Have you ever been there;
in a place where you regret everything you've done,
everything you've said?
when memories flash by,
reminding you of the person you could've been,
but not are?

Have you ever been there;
in a place of no consequence,
where things move monotonously?
when you can't tell the past from the present,
confused about everything that lies behind,
in front, or BEFORE you?

Have you ever been there;
in a place where you see the possible future,
and what you would do, in time to come?
have you ever been afriad of teh thigns you MIGHT do,
have you ever feared the reoccurance of a mistake,
espcially a big one?

Sometimes, i don't know where i am.
sometimes, i don't know WHO i am.
the scariest thing is that sometimes,
we don't bother.
i'm losing sight of the things before me,
i don't know what i'm supposed to do NOW.
lost meanings, blurred lines.
how can we exist without purpose?

are we living, or merely existing?
sometimes, i wonder.

someone just told me to 'not be too afraid'.
it's comical how that applies to every aspect of life.
we lose, we gain.
at teh end of the day,
will THEY stay?

sometimes, i wonder.

That quiet desperation;
a plea for help, perhaps.
trapped, alone, smothered.
there is seemingly no way out.
so many things lie ahead,
and there IS only one road to take.
you had come so far...
to give it all up now?

sometimes, i'd like to think ignoreance was bliss;
that expectation never really befell the ignorant.
they were blissfully unaware of what the society expected,
of what others expected.
perhaps, then, they didn't have any presonal expectations.
nothing to mould their future, nothing to shape their thoughts.
isn't that a scary thought;
not to have any backing, not to have skeletal beliefs.
what does it mean to live, when you're ignorant?
would we rather be 'blissful', then?

sometimes, the choices we make lead us to more choices;
innumerable number of roads to walk down,
countless decisions to make.
yet, at each and every crossroad we come to,
sensations are different; predicaments are different.
can we trust TRENDS, then?
the superstitious believe in a certain trend that governs all else;
that a particular action would DEFINITELY lead to a particular outcome.
no wonder there are the sceptics;
nothing's ever the same.

life then, life now;
if they were meant to be different?
why do they feel the same?
that monotony, the feeling we're PULLED along to SOMEWHERE.
we are expected to 'perform' this year.
expected by society?expected by self?
WHICH IS WORSE?
i guess we all some to a point where we no longer know who's expectations we're living up to.
after all, society shapes who we are,
and what we expect of ourselves.
BUT, humans can only take SO much.
when do we crack, when do we burst?
i don't want to see the day,
yet, i have a feeling it's inevitable.

strange, isn't it;
that we're all supposedly 'unique',
but at the end of the day,
we only have personal betterment in mind.
the process of getting there, eh?
perhaps, just perhaps...

daunting.
yet, exciting.
caught in the limbo between anxiety and anticipation,
and i finally realise that the line has been blurred.
then again, who am i to judge?
so many before me, so many among us;
all equally if noe MORE talented.
who am i to feel such pressure?

i wonder when i'll ever be as good as the rest.
perhaps, never.
then again, only we can live for ourselves.
so why bother about the rest?

GAH.i think schizophrenia's inborn.
it's how much you show it that determines whether or not you're a nut case.

Just had another random phone call.
i wonder if we'll leave an impact when we leave,
the way our seniors impacted us..

GOOD LUCK IN AJ!

Leaders' Investiture 2006.
it was great!(:
all the committess, the commitment, the HARD WORK.
everything paid off yesterday.
the feedback waa good, we felt great.
what more could we have asked for?
to think it was our last investiture...

DECO COMM:
Y'ALL ROCK MY SOCKS OFF!
everything we did together-
the PAINTING, the SQUISHY PAINT, the STYROFOAM, the RETARDED BANNER PAINTING, the GLITTER, the BALLS (christmas and PINK AND GREEN ones), the CLOTH, the RIBBONS, the WORDS, the CELLOPHANE.
everything looked great yesterday.(:
thanks to all those who helped out(:
evelyn and i went back into the MPH to take photos of ALL the deco put up..
so, expect to see the pics soon!(:
deco comm 06 rocks!

IT COMM:
GOSH.the ones who work the latest.
all yopur lat night [aid off!
the videos were GREAT!(: (:
all of you DESERVE A BREAK.
SLEEP MORE!
thanks, IT comm, for the times we bummed at belle's house too.
a few more for the memories!(:

THE REST OF THE COMMS:
thanks for everything!(:
it all came together very nicely yesterday(:
thanks for helping out with deco too(:

THE PLAY PEOPLE:
the numerous rehearsals, the constant editing of the script, EVERYTHING.
i'll miss EVERYTHING.
thank you DIRECTORS; i don't think we would've gotten into character as easily as we did, without them(:
thank you CHARACTERS!the line running, the nervous fits, the weird warm-ups, the AM CHIO-ING, the LAUGHING.haha, i enjoyed myself(: the characters were great!(: [jasna/PMthegreat;kelsey/#AG74;devika/SG#1/manyara)
thank you dancers!hahahaha, I LOVED THE DANCES!(: (:

SEC 4 PCs 06:
we'll continue to rock.
I had fun at swensens.
the spastic photo taking, the GOSSIPING (ohsocharmingzl!), the SLOW eating, the MESSY EATER, the salt and pepper drink, the ice cream we couldn't finish, the LAUGHING..the bonding.
another thing to remember the pcs by.
i can't believe it's all gonna end 8 months down the road.
take care, y'all..take care.

I'll miss the rehearsals.[eventhoughtheyweretimeconsuming,frustratingandheadache-causing]
All the times ***** did HIGH-KNEE LIFTS.
the very loud whispering.
the lunches after rehearsals.
the talking before/during/after the rehearsals.
the bumming at belle's house.
the gossiping.
the LAUGHING. [okay, so we laughed alot..]
EVERYTHING.

our best one yet,
our best one yet...

THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
okay, maybe not yet, but they'll be in a few hours.
then again, when did they ever start?
WORK + INVEST REHEARSALS + DECOM COMM MEETINGS(a FEW of you rock(: ) = NO TIME FOR ANYTHING ELSE.
okay, maybe a few activitie.
but only a SLECET FEW.
sheesh.here are those which matter:
monday 13/3 -
invest rehearsal from 8 - 12-ish.
lunch with phy, khong and daddy.
EXAHNGED INFO.aherrmmm.
obsessions~!..haha, and the ohsoyummy CHICKEN RICE(:
tuesday 14/3 -
invest rehearsal from 8 - 1-ish.
sheesh; had a serious deco comm meeting (minues the EXTRAS) + smoothed out the kinks in the play/skit thingy. [reka + lilin + achala = great group of directors(: ]
planned to go out with the muthus, but ended up catching lunch with zhen luan, belle, TEH and arica at joo seng; WHILE waiting for our pizza.(muthus present: phy, khong, dhilshad)
bummed at belle's house while 1)watching the IT comm stress out 2)trying VERY HARD to finish out pizzas 3)watching the dvd of 19022005 [i miss the instructor days ): ): ] ARICA, TEH!no telling what you saw ;) 4)being VERY stalker-ish and gaining something :x 5)reminded of how close khong and i used to beand that we ARE childhood friends. hurhur. 6)getting stressed over deco stuff
i had a good time - reminiscing, bonding, and creating new memories.
some things just stick with you, even after tim has passed...
wednesday 15/3 -
went back to school for deco.
gosh, HOW EVELYN, ARICA AND I PANICKED!
not to mention, got pissed.
SIGH.some things never change...
thank goodness TEH came along to help and take pics :p
DHILSHAD came to help TIDY UP, when all of the WORK WAS DONE x)
went to get the qi1mao2mi2fen3 before going to belle's house for lunch.
SINING WAS THERE!(: (: haha, but she was sick ):
we watched the IT comm ppl slog it out again..poor things..
but the video came VERY NICELY together(: (:
arica and i TRIED to do some deco stuff, but failed miserably :p
THANKS TO SINING FOR THE HELP(:
haha, then the last half hr - 45mins were spent very narcisisstically taking photos,
but having a good laugh/time as well.
[ohsochio zhen luan with the specs atop her head!]
cabbed to tuition with zhen luan after.
thursday 16/3 -
final invest rehearsal for the hols.
met phy, tata and khong for bfast
(meeting pei chun and BALA there)
walked to school, then did work (in defiance) in the canteen.
joined the rest in the MPH at 11.
DID DECO STUFF TILL THE REHEARSAL STARTED.
the rehearsal was ok..with funny anecdotes throughout..
['what number can i call you at?']
then the PLAY VATTING.
sheesh.panic doesn't help anything.
changed the script quite a bit,
then went to sp macs with achala, amelia, dhilshad and novabelle.
HURHUR.nice meal.then OFF HOME~!
decided to ahve THE GOOD, LONG TALK THAT NIGHT.
nice.ahem, thanks.(:
[i'm positive my heart's liquid now :p ]
friday 17/3 -
woke up LATE, bummed around.
did almost NOTHING.
then got ready for tuition + the HOTdinner.
zhen luan looked like a GUY.
ohh well.the bubbly chocolate was nice~!(:
haha, the dinner was fun(: the CACAT bus ride there was very..
attention grabbing.
(ahem, 'thank goodness we aren't in school u.'?)
exhange of info = alot of laughing
catching up + a round of truth or dare + girly magazine reading = wishing the night would never end.
but, it did.sigh.SLEEP OVER, next time?
cabbed home with zhen luan and jazzy.
saturday 18/3 -
DID WORK.

yup, needless to say, it's been a pretty boring week.
sigh.

i'm still suffering from OAC withdrawal.
symptoms include: -
1.wishing for OAC days to return.
2.pining for milo and LEMON biscuits.
3.wanted to wash dishes.
4.eating as fast as humanly possible.
5.searching for a marker and masking tape to write one's name
6.looking around for *the muthus *the kitchen dept *other random leaders + instructors.
7.having obsessive compulsice disorder when sweeping.
8.suddenly jumping up, ready for a game of pepsi-cola.
9.wanting to sleep on the floor.
10.randomly plopping on the ground (cepat mati)

gosh.it's only been 2 weeks?
i wonder what will happen to us in 2 months..

i miss the chief, asst chiefs and leaders.
i miss the instructors.

One, LONG conversation with a GOOD, OLD friend.
haha, so many things have happened;
but thank God, i was reminded of how good it felt to talk(:
thank you, scandalous OLD friend(:

and, ahem. *HEART MELTS!*(:

It feels so weird to be home.
6 days changed so many things;
i wonder how i ever dreaded it.
everything about it was amazing, magical.
and now, i miss it badly.
VERY badly.
i'll miss the INTRUCTORS.
the good times the LEADERS had.
the random quotes from CHIEF and the ASST CHIEFS.
(even our kitchen brudders)
HAH.6 days, 5 nights - amazing.

day 1 - WOOHOO!!reached LAC.dumped stuff in dorms, went to do kitchen stuff.FINALLY GOT TO MEET SURIA.HAHA.right, so we were washing the beverage coolers and everything, getting used to our kitchen too.then, bin wei and i went for GATE DUTY.(: we sat, and talked..then dragged DHILSHAD THE ROCK and SURIA to join us(: we BONDED as a dept and HAD A GOOD TIME. (ahem, 'DOLLY PARTON' and the horny bees.the ambitions, the personal facts.[BLACK BELT SURIA].the dept pic...) THEN, DINNER.rushed, loud, busy.but we loved it anyway(: INAUGURAL DUMPING OF DINNER ON A PLATE AND EATING IT TOGETHER! record: 3mins.(: THEN, ASTRONOMY.WE SAW SATURN!and ORION'S BELT!and TAURUS AND SIRIUS!and MARS!(: haha, and of course, we had a good time crapping (BOMBING) etc(: too bad bin wei wasn't there ): ahh well.went back to LAC for debrief and NIGHT CAP (PEANUT BUTTER BISCUITS!LEMON BISCUITS!), then LEADERS/INTRUSTORS DEBRIEF.two words: thank goodness. MOVING ON..(: SENTRY!!!!(: (: aah.got the sucky 2am-4am slot, but thank goodness the company was relatively good(: i was with XIUQI, SURIA, KATHLEEN and BIRU.hah(: slack, sleepy, surprising(: but, it was all good(: [i was DARN surprised by what i saw SOMEONE doing at THREE AM IN T&HE MORNING!]

day 2 - i THINK we had tower(: ahem, KITCHEN took the INITIATIVE to refill PEOPLE'S WATER BOTTLES cos we KNOW that most suffered from dehydration last year..so, we had to change it, right?(: AND!!!we got to rule OAC, even if it was for 10 mins. (CHAN, MALI, CHAN, HOI HOI!) it was DARN fun(: dhilshad's funny.(: AND WE ABSEILED!!!(: (: i'll always remember how it felt like to go down the 'spiderman way'.THANK YOU, INSTRUCTOR IVAN! woohoo!then dhil climbed the ROCK WALL! bin wei came back to see it too! then a certain SOMEONE ran away when the LEADERS asked her to see dhil climbing.so sad ): OH WELL. :p haha, BUT DHILSHAD WAS GREAT!!(: (: lunch was rather uneventful, but we could see SOMEONE improving..and it was..good.we were happy(: HAH.then it was off to slacking at the first aid base i think(: I SLEPT!whoops. :p but it was good bonding time with the kitchen dept too.(: (i called someone using my pencil case!) then we received..disturbing..news.if any one of you read this, jiayou.it's over..and i think you guys did great(: 'truly, madly, deeply'; i really believe so.cyring's good for the mind, body and soul..so..(: i'm glad y'all did it(: and the kithen dept rocks.really.if dhil/bin wei reads this, I'LL BE HERE FOR YOU, ALWAYS!..remember day 2 night? 'i think i'm going to BOMB soon, i'm starting to FART already' - phy.haha(: the talking, the laughing(: the SENSUAL SOUNDS, courtesy of dhilshad, the AM chio-ing and everything in between.EVEN THE BRUISE RUBBING..(: you guys rock.then, NIGHT CAP!BATHING TIME!!(: the showing group!(phy, kitchen dept, tata..)and OFF TO BED!(: (no debrief!) had prayers with lilin, phy and cheryl too.(: God blessed this camp.i know it.WE know it.(: and that concludes day 2..(:

[part 2]
day 3 - CAMPFIRE PREP!FIRST ACT!haha, i was waking around with dhilshad initially, refilling and stuff before stopping by the COURTYARD.sining and i did something retarded.ahem!raisingourhandsuprandomlytoconfusetheinstructors (: (: wahoo!haha, and poor SOMEONE and SOMEONE2.cheer up both SOMEONEs!*writingonthehand..* then LUNCH!(: ahhh..SOMEONE was improving(: i THINK lunch was rushed too(: HMM.then we had, THE CRUISE.tsk!***** and other leaders were falling asleep!but it was so darn hot/sunny/windy.super nice la(: AND I GOT SLIGHTLY RED-ER COS I WAS SITTING IN THE FRONT!(: *looks pleased* anyway..kusu island was the same, as last year.only we saw the turtles alot more(: haha, siying and dolly were scaring the campers with their fake-fierce thing(: TSK!(: ahha, and the journey back to LAC was spent taking pics and trying to eavesdorp in the instructors' conversation x) ohh well.misson: unsuccessful.then again, we DID manage to find out random stuff bout a certain SOMEONE.lame ass, INDEED. :p haha, then it was BACK TO CAMP!dinner went on as usual(: but with certain complications.to our sun: IT AIN'T YOUR FAULT.and all of us agree that you did BRILLIANTLY(: *nods* (: then the kitchen dept decided to have a NICE, LONG, TALK(: ahh, yes.memories were dug up, things confornted; but it was all good(: i saw a side of my darling ROCK and STONE i never saw before..and it was conforting to know that they shared it(: kitchen ROCKS(: haha, then NIGHT CAP!(: MILO MAKING(: i love the way all four of us would crowd round that singular, PATHETIC water coler, in attempt to create NICE, nottoosweet milo(: [the rotation of the TESTING spoon! :p]and of course, the BISCUIT RATIONING!campers = monsters during night cap.TERRIBLE!then again, it only goes to show that OUR night cap is good(: HAHA.then, bonding time with the leaders while tata and rachel gave the AR and LC briefing.(: more random grinning and waving(: haha, OALs 05-06 rock(: haha, then bath time and LIGHTS OUT!caught up with the muthus too(: it's nice talking with all your heads against one another's(: i had fun(: and phy's sleeping bag rocks!(:

day 4 - haha, expressions: WE SLEPT!FOR THREE WHOLE HOURS! pro-ness.then again, most were sleeping..so.. :p phy's sleeping bag is nice and soft and warm!(: haha, LUNCH!(: = happy/proud(: hha, i think we had campfire prep after that(: 3C and the polar bear game!(: ultra super cute(: ahem CHERYL LWIN AND SURIA = evil polar bears(: and stupid dancing khong and i did when we thought NO ONE WAS LOOKING :p ohh well(: haha, then...THE ULTRA SUPER COOL AND FUN PEPSI COLA GAME!!(: leaders vs instructors(: HAHA(: suria + CHERYL *TRIES to stare down* + arica = one MEAN game(: esp that SURIA.killed so many ppl, eh?haha, but it was all good.we had fun(: all of us(: i'll miss those games for a VERY long time to come.. ): ahh well, then DINNER!HAHAHA.then following that.,.we had the ohsoretarded MARCHING THING!..goodness.suria and sarah must have had a field day laughing at all their leaders.CACAT!!!haha, 'the birth of the cepat mati squad'(: i'm gonna miss that BADLY.sigh..haha, even ACM joined in!(: hilarious!haha, then SOMETHING happened.marathon indeed, eh?(: ..night cap..and the FIRST BATCH OF MILO SOMEONE MADE ON HER OWN!(well, mostly on her own anyway :p) night cap was GOOD.more rationing + second round of milo = FULL campers(: haha, then bathign time!i think lilin, cheryl chin, phy, shaoyu and i had bs with mr sng that day.it was..enlightening(:

day 5 - sigh.second last day of camp ): shin wei and sruia went of for AR and LC respectively, so dhilshad and i walked round randomly/slacked(: i think some slacking with phy was also in order(: then..ACM and i went up to join expressions.HAHA.then we randomly called ADLIN out to teacher her cepat mati!one word: ADORABLE!!:p whoops, random.haha, then, LUNCH!bin wei, phy and i were sleeping in the dining hall when suddenly a gp of campers asked for permission to enter.ALL OF US jumped up immediately, but subsequently fell asleep AGAIN, on the table :p but lunch was good, and getting better ;) after lunch, we continued to slack in the kitchen(: the kitchen dept TRIED to write SOMETHING, but ended up doodling on my foolscap (i still keep it!) and stoning(: belle, phy and i started to sing random songs..(: all of which were attentively listened to by a SINGLE low zhun luan.sigh(: haha, but it was fun(: then, the INSTRUCTORS JOINED US!they ASKED, if they had ANYTHING to do..so..we asked them to plkay PEPSI COLA with us(: it was DURIAN, MULAN, suria and cheryl vs belle, zhen luan, shin wei and i(: haha, it got more fun later, with dhilshad smaking ppl's butts with the microphone-pen(: [BUTT FETISH! :p]haha, darn fun(: then..after seeeing to CERTAIN MATTERS..kitchen was off to the dorms to (finally) write our SOMETHING!haha, we tried to make it meaningful and as memorable as possible..soo..(: haha, then we gave it to our sun, in hope that it made her happy(: huggs + billy banja-ing + sheepish grins + peering at photos and notebooks = happy kitchen dept(: haha, then..we had the ALL MIGHTY..CAMPFIRE!..the leaders vowed to be most enthu, to make our last campfire in our capacity as leaders more..fun(: everything went well..BRILLINT FIREBALL, SINING(: and the cf dept was pro too(: I LOVED the fire!(: haha, all the cf items were super adorable too!(: (ahem! HAHA's sister, 'jennifer NOT dao and suria DAO' :p) then..the INSTRUCTORS' ITEM!(: it was DARN cute(: and amusing(: haha(: then..the ncc ppl were called away, right after their item and just before ours.note + goodbye = tears of joy/sorrow.sigh.then our item(: CEPAT MATI!, 'MORE BIRDS, MORE LUCK', 'GOLD 90 FM', '3G PHONES', 'PINGPONGPOO!SOOKOOKOO!'..haha, amusing(: and fun(: lots of fun(: still, our hearts broke when we remembered that _____________. ): ohh well.but night cap was great(: 2 rounds of milo + finished biscuits = satisfied everyone(: (sorry phy!) HAH!debrief was PANICKY; cos we suddenly remembered that _____________. ): aiiyyee.then, the last night of camp.we were rushed off to the showers where the newly formed muthu family TALKED(: before, during and after shower(: I LOVE MY PAPA, MAMA, GIRL, BOY AND CURRY!(: the muthus rock(: (: haha, then..at about 1 or 2?..we all slept!(:

day 6 - last day of oac.fire drill at 5am.was..sleepy.sigh.then, we all woke up late for breakfast; only for kitchen to realise we didn't have _____ any more ): ohh well.PORRIDGE!then mass cleaning up.heart breaking as it was to pack up and leave, we did.and it was back to cedar.the bus trip home was fun(: singing songs, reminiscing.(: everyone loved it(: then, back to school for debrief.fdc ppl: CHEER UP(: everyone's behind you(: random.whoops.right, then the leaders went to pp macs, only to find a whole table of instructors there(: we had fun..inter-table talking and fun on the spider web(: a short, meningful bonding session. (not it's last, i hope)..

..i'm gonna miss the leaders and instructors.
(espcially the understudies).


every word brings back a memory.
and i even then, i know that words will NEVER be enough..

'you'll be in my heart'
OALs, instructors...

OAC 2006.
i'm left speechless.
so many good times, too mnay new memories.
revivial of some things in the past.
things change, people change;
but some things never will.

THANK YOU CHIEF, ASSISTANT CHIEFS AND LEADERS.
thank you, kitchen, for everything.
(ahem, "credit must be given to suria...")
the best camp i've had yet.
the memories will stay forever.

"'cos you'll be in my heart;
yes, you'll be in my heart.
from this day on,
now and forever more"

"as we go on, we remember all the times we had together.
(as leaders AND intrustors)
and as our lives change, come whatever,
WE WILL STILL BE FRIENDS FOREVER"

"CEPAT MATI", "CACAT"
the hose.the squirting.
the 'ang chio'-ing.
the nick-naming.
the milo-making.
the crying.
the talking.
the laughing.
everything...

OAC 2006;
forever and always.

OAC's in 2 days.
our "last" camp.
our "last" campfire.
everything will come together during oac,
and finally reach a huge finale.
aah yes, things have defnitely changed.
we are no longer INSTRUCTORS.
we're LEADERS now.
i wonder if that means anything more than our predecessors,
or anything less than what's expected of us.
only time will tell.
our beloved kitchen in Labrador campsite..
here the kitchen dept comes.
PILE THE FOOD, BABY.

That bitch will have to take back her words one day.
i hope that when she does,
she'll REGRET it like never before.
she's not as cool as she thinks.
"****" man.HAH.
impressive?
..i think not.

hmmm, another person.
we thought it'd be easier to keep it tight between US,
but look; it's disappearing.
i don't know what it was,
or why this IS so sudden,
but i know that none of us wanted it to happen.
you're suddenly so far away;
and we're left behind, or starnded,
wondering what we did or what went wrong.
we were SO CLOSE.
everyday, every minute.
till our bills exploded, remember?
haha, i loved those times;
when we could share freely.
it's not impossible to bring that all back,
we just need to try --
try our HARDEST, try our BEST.
and if God wills it,
it'll all come back,
WITH A VENGENCE.

darling, i was thinking about it too.
and i'm as confused as you.
hopefully, we'll be able to work it out,
and bring our last third back.

The JYC publicity committee 2005 forever...

Like a prick in the dark;
it still hurts.
i don't know HOW, and don't know WHY.
i JUST KNOW i does.
i cannot see it, yet i know.
it's one of those unforgettable things;
everything -- it's just hard to forget.

BUT, perhaps, i need to..

God sustain me.
make me all YOU want me TO BE,
for YOUR will be DONE.