses my mind once, twice,then i banish it from my mind.serenity overtakes my senses and i am drowned in the quiet night life.so many people, all settling down for the night.

They have so many worries, yet the manage to sleep.no thoughts, just rest.i wonder if there was anyone wo felt as i did.i wonder if there was anyone who gazed out of the window, wishing for simplicity and normalacy, like i did.life speeds forward; never a pause, never a stop.time waited for no man.it drags unwilling passengers, and i am one of those pulled against my will.as life continues, i find myself more and more sonfused.

And so i continue to gaze, wondering if any one did the same.

it's funny.
life gives you good things,
then always ends it as soon as it starts.
i thought i could do something about it;
fight against fate, perhaps.
but it's evident that i can do no such thing.
no man is God.
only god can take such matters into His hands.
destiny.
i prayed that it would not go against me.
but again, i discover many things are.
the people i used to see as important,
the things i cannot see.
pieces of a jigsaw,
strewn all over the floor;
waiting for you to put them back togethre again.
but are you willing?
to see them fall to pieces again?
it's a mighty big piece;
and you ask yourself,
"why did i even bother?"
when you stand at the crossroads again,
where will go go?
where will you turn?
will you sacrifice your free will to fate?
or remain standing there,
unguarded against the elements of your 'destiny'?

i make choices i regret,
do things i'd wish i had never done.
but i still do them anyway.
..why?
because, i am human.
i am not flawless.
i am as flawed as human nature gets.
many can atest to that.
sometimes, i look at myself and don't recognize the person i see.
perhaps, this masquerade has gone on for too long.
perhaps, i'm finally becoming the person i should be.
then again, do i want to be that person?
the floodgates have opened.
the tragedies will never cease.
what opened them..
i'll never know.
but i do know this;
it's too late now to run.
so, on the edge of this cliff,
do i surrender myself to the oncoming waves,
or do i try to fly?

why?
maybe it's time for me to start asking the questions i need to,
and start getting the answers i seek.
i tried to help who i a.
i TRIED to be likeable.
but obviously, i wasn't good enough.
wasn't 'cool' enough.
and i guess i'll never be.
why am i always living in the shadow of jealousy?
haha.i have been so foolish.
to throw so many things away,
just because i want something else.
if only i could start believing in who i am,
and the person i've become.
perhaps even try to LIKE that person.
maybe then, people will start to like that person too.


must get out of that auto-pilot mode and into maunal.
things are changins.
i can't rely on the programmed me to control my fate.
i need to fight for myself,
against myself.
i need to prove to myself that i'm worth more than the values people put on me.
i need to believe that i can do something FOR me.
no one's ever NOT worth it.

so..why should i be an exception?

some things change.
some things will never be he same.
we live life with scars of our folishness.
but we live, all the same.

i still don't get why we try.
i still don't get why we even bother.
some things are MEANT to happen.
why go against it?
why waste your efforts?
why even bother?
sometimes, we do the most foolish things.
sometimes, we commit to things that boast no returns.
sometimes, we waste time on the things that could never be 'better'.
i thought i learned my lesson.
i repeatedly told myself that i did.
but, i never did.
we can't stop this forever.
i can't do anything to push it along.
i've never come across anyone else like..
this.
it's confusing.
i torture myself.
and i don't even know why.
so many things i've did,
all to my own depreciation.
i'd like to believe i had SOME intelligence.
but in truth, i have nothing.

moving forward;
that's what people do all the time.
that's all that people WANT to do.
people look to improve, to do better.
but all i do is to move back.
so many 'could have's.
but no satisfaction.
all i want to do is scream, run away.
lock myself away from the truth of life.
lock myself aaway from myself,
and what i'm capacble of doing.
to myself, to others.
i just want to separate myself from myself.
fight my other self.
let the one i want to be triumph.
but, i am two people.
two personalities inexorably mingled.
try as i might, i cannot separate them.
..ineluctable to fight.
totally useless to struggle.
who am i?
i don't know.
what do others see?
i don't know.
..but why should i care?
i've been caring for the longest time possible,
and i didn't get anything out of it.
some things are meant to be left behind,
to be forgotten.
some things remain inexplicable.
and i'll never find the answers to all of the questions in life.
why, i ask.
so many 'why's.
so few affirmative responses.

i shuold not care.
i need to let go.
i'm holding on too tightly,
suffocating any possbility of healing.
do i want this?
haha, i forget.
it's not a matter of what i 'want',
but what the world can offer.
i am to remain pliant to its demands.
well, then.
forgive my ridiculous attempts at rebellion.
i was made for a life of servanthood to others.
then, let it be so.
i have nothing left to offer.

never what you put in,
but what you get out.
no point forcing it in,
you'll never get anything out of it.
and that's why i give up.
on more than one thing.
what i'm doing now,
what i'll do later;
they've become inconsequential.
i couldn't care less anymore.
i'm beyond reasoning.
nothing makes sense any more.
they never did, they never will.
i've been blinded for so long.
the veil was pulled over my eyes for so long..
and i never resented it.
until it started suffocating me,
twisting itself around my being,
choking me.
i've been so foolish.
why didn't i see?
i guess i'm losing my touch.
i guess i'm losing everything.
i've always been destined for that, huh?
even though i refused to see it in the past,
the thing that matters is that i see it now.

so what do i do?
there is nothing i CAN do.
i let life drift away,
lose everything i have,
..because it was meant to be?
..no, that didn't sound right.
i used to fight;
against all normalacy,
against all odds.
..why is 'now' different?
yeah, so i've seen, felt and said more.
does that make me any different?
in some ways, it does.
but why can't a rvert back?
do the things i should?
be the person i was?
is that even possible?

i struggle to find out.
i fight myself to.

the irony of life and its dilemmas.
but than again, who am i to complain?
what do i have to complain about?
NOTHING.
life's supposed to be absolutely perfect for me.
no problems, no headaches.
'just mug your life away' kind of philosophy.
i'm not wishing for anything any more.
i'm not expecting anything any more.
all in life will be a surprise.
hopefully.

sigh.

..given up on giving up slowly..

redemption.
consequence.
tragedy.
crossraods.
decisions.
vicious cycle.
the irony.

things are going to get better.
there are few certainties in this world,
but i think they are.
people have finally woken up,
i'm not alone anymore.
isn't this what i've always wanted?
..aah yes.but it came at a price.
a very high price.
maybe resultant factors include animosity and spite,
but i can handle that now.
things have definitely changed.
for the better?
we'll see..we'll see.

time to start studying.
EYEs start in 20 days' time.
it's a miracle i haven't started as yet.
well, then.
everything MUST have a beginning.
and it sucks to be sick.

it's clear now.
everything's so clear.
like black against white,
night against day.
there were no grey areas,
no sunsets.
things have always been this clear..
i just refused to see things for the way they really were.
delusion, foolishness.
..i was naive.
i believed in extremes;
either one way or another.
now i see that in a picture,
there are always grey areas.
room for the unknown,
for the forbidden and foolish.
nothing's as clear as we would have liked it to be.
nothing's ever perfect.
we can spend out whole life trying, changing, hoping.
sometimes, it works.
and everyone's happy.
sometimes, it doesn't.
but we accept it all the same.
clinging onto hope?
always a viable option,
but not for too long.
your hands start to burn,
and your limbs grow weak.
for now, i'll hang on.
i'm still hanging on.
i don't want to give up as yet.
change is inevitable;
it's a matter of acceptance.

friendships;
they come and go.
things can never remain the way they were.
time passes, things change.
that's the way it's always been.
and that's the way they'll stay.
value them or not,
they ARE ever present.
grab onto the threds,
cling on with desperation?
that's what i've been doing..
but i've realized,
that there are some that need to be cut.
and so i do;
i need to.
i need to decide for myself,
to leave or not to leave?
they've already left me,
do i continue staying in this desolate place?
or do i walk away?
never seeing them again?
..i didn't dare to walk away in the past.
but now, i see my follishness.
great minds think alike,
fools seldom differ.
hmph.i see it now.
to those who matter,
thank you.
to those who have taught me,
thank you, even more.
you taught me the value of making the right choices;
painful, or not.
you were my lesson.
now, i've learnt it,
and so i walk away..

Jewel.Hands.
If I could tell the world just one thing
it would be that we're all o.k.
And not to worry
cause worry is wasteful
And unless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I wont be idled with dispair
I will gather myself around my faith
for light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know,
but they're not yours they are my own
but they're not yours they are my own
and I am never broken

Poverty stole your golden shoes
but it didn't steel your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
but i knew it wasnt ever after

We'll fight, not out of spite
for someone must stand up for what's right
cause where there's a man who has no voice
there our's shall go singing

My hands are small, i know,
but they're not yours they are my own
but they're not yours they are my own
and I am never broken

In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters

I will get down on my knees and I will pray
I will get down on my knees and I will pray
I will get down on my knees and I will pray

My hands are small, I know,
but they're not yours they are my own
but they're not yours they are my own
and I am never broken

My hands are small, i know,
but they're not yours they are my own
but they're not yours they are my own
and I am never broken
We are never broken

We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
God's hands
God's hands

so, these are what friends are.
WHEN I NEED YOU TO STAND BY ME,
ALL of you turn away.
i lost hope,
all of you didn't bother to restore it.
of all people, i'm most disappointed with YOU.
i stood by you,
even when people saw you as foolish.
i did the things you should have,
when i knew you didn't have the heart to.
i'm sorry if i tired too hard for you,
too hard for us.
you tell US that we can still be "close",
even when we're not good friends.
SUCH A HYPOCRITE.
i don't know what else to say.
this anger and frustration has bene kept for too long.
YOU and YOUR GANG OF FRIENDS;
i'll see what you can do.
no doubt, i'm still as involved.
i'm just taking a step back,
and now, it's your turn to perform.
fill the post you were supposed to.
it's YOUR show now.

darkness enveloped her fragile being,
wrapping her in a cloak of dispair and grief.
is this what companionship meant?
sacrifice, after sacrifice?
..she didn't see the point;
she was broken, torn.
and no one came.
shadow after shadow passed;
she saw no recognition in their eyes.
they were puppets,
controlled by their own persuits.
they saw her, yet they turned away.
a muffled scream of desperation,
a quiet intake of breath.
she bled, but no one knew.
she ached, but no one cared.
the knife dived deeper into her ribcage.
in her hands,
she finally found the strength to do what she knew she had to.
she was alone,
she saw that now.
people had all their other commitments.
she guessed she had commitments too,
only thing was that her commitments were THEM.
always preoccupied, SHE had nothing to do.
people cited self pity.
she despised that.
but did they know?
no..of course not.
they knew nothing.
one last scream of anguish,
one last death cry.
it was done.
she was dead.

So fine.have it your way.
we AREN'T dead.
we AREN'T!
people are willing to make the sacrifice and fork out the hard work!
i'm reeling with ectasy as i uncover this new revelation.
oh, the wonders of camaraderie.
aren't they just a wonder to behold?
HAHA.
stick that up someone else's ass.
i'm not dealing with that shit.
all of your words are nothing more than crap.
you ask why we can't be together without being friends?
..aren't you a classic example?
INDEED.
the STUPIDEST thing to EVER be said is that the hotfamily is dead.
INDEED.
i was foolish enough to believe that MONTHS ago.
now, I'M NOT.
you haven't seen the the things i've seen.
so don't you dare open your trap and go round preaching you have.
think you can do a good job?
be.my.guest.
i'm taking MANY steps back now.
i'm running away from this mess.
i won't take it anymore.
fuck you all.
you never mean what you say.

and OF COURSE i know the EXCO's busy.
ANY idiot can see that.
it's not the business i have a problem with,
just the OTHER factors they don't..handle?
two words.
prefect councillors.
consider what the latter means.

Be my Escape. Relient k.
I've given up on giving up slowly, I'm blending in so
You won't even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away
And I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I've been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though,
there's no way in knowing where to go,
promise I'm going because
I gotta get outta here
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I'm begging You,
I'm begging You,
I'm begging You to be my escape.

I'm giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I've failed and I'm ready to be shown how
He's told me the way and I'm trying to get there
And this life sentence that I'm serving
I admit that I'm every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair
Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I've been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though,
there's no way in knowing where to go,
promise I'm going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I'm afraid that this complacency is something I can't shake
I gotta get outta here
And I'm begging You,
I'm begging You,
I'm begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I've made
And all I'm asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can't ask You to give what You already gave

Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though,
there's no way in knowing where to go,
promise I'm going because
I've gotta get outta here
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I've gotta get outta here
And I'm begging You,
I'm begging You,
I'm begging You to be my escape.

I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You

So were You

i see cracks;
cracks in the once whole porcelain.
i see breaks;
breaks in the once smooth outer surface.
i see shattered pieces;
separate pieces of a figurine.
we aren't who we once were.
we have chamnged, evolved.
we're no longer the old 'us'.
even though we claim we may be.
it's not hard to see,
we're already dead.
the HOTfamily is dead.
no glue can set this piece of art back into place,
no words or promises can heal the inflicted wounds.
things have been running too deep, too long.
and now, it's everything's errupting.
pent-up anger, unsaid grimaces, uncleared griviences.
it's so typical of snigaporeans;
to suck it up and stick it in.
we thought it would help,
but it obviously backfired.
what's left to do?
nothing; absolutely nothing.
if there still out there who care,
do something about this.
i'm stepping out.
don't expect anything more from me.

i know the whole damned world hates me now.
i have a list of about 10.
so many people;
a moment of pique, a moment of wekaness in anger.
i wish i could say sorry and make everything better;
but i am ai proud person,
and the things i say don't matter to the ones i've hurt anymore.
i'm sorry if you don't know why i'm angry with you.
i had and still have my reasons,
but i guess they were exaggerated, blown up.
i'm not going to give myself excuses.
so, please, forgive me.
or if [like someone i know] don't even think of me as
"a close friend",
then forget it.
i'm not worth it;
never have been, never will be.
i know that, and now i believe it.
YOU people have taught me to.

Things happened in the past.
as clishe as it seems,
i realize that they were there just to toughen me up,
show me how disappointing life CAN and WILL be.
acceptance is crucial, stubborness is follish.
things are sometimes out of our control,
so we accept and move on.
but i've learnt to hold on to the things that can be controlled,
because they mean something to me;
because their revival is worth my effort.
i used to think,
"why me?"
..but now, i see;
"why NOT me?"
it's a topic for reasoning,
but at the end of the day,
it's a mtter of perspective.
but time stands stil for no man,
and decisions need to be made fast and accurately.
initiative;
in work and out of work.
"why NOT me?"
..have you asked yourself that question?

The HOTs:
guys, this is the LAST time i'm gonna be doing this ok?i'm trying to keep this TOGETHER, but all we're doing is tearing it apart.so don't, ok?remember last year.even though we can NEVER have what we HAD, we cn remember the times and COMMEMORATE them with each gathering and each recess we spend together.treasure this like i do; time flies, and before you know it, we'll all be going our separate ways...

things of the past and present.
there is no story to tell.
my past has been obscured,
the lines of my history blurred.
i am an enigma.
you know nothing of me.
what you see,
isn't what you get.
don't assume anything,
it'll only lead to disastrous consequences.
i won't let anyone know me,
not ever again.
i've learned from my mistakes,
and from others.
if they can, why not i?
screw the world.
i'm leaving everything behind.
for once, i'll be ahead of myself.

independance;
the dependance on oneself.

Because of you.kelly clarkson.
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

i knew it'd hit you one day.
yes, everything you've said is true,
and i know you understand,
because, is't quite apparent, that you've been through it before.
would it pacify anyone if i said that i didn't know what i was doing?
or i regret NOW, what i had done?
..i never did.
but, now i do.
DOES IT MATTER TO ANYONE?
i don't think so actually.
people are tired of my senseless promises,
and impulsive mood swings.
i know that you're sick of it too.
don't you think it's quite obvious?
i'm worry i haven't been the person you SAW me to be.
i'm..not like that all the time.
i am an UNSTABLE COMPOUND.
able to break apart [dissociate] any time,
and i combine with others just as easily.
i live calculating every moment;
sometimes, in desperation for spontaneity,
i do something stupid.
..do you know what it feels like?
yes, what you've said IS true.
and i know that you've been through as many disappointments yourself,
but i guess..you know how to let go better than i do.
i'm not saying i need your guidance,
[or anything as cliche]
but i do ask that you stand by me;
through all the mood swings,
through all the crap i give you,
through all the times you put in more than you take out,
through all the things you don't see reason in me doing,
through all the stupid mistakes i make.
as a friend, will you stay?
that's all i ask..
will you stay?
if you answered yes,
please don't give up on me now.
you know what it's like to be disappointed,
i even admitted that i'd be destroyed,
if i were in your shoes.
i know you know,
so please, if you are someone who genuinely cares,
don't give up on me.

and yes, i know all that about expectations too.
i'm an ass you see;
[even though you claim i can't BE one cos i HAVE one..]
i take things for granted,
i..expect too much.
but recently, i've seen how foolish i WAS, and i AM.
it's embarrassing to admit,
but it's true.
i know you will scoff at this,
but you're right.
i DO expect too much of others.
you felt it.
..and i know why it had to be so.
you can't be "controlled",
while i AM the control freak.
now, i know why it didn't work out.
..i thought i DESERVED certain things from people.
but, i know now, i don't deserve anything.
what i get is what i gain.
there is no loss in friendships.
it's only what you get and gain.
there's nothing more to it.
i see that now.
i really, really do.
so thank you, you two, for your views.
you've just freed me for a new lease of life,
[evne though that sounds cliche]
and i WILL be eternally greatful.
[no sarcasm involved]

things happen,
time passes.
people change,
situations turn.
we fall,
we bruise.
months pass,
years disintegrate.
we.move.on.
life.goes.on.

things happen for a reason.
they always do.
first, shock hits you..HARD.
then, disappointment, anger.
finally, the tears come and you forget why you even exist.
it's all a cycle.
i'll get over it.

things happen for a reason.
it's all been planned.
resistance IS futile.
the inevitable happen,
and sometimes we're left out cold,
but it's all part of the cycle.
i'll get over it.

things happen for a reason.
there's no explanation for it, sometimes.
try as we might,
we can only ASSUME what happened;
we never truly know.
then you realize, it's a cycle.
i'll get over it.

things happen for a reason.
we can only continue to live.
there's nothing we can really do.
just suck it up, stick it in, and put on a strong front.
no point crying, no point regretting.
what's done is done; it's all part of the cycle.
i'll get over it.

Jesus loves me,
this i know;
for the bible tells me so.
little children, to Him, belong;
they are weak, but He is strong.
yes, Jesus loves ME,
yes, Jesus loves ME,
yes, Jesus loves ME..
the bible tells me so.

I want to believe that,
i really do.

appearances can be deceiving.
i thought people cared.
i thought people GENUINELY cared,
but i guess there's only SO MUCH you can expect of somebody.
and now, i see.
i truly do.
i have to let you two go.
you never really cared, i know that now.
i know you're busy; too busy, in fact.
it's ok, though..
just two other things to recover from.
it's all part of life.
life in its cruel irony and deceit.
i'm ready for all that shit this time round.
and i guess now that i am,
i finally see who matter..
and i've never been more lonely.

i deserve death.
i'm going crazy, outta my mind.
i'm not myself.
i'm doing things that are out of my nature.
i'm making decisions that go against my values.
but..why?
..someone?
..something?
the code that is my life is so hard to decipher.
crypts and more crypts.
i'm done with the code breaking.
so i..GO ALONG with life.
since when did life become so pointless?
when did attempts become so futile?
when did choices become invalid?
..i DID not surrender to the norm.
i went against it, because i believed in it.
and now, i'm appauled with who i'm becoming.
i'm giving up without a fight for myself;
without a fight for who i used to be and the values i used to embody.

i'm disgusted with myself.
i'll go hide under a rock now;
it's better nobody finds me.

i guess that's how it's like, huh?
i don't care any more;
i really don't.
and it's beginning to show.
is this good?
isn't this what i've always wanted?
..if it was,
why does it feel..wrong?
why do i feel..misplaced?

confused.
mixed up.
rejected.
desolation.
isolation.
..hope?

..i wonder.
i wonder if you ever think of what you can do.
i wonder if you know what you DO.
i wonder if you ever bother to remember.
i wonder if you ever bother to think about meus.
i wonder if you ever think of anything else.

..i know.
i know you don't know what you can do.
i know you don't know what you DO.
i know you don't remember.
i know you don't bother to think.
i know you never bother about others.
i know you're married to your work,
that's just a full stop to all your human interaction.

..i feel.
even though you may think i don't.
even though you may think i only have a limited number of emotions, i don't.
even though you deny negligence, i feel the distance.
even though you don't care, i feel the need to.
even though i know you're married to your work,
it never stopped me from trying.

i keep saying that
"i'm tired, or "i give up".
but do i really?
sometimes, even i don't know.
i feel hopeless.
i'm powerless against my own will,
weak in light of my subconscious desires.
i don't know how such phenomenas occur,
but they just do.
the human phsycological train of thought is hard to comprehend,
let alone classify.
i'm amazed that people can judge so easily.
yet, i'm a hypocrite, and i cannot stop being one.
it's human nature to seek a sense of secruity;
to want to know that there are people beneth you,
to yearn supremacy over others,
to know you have authority.
i guess some just revel in it more then others.
..and obsession follows.
i wonder if "leaders" ever question themselves that way.
i'll never know.
i never do, anyway.

congratulations.
long overdue, but all the same.
just don't let it consume you,
authority is not everything.
i believe you two have alot to contribute;
so do what you need to.
i know you two are very busy;
we all do,
just don't neglect the things important to you.

i'm out of hate and depression.
slipping into a sense of nothingness,
numbing myself to the world.
in essence, i AM dead.
it's my mechanical self taking over.
i am devoid of true emotion.
no jolt, no pulse.
i am dead,
dead as any human could be.
dead on the inside.
and it doesn't hurt anymore..
it won't, ever again.

That's it, you know?
if you don't wanna give it a shot, it's cool with me.
i've had enough of clinging on PATHETICALLY.
it's ok, really.
go on with ALL your lives.
you five DISGUST me sometimes.
i expected so much..
haha.i guess i expected too much, huh?
and NO ONE could fit the bill.
then again, who am i to expect so much?
i am a NOBODY, right?
i guess humans are like that;
natuarlly selfish.
well then, if YOU ALL can be selfish,
why can't i?
not saying that i wasn't in the past,
but i'm talking MORE selfish;
total disregard for YOUR affairs,
ignorance of YOUR feelings.
plain and blatant disregard for your EXISTANCE.
would you all like it?
hmmm, especially, YOU?
i guess you..WOULDN'T, right?
ahhh.that brings me to my next point;
then why did you do it to others?
i can only tell a biased tale,
but from my point of view,
you're doing it to EVERYONE.
and if you know me well enough,
(though i doubt you do)
you will know that i don't take these things lying down.
i'm stubborn and foolhardy,
but that's who i am.
and sometimes, being who i am gets me somewhere.

i though that we could hold on forever,
i guess not.
it IS just a cycle, is it not?
realization, depression, then anger.
i won't let the cycle start again.
i won't be THIS foolish again.
to think i actually TRUSTED you guys.
HAHA.joke of the century.
it's funny, really funny.
my sides are splitting at the hilarity of it all.
well then, i've had my laugh,
and now, things'll go back to the way they used to be.
only now, you won't see me as a shadow anymore;
i'll be gone.

ever wondered how some people can stay in touch forever?
i guess you guys have WONDERED,
perhaps even KNOWN,
but you just didn't make the effort, huh?
well done!
ALL of you contributed to the WONDEFUL state of our HOTs.
BRILLIANT!
i just want to congratulate all of you;
on losing faith on THEM,
on only looking for them for your selfish needs,
on not making the effort.
that's it, you know?
the final straw.
i'm probably not the person for the job,
but that ain't stopping me,
since NO ONE'S being doing it.
this IS the last of illusions.
this IS the final trace of innocence.
it's OVER.

tsk, then again, who am i to say all this?
i am but a LONELY, MISERABLE prick,
engulfed by a sea of GIANTS.
well, well.
let the miserable prick be,
she's going to disappear any time soon anyway.

sometimes, i wonder why i'm not dead.
most times, i don't see a reason,
and i wish that i was.
sometimes, life SEEMS so much better to be dead;
unfeeling, unknowing.
then i think,
"what's after death?"
and i remember that my soul will still exist.
and i don't dare to climb over the ledge.
it's pathetic, isn't it?
the only thing holding me back from suicide,
is the thought of hell AFTER death.
it's ridiculous i have to REMIND myself not to think about
climbing over the edge,
or taking a pair of sciossors in hand.
it's funny, it really is.
too bad most people don't think so,
and think that it's a plea for attention.
sigh, i pity those people;
they only know how to judge,
they don't really know how to feel.

it's ironic, sometimes.
you decide to give something up,
but yet the attempt backfires when you get something back.
it's ridiculous, yet it's happening.
irony, plain irony.
haha, life DOES love to throw you for a loop, doesn't it?
well, i'll cling on for the ride.
i want to see what life can do FOR me;
no longer what life can do TO me.
i've seen the effects, and now, i'm ready.
i'll enjoy it this time,
not one thing can stop it.

i'll walk away, if i need to.
stay, if i want to.
laugh, if i have to.
it's all about making the right choices,
and sicking with the decisions.
i won't bend toward what i SHOULD do, anymore.
it's all about my impulse.
i will do what i think i should;
not what others think i should do.
so what if i'm left out again?
i'll just find other company.
inferiority is something i don't want to have to deal with again.
i'll just find others who make better worth of my time.
or energy.
it's evident that some don't care,
because i'm "that type of person".
so if nobody gives a shit,
why should i freaking care?!
haha.i see it now.
manipulated and foolish;
that's what i've been.
i won't be that person again.
no longer, no longer.

i'll do what i need to;
word hard,
laugh hard.
i don't "play".
it'll only lead to disastrous consequences,
since i don't know the game.
so i'll laugh, by the sidelines.
laugh at those who choose to be blinded,
laugh at those who are lying to themsleves.
laugh at the rule-makers.
i was once like them;
phony and insecure.
maybe, i still am,
but now, i know.
and now, i'll make an effort to change.
no one deserves to make the rules of your life.
i'm making mine, MYSELF.

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

i have a confession to make.
i've been lying about everything i believed in,
everything i said i would do.
i KNEW, but i didn't believe.
i kept lying to MYSELF,
that i knew and that i WOULD change the situation.
i guess, in some ways i did.
but for the majority, i didn't.
all that's gonna change.
i hope that this time,
when i say it,
i'll actually mean it, and believe it.
and that this time around,
everything i want happening, WILL happen.
i hope i won't disappoint,
nor will i face disappontment again.
it's gonna be real this time.

acceptance;
it's the hardest thing in the world,
but once it's done,
the rest will follow smoothly.
i guess that's what i need to do;
accept the truth.
i've been blinded by SELF deceit for too long,
it's time to make ammendments.

it's been quite busy lately;
the ending of one thing,
leads to the beginning of another.
new knowledge, new understanding, new decisions.
now i know alot more,
now i know what i must do.
it's not a matter of 'can i? or 'should i',
but a matter of 'i must.
full stop.
i've left too many questions unanswered in my life,
and i'm paying the price for it now.
as they say,
'once bitten, twice shy'.
i won't commit the same mistake twice.
so now, i'm answering all the question marks in my life,
and i'm taking a stand now.
i can't afford to sway with the wind anymore.
my back's been pushed too far backward.

so it's my fault, again.
i'm sick of this.
i hate pretending.
but it seems like that is the only thing that i've been doing around you.
maybe telling you was a wrong move,
i don't know,
because you NEVER TELL ME ANYTHING.
and need to know what and why you feel.
i'm sorry if i made you angry,
or hurt you (though i SERIUOSLY doubt the occurance).
i doubt you're even reading this.
but, if you are,
please know that i'm really sorry.
i never meant to hurt,
i was just so angry,
and i didn't know what else to do.
i guess sometimes,
you have to take a step back to move in the right direction.
maybe i need to let you go,
as you have so long ago.
i was just too stubborn, huh?
it's gonna be hard,
but..
if it makes you happy.

goodbye, **** ****..

you.
thanks for pulling me aside on friday.
i guess it's like that;
no matter how bleak it looks,
i think it's better this time round;
don't ask me why,
i just..feel that way.
maybe it's because we're more willing to talk,
maybe it's because i understand more.
or maybe it's because i finally understand what you mean when you say you can't trust anybody.
i finally get it.
i really do.
thanks for enlightening me.

you
you continue to disappoint me, don't you?
i gave you one chance.
you threw away the remaining two.
i thought you would have picked up on the part of
'reading between the lines'.
you keep telling me you can't let me go,
but you what?
you're lying.
everyone is,
it's just that your is so obvious.
and maybe you've finally opened my eyes;
and i see how blind i've been.
is this really the end of it?
ask yourself.
because i'm only willing to make sacrifices if you are.

life's just such a freaking mess.
and i'm sick of being cryptic and beating round the bush.
if everyone thought a little more like that,
the world might be a better place.
then again,
you can never be too sure.
so we'll take out chances,
and hope that we can get if,
if and when we do fall.

don't abandon me, you three.
i need you guys, now, more than ever.