so, these are what friends are.
WHEN I NEED YOU TO STAND BY ME,
ALL of you turn away.
i lost hope,
all of you didn't bother to restore it.
of all people, i'm most disappointed with YOU.
i stood by you,
even when people saw you as foolish.
i did the things you should have,
when i knew you didn't have the heart to.
i'm sorry if i tired too hard for you,
too hard for us.
you tell US that we can still be "close",
even when we're not good friends.
SUCH A HYPOCRITE.
i don't know what else to say.
this anger and frustration has bene kept for too long.
YOU and YOUR GANG OF FRIENDS;
i'll see what you can do.
no doubt, i'm still as involved.
i'm just taking a step back,
and now, it's your turn to perform.
fill the post you were supposed to.
it's YOUR show now.

darkness enveloped her fragile being,
wrapping her in a cloak of dispair and grief.
is this what companionship meant?
sacrifice, after sacrifice?
..she didn't see the point;
she was broken, torn.
and no one came.
shadow after shadow passed;
she saw no recognition in their eyes.
they were puppets,
controlled by their own persuits.
they saw her, yet they turned away.
a muffled scream of desperation,
a quiet intake of breath.
she bled, but no one knew.
she ached, but no one cared.
the knife dived deeper into her ribcage.
in her hands,
she finally found the strength to do what she knew she had to.
she was alone,
she saw that now.
people had all their other commitments.
she guessed she had commitments too,
only thing was that her commitments were THEM.
always preoccupied, SHE had nothing to do.
people cited self pity.
she despised that.
but did they know?
no..of course not.
they knew nothing.
one last scream of anguish,
one last death cry.
it was done.
she was dead.

So fine.have it your way.
we AREN'T dead.
we AREN'T!
people are willing to make the sacrifice and fork out the hard work!
i'm reeling with ectasy as i uncover this new revelation.
oh, the wonders of camaraderie.
aren't they just a wonder to behold?
HAHA.
stick that up someone else's ass.
i'm not dealing with that shit.
all of your words are nothing more than crap.
you ask why we can't be together without being friends?
..aren't you a classic example?
INDEED.
the STUPIDEST thing to EVER be said is that the hotfamily is dead.
INDEED.
i was foolish enough to believe that MONTHS ago.
now, I'M NOT.
you haven't seen the the things i've seen.
so don't you dare open your trap and go round preaching you have.
think you can do a good job?
be.my.guest.
i'm taking MANY steps back now.
i'm running away from this mess.
i won't take it anymore.
fuck you all.
you never mean what you say.

and OF COURSE i know the EXCO's busy.
ANY idiot can see that.
it's not the business i have a problem with,
just the OTHER factors they don't..handle?
two words.
prefect councillors.
consider what the latter means.

Be my Escape. Relient k.
I've given up on giving up slowly, I'm blending in so
You won't even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away
And I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I've been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though,
there's no way in knowing where to go,
promise I'm going because
I gotta get outta here
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I'm begging You,
I'm begging You,
I'm begging You to be my escape.

I'm giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I've failed and I'm ready to be shown how
He's told me the way and I'm trying to get there
And this life sentence that I'm serving
I admit that I'm every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair
Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I've been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though,
there's no way in knowing where to go,
promise I'm going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I'm afraid that this complacency is something I can't shake
I gotta get outta here
And I'm begging You,
I'm begging You,
I'm begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I've made
And all I'm asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can't ask You to give what You already gave

Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though,
there's no way in knowing where to go,
promise I'm going because
I've gotta get outta here
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I've gotta get outta here
And I'm begging You,
I'm begging You,
I'm begging You to be my escape.

I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You

So were You

i see cracks;
cracks in the once whole porcelain.
i see breaks;
breaks in the once smooth outer surface.
i see shattered pieces;
separate pieces of a figurine.
we aren't who we once were.
we have chamnged, evolved.
we're no longer the old 'us'.
even though we claim we may be.
it's not hard to see,
we're already dead.
the HOTfamily is dead.
no glue can set this piece of art back into place,
no words or promises can heal the inflicted wounds.
things have been running too deep, too long.
and now, it's everything's errupting.
pent-up anger, unsaid grimaces, uncleared griviences.
it's so typical of snigaporeans;
to suck it up and stick it in.
we thought it would help,
but it obviously backfired.
what's left to do?
nothing; absolutely nothing.
if there still out there who care,
do something about this.
i'm stepping out.
don't expect anything more from me.

i know the whole damned world hates me now.
i have a list of about 10.
so many people;
a moment of pique, a moment of wekaness in anger.
i wish i could say sorry and make everything better;
but i am ai proud person,
and the things i say don't matter to the ones i've hurt anymore.
i'm sorry if you don't know why i'm angry with you.
i had and still have my reasons,
but i guess they were exaggerated, blown up.
i'm not going to give myself excuses.
so, please, forgive me.
or if [like someone i know] don't even think of me as
"a close friend",
then forget it.
i'm not worth it;
never have been, never will be.
i know that, and now i believe it.
YOU people have taught me to.

Things happened in the past.
as clishe as it seems,
i realize that they were there just to toughen me up,
show me how disappointing life CAN and WILL be.
acceptance is crucial, stubborness is follish.
things are sometimes out of our control,
so we accept and move on.
but i've learnt to hold on to the things that can be controlled,
because they mean something to me;
because their revival is worth my effort.
i used to think,
"why me?"
..but now, i see;
"why NOT me?"
it's a topic for reasoning,
but at the end of the day,
it's a mtter of perspective.
but time stands stil for no man,
and decisions need to be made fast and accurately.
initiative;
in work and out of work.
"why NOT me?"
..have you asked yourself that question?

The HOTs:
guys, this is the LAST time i'm gonna be doing this ok?i'm trying to keep this TOGETHER, but all we're doing is tearing it apart.so don't, ok?remember last year.even though we can NEVER have what we HAD, we cn remember the times and COMMEMORATE them with each gathering and each recess we spend together.treasure this like i do; time flies, and before you know it, we'll all be going our separate ways...

things of the past and present.
there is no story to tell.
my past has been obscured,
the lines of my history blurred.
i am an enigma.
you know nothing of me.
what you see,
isn't what you get.
don't assume anything,
it'll only lead to disastrous consequences.
i won't let anyone know me,
not ever again.
i've learned from my mistakes,
and from others.
if they can, why not i?
screw the world.
i'm leaving everything behind.
for once, i'll be ahead of myself.

independance;
the dependance on oneself.

Because of you.kelly clarkson.
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

i knew it'd hit you one day.
yes, everything you've said is true,
and i know you understand,
because, is't quite apparent, that you've been through it before.
would it pacify anyone if i said that i didn't know what i was doing?
or i regret NOW, what i had done?
..i never did.
but, now i do.
DOES IT MATTER TO ANYONE?
i don't think so actually.
people are tired of my senseless promises,
and impulsive mood swings.
i know that you're sick of it too.
don't you think it's quite obvious?
i'm worry i haven't been the person you SAW me to be.
i'm..not like that all the time.
i am an UNSTABLE COMPOUND.
able to break apart [dissociate] any time,
and i combine with others just as easily.
i live calculating every moment;
sometimes, in desperation for spontaneity,
i do something stupid.
..do you know what it feels like?
yes, what you've said IS true.
and i know that you've been through as many disappointments yourself,
but i guess..you know how to let go better than i do.
i'm not saying i need your guidance,
[or anything as cliche]
but i do ask that you stand by me;
through all the mood swings,
through all the crap i give you,
through all the times you put in more than you take out,
through all the things you don't see reason in me doing,
through all the stupid mistakes i make.
as a friend, will you stay?
that's all i ask..
will you stay?
if you answered yes,
please don't give up on me now.
you know what it's like to be disappointed,
i even admitted that i'd be destroyed,
if i were in your shoes.
i know you know,
so please, if you are someone who genuinely cares,
don't give up on me.

and yes, i know all that about expectations too.
i'm an ass you see;
[even though you claim i can't BE one cos i HAVE one..]
i take things for granted,
i..expect too much.
but recently, i've seen how foolish i WAS, and i AM.
it's embarrassing to admit,
but it's true.
i know you will scoff at this,
but you're right.
i DO expect too much of others.
you felt it.
..and i know why it had to be so.
you can't be "controlled",
while i AM the control freak.
now, i know why it didn't work out.
..i thought i DESERVED certain things from people.
but, i know now, i don't deserve anything.
what i get is what i gain.
there is no loss in friendships.
it's only what you get and gain.
there's nothing more to it.
i see that now.
i really, really do.
so thank you, you two, for your views.
you've just freed me for a new lease of life,
[evne though that sounds cliche]
and i WILL be eternally greatful.
[no sarcasm involved]

things happen,
time passes.
people change,
situations turn.
we fall,
we bruise.
months pass,
years disintegrate.
we.move.on.
life.goes.on.

things happen for a reason.
they always do.
first, shock hits you..HARD.
then, disappointment, anger.
finally, the tears come and you forget why you even exist.
it's all a cycle.
i'll get over it.

things happen for a reason.
it's all been planned.
resistance IS futile.
the inevitable happen,
and sometimes we're left out cold,
but it's all part of the cycle.
i'll get over it.

things happen for a reason.
there's no explanation for it, sometimes.
try as we might,
we can only ASSUME what happened;
we never truly know.
then you realize, it's a cycle.
i'll get over it.

things happen for a reason.
we can only continue to live.
there's nothing we can really do.
just suck it up, stick it in, and put on a strong front.
no point crying, no point regretting.
what's done is done; it's all part of the cycle.
i'll get over it.

Jesus loves me,
this i know;
for the bible tells me so.
little children, to Him, belong;
they are weak, but He is strong.
yes, Jesus loves ME,
yes, Jesus loves ME,
yes, Jesus loves ME..
the bible tells me so.

I want to believe that,
i really do.

appearances can be deceiving.
i thought people cared.
i thought people GENUINELY cared,
but i guess there's only SO MUCH you can expect of somebody.
and now, i see.
i truly do.
i have to let you two go.
you never really cared, i know that now.
i know you're busy; too busy, in fact.
it's ok, though..
just two other things to recover from.
it's all part of life.
life in its cruel irony and deceit.
i'm ready for all that shit this time round.
and i guess now that i am,
i finally see who matter..
and i've never been more lonely.

i deserve death.
i'm going crazy, outta my mind.
i'm not myself.
i'm doing things that are out of my nature.
i'm making decisions that go against my values.
but..why?
..someone?
..something?
the code that is my life is so hard to decipher.
crypts and more crypts.
i'm done with the code breaking.
so i..GO ALONG with life.
since when did life become so pointless?
when did attempts become so futile?
when did choices become invalid?
..i DID not surrender to the norm.
i went against it, because i believed in it.
and now, i'm appauled with who i'm becoming.
i'm giving up without a fight for myself;
without a fight for who i used to be and the values i used to embody.

i'm disgusted with myself.
i'll go hide under a rock now;
it's better nobody finds me.

i guess that's how it's like, huh?
i don't care any more;
i really don't.
and it's beginning to show.
is this good?
isn't this what i've always wanted?
..if it was,
why does it feel..wrong?
why do i feel..misplaced?

confused.
mixed up.
rejected.
desolation.
isolation.
..hope?

..i wonder.
i wonder if you ever think of what you can do.
i wonder if you know what you DO.
i wonder if you ever bother to remember.
i wonder if you ever bother to think about meus.
i wonder if you ever think of anything else.

..i know.
i know you don't know what you can do.
i know you don't know what you DO.
i know you don't remember.
i know you don't bother to think.
i know you never bother about others.
i know you're married to your work,
that's just a full stop to all your human interaction.

..i feel.
even though you may think i don't.
even though you may think i only have a limited number of emotions, i don't.
even though you deny negligence, i feel the distance.
even though you don't care, i feel the need to.
even though i know you're married to your work,
it never stopped me from trying.

i keep saying that
"i'm tired, or "i give up".
but do i really?
sometimes, even i don't know.
i feel hopeless.
i'm powerless against my own will,
weak in light of my subconscious desires.
i don't know how such phenomenas occur,
but they just do.
the human phsycological train of thought is hard to comprehend,
let alone classify.
i'm amazed that people can judge so easily.
yet, i'm a hypocrite, and i cannot stop being one.
it's human nature to seek a sense of secruity;
to want to know that there are people beneth you,
to yearn supremacy over others,
to know you have authority.
i guess some just revel in it more then others.
..and obsession follows.
i wonder if "leaders" ever question themselves that way.
i'll never know.
i never do, anyway.

congratulations.
long overdue, but all the same.
just don't let it consume you,
authority is not everything.
i believe you two have alot to contribute;
so do what you need to.
i know you two are very busy;
we all do,
just don't neglect the things important to you.

i'm out of hate and depression.
slipping into a sense of nothingness,
numbing myself to the world.
in essence, i AM dead.
it's my mechanical self taking over.
i am devoid of true emotion.
no jolt, no pulse.
i am dead,
dead as any human could be.
dead on the inside.
and it doesn't hurt anymore..
it won't, ever again.

That's it, you know?
if you don't wanna give it a shot, it's cool with me.
i've had enough of clinging on PATHETICALLY.
it's ok, really.
go on with ALL your lives.
you five DISGUST me sometimes.
i expected so much..
haha.i guess i expected too much, huh?
and NO ONE could fit the bill.
then again, who am i to expect so much?
i am a NOBODY, right?
i guess humans are like that;
natuarlly selfish.
well then, if YOU ALL can be selfish,
why can't i?
not saying that i wasn't in the past,
but i'm talking MORE selfish;
total disregard for YOUR affairs,
ignorance of YOUR feelings.
plain and blatant disregard for your EXISTANCE.
would you all like it?
hmmm, especially, YOU?
i guess you..WOULDN'T, right?
ahhh.that brings me to my next point;
then why did you do it to others?
i can only tell a biased tale,
but from my point of view,
you're doing it to EVERYONE.
and if you know me well enough,
(though i doubt you do)
you will know that i don't take these things lying down.
i'm stubborn and foolhardy,
but that's who i am.
and sometimes, being who i am gets me somewhere.

i though that we could hold on forever,
i guess not.
it IS just a cycle, is it not?
realization, depression, then anger.
i won't let the cycle start again.
i won't be THIS foolish again.
to think i actually TRUSTED you guys.
HAHA.joke of the century.
it's funny, really funny.
my sides are splitting at the hilarity of it all.
well then, i've had my laugh,
and now, things'll go back to the way they used to be.
only now, you won't see me as a shadow anymore;
i'll be gone.

ever wondered how some people can stay in touch forever?
i guess you guys have WONDERED,
perhaps even KNOWN,
but you just didn't make the effort, huh?
well done!
ALL of you contributed to the WONDEFUL state of our HOTs.
BRILLIANT!
i just want to congratulate all of you;
on losing faith on THEM,
on only looking for them for your selfish needs,
on not making the effort.
that's it, you know?
the final straw.
i'm probably not the person for the job,
but that ain't stopping me,
since NO ONE'S being doing it.
this IS the last of illusions.
this IS the final trace of innocence.
it's OVER.

tsk, then again, who am i to say all this?
i am but a LONELY, MISERABLE prick,
engulfed by a sea of GIANTS.
well, well.
let the miserable prick be,
she's going to disappear any time soon anyway.

sometimes, i wonder why i'm not dead.
most times, i don't see a reason,
and i wish that i was.
sometimes, life SEEMS so much better to be dead;
unfeeling, unknowing.
then i think,
"what's after death?"
and i remember that my soul will still exist.
and i don't dare to climb over the ledge.
it's pathetic, isn't it?
the only thing holding me back from suicide,
is the thought of hell AFTER death.
it's ridiculous i have to REMIND myself not to think about
climbing over the edge,
or taking a pair of sciossors in hand.
it's funny, it really is.
too bad most people don't think so,
and think that it's a plea for attention.
sigh, i pity those people;
they only know how to judge,
they don't really know how to feel.

it's ironic, sometimes.
you decide to give something up,
but yet the attempt backfires when you get something back.
it's ridiculous, yet it's happening.
irony, plain irony.
haha, life DOES love to throw you for a loop, doesn't it?
well, i'll cling on for the ride.
i want to see what life can do FOR me;
no longer what life can do TO me.
i've seen the effects, and now, i'm ready.
i'll enjoy it this time,
not one thing can stop it.

i'll walk away, if i need to.
stay, if i want to.
laugh, if i have to.
it's all about making the right choices,
and sicking with the decisions.
i won't bend toward what i SHOULD do, anymore.
it's all about my impulse.
i will do what i think i should;
not what others think i should do.
so what if i'm left out again?
i'll just find other company.
inferiority is something i don't want to have to deal with again.
i'll just find others who make better worth of my time.
or energy.
it's evident that some don't care,
because i'm "that type of person".
so if nobody gives a shit,
why should i freaking care?!
haha.i see it now.
manipulated and foolish;
that's what i've been.
i won't be that person again.
no longer, no longer.

i'll do what i need to;
word hard,
laugh hard.
i don't "play".
it'll only lead to disastrous consequences,
since i don't know the game.
so i'll laugh, by the sidelines.
laugh at those who choose to be blinded,
laugh at those who are lying to themsleves.
laugh at the rule-makers.
i was once like them;
phony and insecure.
maybe, i still am,
but now, i know.
and now, i'll make an effort to change.
no one deserves to make the rules of your life.
i'm making mine, MYSELF.

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

i have a confession to make.
i've been lying about everything i believed in,
everything i said i would do.
i KNEW, but i didn't believe.
i kept lying to MYSELF,
that i knew and that i WOULD change the situation.
i guess, in some ways i did.
but for the majority, i didn't.
all that's gonna change.
i hope that this time,
when i say it,
i'll actually mean it, and believe it.
and that this time around,
everything i want happening, WILL happen.
i hope i won't disappoint,
nor will i face disappontment again.
it's gonna be real this time.

acceptance;
it's the hardest thing in the world,
but once it's done,
the rest will follow smoothly.
i guess that's what i need to do;
accept the truth.
i've been blinded by SELF deceit for too long,
it's time to make ammendments.

it's been quite busy lately;
the ending of one thing,
leads to the beginning of another.
new knowledge, new understanding, new decisions.
now i know alot more,
now i know what i must do.
it's not a matter of 'can i? or 'should i',
but a matter of 'i must.
full stop.
i've left too many questions unanswered in my life,
and i'm paying the price for it now.
as they say,
'once bitten, twice shy'.
i won't commit the same mistake twice.
so now, i'm answering all the question marks in my life,
and i'm taking a stand now.
i can't afford to sway with the wind anymore.
my back's been pushed too far backward.

so it's my fault, again.
i'm sick of this.
i hate pretending.
but it seems like that is the only thing that i've been doing around you.
maybe telling you was a wrong move,
i don't know,
because you NEVER TELL ME ANYTHING.
and need to know what and why you feel.
i'm sorry if i made you angry,
or hurt you (though i SERIUOSLY doubt the occurance).
i doubt you're even reading this.
but, if you are,
please know that i'm really sorry.
i never meant to hurt,
i was just so angry,
and i didn't know what else to do.
i guess sometimes,
you have to take a step back to move in the right direction.
maybe i need to let you go,
as you have so long ago.
i was just too stubborn, huh?
it's gonna be hard,
but..
if it makes you happy.

goodbye, **** ****..

you.
thanks for pulling me aside on friday.
i guess it's like that;
no matter how bleak it looks,
i think it's better this time round;
don't ask me why,
i just..feel that way.
maybe it's because we're more willing to talk,
maybe it's because i understand more.
or maybe it's because i finally understand what you mean when you say you can't trust anybody.
i finally get it.
i really do.
thanks for enlightening me.

you
you continue to disappoint me, don't you?
i gave you one chance.
you threw away the remaining two.
i thought you would have picked up on the part of
'reading between the lines'.
you keep telling me you can't let me go,
but you what?
you're lying.
everyone is,
it's just that your is so obvious.
and maybe you've finally opened my eyes;
and i see how blind i've been.
is this really the end of it?
ask yourself.
because i'm only willing to make sacrifices if you are.

life's just such a freaking mess.
and i'm sick of being cryptic and beating round the bush.
if everyone thought a little more like that,
the world might be a better place.
then again,
you can never be too sure.
so we'll take out chances,
and hope that we can get if,
if and when we do fall.

don't abandon me, you three.
i need you guys, now, more than ever.