So many things i wanna do.
so many trhings i SHOULD.
the term has started;
we only have 9 weeks left.
NINE WEEKS.
and i STILL can't get myslef to do the things i should.

it's so hard, fighting against yourself.
i think i'm becoming schizophrenic.
the constant bickering between the two halves of me.
and i yield, to pleasure,
rather than work.
everyone's picking up their paces.
and i'm still stuck in this gutter.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?
more work, more focues, more determination.
less distractions, less paranoia.
there's only ONE way to go now;
so why am i still looking for alternatives?
is this human nature?
to fight against the things you're SUPPOSED to do?
so little time!!!
and i'm still thinking bout crap like this.
the june hols have gone to waste, then;
cos i still don't know the things i SHOULD.

i can't believe i've forgtten how to 'self motivate'.
and NOW, of all times.
what INCREDIBLE timing.
i'm fed up with myself.

then again, so what, right?
i should STOP pissing and moaning,
and get down to it already, right?
WELL, THEN.
someone slap me, shut me up and get me to work,
please.

this is hopeless.

Simple Plan.Promise
Breakdown
I can't take this
I need somewhere to go
I need you
I'm so restless
I don't know what to do

We've had our rough times
Fighting all night
And now you're just slipping away

Give me this chance
To make the wrongs right,to say
Don't don't don't walk away

I promise
I won't let you down
If you take my hand tonight
I promise
We'll be just fine this time
If you take my hand tonight
If you take my hand tonight

Without you I go through the motions
Without you it's just not quite the same
Without you I don't want to go out
I just wanted to say

That I'm sick of these fights
I'll let you be right
If it stops you from running away

So give me this chance
To make the wrongs right, to say
Don't don't don't walk away

I promise
I won't let you down
If you take my hand tonight
I promise
We'll be just fine this time
If you take my hand tonight

hmmm.i like.(:
represents hope, even after things have happened..

LET'S SEE.
4 days to the end of the June hols.
then again, it wasn't really a holiday, was it?
i didn't even realise time flying by so quickly.
i've got a mountain of homework left to go
(CHINESE KILLS!! T.T)
and stuff i wanna do,
(BLEACH IS INTERESTING! x) )
but there's too little time.

BAH.

i can't wait for the dec hols.
that's what everybody says anyway..
ooh, we must WORK HARD NOW.
we'll have A WHOLE MONTH TO WASTE AWAY.
5 months, and we'll be done with the past 4 years of education.
mmh, interesting.
time flies by SO QUICKLY.
if one month's passed without much of my knowing,
i wonder how fast 5 months will fly by.
ok, granted..
we have a term full of STRESS and WORK ahead of us,
plus TWO MAJOR EXAMS to go.
hmmm.i wonder.

it's so hard to do the things you should,
when they differ from the things you want to do.
no wonder people say it's easier if you actually LIKE studying.
maybe we should study 'studying' first,
before actually staudying.
maybe THAT way,
we'll multiply our time.

God, it's only 5 more months.
please sustain us till then.
we're nothing without Your strength;
lend it to us, for this last leg of the race...

We're usually supposed to do things we don't.
and when we do, it turns out that we don't really need to do them at all.
sometimes, we wish that we had known better,
calculated the odds better;
maybe then, we wouldn't be so stupid.
but the thing is, we are.
and even till we die,
we'll continue making stupid mistakes we regret later.

equivalent trade;
hmmm.i guess the world REALLY idn't fair.
even if you present something of equal worth,
you might not get what you want in the end.
some people get what they want,
some people don't.
yet, in some way or another,
all of us put in the same effort.
maybe our rewards aren't the ones we wish to get,
but maybe something we'll learn to appreciate in time.
who knows?
only God knows,
and only time will tell..

I LOVE FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST!(:
i know i shouldn't be addicted to anime now;
ESPECIALLY not THIS time of the year.
time to get serious and done some REAL work.

i wonder when we can get a hold of the movie...

i guess i'll never learn. xP

OKAY, i'm supposed to be STUDYING.
i was supposed to be STUDYING for the WHOLE of today.
but NO, i HAD TO succumb to the tempation of GOING OUT and usng this (stupid) COMPUTER.
then again, i only HAVE MYSELF TO BLAME.
so why am i COMPLAINING?

hmmm.i hate this shit.
shermaine, FOCUS; it's ONLY 6 months.
6 months to a final war cry.
6 months to a possible dream come true.
6 months to a..better future?
how quickly time SLIPS AWAY..
it's scary;
a WEEK (a friggin' WEEK) has gone past.
WHAT THE HELL AM I STILL DOING?
i think i'm going crazy. T.T

God, help me.
i commit all to you.

so many tragedies lately..
someone..err..passed away.
my maid's sis is in the philippines suffering with acute pneumonia.
their family's financial burden is grownig and there's only so much we can do.
her sister's condition is STILL deteriorating.
and her baby just turned one month old.
then, i wonder
'when did life become so frail?'
it's sad --life is SO SHORT.
everyone has to die one day.
we spend half our lives chasing dreams,
and the other half regretting the thigns we didn't do whilst we still could.
how tragic.
ultimately, it's about HOW you live your life, ain't it?
the things you do to impact others;
the decisions you make to implicate others.

i wonder how many people will be by my death bed.

we try, as far as possible, to live by our beliefs;
to live our dreams, while sill in contact with reality.
we TRY to gain as much respect as possible,
hoping people will remember us for who we are,
and what we stand for.
so HOW do you live?

that's a question that will take time, patience, love and experience to answer.

'Even in madness, I know you still believe
Paint me your canvas so I become
What you could never be

I dare you to tell me to walk through the fire
Brand my soul and call me a liar
I dare you to tell me to walk through the fire
I dare you to tell me
I dare you to..'
--I dare you.Shinedown.

Some times, things happen.
we don't understand why, we don't understand how,
but they happen anyway.
and at the end of the day it ian't bout what happens,
or even what implications are caused,
but HOW we move on from there.

stay strong, shin wei.
we'll be here for you, if you EVER need us.
and dhilshad, i love you too(:

Psalm 23:
"The Lord is my sheperd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You annoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever"

Always...

and as for this week,
words to describe would be..
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
x) haha, things happen when you're studying in school,
with a bunch of people who dare to do weird things. x)
perhaps, AGAIN? x)
phys lessons have FINALLY become interesting.
i actually UNDERSTOOD and LEARNED.
i'm sure most of 4i would share my sentiment. x)
2 days of "STUDY CAMP" with weird in-between activities x)
"I luRbbE euUxZ wORzX"
sining told me sthg funny.
i wonder what would happen if we played the same game,
in the same premise.
it'd be HILARIOUS.
..sadly, no one has the time anymore. ):

i miss the (crazy and cacat) leaders ):
CAN WE HAVE A LEADERS' OUTING?
(dareordoubledare? x))

HMMM.
it's gonna be one LONG holiday.
then again, the first weeks has already gone past.
it's amazing how time flies.
i'm still in shock.
someone SLAP me.

WAKE ME UP.
i'msuchapig.

ROUND pigs are cute.
INDEED x)
and if we're BOTH pigs... x)

Ronin.One more moment.
Don't take too long to say
"I love you" to the ones you love,
cause time has a habit of slipping away

Out on a clear blue sky,
when lighting strikes on a sunny day,
just take me in and keep me from the rain,

And the words that seem so hard to say,
come out when you've gone away,
stay a little while and hear me say,

That I want you here tonight,
and I need you by my side,
for just one more moment,
for just one more moment with you

Turn around to say goodbye,
with each and every word that passes by,
like a distant memory,
and time keeps slipping away,
and time will turn to grey,
and time will be the one who holds you down,

And the words that seem so hard to say,
come out when you've gone away,
stay a little while and hear me say,

That I want you here tonight,
and I need you by my side,
for just one more moment,
for just one more moment,

And I want you by my side,
and I need you here tonight,
for just one more moment,
for just one more moment with you

Sometimes time will treat you bad,
Before you even know what's wrong,
and in the end it hits you hard,
please tell me you'll be strong

..i wonder if the world ended tmr,
how many people in the world would say 'i love you' to someone else and really mean it.

And SO IT ENDS.
one semester has FLOWN past.
i can't believe it;
HALF A YEAR has just gone past.
it's amazaing how i never really FELT it.
it was almost as if we were living day to day,
not really KNOWING how much time had passed.
settling down, OAC 06, LI 06..
and before we knew it,
the MYEs had come and gone.
gosh, this year passed so quickly.
never expected it to be so...

I guess this leaves even less room for contemplation and regret.
the last 6 months should be spent in ENTIRE contentment,
never looking back, but anticipating what's to come.
sure, things have happened;
relationships change, RESULTS came.
but through it all, good things happened.
we were forced to leave some things behind,
and to take up some things.
it's all good, though; it's all good.
to live in the moment;
one of the easiest things to say,
but one of the most difficult to accomplish.
i think it's in our nature to be paranoid,
but how much till that paranoia consumes us?
we keep worrying but the future, bout the past.
so, when do we LIVE FOR THE PRESENT?
to stop worrying, seems to be the answer.
but it's almost impossible to.
isn't it?

ONE MONTH.JUNE 2006.
our last chance to make up for everything.
we're told to STUDY HARD.
who wouldn't want an L1R5 of 6?
everyone does.
it's a matter of HOW MUCH you want it.
i believe by being in cedar,
all of us already have that inherant ability to get what we WANT.
the teachers tell us so, too.
now, we just have to do it.
things have always been easier said than done,
but they were never impossible.
WORK yes.we have to WORK for it.
there must surely be some truth to the saying
'you reap what you sow'
if people have been quoting it for so long(:

so to all those disheartned by their results..
JIAYOU!(:
it ain't impossible.
WE've just gotta WORK FOR IT.
and i know, that throughout that JOURNEY,
there will be friends cheering us on,
dragging us to be where we should be.
yep, it's usually the destination that counts,
BUT it's the journey that makes everything worthwhile(:

it's not about what you GET,
but the person you become even if you don't get it.
i can't quote that,
but it was inspired by what someone...wrote.
haha, i guess it's true.
it takes a big person to say that,
and a bigger person to believe that.
so, to...
i wish the best of everything.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
friend of 4 years
and
closer friend of barely 2 months.

The past 2 weeks have been ABLSOLUTE heaven.
no exams, no stress.
good company, plenty of fun and laughs.
I'M NOT COMPLAINING!
haha, we're told to LIVE IN THE MOMENT.
CARPE DIEM!SEIZE THE DAY!
haha, so we will.
what's the point in life, if we don't? x)

"Oh I know that the music's fine
Like sparklin' wine, go and have your fun
Laugh and sing, but while we're apart
Don't give your heart to anyone
But don't forget who's takin' you home
And in whose arms you're gonna be
So darlin' save the last dance for me"
--Michael Buble.Save the last dance for me.

Put on them dancing shoes and dance the night away
haha, if we could moment forever,
i'd freeze time now.
the past makes us who we are,
the present defines us.
YEAH MAN.
just a few more days of relaxation.
then, it's back to work.
but WHO CARES.
nothing is free from work.
better to make use of BREAKS.

210506-
WENT TO THE BEACH WITH MY PUBCOMM!!(: (:
haha, got drenched while cycling.
HAHA, but we continued anyway.
THANK GOD for such FINE weather(:
the first pucommm outing in 5 months and it was PERFECT(:
more good memories with the pubcomm(:
rachael hong and deborah lam;
thank you.

190506-
CROSS COUNTRY!
yay!got top 100.haha.
expected to get ALOT less.so, i'm HAPPY(:
(and someone finally passed something she owed me for 1month and 6days? x) THANKYOU)
WENT OUT FOR THE HOT anniversary! :D
haha, we're two this year? x)
8 of us-sarah, grace, vi, ziyan, dolly, jazzy, ahu and i.
MAD time at seoul garden.
laughing, taking pics, watching some people behave INAPPROPRIATELY x)
haha, it was fun(:
then we went SHOPPING.
goodness, we were so tired after that x)
so we bought a movie (walk the line)and sarah, grace, vi and jazzy came over to watch it.
ended up watching ella enchanted instead x)
haha, but it was worth it(:
FULL HOT outing soon, perhaps?(:
i'm HOPING! *crosses fingers*

hmm.speaking of HOT outings,
when can we have another leaders' one? x)
HEHEH.i miss the kitchen dept.. ):

the rest of the days have been spent slacking/wasting away.
haha.better now than never, hmmm?
5 more days..5 more.
to the end of something,
and the beginning of another(:

'..i'm so used to living under the surface.

And i walk on water,
and you will catch me if i fall.
and i will get lost into your eyes.
And everything will be alright.'
-Lifehouse.Storm.

And so, the good week ends.
RESULTS BACK THIS WEEK.
did terribly for chem, bio and ss/geog.
well, what's a person to do?
you put in EFFORT,
yet you don't see RESULTS.
life's funny that way;
you never really reap what you sow.
most irritating thing is that this time ain't the first.

4/i's a freaky class.
first in what, 4 subjects and 1 elective?
hmmm, and we were the 'just made it' class..

we're supposed to start STUDYING again, this week.
sometimes, i seriously don't see the point-
you SLOG it out for ONE exams,
only to get SHIT results.
then we're expected to GO BACK again.
it's probably not any of the teachers' faults,
but it still can't be helped if we do badly and feel bad.

this SHOULD be a trivial matter.
this SHOULD be a small set back.
then again, when have we ever done what SHOULD be done?
we rebel against everything we're MADE to be.
who's to say things are ever gonna be 'normal'?
MID YEARS DON'T COUNT.
that's a fact.
but SO WHAT?
it scared ME shitless.
i wonder what's gonna happen if our L1R5s all looked bad for prelims.
i can't say EVERYONE did badly for midyears,
but i think it's safe to say most of us did.

some overcame.
some backslid.
some stayed stagnant.

you run; you run your hardest.
you see that you're ahead;
then, like a sudden downpour,
you're chasing people's dust clouds.
and all you're left with is mud,
the rain and blurry vision.
should it decide to pour in the prelims..
will we remain a cut above the rest?
..or left to slow down in mud?

it doesn't matter.
it DOESN'T matter.

so why does it still eat me?

To the most awesome people in the world-
THANK YOU,
for making may 12th and 13th absolutely THE BEST.
the SWEETEST birthday;
much less sixteenth birthday, hmmm?
haha, thanks people.
y'all know who you are :D

..it doesn't happen,
till it happens in your heart.

WELL.
i'll remmeber this.
'cos it HAPPENED.
in a big way(:

The HOTfamily, 3/i-4/i 05-06.
thank you...
and to all those who remembered(:
thanks loads(:

i'm SIXteen.
HAH.that's funny.

THEY ARE OVER!
YES!!!!FINALLY OVER!
the MYEs of 2006 are FINALLY OVER!
goodness knows what a nerve wrecjign week that was;
the late night mugging and early morning STUDYING.
not to mention the wake up CALL ;)
MEMORIES that'll surely repeat with the prelims and Os.
WE HAVE A WEEK OFF FROM SCHOOL!(:
such a blessing(:
haha, now to PLAY HARD.
(before the MINDLESS studying starts again T.T)

WE WENT CRAZY AFTER THE PHYSICS PAPER!
screaming answers in the canteen!
then running after a certain MUTHU BOY (and being dao-ed) in the FOYER.
or, the indecisiveness in deciding WHAT TO DO x)
or WHERE AND WHAT TO EAT! x)
so, we finally decided on pizza hut in ps.
discussed POLITICS! 0.0 and SMELLY CHEESE! x)
haha, then we decided to go down to the new cine cinema..
HURHUR.LONG WALK!
and watched "when a stranger calls"!!
haha, the six of us (jing, daddy, tata, khong, sining and i)
sat in the lovers seats.
TSK! xx) but it was really funny seeing jing SCREAMING,
or tata and khong screaming prematurely and sinking in their seats.
OR ALL six of us using our jackets and covering our faces till our noses.
HAHA.but the movie was SHOCKING man.
and poor girl; became psycho after the whole thing.
SIGH.oh well..
lessons learnt:
1)NEVER BABY SIT IN A SECLUDED HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF NO WHERE EVEN THOUGH THE HOUSE LOOKS DARN NICE AND EVEN HAS A POND IN IT.
2)do not be stupid and ask your friend to leave when it's raining/stroming.
3)ALWAYS stay with the maid; she might die.
4)HIDE the kids in a trunk and tuck all bits of cloth into the trunk.
5)do not have weird ceilings which can hide people.

WOOHOO!/then we went to take very LiAnXz NeoPRintSZ!
haha, we're such deprived beings x)
BUT, better now than never x)
(can't believe we're in sec 4 already) ):
haha, then we WINDOW SHOPPED!
and went to have CHEESECAKE at nydc(:
haha, played caiquan and kena-ed twice.
the concoction was DISGUSTING!!! :S
ECK.haha.

woohoo, SENTOSA TMR!(:

i can't believe the work as to REASTART soon.
it's ridiculous.

oh well.
all in stride x)

I'm not supposed to be here blogging..
but i just couldn't resist after reading..
SOMETHING.

It's sad how friendships disintegrate with the passing of time.
WHY DO THEY?..i wonder.
is it because one party couldn't care less?
is it because BOTH parties can't be bothered?
especially ones which have lasted so long..
why now, why EVER?
some questions weren't meant to be answered, i guess.
i want so badly to shake those people who couldn't care less;
do they see how much their HURTING their old friends?
unless, of course, they no longer mean anything.
but, i doubt after so long, it wouldn't mean anything to them.
perhaps, they really ARE that heartless.
THEY'VE MOVED ON!
gotten new friends, gotten new BEST friends.
and now, what's to become of the one they 'forgot'?
'old friends are gold' INDEED.
that's quite a DEAD fact now, isn't it?
like rag dolls, we're thrown aside to fester with the RUBBISH.
is THAT what we mean to all those who have 'MOVED ON'?
RUBBISH?!mean to FESTER?!
HAHA.how funny.
i think they've forgotten we're human too.

it's the most un-Godly thing to do,
but HOW I WISH I COULD SEE REVENGE BEING EXACTED.
i wonder what would happen if the tables were turned,
the roles were reversed.
would THEY be saying the same things we are?
would they even CARE?
walk on, always walk on.
walkING on.
it's heart breaking to know, much less FEEL and SEE.
but reality is..
i see more and more people being hurt by these 'OLD FRIENDS'.
to identify or sympathize with?
HAH.such a real concept.such real situations..
yet we've all but forgotten there are other going through the same things.
we think we are ALONE.

that's the saddest thing;
thinking you're ALONE.
cos in truth, we never are.
only, we need to open up out EYES and our HEARTS to see,
to FEEL.
sometimes, wounds heal best when you rub salt into them.
perhaps, we are the salt to each other's wounds;
to pick each other up, reopen the old wounds and walk on..
TOGETHER.

hey pigg, if you ever read this...
you're not alone.
i just wanted you to know that though WE haven't seen you in AGES,
we still MISS YOU, TERRIBLY.
one day, babe..one day.
all three of us will go out again,
like LAST YEAR and laugh ourselves SILLY.
GELARE!and keep all the receipts for a certain SOMEONE to refund us..
haha, or walk around randomly again.
i know we'll never be able to turn back time,
but we can pick up the pieces and form new memories again.
we've never forgotten you, dear.
it took us so long to accept the fact that we didn't see you around any more..
you can ask the BLUR ONE.
countless conversations, countless discussions.
we've NEVER forgotten.

if you can find it in you..
let us back in, darl.

LOVE YOU, DEAR!

"Everyone is changing,
there's no one left that's real;
to make up your own ending,
and let me know just how you feel.
Cause I am lost without you,
I cannot live at all;
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl..."
--puddle of mudd.blurry.

HMMM.school life's speeding up again.
tests, HOMEWORK, revision..
THE MID YEAR EXAMS.
that VERY thought is depressing.
and it isn't comforting to know that it's going to be
ESPCIALLY TOUGH.
then again, better now then during the Os i guess.
the self EXPECTAIONS are suffocating,
the stress is building.
it's a wonder the busier people haven't exploded.

WHY were we CURSED with such ********??
take it in stride? RIGHT.

FRIENDSHIP.
brings the greatest pleasures and the deepest pains.
the ULTIMATE double-edged sword.
one minute you're high, the next, you've hit rock bottom.
you'll never know; you could never guess.
it's disturbing to a certain extent,
but sucess comes to those who risk.
applies to every aspect of life, i guess.
we take a chance with certain people,
hoping that they would take that same chance with us.

sometimes, it ends badle, and people get hurt.
most choose to leave it and move one,
others cannot leave.
it's most heart breaking to know that they WILL themselves not to leave.
is it delusion to think that some situations are salvagable?
is it stupidty to wait for oppotunity to walk past again?
these things we'll never really know;
cos after waiting, we are blinded to such opporunitues,
and give up our only chances of 'making things better'.

then, there are the happy times-
times of laughter, times we happily reminisce.
we smile in reflection,
WE FEEL LIBERATED.
and somehow, we'll never forget.
cynics see it as life's most cruel joke;
to have happiness, but lose it all one day.
who's to know if happiness is eternal?
better to live in the moment,
than to worry about eternity.
'better to have loved and lost,
than to have not loved at all'.

Then, we think about LOVE.
what does it mean?
can it be described?
a feeling; that's what it is.
and i guess, we can search for all eternity long,
to find no such definition.
we SEE it, in daily actions, WORDS.
and we are to wrapped up in it,
we take it for granted.

it's sad that God's greatest gift to the world is wasted, in that way.

OH WELL.
back to the books, i guess.
goodness, life is MONOTONOUS.
i await the 16th of November 2006(:

FREEDOM!

Default.Wasting my time
Months went by with us pretending
When did our light turn from green to red
I took a chance and left you standing
Lost the will to do this once again

Well this is not for real, afraid to feel
I just hit the floor, don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time, I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling, there is no reason
Just make the call, and take it all

Papa Roach.Scars
Tear my heart open, i sew myself shut
My weakness is, i care too much
And my scars remind me,
that the past is REAL.
I tear my heart open, just to feel.

Michelle Branch.Everywhere
Turn it inside out so I can see
The part of you that's drifting over me
And when I wake you're never there
But when I sleep you're everywhere
You're everywhere

Westlife.If I let you go
I'm too shy to ask
I'm too proud to lose
but sooner or later I've gotta choose
and once again
I'm thinkin' about taking the easy way out

Michelle branch.All you wanted
I wanted to be like you
I wanted everything
So I tried to be like you
And I got swept away

I didn't know that it was so cold
And you needed someone
to show you the way
So I took your hand and we figured out
That when the time comes
I'd take you away

If you want to
I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted
was somebody who cares

It's funny how songs you used to listen to still mean so much NOW.
it's funny how you can see the same situations repeating itself.
it's funny how in retrospect,
nothing else could be done.

It's funniest when we wish we could do it go back and do it right.

GUIDES CAMPFIRE 2006.
it was nice(:
everything came together nicely, i think(:
good job, y'all.

something someone told me caused me to think.
did i ever mean anything to YOU?
what was i EVER to you?
there's always been this ONE question i wanted to ask;
but now, after everything..
how can i ask it again?
the stupid things i did, the foolish things i said.
i could apologise a thousand times over,
but it wouldn't be enough.

in retrospect,
i couldn't be more stupid.
so now, i pay the price.

WHY WON'T YOU JUST TALK TO ME?

Time passes.
people change.
it's comforting to know some remain the same.
situations may change, company might vary;
but at the end of the day,
there are some who never really morph with time.
those people are blessings,
and even more so,
if we can still complement each other like we used to.

i feel blessed.

theHOTfamily.
3i 05/4i 06
CPB.
instructors 05/OALs 06.

God, forgive me.
i've strayed so far.
draw me close to You, one again..

PP macs; forever and always, huh?
the leaders spent FOUR hours talking,
laughing, confessing.
it was all good.
i'll miss the OALs.
we should do it agian, some time(:
(perhaps, we'll actually go to MAC NET? (: )

mmh.went out to pp koptiam with wanping, yusin, belle, arica and sarah too.
talked, exahnged STORIES.
laughed, fell prey to an April fools' joke
(i'm gonna get you ONE DAY, FAIZAH)
and picked up on SCANDALS. (diandiandian! ;) )

we don't always get what we wish for.
but for those that do come true...
we don't always treasure.

'let's pretend that i've moved on and that life goes on without YOU.'

Have you ever been there;
in a place where you regret everything you've done,
everything you've said?
when memories flash by,
reminding you of the person you could've been,
but not are?

Have you ever been there;
in a place of no consequence,
where things move monotonously?
when you can't tell the past from the present,
confused about everything that lies behind,
in front, or BEFORE you?

Have you ever been there;
in a place where you see the possible future,
and what you would do, in time to come?
have you ever been afriad of teh thigns you MIGHT do,
have you ever feared the reoccurance of a mistake,
espcially a big one?

Sometimes, i don't know where i am.
sometimes, i don't know WHO i am.
the scariest thing is that sometimes,
we don't bother.
i'm losing sight of the things before me,
i don't know what i'm supposed to do NOW.
lost meanings, blurred lines.
how can we exist without purpose?

are we living, or merely existing?
sometimes, i wonder.

someone just told me to 'not be too afraid'.
it's comical how that applies to every aspect of life.
we lose, we gain.
at teh end of the day,
will THEY stay?

sometimes, i wonder.

That quiet desperation;
a plea for help, perhaps.
trapped, alone, smothered.
there is seemingly no way out.
so many things lie ahead,
and there IS only one road to take.
you had come so far...
to give it all up now?

sometimes, i'd like to think ignoreance was bliss;
that expectation never really befell the ignorant.
they were blissfully unaware of what the society expected,
of what others expected.
perhaps, then, they didn't have any presonal expectations.
nothing to mould their future, nothing to shape their thoughts.
isn't that a scary thought;
not to have any backing, not to have skeletal beliefs.
what does it mean to live, when you're ignorant?
would we rather be 'blissful', then?

sometimes, the choices we make lead us to more choices;
innumerable number of roads to walk down,
countless decisions to make.
yet, at each and every crossroad we come to,
sensations are different; predicaments are different.
can we trust TRENDS, then?
the superstitious believe in a certain trend that governs all else;
that a particular action would DEFINITELY lead to a particular outcome.
no wonder there are the sceptics;
nothing's ever the same.

life then, life now;
if they were meant to be different?
why do they feel the same?
that monotony, the feeling we're PULLED along to SOMEWHERE.
we are expected to 'perform' this year.
expected by society?expected by self?
WHICH IS WORSE?
i guess we all some to a point where we no longer know who's expectations we're living up to.
after all, society shapes who we are,
and what we expect of ourselves.
BUT, humans can only take SO much.
when do we crack, when do we burst?
i don't want to see the day,
yet, i have a feeling it's inevitable.

strange, isn't it;
that we're all supposedly 'unique',
but at the end of the day,
we only have personal betterment in mind.
the process of getting there, eh?
perhaps, just perhaps...

daunting.
yet, exciting.
caught in the limbo between anxiety and anticipation,
and i finally realise that the line has been blurred.
then again, who am i to judge?
so many before me, so many among us;
all equally if noe MORE talented.
who am i to feel such pressure?

i wonder when i'll ever be as good as the rest.
perhaps, never.
then again, only we can live for ourselves.
so why bother about the rest?

GAH.i think schizophrenia's inborn.
it's how much you show it that determines whether or not you're a nut case.