//Solitude.
No more screaming voices.
No more hushed speculation.
No more expectation from the world.
She was alone.
She could finally be herself.
..but.
did she remember how to?
she couldn't remember the last time she was truly..
her.
all that pretending.
all those lies.
weren't they her life?
didn't she live and breathe deceit?
she was a walking lie
the epitome of deception.
ahh.
no wonder she had forgotten how to live.
she always thought of others first.
their opinions.
their perceptions of her.
it was a twisted idea.
she couldn't remember when she got so defensive,
when she cared so much.
but.
the fact was..she did.
and it killed her each day,
knowing that she was waking up to yet another day of pretending.
she thought she had no choice.
little did she know..
she had already did.
and now..
this was the price she had to pay.//

jealousy;
turning saints into the sea.
swimming through sich lullabies.
choking on your alibis.
but it's just the price i pay,
destiny's calling me...
'cos...
i'm mr brightside.
>>the killers.mr brightside.

haha.
this is how stupid life gets.
you reveal because you think life's finally become better.
but hey,
you're proven wrong again.
wham.
there goes your confidence in life.
and there goes your hopes,
fears,
dreams,
wishes.
then again,
you're never worth it are you?
i wonder how others would feel..
to be ignored?
to be placed below others?
haha.
not in my world,
they dont.
no..
high fliers,
all of them.
not one backward glance at the little ones..
the trailers.
we're MEANT to be left behind.
we make others feel better.
we make them seem important.
we're the alternatives.
ever the alternatives.
haha.
i wonder what it's like..
to TRULY belong?
maybe i already know,
but sad to say..
i've forgotten.
and you know what's the best thing?
there're always expectations.
they expect you to act a certain way..
no...
cannot let that mask fall.
it'll lead to condemnation for life.
no...
never that option.
then, i gues,
we dont really have a choice,
do we?
all we little people do is suffer.
outwardly ew're fine,
we really ok.
but you never know what's on the inside.
and do people really care?
of COURSE they dont.
you were MEANT to live in someone's shadow.
you're MEANT to be forgotten;
placed in the backseat of someone's life.
there is no other choice.
then again,
you CHOSE this life,
when you werent good enough.
you CHOSE this life,
when others dont see you for who you are.
you CHOSE this life,
when you've got something that irritates others.
you CHOSE this life,
by being you.
haha.
i love my life.
i love adaptations.
i love reality.
everything seems so perfect,
so normal.
yes, yes.
we should be ever the optimist.
ever the optimist...

and guess what?
it's all gonna end soon.
soon, i tell you..
SOON.
hahahaha.
the end.
hahahahaha.

Your indifference
Your cold words
Your fake actions
Your lies

My attention
My admiration
My trust
My belief

Your smirk
My smile
Your demands
My giving
Your help
My helplessness

I thought we were friends?

Your useless affirmations
Your demanding nature
Your infuriating insolence

I thought we were friends?

My unconditional respect
My yearn to follow
My perception of your liberty

I thought we were friends?

Your snickers and coldness
Your lies and your hidden hate
Your reticent deceit

I thought we were friends?

Seeped through scorn
Once-concealed contempt
Revealed arrogance
Hurting words

I can't think.

Desperate words
Frantic to please
Fraught to gain respect

Wasn't my mind once filled with your "kindness"?

Sudden enmity
Faded warmth
Lack of emotion

I refuse to think.

A broken heart
A cold, shimmering tear
Stained with the hatred of you

You are not worth my thinking.

>>written by Kaze of the Sand.
it's amazing how alike two people can be,
and yet at the same time be so diferent.
life is fascinating.

She smiled.
For once in a very long time, she smiled.
It was so peaceful here.
It was sunset,
where the sun met the horizon,
and dyed the sky in a faint reddish hue.
She suddenly laughed at the irony of it all;
people fought so hard to enjoy the beauty of life,
yet ignore the simple magnificence of this natural phenomena.
The human race suddenly seemed so stupid to her;
always striving for perfection,
even though they know they can only come close.
It was like reaching for an invisible target,
the desperation acting as a blindfold,
covering up little bits of information that could have made life more meaningful.
At the end of it all,
where did she stand?
She tried so hard to keep up,
even though she knew she was not capable of doing that.
She was forever trailing,
"eating people's dust".
How could she have been so blind?
Cynical spasms of laughter escaped her lips.
They did always say,
"better late then never".
She looked reality stright in the eye for the first time,
she was first shocked by its cruelty,
then she noticed a flicker of reverence.
A sligh flicker,
but a weakness, nevertheless.
She was satisfied.
She knew the truth now.
But, the satisfaction and serenity would not last for long.
As she peered over her dangling feet,
she was scared for the first time.

She had always had a fear of heights.

Some people just piss me off.
sorry guys.
hope you had fun..

*[sunburned//
colar line, HIGH sock line, skirt line, shirt line]

Sometimes I just wish life would end.
It's so hard continuing.
It's so hard.
They're so many expectations.
I hate them all.
I hate myself.
Why am I so stupid?
Haha.
It's ironic.
I bet I'm not even pushing myself.
I'm always giving excuses.
Making up lies,
To kid myself that it's ok;
I still have time.
Truth is,
I don't.
And I hate the truth.
I hate it when I'm wrong.
I hate it when I fail to meet MY own expectations.
I hate myself.
I detest my incompetence.
WHY?!
Is this self pity?
I profess to hate it.
But...
Why then, do I display it?!
I hate myself!!
I detest myself!
I wish for my own death sometimes!
..and the *****ing is getting more frequent.
I can't control myself anymore.
The impulses are too great.
The temptation is too great.
I'm weak.
I'm so weak.
I can't stand up to it.
You think it's easy fulfilling promises?
Why are people like that?!
.."promise me you won't do it".
Or worse still..
They're angry with ME for my OWN actions.
Haha.
How ironic life is.
I face disappointment from myself everyday.
And I still have to handle your disappointment?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being such a bitch.
I'm sorry for letting you worry.
I'm sorry for being me.
That's the greatest truth of my world.
I'm WEAK.
I embody the quality I detest the most.
Isn't life ironic?
Haha.
I laugh at it.
I laugh at the concept that is my life.
People analyze it.
People get disappointed each and everytime they see it.
I thought I was worth something.
But, I guess I'm not.
I guess I'm not worth it for some people.
I guess I can never measure up to the rest.
I'm sorry for making you worry,
For some one like me.
Please stop.
I'm not worth it.
I'm sorry for tricking you into caring for me,
If you did.
Because, I'm nothing.
There IS nothing.
I am nothing.
I have no worth.
Not worth a f**king anything.
I'm an outcast.
I'm dirt.
I should be trampled upon.
Please, I beg of you.
Make my life easier.
Forget me.
I don't wanna live anymore.
And on this night,
My vehemence is especially strong.

I feel like screaming,
But I can't.
I feel like crying,
But I won't allow myself to.
It's pity.
It's self pity.
And I'm living in a jail cell.
There's a fixed protocol to living in my 'home'.
There's a fixed protocol to being me.
And I'm so tired of it.
I wanna be free.
Will death bring my liberation?
Questions like this will never be answered,
Till you walk on the other side of life.

Please, please,
Forgive me.
But I won't be home again.

it's funny how one thing leads to another.
how one incident can lead to certain reactions.
life is truly an egnima.
we never seem to be abl to fullu uncover ti,
to fully discover its meaning.
so many expectations,
so many guidelines.
can we meet them all?
can we follow them all?
the mere understanding of all of its concepts is hard enough.
what more the upholding of all of its policies?
sometimes i wonder.
why do people keep things from one another?
embarrassment?
incompetence?
it seems like the the whole principle of sharing revolves around these 2 axises.
i hate it you know?
neverunderstanding how people feel.
in way, i guess i hate speculation too.
but;
mylife is meant to be lived in seclusion,
to be lived in speculation.
i can only guess the truth,
i can never confirm it.
and that's what irks me the most.

anguished wishes do nothing.
fervent hopes are fruitless.
in the end, it's faliure any way you put it.
and in the end,
everyone gives up in one way or another.
have i crossed that line?
have i come to that point?
life seems so bleak sometimes.
i wonder if i'll ever see my objective,
if i'll ever see my worth.
and as time ticks by,
the value of that statement decreases.
and life slows down.
i cannot keep up anymore.
i never was able to.
i guess my life was lived i constant denial.
..i'm glad i woke up.

people pass by.
time ticks by.
and i am passed,
yet again.
it's a never ending cycle of disappointment and regret.
and i'm begining to adapt.
i'm begining to accept.
that's the way life will always be.
so be it.



i'm at that line;
i give up.

useless affirmations.
worthless words.
redundant speaking.
actions speak louder then words.

pent up frustration.
briddled anger.
painful actions.
it feels good.

being ignored.
walking alone.
detesting solitude.
i accept.

prior importance.
limited attention.
little understanding.
that's the way the world is.

undesired hatred.
undisguisable scorn.
irrevocable contempt.
the world shows it all.

inevitable decisions.
desperate calls.
unheared pleas.
it happens everyday.

pathetic self pity.
detested self.
shunned trust.
i'm weak.

death?
peace?
hapiness?
options, option, options.

trust..?
never.

everything's fake.
things don't last.
things don't exist.

i don't exist.
i am numb.
i am invisible

life goes on?
i don't think so.

I'm not worthless..
haha.
i'm not worthless.

no more animosity.
no more resentment.
no more hatred.
calm and relief take its place.

it feels good.

..i didn't know it took this,
to receive what i desired.
if this is really what it takes,
i may have to do it again.
it's follish, it's stupid.
but i can't help it.
my desperation is driving me crazy.
i may look normal on the outside,
but appearences are deceiving.
i may look happy on the outside,
but what makes you think i'm not crying on the inside?
i refuse to cry.
no; it's a weakness.
people pity you.
i don't need pity.
people will hate me for what i do,
for what i say.
haha.
they already do.
but, somehow..
ican't find it in myslef to please others anymore.
i don't want to be that compliant, weak person anymore.
i want to be my own person.
i want people to mix with me for who i am,
not who they see me to be.
they always say..
the flesh is weak.
how true it is..
i wish for it,
yet i cannot bring myself to do it.
how weak..
i'm weak.
how ironic.

ARGHHH!
enough self pity!!
i need to be more focused.
3 tests next week.
2 tomorrow.
2 on wednesday.
shit.
i dont know where all my english vocabulary has gone,
or where my grammar has been chucked.
but i sure want to know.
and i sure want to own them again.
chemistry, ameths, emaths;
don't seem as important as english.
inconsequential to who i am.
..goodness.
what am i talking about?

GENERATION IMPACT [GI].
not The Impact Team [TIT].
haha.
they're a funny bunch of people.
took my mind off scissors for a while.
God has really blessed me.
i know, now,
why he put me in this team.
yes, it means more commitment;
but it's good.
it's all good.
they have fun,
i had fun.
i like it.
avenue for de-stressing.

[And of course… condominium (big, BIG one), car (red and nice), credit card (nice picture), terrorists, fruitcake (big, BEEG banana), suitcase, orang utan, plumber’s outfit, Mario Nintendo game, toilet bowl (nice and fresh smelling), wrench, rubber band and A NICE BUTT]

Alot of things happened this week.
i did something.
the worry was unecessary;
but it felt..
good?
it's selfish;
i'm selfish.
i hate my world.
i hate everything about me.
i hate myself.

i know the world does the same.

//She picks up the flower.
Running her fingers over its petals,
she remembers who gave it to her.
She was brought back to that stand still in time,
when she had given it to her.
She was shocked.
She was touched.
She felt loved.
She never teared;
no, it was weakness --
yet, it was ironic that she was on the inside.
She remembered all the good times they had together.
All the stupid times, all the fun times.
She smiled to herself.
With a final caress,
she sets the flower down;
hoping, forever longing,
that it's giver would never forget her,
the way she didn't on the day she gave it to her.//

I hope you dance
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

things were good today.
things were resolved today.
a burden's finally been lifted.
i'm glad it happened.
we grow from them.
till tomorrow.



fate beckons.

i've been wondering...
will you accept me if i come back?
like the prodigal son and his forgiving father?
will you still believe me?
will you still trust me?
will you still walk beside me?
will you still be there?
..or do i have to face life alone again?
actually...
just forget that.
i've always been walking alone.
you're almost always never there when i need you,
i've always had to face thing alone;
desperately calling for help,
when i knew no one would come.
i want to go back in time...
go back to the happy memories,
to the classroom where all things were good between us,
where everyone was stressed, but happy.
where everyone was fiercely loyal to the other;
where camaraderie was rampant.
i know i'm not alone.
many of us want to go back in time,
it's a pity that despite all our insistent wishes,
it doesnt happen that way.
we face out own troubles as they charge at us.
with bared hands,
with fast dying spirit,
we face our dilemmas and problems.
it is enough?
most are close to breaking point.
we are all like glass,
soon to be shattered because we already have too many cracks.
can the cracks be repaired?
i dont know.
i'm figuring that part out as well.
can time really heal all wounds?
..or is that phrase just overrated?
regret.
why am i made to face that everyday?
i'm already losing the battle against myself;
and this gets thrown at me?!
i sometimes picture how it would be,
if i hadnt been so stupid.
that vision is perfect,
it's happy.
but reality isnt.
i AM stupid.
i have been, am and always will be.
that is why i will continue to make such mistakes,
that is why my life will always be lived in regret;
shadows of what could have been.
that is why my life will forever to be lived in reticence,
to be reflective of my daily stupidty.
and in the confines of solitude,
wish that my life could be anything else but this.
i cannot speak out;
no one will listen.
i've turned the people who did away.
i cannot speak out;
the embarrassment will kill me.
i am too shallow,
only caring for perfection,
even though it's ironic that i am the one far from prefect.
it is all self pity.
i dont derserve pity.
i detest pity;
but i'm weak.
i pity myself everyday.
how weak.
how SO EVERY WEAK.
i endeavour to be strong,
to prove to society who i am,
and who i can be.
but, i'm always falling short of my aspirations.
they are too lofty.
i am too flawed.
my stubborn nature, however, is undeterred.
i dont want it to be,
but it is all the same.
i wish to live life in acceptance,
in total numbness,
because that is what i deserve.
but, no.
my nature chooses another path;
wrought with disappointments,
filled with regret.
and yet, i never give up that dream.
why??
i still dont understand how
one part of my mind cannot liase with the other.
i dont know why practicality cannot meet with aspiration.
i dont know why i have to live in thr torture of having to question everyday.
i dont know alot of things.
but i do know this;
i am proud,arrogant.selfish.a perfectionist.
WEAK.
and that i'm suffering everday because i am all of what i see.