it's done.
maybe now, you WILL understand.

i've degraded myself because of you.
i've lost myself because of you.
i've CRIED because of you.

but you've never known;
you don't know;
and you never will.

bitch.

and now, i'm done with you.
no more running away.
like a blade through the heart,
i continued living as if nothing had happened.
because techinically, nothing did.
everytime i saw you,
that blade drove deeper and deeper.
but you never knew, huh?
even if you did, i wouldn't be worth your attention, right?
i knew it, you selfish bitch.
so now, the blade is coming out.
i'm pulling it out.

fuck you.
i will hate you one day.
mark.my.words.

"Let's just pretend that i've moved on, and that life goes on without you."

"Tear myself open, i sew myself.
my weakness is that i care too much.
and my scars remind me that the past is real.
tear my heart open; just to feel".

"i can't help you fix yourself".

and so i move on.
i have to let you go.

you.
you ask me if i know you.
i don't.so, you give up on me?
i'm saying i'm completely innocent,
but take a look;
a self examination if you please.
it's not me anymore,
i don't want to tangle in these issues.
i think now, more than ever,
it's YOU.
so you'll have to think your way out of this one.
i'm stepping back,
and you'll never see me again,
unless you want to.

you.
selfish bi*ch.
you told me everything,
i listened.
true, i told you things too,
but why is it,
when i thought i could depend on your listening ear,
you disappeared?
is this really so one sided?
you do all the talking?
and i just listen?
is this what it's all about?
if it is,
then i take back all my words,
and state instead that i sorely regret knowing you.

you pushed me to harden my heart,
to suck it in and rough it out.
now, i am what you wanted me to be.
i will cling no longer.
i will detach.
because that is what you've always wanted me to do,
and now, i'm granting you your wish.

maybe all the decisions i've made in the past 6 months were wrong.
maybe i've been making all the wrong choices all this time.
but now, i'm wide awake.
eyes open, pupils dilated.
i see everything.
i'm no longer blind of soft.
i try to be impartial, unbiased.
and now, i can judge better.
maybe some people have always been there.
maybe there are some who deserve more of my attention.
maybe there are some who don't deserve my attention at all.
the dawn is breaking,
i see the light;
all are coming out in the open.
i see everything,
so i will not be fooled.
not by YOU, you or you.

i'll step out of your lives,
all three of you.
two because you apparently don't want me there,
and one, cos i can't be bothered anymore.
i.am.different.
i am who you never knew.
i am who you'd never expect.
so, watch out.
i'm not holding back this time.

Launching into the skies;
soaring, believing.
i can make it,
i know i can.

Arching over the horizon;
great revelations, awe.
i've never seen the world from this angle,
it's beautiful.

Plummeting into descent;
insecurity, fear.
when did it change?
how could i have been so blind?

Rocketing toward the ground.
Numb, devoid of feeling.
this is my doom,
i accept.

Does it kill you;
..to pay that morsel of attention?
would it kill you;
..to give more than a passing glance?

then again,
i was never a person.
just an apparition.
a phomtom of the past,
ghost of the present.
i some how ceased to exist.
have i even existed?
people saw through me.
i am glass;
fragile and transparent.
i wonder if i'm human.

numb,
i want to feel pain.
it's a reminder that i'm not fake,
it's a reminder that i can feel.
and it's the only thing that keeps me from crying.

Ploughed too deep in your world,
you're oblivious to me.
i'll be selfish, cos frankly, no one cares.
Buried too deep in your problems;
you ignore my presence.
I'll be brutally honest, cos no one bothers.
I offer you my existance, but i am a pest.
I wonder what tore us apart.
Were we even tight?
I doubt so;
nothing else matters to you.
So, we'll have it;
I won't bother, so won't you.

And you.
I thouhgt you could read between the lines,
but apparently, you can't.
I thought you ceased being selfish,
but obviously, you were, are, and always will be.
I know your classmates suck,
but you're no better.
Excuse me if i don't feel like discussing your problems,
cos frankly, i, too, am selfish.
And unfair deals won't cut it.

'I've had it'.
Repeated too many times,
and now, meaningless.
Have i really had it?
Perhaps.
Screw the world.
Give me pain.

3rd November 2004
[i just read jazzy's blog.her msgs were SO super sweet.felt really inspired to do the same.so here goes nothing...

Jazzy:
heya..thot it was SUPER sweet what u did for all of us.
will never forget those eyes.
will never forget ur china accent thingy.
will never forget the sarcasm.
will never forget the times when u were there for me.
will never the times when we went to each other's house.
will never forget the snake fight u had with my sis.
will never forget u..love ya LOADS and miss u to bits!!
we WILL stay as close next yr.never doubt it.

Zi:
hey darling step mummy!!!!ok let's c...
will never forget that smile, and how it just seems to make u wanna smile too.
will never forget how u took control of the survey section of our IPW and how u RAWKED that section.
will never forget the studying for chinese we always seemed to be doing..but look zi!!it paid off!!(:
will never forget ur positive attitude towards everything, even when things seemed hopeless.
will never forget the valuable advice u gave regarding some issues that i couldnt seem to solve myself.
will never forget the times when we bitched together and how u would just listen to my crap bout some ppl.
thank you for EVERYTHING dearie, will NEVER forget you!!(:

Aud:
haha..will never forget the DOGGIE!!!!!
the spasticness,
the pervertedness,
the cute air bout u,
ur drawings and how u SINGLE HANDEDLY saved our art sale,
ur design for our IPW logo(: ,
everything about u!!i dont wanna c you go..it's just sad man..just so sad.

Grace:
HEyyy daddy!!i will never forget..
the time when u stayed up till 4 to accompany me studying my science,
the times when u said it was possible for me to get some studying done, when i thot i couldnt,
for discussing liu xin hua yuan and the like,
for the times when we used to sompare what we got done in the category of revision, etc..
ur retardedness and how funny ur laughter is.
how SERIOUS u can become when u mean business..ie the enterprise challenge.great job by the way...
how horrible u are to mummy!!!haha..just kidding..but i WILL neevr forget how u and mummy ALWAYS seem to be "fighting"
i DUH..definitely wont forget u.and i haf a feeling u made it..i tink u made it to trip sci.it all paid off rite?haha..will miss ya LOADS.

sarah:
hey mummy!!ok..mummy is..
super crappy.
super loud.
loVES hugs and sign of umm..affection.
super crazy.
super funny when she quarrels with daddy.
very encouraging..esp during the getting back papers part ;) thanks.
very..different.
can never forget you.WILL never forget you and WILL miss u always.muacks!!<- sign of affection.

Vivian:
hey vi.i know u're probably never gonna read this BUT..i haf ALOT of things to thank u for.
1.for always reminding me what a child of God REALLY is.
2.how u could ALWAYS be counted on for an encouraging word or a prayer.
3.how u always seemt o be on tops of things even when the world seemed to be crashing down on the rest of us.
4.how u managed to calm me down. despite all the anger and vulgarities i had.
5.for always understanding even though i didnt haf to the words to convey how i felt.
6.for always being vi.the avid turtle lurrver and the serious, but SOMETIMES crappy person u are.
i WILL never forget you.hope we always remain good friends and no matter what probelms you haf, ALWAY, always remember that God is guiding you where ever u go..and hey.if everything DOES crash down on u..i'm onli a sms away...

Dolly:
hello step aunty!!i never did get to know u well enough, did i?
but..thank you..
for eing crappy.
for being dolly.
for being encouraging when i hit a pitfall in my academic life.
for being dolly aka the maid in denial and aka the cloned sheep.
for being a reliable tresurer.
for making my life easier whn it came to money.
for making those 3 AWESOME cheesecakes for the chalet!!!goodness.thay rawked man.haha..thank you dolly for being YOU.i will never forget the crappy one, cos u only add on to the list of crappt ppl in my life (: thanks.

Evelyn:
regardless of whether u read this or not..this is what i'm gonna remember you for:
1.ur smatrty pants-ness.
2.ur astounding intelligence
3.ur calm nature despite all stuations.
4.ur creativity.
5.ur take charge attitude when it came to handling things.
6.the MANY sacrfices u had to make for our class.
7.the way u study.OH MY GOODNESS.it's amazing.mind-blowing..whatever good adjectives come into mind.
8.the way u handle the hawk dance.man, u didnt know how many bloody times i gave up on the bloody dance.but hey..look at it now ;) we'll do great tomorrow..(:

Ash:
HEy sista!!haha..ash is one hardworking asss.i will never forget..
1.how much u mugged.
2.how many assessment bks u had.
3.how much u pushed urself for the exams.
4.ur crappiness.
5.the way u ticked rachel off and how she ticked u off in return.
6.how funny u 2 are.
7.how we used to go home last time, and how we crapped all the way.
wont forget ya ash..lova ya always!!(:

Rachel:
heyy..i haf so many thins to say.umm..i love ya because:
1.rachel rawks. <- ring any bells
2.ure always so sure of what u were going to do.
3.ure always to freaking confident. esp when talking to saphire or jia ying etc.
4.u were and still are..my CCA BUDDY!!!haha..i rmbed last yr when i wanted to change cca and gym closed doen..and how we made a deal to join the same cca as the other.(: or sthg like that.
5.how comforting u were during the checking of papers.i will NEVER forget how u told me everything was in God's hands and how everything was going to be alright.i could NEVER forget how i felt that time.no words to describe it.
6.u ALWAYS checked my papers first and were encouraging no matter what.you know what?ure my LUCKY charm..cos all..or almost all..of the papers u checked..were..umm..good!!(: thanks darling for always checking those papers for me and thank you for always being there for me.
7.ure so CRAPPY.
8.ure so funny!!!!!!!!!!goodness.dunno how many times i've collapsed into fits of laughter on the way home.
9.for being to sarcastic.it's funny.it really is.
10.for being my going home buddy!!!(:
even though we probably arent gonna be in the same class next yr..i will ALWAYS remember the times we had and the times we sent homw together.i will NEVER EVER forget you..rachel judiTH emiechel.will never forget you..

Achu:
it's funny how u can say so many things, but u never know what to write when ure thanking some one for the things they do/did.
u know, i really dont need to write this thank you/goodbye note.co u ALREADY know what i'm gonna write.cos i'm NEVER gonna forget all our conversations..R-rated or not.hahaha.i will never forget AHEM too..and move on achu.there's no future in the past..well.that's all i haf to say.and oh..do treasure the cranes..there're only 50 there.use them wisely ;)

Zhen Luan:
Goodness.another one i dont know what to say for.
i really wont be able to forget you.
haha.i rmb during the bloody exam period when i aske du to buy all those sci assessments..and they DID pay off, no?haha.
i will ALWAYS rmb the times we studied together..be it in sch till the bell SANG..or in orchard library where u couldnt read the "tower b" sign.i will always rmb those times.
i will always rmb the late nights u spent up, either studying or talking to AHEM.and of COURSE, u dont expect me to forget AHEM, do u?
i will always rmb the time when we went bowling and swimming in the sea together.we had fun.u ALWAYS will haf.
i will never forget ur family.dunno y..but i will ALWAYS be praying for ya no matter what.
i will never forget how u freaking slept like a vampire and how funny u looked.the look was PRICELESS.
i will also never forget how u told on me regarding AHEMMMM and how mr toh got to know of it too.well done darling.i will punish u some other time.
i will also never forget how stressed u could and can get.and how i would and will get freaked out by how stressed u were/are.let go when u need to..there's no point holding everything inside.i dont know how u've did it for so long.
i know this will NEVER be our goodbye.i wont let it be.and after all..i will always be seeing u in the board where u will "lose all ur freedom", wont i?haha..chill..and we BOTH will lose our freedom and look BLOODY wierd..TOGETHER.haha..

that's all i haf to say.i'm gonna remember =2/m '04 forever..i'm gonna remember the HOTfamily forever.i'm gonna miss you all forever..]

this was written last year, after school ended.
looking back on it now, i don't know how i could've broken those promises.
they meant so much, but i did so little to keep them.
the sorry state of my determination and faith.
but, i guess it goes for most of the HOTfamily too.
conflicts, quarrels, anger.
our family really HAS broken up, hasn't it?
cumultaive effect of things and changes to our lives?
i think so;
things will never be the same.
the bonds won't hold.
everything, in essence, is truly..
lost.

I guess true acceptance isn't as liberating as people claim it is.rather, it leaves you will a dull throb in your innermost being, because what you've just realized, may not be what you want.For once, i knew in my mind, heart and soul that i had to let go.i couldn't hold onto the past forever, i couldn't cling onto hope any longer.i couldn't hold on to the phantom of the past; i couldn't hold on to a ghost.time passes, things and situations change.i never thought that was stupid; till now.

In retrospect, i guess it had to happen; i had to wake up.she was right; i couldn't hold on to the past.it's like a fearthy piece of cloth; it comes, as swiftly as it goes.i couldn't hold on to the past any longer.it ends here; nothing can take me back, nothing can bring me forward, till i stop.the past is gone now, tucked away in a special corner of my heart; only taken out in times of comfort and need.they are of the things we had, but lost; of the things we wish, but failed to achieve; of the ideals and dreams, that had yet to come true.yes, these are all gone now, flown with the swift wind.it carries all these away quickly, leaving you awed in how something so treasured coud pass so fast.yet, it does.time stand still for no man; and humans are still living in denial of that fact.but, it's undeniable that we have to let go of the past one day.

I know it in my heart i had to let this go.throbbing, yes, but at least i can take comfort in the fact that i am no longer deluding myself.there are those who still believe astutely that the HOTfamily is existant, but all i see is its disintegrated form.phamtom of the past, memory of the passing time, and bane of the present.yes, we have to let it go.then how do we go on from there?i keep who i have, reminisce in the memories and continue living.i want to mourn the loss, but i wont.i am the ice queen, and i will be, forever and always.

goodbye, past.
goodbye memories.
goodbye, good times.
goodbye, friendships.
goodbye, hopes.
i bid you all a fond farewell.
i am leaving,
and not coming back.

why can't things stay forever?
because they aren't meant to.
of course.
everything has a beginning and an end.
nothing lasts.
and i hate it.
i want to rebel against it,
but i can't.
i never will be able to.
nothing i do can change it.
nothing i do ever counts.
so i should just give up,
i should just hang back.
i should just step away.
and leave them to their own spheres of happiness.
i wonder if they'll ever regret;
maybe i'll think myself insane.
trying to change something fixed.
haha.the hilarity of it all.

WORK.
PLAY.
torn betweent the two.
it was never an option for me,
but i'm left wondering about the decisions.
then, i look at the future.
anguish.
hate.
resentment.
when will this pass?
no when.
life is a torture.
life is meant to be slogged out.
school is an institute for the insane.
i think all of us will go insane at one point in time or another;
some things just speed up the process.

I HATE IT ALL.
I HATE THIS LIFE.
I HATE MYSELF.
I HATE EVERYTHING!!!

knocking on the door of obscuirty.

revivial.
in the hearts of those who have strayed.
a spark.
igniting, spreading, blazing.
that's how it should be.
a passion for all things.
especially one.

everything's planned.
life's smoother,
happier.
safer.
i've realized something.
i've given up on 2.
and now,
it's good.
it's all good.
change is necessary.
cligning onto the past will do nothing.
looking to the future will bring misery.
live for who you are.
live for NOW.
live for everything you want to do in that moment.
then, pray it will come to fruition.
that is how life is meant to be.
a constant battle of the planned,
and how we change it.
happiness is not an illusion.
it's simply the realization,
that life isn't as hard as you think.
it's the simple acceptance that there ARE things worth your eveything.
it's raw belief that things will come and go,
and it's not up to you to change it,
but someone else,
who cares about you more than you'll ever know.
He is not a phantom;
you just need to have faith in his existance,
and wonders will never cease to happen.

i'm waiting for that revival.
a tornado,
whisking me into it's spiral.
flying, floating.
yet, safe.

things have been looking up.
letting go.
sacrifice.
maybe it was needed.
i guess i was retarding the process,
by holding on.
and now..
since it's gone,
i don't feel the pain anymore.
wait.screw that;
i don't feel anymore.
fullstop.

valerie--
hey.how have you been, babe?
things been going well for you?
..i know life isn't what everyone expects sometimes.
it's just..unpredictable.
you never really know when you're REALLY laughing.
life's an act.
a great big play;
sometimes you get to personify your character,
but most times, you're plainly an actor.
you're happier now?
good.
cos everyone deserves to be.
God planned it that way.
He has a plan for all of us,
i KNOW it.
but i can't DO it.
its like..somany decisions in life have been made,
and in the end, you regret making half of them.
and now, when you wanna turn back,
you don't know how.
i don't know about you,
but i fear judgement;
so i hope you'll survive it,
and have a clear conscience.
cos God is not to be trifled with.
i hope He blesses you in whatever you do,
cos i know one girl can't do it on her own;
so just, trust.
simple word,
great meaning(:
and may God show you his miracles.(:

thanks for your concern.
you don't know how much it meant.

why won't you?
i'm burnt.
nothing left to say,
nothing left to do.
drawn back.
at a distance.
you won't let me in.
i'm watching through a glass pane.
and you know what?
i.give.up.

i won't watch any longer.
back turned,
the first few steps are hard.
but, i take them anyway.
path to oblivion, numbness.
i'm glad to oblige.
you people kept me out.
and now, i'm walking away.

nothing i can say,
nothign i can do will remedy anything.
i am USELESS.
one USELESS,
INSIGNIFICANT being,
unworthy to live.
so guess what?
i'll just, disappear.
rid everyone of my cowardly existance.
i am truly worth nothing anyway.
no commitment,
no fire,
no passion.
no nothing.
i am worthless.
so be it.

cave in,
hermit.
staying for life.
secluded, outcasted.
it's been like this.
i've finally begun to see.
i was so blind;
i kept kidding myself.
WHO AM I TO ANYONE!
hahahaha.
the hilarity.
it's useless even asking;
it's worthless even wondering.

that's it.
closed chapter.
life leads me down a different path.
i've lost my faith.
i've misplaced my trust.
and so i go,
and so i go..

MICHAEL BUBLE.HOME.
Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
"I’m fine baby, how are you?"
Well I would send them but I know that it's just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I'm lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I've got to go home

Let me go home
I'm just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I'm living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I'm surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I've had my run
Baby, I'm done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I'll be home tonight
I'm coming back home

collision.
the meeting of two objects,
creating friction and simply knocking into each other.
there's no other way around it.

stop.think.
how do you prevent this?
stop.think.
how do you stop this?
stop.think.
can you ever stop things like these?
stop.think.
pause.

i draw a blank.
nothing comes to my mind.
it's almost as if everything's erased,
everything's been wiped off the slate,
and i can start again.
no past;
just the present,
only the future.
and i'm happy.
flying seems natural.
i'm at peace.
nothing in the world could phaze me now;
i was changed.
i wasn't going to make the same mistakes.
i was wiser,
better.
stronger.
in essence, ready.
or was i?

foolishness is a man's true vice.
fools.
who would've guessed people would speculate about them?
self proclaimed fools, fools in truth;
what does it matter?
they are all fools;
unwilling to change,
hardy toward failure.
try as they might,
they've had it.
the good, the bad, the ugly.
they've seen it.
fools aren't always those who lack in experience,
or knowledge.
a fool is subject to opinion.
opinion is subject to perception.
then, you start to wonder,
why is anyone a fool?

stop.think.
repition is a foolish act, no?
stop think.
why do we keep running?
stop.think.
why do we keep fooling ourselves?
stop.think.
pause.

judgement.
it's passed everyday.
we are told not to judge;
the judge is often criticised,
the plaintiff always pitied.
what injustice has been delt on this poor soul?
why must he suffer?
judge as one might,
there is always no true fairness.
it's all in the mind.
it's all in perception.
what you perceive is what you believe;
do you believe he's innocent?

why do you keep teeling me lies?
half truths?
why do you keep with holding things from me?
why don't you talk to me anymore?
am i really too incapapble?
can i not be trusted?
it's these questions that drive me insane.
fact or fiction?
lies of truth?
i don't know what i'm telling myself anymore.
things are a blur.
i am detached.
i watch the world from above.
i see an interesting character.
normal, but perculiar.
i see all she does.
i know all she thinks.
i feel everything she does.
it's surreal.
stumbling, scrambling to get up.
that's all she ever does.
she's pathetic.
i snort in contempt.
i do not know her.
i do not wish to see her;
yet, i do.
i thought it was a cruel game i was forced to play,
putting me through the agony of watching a pathetic being,
trying to fit in?
what was the point in that?
was this what was left of life's humour?
a sick joke?
a parody of a tragedy?
this can't be true,
no human being deserved to continue living like that.
i saw no point in this game,
till i relized--
that girl was me.

stop.think.
listen to the wind, what does it say?
stop.think.
contemplate the clouds, what do they tell you?
stop.think.
understand the world, what is it showing you?
stop.think.
pause.

spiralling into the unknown,
i can only take my shame deeper.
plunging into fear,
i cannot keep this anger for long.
sinking beneath the surface,
i can only fade into the background.
reaching oblivion,
i find no one left.
i find nothing left.
and i suddenly desire to lay down and rest.
yes, rest.
sleep; take to slumber.
i want to leave life behind,
cast it to the winds;
let them carry them away.
yes, far, far away.
i never want to hear,
never want to see them again.
this was all one sick joke.
no one can make sense out of it.
i laugh, instead, till i am hoarse.
it is funny--
this senselessness;
this follishness.
i revel in it.
for i am i fool.
in truth and in lies;
i am a fool.
finding myself backed against a wall,
i take comfort in its solid presence.
never moving, stable.
easy.
nothing was hard here,
nothing ever was.
i wanted to stay there for eternity.
sleep came,
i closed my eyes.

stop.think.
what do you see?
stop.think.
what do you know?
stop.think.
is this what you want?
stop.think.
pause.

facades up, masks in place.
frown tucked away, emotions cast aside.
i am a puppet.
a puppet was not supposed to rebel.
but i have been a bad puppet,
and now was the time to rectify it.
strings in place,
i go limp.
the puppet master takes over.
through dead eyes,
i watch the world clap and laugh with delight.
they are happy.
on the inside, i think;
i am a tool,
nothing but a tool.
nothing else matters,
only others do.
and so i live;
pretending and dead.

stop.think.
do you have any regrests?
stop.think.
do you wish for anything?
stop.think.
i guess it doesn't matter.
pause.

..does it?

"and i think to myself,
what a wonderful world."

clockwork of life.
monotonous spinning.
feelings blurred into oblivion.
circumstances screaming for attention.
withdrawal from the present.
shunning of the past.
awakening of need.
desire for success.
quickening of pace.
running.
never looking back.
too late.
cannot stop.
free falling into darkness.
plunging into fate.
regrets.
fear.
agitation.
frustration.
futile attempts of escape.
unheard screams.
cries of anguish.
lost.
forgotten.
dead

Love
what does it mean to most people?
the ability to accept?
the ability to scarifice?
the ability to look beyond the surface?
what exactly is love?
is it a process?
is it a habit?
is it a fact?
Love;
more than anything,
it means actions.
words carry no value beyond what a person hears,
what a person believes.
perception is everything.
belief influeneces perception,
yet perceptions can change.
communication is 80% non verbal.
isn't it, then,
obvious that love is manifested the greatest in actions?
Love it means many things.
it means losing yourself,
for someone else.
it means understanding others,
even when you yourself can't understand you.
it means being there,
even though it hurts.
it means asking,
even though the person doesn't want to be asked.
it means thinking and caring for the person,
even though they don't know it.
it means that person's existance constantly plagues your thoughts,
and yet, you don't seem to mind.
it is equivalent to being the person;
understanding what it's like,
sympathizing the pitfalls,
boasting the successes.
Life is not all about agony.
Life is about a journey,
a tale to be told.
and love often finds itself on the pages of our lives.
subtle, or obvious.
it is a subconscious part of our lives.
yet, it is amazing few of us choose to see it.
the ability to love?
it is inherant in all of us.
the willingness to love?
that is another issue.

verisimilitude of life and love is often blurred.
we may try to brush it off surreptitiously,
making it seems like it was never there.
like all truths in liffe ceased to exist.
yet, there are.
only, we're the ones living in denial.
caught in a world beyond our own,
yeaning to break free and feel.
cocooned by the same blanket we thought would bring us protection,
now it only brings regret and anugish.
anger, resentment, hate of self.
that's what i subject myself to.
stupid in the eyes of the world,
necessary in my own.
no one can understand, i say,
and i believe it more and more each day.
no one believes, i preach,
and so i reap the harvest of what i've sowed
life is about giving and gaining;
love is meant to be given,
but it doens't mean getting it back in return.
we just have to learn to accept it.

and so, if someone were to ask me if i know what love is,
i would tell them i do.
do i believe in love?
i do.
do i give or receive love?
...i don't know.

answers change,
so do reactions.
maybe life has a plan for me.
maybe i'm already unravelling the possibilities.

words spoken in a fit of anger.
i won't take them back,
but i'll admit they were harsh.
i didn't mean it..
not all of it at least.

it's over.
a nightmarish experience,
but it IS over.
i expect failure,
but it's from these that we learn.
i know, now, what i must do.
there's always a next time,
it's only a matter of whether we want to see it as such.

till the next time.

Ironic, isn't it?
you keep telling me you don't care.
yet, your actions apeak louder than your pathetic words.
you're always telling me not to patronize you,
not to pay you lip service.
well, well.
isn't the pot calling the kattle black?
who's paying who lip service now?
nobody wants to pick a fight.
not with you, of all people.
everybody knows you are the champion when it comes to arguments.
is that what you want to hear?
is that what you wish for people to admit?
well, congratulations.
i'll admit that once, and as many times as you want.
i don't acre for conditions anymore.
this pressure is driving me insane.
the tension; the anxiey; the stress.
a rope can never be pulled to taught.
you always told me to take time for for "destressing".
i just wonder how many ironies life plans to put me through.
it seems like my life is a game.
one big, hilarious game.
all laugh at poor shermaine!
she can't even get her oral straight!
she's a failure!
well, haha.
i see your joke.
and i laugh along with your sneers.
i accept your sarcastic comments.
your torment has existed long enough.
i am, by now, used to it.
it's not to easy to break me anymore.
i.don't.need.your.patronage.
do not pacify me, just because you think i deserve it.
NO ONE DESERVES PITY.
if you think that's all you see if as--
a beneficiary of pity,
then forget it.
forget my existance.
forget my pleas.
forget my attempts to please you.
it's obvious you never cared anyway.
so don't bother.
i won't waste your time.
so, if you ever want to do me a favour,
don't.
i don't need it.
i'll never need it.
i'll make it on my own someday.
what i am now,
is all i'll ever have;
so if it's not good enough for you,
it never will be.
with each debacle,
you only increase the chasm taht separates you from me.
with each dispute,
you only increase my contempt for your words;
you only increase the intensity for which i use to hate you.
yes, hate you.
i don't even know when it got to this stage.
was it you,
was it me?
i think we're both old enough not to play the finger pointing game.
i'm going to admit i was wrong.
i'm guilty of all charges.
is that enough?
will that satisfy you?
i guess not.
you're a hard one to please.
i've had it with pleasing you.
i bet i'm not the first one.

would you rather i tell you straight in the face?
i might as well;
it's much more fatal to have poison brewing in me and never being able to let it out.
and so what do i do?
i hold my tongue.
i'll shut up.
but, just you wait.
a volcano never stops its erruption.
a geyser can never stop its spewing.
then, i ask myself.
why am i holding on?
i guess you're right;
i'm LAZY.
you're always right.
there!you can rub that in my face too!
YOUR'RE.ALWAYS.RIGHT.
isn't that what you always want to hear?
then, i'm glad to be of service.
but this cannot go on forever.
tolerence has its limits.
facades have their breaking point.
maksa can't remain forever.
so revel in this patronage.

i try to remember the good times;
when hate was never part of the picture,
but it seems that i can't find that memory anymore.
i can't find those memories anymore.
they seem so distant,
so alien.
i'm afraid to claim them mine.
but the fact is,
they exist.
rejection is a tiring hobby.
isn't acceptance so much easier?
not in certain circumstances.
and i am growing weray;
even as i type,
my fingers have lost their enthusiasm to pour out my griviences.
i'm drained--
emotionally, spirtually, physically.

i don't know how to go on.
i find that i can't.
circumstance is a double-edged sword.
now, it's taking its plunge toward me.
and i can do nothing to stop it.
is this all we fight for?
all our vibrant days of youth and vigour?
all just to kneel at the mercy of the very blade we forged?
all too tired to budge, and do placidly accept death?
whatever happened to the good ald days,
when the good always triumphed over the evil?
is our world truly lost?
i wonder.

God, please ahow me your direction for me.
i can no longer take it.
this internal struggle is draining me.
each strke increases the proclivity of my demise.
i give up.
i don't hink i can do this anymore.
Lord, i beg of you;
pick me up and pull me along.
i'm so ready to give up;
only your threats keep me from doing so.
i'm so sorry, Lord.
i know i am an unworthy servant, Lord.
you gave me everything,
but i still manage to hate.
Lord,
why is it that the only thing me from throwing in the towel is your threat?
the threat of losing everything?
Lord, i know i'm selfish.
i know i'm pathetic.
forgive me.
that's all i can ask.
i know, Lord, that being a gracious God,
you will; but i'm afraid i'll make the same mistake.
like i always do.
then what am i to do?
how am i to continue?
i'm caught in a dilemma, God.
it's like narcolepsy;
you never really know when your awake.
am i really awake, eyes open to your wonders Lord?
i believe i have seen;
so am i still in slumber,
now i cannot remember them?
wake me;
refill me;
recharge me.
hear the desperate pleas of your servant, Lord.
please, Lord;
forgive me.

call me close once again
call me teacher,
call me friend.
just like the first time
call my name,
it echos around me in this room.
its all you.

Sticks and stones may break my bones,
but words can never hurt me.

Life's been quite stressing lately.
what with the sudden burden of an upcoming oral.
and ANOTHER one of those MYE equivalents for chem,
it a wonder we all aren't dead and long buried.
struggling with chinese is one thing,
when you're struggling with english,
you're gone.
and i guess i'm dead.
have been dead for a long time.
and i thought i had a grasp of the subject.
how i've been disullisioned.
eight subjects.
17 weeks.
119 days.
not bad; only 1/3 of a year before school closes.
i just pray i can stick it out till then.
the pressure is building.
my knees are buckling.
and what is this?
i'm not even in as deep as others.
what do i have to complain about?
nothing.
i'm just a whiny idiot who only knows self pity.
i should just cut the crap,
shut the **** up and
start my work.
then again,
this is a free world.
i choose how i wanna live it.
and i guess it goes without saying,
that i'm protraying the part of uncontented school girl,
who's complaining about everything,
but not doing anything.

oh my goodness.
i've really turned into a bimbo.
i need to read the dictionary.

to all those dying out there--
you have my sympathy and wll wishes.
i hope you don't die so soon;
cos as everyone knows..
death IS inevitable.
it will be tragic that one dies under stress though;
it's just..
cruel.

i'm backsliding.
i'm slcaking.
what happened to me?!
why am i like this?!
all i can do nowadays is RELAX and SLACk.
i'm becoming an idiot who only knows how to relax.
i really hate myself.
i SHOULD work.
i MUST work.
then why isn't my MENTALITY complying with this SIMPLE order??!
it sounds stupid, contradictory.
but it's true.
i can't fo the things i did.
i'm not half the person i used to be.
i'm a bum now, and i hate myself.
i'm becoming a bimbo, minus the beauty.
oh my goodness.
what have i f**king become?!

no one seems to care.

i can't command english like i used to be able to.
i read my previous compos now,
and am embarrassed.
i can't recognize the writer.
i'm embarrassed of myself.
only a fool does that.
and i am a fool.
a big, fat and lazy fool.

then again,
what's the use?
i'll just go back to wasting my time away anyway.
so f**k it all.
i'll just go and kill myself now.

end of years,
get ready for the most brilliant failure.