holidays--
a time of rest; a break.
life is full of ironies.
and that is why i'm working harder now than i did before the hols.
how stupid.
life is to be accepted, not contested.
and so i continue.

it's raining now.
just a thought.
linked to many sub-thoughts.
you have a complete analysis.
what is it like to analyse everything you see?
everything you feel?
everything others feel and do?
humans are not meant to play God.
we are not meant to understand all the truths in this world.
then, why is it that there are some who can,
even if it's just a sliver of intuition,
understand some of the greater beliefs?
is this what they call philosophy?
or is philosophy limited to discovery of the joys and pains of life?
humans are such self-centered beings.
always looking for how they can better our lives.
haha.i laugh at it all.
there are some words that dont deserve to be in the dictionary--
simply because it's all untrue.

normalacy.
that's all we admire.
security.
that's all we strive for.
happiness.
that..doesnt exist.

||
hypocritical.
pretentious.
impatient.
overbarring.
easy to anger.
unloyal.
unfaithful.
greedy.
selfish.
undetermined.
unconcentrated.
a failure

"Wouldnt take nothing for my journey now"

i'm ready.
bring it on.

ultimate deprssion.
ultimate disappointment.
it's selfish.
there's nothing i can say.
nobody who would understand.
people say alot of things.
the fact still stands.
the fact is still obvious.
it's a gone cause.
they say if you cant get it,
forget it.
easier said than done.

nobody can say anything to make it better.
it's gonna be a long wait.

one more day for them..
one more day to..

i've given up hope.
she hates me.
and that's all that matters.

why do we go on living?
..because there are things we live for?
..because there are activities we live for?
..because we have commitments to live for?
..because we have people to live for?
haha.
i find it very..strange.
they're 4 main purposes to live for,
and yet..
i cant identify with either one.
i dont have things, activities or commitments i can profess to live for.
i dont even have people to live for..
i dont even have people that i can live for..
WHAT KIND OF A SICK WORLD IS THIS?!
jumping down the building..
consuming arsenic..
overdosing of pills..
cutting..i've even done that one before..
i've thought about all of them before.
isnt it pathertic that the only thing holding me back from suicide is the fact that i'll go to hell if i do??
i hate life so much.
i really dont see a reason why i live on this Earth sometimes.
i'm too pathetic.
too miserable.
to insignificant.
might as well end it now..
but then again,
i'm the coward.
always the coward.
so i'll do what cowards do and take the easy way out.

so f---ing whiny.
i hate how i sound.
i hate everything i do.
so selfish.
i should just kill myself and stop robbing people of their rightful deserves.
I HATE LIFE!
F--K!

things can go past very quickly.
i wanna make full use of my life.
i had better.
i only live once.

to those i've hurt/wronged:
i'm sorry.
and to..you.
i'm sorry.
you probably dont understand.
it's stupid of me.
you dont deserve it.
so, if you give up on me..
i understand.
i expect you to, actually.
there's no point hanging on, babe.
i'm a piece of thrash.
please, take me out.
throw me out, leave my out.

Only hope.mandy moore
There's a song that's inside of my soul.
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold.
But you sing to me over and over and over again.

So, I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

Sing to me the song of the stars.
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again.
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now, you're my only hope.

I give you my destiny.
I'm giving you all of me.
I want your symphony, singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

Good charlotte.the world is black.
Turn on channel seven at a quarter to eight
You see the same damn thing it's just a different day and
No one really knows why this is happening
But it's happening
And everywhere you go it's just a different place
You get the same dark feeling
See the same sad faces
No one really cares that this is happening

We come into this world
And we all are the same
In that moment there's no one to blame

But the world is black
And hearts are cold
And there's no hope
That's what we're told
And we can't go back
It won't be the same
Forever changed
By the things we say

Living in this place it's always been this way
There's no one doing nothing so there's nothing changed
And I can't live when this world just keeps dying
It's dying
People always tell me this is part of the plan
That God's got everybody in his hands
But I can only pray that God is listening
Is he listening?

We're living in this world
Growing colder everyday
Nothing can stay perfect now I say

But the world is black
And hearts are cold
And there's no hope
That's what we're told
And we can't go back
It won't be the same
Forever changed
By the things we say

We come into this world
And we all are the same
And in that moment there's no one to blame
But we're living in this world
Growing colder everyday
Nothing can stay perfect now I say

The world is black
And hearts are cold
There's no hope
That's what we're told
And we can't go back
It won't be the same
Forever changed
By the things we say

Turn on channel seven at a quarter to eight
You see the same damn thing it's just a different day
And no one really knows why this is happening

anger.
resentment.
hate.
fires flare.

agitation.
irritation.
agony.
suffering in silence.

fear.
indecisiveness.
apprehension.
a bit lip.

anticipation.
longing.
dread.
awaiting the moment.

turmulous.
clouded.
crashes.
the future is bleak.

depression.
reclusion.
insanity.
behind a closed door.

serenity.
happiness.
perfection.
a lost cause.

hope.
joy.
love.
the smile is gone.

deceit.
facades.
lies.
that's all that remains.

transparency.
broken.
discocered.
cowering in the darkness.

dillusioned.
scared.
unprepared.
how does this end?

what, now?
what, then?
what, next time?
choices.

unbidden.
forgotten.
ignored.
i rest my case.

maybe i'm the only one who's THIS affected.
maybe i'm the one who enjoys it the most.
maybe i'm the most pathetic.
maybe i'm the one who hasnt changed as much.
but.
i know today was one of the best times of my life.
seriously.
people will probably wonder why.
why i didnt cherish my birthday..more.
i have no answer for them.
i have no answer for you.
but i do know this --
i love my Hotfamily like life itself.
i'd die without them.
cannot live without them, you see?
and i know,
i pray..
it'll last forever.
till that is,
we grow old and..
die..(:

the Hots are meeting tomorrow.
the past catch up with the present.
the old meet with the new.
reminiscence confronts reality.
it's interesting.
it's comforting.
i look forward to it.

it's refuge.
from the synchorous on goings of the world.
from the placid and irritable clockwork of the world.
from the monotonous happenings.
from the presumed phychic of the world.
from hate.
from anger.
from animosity.
from depression.
from rejection.
yes, i look forward to it very much.
the only refuge from the cruel world.
the only solace in the harsh society.
not that everyone would know the context of that...

i just look forward to it anyway.
cross country day.
we're one.
it's our first aniversary.
a year of friendship,
love,
and camaraderie.
we reminisce.

this is the last of illusions.
this is the final trace of innocence.
if i'm caught in the middle,
i know it would be,
the end of me.

...a hypocrite?
i dont know anymore.

Sometimes,
things cant be forgiven easily.
cannot be forgotten easily.
cannot be gotten over easily.
sometimes,
the incident stays with us;
burning every detail into our anguished selves,
and carving hatred into every cravice of consciousness.
no, it can never be forgotten easily...

then again,
sometimes there is nothing to forgive.
you have to search within yourself,
to know if there is or isnt.

self doubt or assurance might be fatal.
it's YOUR funeral.

life's a life long discovery.
you're always discovering who you are,
who you're meant to be,
what drives you,
what makes you happy,
what makes you depressed,
what your ultimate goal is.
it's a process requiring patience,
determination,
and the desire for that knowledge.
philosophers spend their whole lives studing life,
analyzing life,
but why cant they ever crack the code of life?
..because there is no code.
it can be defined by many people,
it can have so many different definitions.
it all depends on our view of it.
will we let angst and pride cloud our eternal visage?
or let serenity and hope define our actions?
it's a never ending battle of these 2 elements.
often, we find outselves drowning in
depression and angst.
it almost seems like there's no way out.
we keep swimming,
but it's a vast ocean,
and we're getting tired.
do we alow ourselves to be carried away then?
carried away by the torrents of defeat?
i once thought that that was the most sensible choice.
but, i was a coward.
there is no such thing as immediate relef when one gives up.
because, just as i was about to sink below the surface,
a lifeboat came along.
and i know that's true for everyone.
everyone has his or her own lifeboat;
all we have to do is struggle to keep awake,
uncloud our vision, and see it.
it's simple.
so simple.
just believe.
just believe...

it's not so bad now.
so many things seem easier.
so many things seem less complicated.
i doubt they were complicated to begin with.
so many things have been brought into the light;
and i'm grateful for that.
so very grateful.
now, all i need to do is...
continue living.

life is a road;
i wanna keep going.
life is a river;
i wanna keep flowing.
life is a road,
now and forever,
wonderful journey.

i'm happy today.
very happy.
maybe a little worried,
and depressed.
but overall, happy.
thanks you guys.
thanks for shwing me the love(:

As each day passes,
i become more and more incomptent;
more and more unworthy of being in my class.
i should be..
disciplined.
focused.
committed.
but am i?
to my studies,
and everything else,
i'm not.
i'm detached from the world.
floating and drifting away.
will i swim back?
or just float along the current of life?
i dont know...

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Very High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Very High

JIMMY EAT WORLD.THE MIDDLE.
Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best,
try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves,
when you're away.

It just takes some time,
little girl you're in the middle,
it'll up the ride.
Everything will be just fine,
everything will be allright.

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own,
so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

It just takes some time,
little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine,
everything will be allright.
It just takes some time,
little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine,
everything will be alright.

This should be my anthem..

i've disappointed.
i'm sorry.

i've lost to myself.
i'm sorry.

i'm incompetent.
i'm sorry.

i couldnt get a hold of myself.
i'm sorry.

i have people who care.
question mark, exclamation mark, full stop.
how does it end?
i only have to answer to myself.
myself
i dont want to disappoint.
i dont want to put myself in more trouble.
i dont want to jepordize my already precarious position.
i dont want anything to happen.

but i cant make that happen.
who am i?!
one SMALL, INSIGNIFICANT speck,
in this VAST universe.
WHAT CAN I DO?!
WHO AM I TO SAY ANYTHING?!
call it inferiority.
call it delusion.
call it whatever you like.
but.
one thing's for sure.
i am who i am.
i know what i perceive.
and nothing will change that;
unless..
i see the change for myself.

or in other words...




















never.

Today, i thought about life.
haha.dont i always?
people keep saying life isnt meaningless;
that it's just waiting to be discovered.
after living on this earth for 15 years,
i'm still wondering if there IS anything left to be discovered.
experiences and constant pondering,
have given me insights into life i thought didnt exist.
they have taught me things,
that i never dreamed of learning at this age.
maybe it's a habit,
maybe it's my character.
but i can never stop think.
it's not a choice,
it's an occurance;
an irritating occurance.
the finer things of life are picked up,
the smaller things dont go unseen.
i discover things that others might not.
a blessing?
a curse?
the road is wide.
then, i think to myelf;
if living now is so hard,
wont it get worse as time passes?
what about adultahood, the shedding of adolescent wings?
what about the approaching of mid-life and its crisis?
what about old age and dependance?
i think about these and i wonder;
wonder how i'm going to survive such a pensive life,
such a observant life.
i wonder, but i have no answers.
maybe the answers are along the road of life,
waiting for discovery.
maybe the answers aren't fixed,
maybe there are no answers.
i dont know.
but, it would be nice to find out.
maybe this transition period is going to end;
maybe it has just started.
i dont know, again.
but, i KNOW i will get the answers i need.

then, life doesnt seem so bleak anymore.
life doesnt seem so meaningless.
there's so much discovery.
there's so much to be learnt.
learning's a never-ending process.
do i have the patience?
do i have the perseverance?
it's all part of the discovery.
and for a moment,
a split second,
it all seems worth it.
optimism is flowing,
and life is suddenly interesting again.
but.
it's only for a split second.
then, latent depression sets in again.
i guess that IS life.
the interpretation of it,
the learning,
the SURVIVING.
the whole process is life.
there's no definition to it,
like many things in life.
but rather, a composition of sorrows,
joys, anger,
and a whole lot of other elements.

living life like looking through a kaleidoscope;
one picture,
so many images.

ahh.the work life.
stressful, monotonous.
it's all the same.
the same cycle everyday.
get up, school, work, sleep.
what's the meaning in this kind of life?
i see no meaning.
i dont want to live it anymore.
but do we have a choice?
apparently not.

the social life.
fun, unpredictable.
it's so idealistic.
all you ever do is socialize.
does this life have a meaning?
why, then, does everyone want to live it?
is it really all it's cracked up to be?
i wonder.

sigh.
i devote myself to a predicatble life.
reliabilty over dangerous enticement.
i was never that kind of preson.
i doubt i'll ever be.
secrurity over living on the edge.
i was never a person for living like i was dying.
stabilty and security.
that's all i want in life.
i wonder if "fun" and "happiness" id really worth it.
people gamble with their lives for these to elements.
i wonder how they live it.
"fun"?
"happiness"?
these seem so foreign to me.
i wonder if i'll ever know what they truly mean...