Merry Christmas, everyone.

Jingle bells, batman smells;
robin laid an EGG!
bat mobile lost its wheels,
and joker got AWAY!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO..
OHSOCRAZYBUTCUTE NII-CHAN!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

i'm keeping the memories forever.
Christmas is but 2 days away...
i hope the notes mean something to all of you.

The 20th came and went.
I LOVED IT.
the girls looked awesome(:
the guys were sweet; flowers and all.
i guess it was a little tense at first,
but AFTER the murder mystery,
things got ALOT better.
what with poker, bridge and MAHJONG.
[i still have itchy fingers]
took photos.
i LOVE them ALL.
pieces of all of us.
memories to keep.
to reminisce when needed.

that was the last of the 'meetings'.
school is starting in 10 days.
i'm scared.
but above all,
i don't want THIS to end.

i'll miss the comm...

Who I am hates who I've been. Relient K
I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the pacific
And you might think I'm losing my mind
But I will shy away from the specifics
Cause I don't want you to know where I am
Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been
And this is no place to try and live my life

Stop right there
That's exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should've crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should've said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

I talked to absolutely no one
Couldn't keep to myself enough
And the things bottled inside had finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'd soon blow up

And I heard the reverberating footsteps
Syncing up to the beating of my heart
And I was positive that unless I got myself together
I would watch me fall apart

And I can't let that happen again
Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been
And this is no place to try and live my life

Stop right there
That's exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should've crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should've said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me
Who I am hates who I've been
Cause who I've been only ever made me

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

we can't be sure of a lot of things.
and i guess that's what makes life..
LIFE.
we don't dare expect too much,
for fear of disappointment.
but the funny thing is,
we expect the unexpected ANYWAY.
which sounds ridiculous,
but is actually happening.
the stupid things we do as humans.

ahh, 2005 is coming to a close.
i'm happy 2005 happened.
it's the best year i've had yet,
even in spite of all the rocky bits.
i've learnt so many things this year.
i've had countles revelations about things that mattered.
and after all that,
i'm becoming happier.
because now, i know who i am.
and i guess i don't need any one to show me that.
i can't measure myself worth.
i WON'T.
take it or leave it,
i won't care any more.
the attention, the conversations?
I'VE HAD IT WITH INITIATING.
do it yourself, or leave everything behind.
i couldn't care less any more.

it's easy to say, i guess.
defintely another issue to actually do it.
till i get over this,
i know i have people who love and accept me wholly.
and frankly, that's all that matters.

WAHOO!
[aahhh, a nice change for this blog, eh?]
MY HOMEWORK IS STARING AT ME EVILY.
IT WANTS TO EAT ME UP!
AAIIYYYEEE!!!
*runs around screaming*
*maid and sis stare weirdly*
*retreats back to room*
MY REVISION IS STARING AT ME WORRYINGLY!
IT WANTS TO KILL ME!!
AAAIIIIYYEEEEEE!!!!
*runs arounds screaming*
*maid and sis scream for 'peace and quiet'*
*glares at the two STRANGERS*
*retreats back to room*
MY BOOKS ARE GLARING AT ME ANGRILY!!!
THEY WANT TO KILL, CRUSH THEN EAT ME!!!!
AAAAAAAAIIIIIYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEE!!!!
SOMEONE SAVE ME!!!
*runs around screaming*
*maid and sis sigh in exasperation*
*points and LAUGHS*
*screams a 'wahoo!'*
*retreats back to room satisfied*

hey JAZZY, ZILING, RACHEL AND THE REST OF THE HOTFAMILY!!!
..i'm BAAACKKK!!
wahooo!!(: (:
i dare you people!
MAKE ME LAUGH!!(: (:
jaz, zi and rach: i'm hungry.and EVERYONE'S HORNY!

WAHOO!!

I guess i went to far.
then again, how is one to tell?
repurcussions, repurcussions.

some things we look forward to,
some things we dread.
do we, then, remain numb in between?

next year's coming too soon.

SYC breaks camp today.
it was..FUN.
and i agree.
camps are more enjoyable for the helpers,
not the committee.

Day 1: Amazing race.
rachh, tiff, jane and i were supposed to walk round east point wearing a specific pair of ear rings, while the groups looked for the respective ear rings we wore.after that station, we made our way down to the airport for an inpromptu station.the groups were told to find the link between 2 terminals.as we expected, the groups came to tiff and i at the sky train.after making them do various..activities..we told them that they were at the wrong station, telling them to find rachh and jane instead.after that, tiff and i met john and adriel, making our way to a VERY ULU-ATED coffeee bean to satisfy tiff's coffee craving.HAHA.funny stuff happened at coffee bean, and now i have a "white wall" for an ass.oohhhkaayy..

Day 2: Station games.
met jane earlier that morning to have a GOOD LONG CHAT.then, went with her to idp to check out her australian unis; MKAING US VERY LATE FOR THE ACTUAL GAMES.ohh well, john/jake/rachh/huiting seemed to be ok without me anyway.haha.our station involved getting lost in distractions [loud music, math questions, memory games, etc], while TRYING to memorize a LONG verse.HAHA.after the games, we bummed at jane's house playing bridge, daidi and heart attack originally.then jane brought out her mahjong and rachh, jane, jake, john and i ended up playing 8 rounds of mahjonh.WITH JAKE WINNING 5 ROUNDS.ohh well.then we went for a nice prata dinner..wahoo!

Day 3: Beach games
ariived at the east coast with jane and rachh at 7.45.we were given a final briefing and assigned to the various stations, before moving to our respective stations.rachh and i were in charge of the 'crawling muah chee' station, which involved the campers doing the hokey pokey [right hand, right leg, whole body] in the sea, before crawling through sand to find water bomb bags hidden in the water.HAHA.the last 2 groups that came to us very nicely dunked all of us into the sea.then, being wet and disgusting, we diceded to chase the guys around to get them wet too.EEHEE.in the end, all of us ended up swimming in the sea [1, 2, 3, 4, PUI PUI!], before our water bomb fight.[ASSEMBLY LINE!]haha, then we made our way back to church before going to the hiew residence to play bridge/daidi/mahjong/taboo, and laugh ourselves to death.after watching a few ridiculously funny clips, we went down to church for COP and dinner.

i had fun.
ALOT of fun.

AND NOW, for work.
ARRGHHH.

i'm sorry.
i could say it a thousand times over,
but i know i'll never be able to make up for what i did.
or what i DO.

i'm sorry.
i'm a miserable excuse for a human being.
someone ought to shoot me and rid this world of THIS irritance.
i AM the irritance.

i'm sorry.
i'm a mistake.
i don't deserve to be living.
others are more deserving.

i'm sorry.
i give so many excuses,
dealing them out one after another.
too many excuses.

i'm sorry.
i backstab, i lie.
i ought to die.
PLEASE, PLEASE kill me.

...i'm sorry for being me.
not that the world can forgive.

Parents.
two people i'll never be able to understand.
them and all their weird antics.
perhaps, IF/when i become a parent myself..
but DEFINITELY not now.

Life.
becoming monotonous again.
work, stone, sleep.
haha.but it better start now;
better than NEVER.
and besides, it's gonna be like that next year.
so, i can't complain, can i?

Friends.
funny people.
some of them mean it when they say that they'll "be there for you"
but, some of them don't.
thank God i met more of the former.
and i guess all of them,
are God's blessings to me.
i learn new things everyday;
and more often than not,
i learn from THEM.

this year's gonne be different.
i FEEL it.

Aahh.new week.
rachh's coming back tomorrow,
the hiews will be back on thursday.
adriel's leaving today for m'sia.
dlam's leaving for m'sia on thursday.
dng's in australia.
today, the number of US left in singapore stands at 3.
4, including jane.
lowest we've had yet, i think.
ohh well.
we'll all be re-united soon!
soon enough at least..

Went out for lunch with jane and john yesterday.
couldn't finish the carl's jr burger + fries + drink.
i'm gonna put on weight this holidays.
BUT, i wouldn't seem to care less.
hmmm.don't know why.
went to watch twist of fate too.
'AH SEE!'
haha.was quite funny at some parts.
but not the sort you would continue laughing over.
i guess it wasn't as 'wow' as it thought it would be.
ohh well.
it's been such a long time since i've done blogging like this.
haha.a good, or bad thing?
i wonder.

Change is good, i guess.

Now, TIME TO START WORK.
180 degree change indeed.
better NOW than LATER i guess.

I cannot think.
i must NOT think.

It's drizzling now.
the breeze is pleasant;
trees swaying and wind chimes souding in the distance.
everything's quiet.
i like decembers.
the world slows down,
the weather cools off.
and everything sees closure.
maybe this year,
more so than others.

SO MUCH WORK TO DO!
REVISION, HOMEWORK, ADVANCED STUDYING.
i say we'll all go insane,
if we did nothing else.
some are already on their way there.
next year; O level year.
and we're supposed to be ohsostressedandworried.
i some how don't seem to see that.
it's as if EVERYONE decided to take a break,
after a busy/tiring sec 3 year.
everyone can't bear to start work;
let alone revision or advanced studying.
but i guess, it's for the best.
we all need to learn the meaning of fun,
once in a while.
and as they say..
"better late than never".

God blessed me this holiday.
with JYC.
with the JYC committee.
i never knew i needed JYC so badly.
but now, i do.
and i really thank God that he has everything planned.
everything happens for a reason;
and THAT is highly comforting.
we're so relient on Him,
and some of us don't even know it.

Christmas shopping to do!
the LOVELY pub comm,
DNG, tiff, john, josh, jake, sam, adriel.
the 20th. 7pm.
i.can't.wait!
i hope we stay this way
PUB COMM + DNG!
studying for Os, shopping for prom and WHATNOT!
we'll do them , together(:

happiness isn't overrated.
i was just deluded (:

It's december already.
Christmas is 24 days away.
perhpas, it won't be so bad thing year.
maybe, miracles DO happen.
i'll just wait TO see.
time passed so quickly this year.
2005 is almost gone.
so many events, so many changes.
and i never expected it to be so..
unexpected.
i guess our seniors were right.
time did pass quickly in sec 3;
even till this moment,
time is flying away.

it's fascinating how complex life can be.
one minute you're laughing,
the next, you may be crying.
i don't get it some times;
how VOLATILE moods are.
and it's strange how these moods affect the decisions we make.
this year, alone,
i made a few..disturbing..decisions.
but, they've been made nonetheless.
and now, i face repurcussions of what i've done.
i can't erase my past;
because that's who i am.
everything i've done,
everything i've believed in up till this point,
contibutes to 'me'.
and there is no way i can change that.
so, why bother trying to?
"Don't seek acceptance FROM people,
seek PEOPLE who accept YOU."
hah.life COULD BE as simple as that.
some where, some how,
people were made to accept each and every one of us.
God made it so.
He promised us that we would never be alone;
and God never lies.
i'm ashamed to call myself a christian.
i never believed Him.

it's ironic that i discover most about life,
from non-christians.
it's as if they bring new ideas and concepts,
to the ones i already have in my head.
and they SHOW me what life COULD be,
without God, without a faith to cling onto.
they bring new points of view;
they bring diversity.
but through it all,
i see that i could NEVER live without Him.

it's funny how we couls spend our lives searching for perfection,
when perfection never really existed.
some waste their life away,
looking for the meaning of life,
when there IS no definite meaning.
and yet, through all our STUPID attempts ot be something better,
He would always be there.
probably sighing in frustration,
but there nonetheless.
all of us are kids, really.
we always want to be THE BEST.
the SMARTEST.
the FASTEST.
no one wants to be left behind, or forgotten.
we all want to belong.
and some times, some where along the way,
we forget who we truly belong to,
and what we truly NEED.
and, ironically, in that way,
we're never truly the BEST.
maybe some times,
it's better to get what you need,
rather than what you want>.

life COULD be confusing,
life COULD be depressing,
but it's a matter of choice.
at the end of the day,
life is as we see it.
and our perception changes everything.

We spend our lives trying to fit in.
but, do we EVER?
it's comical to think that some of us still bother to try,
after failing so many times.
so many people, so many events.
different crowds, different occasions.
YET, we never stop trying to fit in.
some people make it seem SO EASY.
they breeze through life,
as if company didn't make a difference.
then, there are those who never stop;
grovelling for attention and acknowledgement.
HAHA.
i think humans are funny creatures.
we're funny in our diversity;
we're funny in our differences.
so many things we could do,
and yet, we don't do them.
we choose something else.
and end up miserable.
HAHA.
i think life's a funny thing.

the window is open.
midnight sky, cool breeze.
everything's quiet.
i see lights in the distance,
trees swaying in the breeze.
i hear wind chimes
and the quiet trickling of water in the distance.
and i know that this is perfection.
then, i start to think.
of the times i've seen such perfection,
of the things i did at this time of the day.
i remember and everything comes rushing back to me.
every emotion; every situation; every person.
2/m chalet 2004.
we were bowling.
we were angry.
we went back, cried,
and decided to take a stroll.
a whole group of us.
ahh yes, the HOTfamily at its best.
walking along the beach,
feeling the wind against our bodies,
and the warmth from within.
there was a comfortable silence too.
if only i had a picture of the smiles.
August 2005.
a piece of seemingly bad news.
staircase landing.
muddled thoughts.
lacked courage.
bleeding.
HAHA.
how funny it seems.
insecurity.
incompetence.

i laugh at my own progression.
i hate to be up at night;
when the air's cool,
and everything's perfect.
i hate to be reminded of the past.
i hate to reminisce about how things WERE.
and yet, i still do these things.
HAHAHA.

now, he's gone.
someone please shoot me.