it's funny.
life gives you good things,
then always ends it as soon as it starts.
i thought i could do something about it;
fight against fate, perhaps.
but it's evident that i can do no such thing.
no man is God.
only god can take such matters into His hands.
destiny.
i prayed that it would not go against me.
but again, i discover many things are.
the people i used to see as important,
the things i cannot see.
pieces of a jigsaw,
strewn all over the floor;
waiting for you to put them back togethre again.
but are you willing?
to see them fall to pieces again?
it's a mighty big piece;
and you ask yourself,
"why did i even bother?"
when you stand at the crossroads again,
where will go go?
where will you turn?
will you sacrifice your free will to fate?
or remain standing there,
unguarded against the elements of your 'destiny'?

i make choices i regret,
do things i'd wish i had never done.
but i still do them anyway.
..why?
because, i am human.
i am not flawless.
i am as flawed as human nature gets.
many can atest to that.
sometimes, i look at myself and don't recognize the person i see.
perhaps, this masquerade has gone on for too long.
perhaps, i'm finally becoming the person i should be.
then again, do i want to be that person?
the floodgates have opened.
the tragedies will never cease.
what opened them..
i'll never know.
but i do know this;
it's too late now to run.
so, on the edge of this cliff,
do i surrender myself to the oncoming waves,
or do i try to fly?

why?
maybe it's time for me to start asking the questions i need to,
and start getting the answers i seek.
i tried to help who i a.
i TRIED to be likeable.
but obviously, i wasn't good enough.
wasn't 'cool' enough.
and i guess i'll never be.
why am i always living in the shadow of jealousy?
haha.i have been so foolish.
to throw so many things away,
just because i want something else.
if only i could start believing in who i am,
and the person i've become.
perhaps even try to LIKE that person.
maybe then, people will start to like that person too.


must get out of that auto-pilot mode and into maunal.
things are changins.
i can't rely on the programmed me to control my fate.
i need to fight for myself,
against myself.
i need to prove to myself that i'm worth more than the values people put on me.
i need to believe that i can do something FOR me.
no one's ever NOT worth it.

so..why should i be an exception?

some things change.
some things will never be he same.
we live life with scars of our folishness.
but we live, all the same.

i still don't get why we try.
i still don't get why we even bother.
some things are MEANT to happen.
why go against it?
why waste your efforts?
why even bother?
sometimes, we do the most foolish things.
sometimes, we commit to things that boast no returns.
sometimes, we waste time on the things that could never be 'better'.
i thought i learned my lesson.
i repeatedly told myself that i did.
but, i never did.
we can't stop this forever.
i can't do anything to push it along.
i've never come across anyone else like..
this.
it's confusing.
i torture myself.
and i don't even know why.
so many things i've did,
all to my own depreciation.
i'd like to believe i had SOME intelligence.
but in truth, i have nothing.

moving forward;
that's what people do all the time.
that's all that people WANT to do.
people look to improve, to do better.
but all i do is to move back.
so many 'could have's.
but no satisfaction.
all i want to do is scream, run away.
lock myself away from the truth of life.
lock myself aaway from myself,
and what i'm capacble of doing.
to myself, to others.
i just want to separate myself from myself.
fight my other self.
let the one i want to be triumph.
but, i am two people.
two personalities inexorably mingled.
try as i might, i cannot separate them.
..ineluctable to fight.
totally useless to struggle.
who am i?
i don't know.
what do others see?
i don't know.
..but why should i care?
i've been caring for the longest time possible,
and i didn't get anything out of it.
some things are meant to be left behind,
to be forgotten.
some things remain inexplicable.
and i'll never find the answers to all of the questions in life.
why, i ask.
so many 'why's.
so few affirmative responses.

i shuold not care.
i need to let go.
i'm holding on too tightly,
suffocating any possbility of healing.
do i want this?
haha, i forget.
it's not a matter of what i 'want',
but what the world can offer.
i am to remain pliant to its demands.
well, then.
forgive my ridiculous attempts at rebellion.
i was made for a life of servanthood to others.
then, let it be so.
i have nothing left to offer.

never what you put in,
but what you get out.
no point forcing it in,
you'll never get anything out of it.
and that's why i give up.
on more than one thing.
what i'm doing now,
what i'll do later;
they've become inconsequential.
i couldn't care less anymore.
i'm beyond reasoning.
nothing makes sense any more.
they never did, they never will.
i've been blinded for so long.
the veil was pulled over my eyes for so long..
and i never resented it.
until it started suffocating me,
twisting itself around my being,
choking me.
i've been so foolish.
why didn't i see?
i guess i'm losing my touch.
i guess i'm losing everything.
i've always been destined for that, huh?
even though i refused to see it in the past,
the thing that matters is that i see it now.

so what do i do?
there is nothing i CAN do.
i let life drift away,
lose everything i have,
..because it was meant to be?
..no, that didn't sound right.
i used to fight;
against all normalacy,
against all odds.
..why is 'now' different?
yeah, so i've seen, felt and said more.
does that make me any different?
in some ways, it does.
but why can't a rvert back?
do the things i should?
be the person i was?
is that even possible?

i struggle to find out.
i fight myself to.

the irony of life and its dilemmas.
but than again, who am i to complain?
what do i have to complain about?
NOTHING.
life's supposed to be absolutely perfect for me.
no problems, no headaches.
'just mug your life away' kind of philosophy.
i'm not wishing for anything any more.
i'm not expecting anything any more.
all in life will be a surprise.
hopefully.

sigh.

..given up on giving up slowly..

redemption.
consequence.
tragedy.
crossraods.
decisions.
vicious cycle.
the irony.

things are going to get better.
there are few certainties in this world,
but i think they are.
people have finally woken up,
i'm not alone anymore.
isn't this what i've always wanted?
..aah yes.but it came at a price.
a very high price.
maybe resultant factors include animosity and spite,
but i can handle that now.
things have definitely changed.
for the better?
we'll see..we'll see.

time to start studying.
EYEs start in 20 days' time.
it's a miracle i haven't started as yet.
well, then.
everything MUST have a beginning.
and it sucks to be sick.

it's clear now.
everything's so clear.
like black against white,
night against day.
there were no grey areas,
no sunsets.
things have always been this clear..
i just refused to see things for the way they really were.
delusion, foolishness.
..i was naive.
i believed in extremes;
either one way or another.
now i see that in a picture,
there are always grey areas.
room for the unknown,
for the forbidden and foolish.
nothing's as clear as we would have liked it to be.
nothing's ever perfect.
we can spend out whole life trying, changing, hoping.
sometimes, it works.
and everyone's happy.
sometimes, it doesn't.
but we accept it all the same.
clinging onto hope?
always a viable option,
but not for too long.
your hands start to burn,
and your limbs grow weak.
for now, i'll hang on.
i'm still hanging on.
i don't want to give up as yet.
change is inevitable;
it's a matter of acceptance.

friendships;
they come and go.
things can never remain the way they were.
time passes, things change.
that's the way it's always been.
and that's the way they'll stay.
value them or not,
they ARE ever present.
grab onto the threds,
cling on with desperation?
that's what i've been doing..
but i've realized,
that there are some that need to be cut.
and so i do;
i need to.
i need to decide for myself,
to leave or not to leave?
they've already left me,
do i continue staying in this desolate place?
or do i walk away?
never seeing them again?
..i didn't dare to walk away in the past.
but now, i see my follishness.
great minds think alike,
fools seldom differ.
hmph.i see it now.
to those who matter,
thank you.
to those who have taught me,
thank you, even more.
you taught me the value of making the right choices;
painful, or not.
you were my lesson.
now, i've learnt it,
and so i walk away..

Jewel.Hands.
If I could tell the world just one thing
it would be that we're all o.k.
And not to worry
cause worry is wasteful
And unless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I wont be idled with dispair
I will gather myself around my faith
for light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know,
but they're not yours they are my own
but they're not yours they are my own
and I am never broken

Poverty stole your golden shoes
but it didn't steel your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
but i knew it wasnt ever after

We'll fight, not out of spite
for someone must stand up for what's right
cause where there's a man who has no voice
there our's shall go singing

My hands are small, i know,
but they're not yours they are my own
but they're not yours they are my own
and I am never broken

In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters

I will get down on my knees and I will pray
I will get down on my knees and I will pray
I will get down on my knees and I will pray

My hands are small, I know,
but they're not yours they are my own
but they're not yours they are my own
and I am never broken

My hands are small, i know,
but they're not yours they are my own
but they're not yours they are my own
and I am never broken
We are never broken

We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
God's hands
God's hands